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OMG OP. I have not read the whole thread, just most of the first page, and I am appalled. First, there is nothing wrong with you. You are allowed to be married, and WANT to be married, without wanting an active sex life. That doesn't mean you're gay (it also doesn't mean you're not). It doesn't mean you need counseling (unless it is negatively affecting your relationship, but the counseling is to try to mitigate THAT, not to try to force you into a sex life). You might just be *gasp* asexual. That's actually not terribly uncommon, and is as normal (or abnormal, depending on your view) as homosexuality. Some people just aren't into sex. They're not broken. It's as legitimate of a sexual position as any other.
The difficult thing is trying to have a committed relationship with someone who is NOT asexual. My husband and I are in this kind of relationship. We love each other. We are perfectly happy. I do not want or need sex, even though he is very good at it, and very generous in bed. It's just not my bag. I do like to handle business for myself occasionally, but I just don't like all the hubbub of including another person. So for US (and not necessarily you), the solution was to allow him to have a sex life outside of our marriage. It does not bother me at all. He has never left me for one of his sexual partners, and we've been together for over a decade. Is it unorthodox? Yes. Do we care if you or anyone else approves or disapproves? Not at all. I'll stay out of your bedroom, you stay out of mine.
We buy each other toys. We make out, we even engage in oral fun sometimes. But it never goes further. We're happy. There's nothing wrong. I'm very lucky to have a partner who was able to sit down and listen to my perspective and respect it. And he is very lucky to have a partner who understood that an active sex life is still very important to him.
All he owed me was respect for my boundaries. And all I owed him was respect for his happiness and fulfillment in life. With those two things in mind, we came to an arrangement that suited us both perfectly.
And if you and your wife ever decide to come to your own unorthodox relationship, don't let closed-minded people make you think you'll get divorced because of it. Our relationship has already outlasted over half the "normal" relationships we know. Even if we do ever part ways, our relationship has been very happy and successful for over a decade, and statistically the majority of "normal" marriages cannot say that. Everyone has their own normal. Not every relationship lasts a lifetime. There are no rules other than the ones you agree to. Make your own happiness and ignore anyone who doesn't like or understand it.
Sex is and must be included in love. As much as people like to tell others "you are perfect the way you are", I believe it is a load of BS because some people do need to be fixed
I hate to tell you this but my wife and I haven't had sex in almost 7 years and still just as much in love as the day we married. Our reason for no sex isn't the same as the OP, though. She hurt her back and can't handle intercourse. She keeps apologizing for not being able to, but it doesn't bother me. I keep telling her there's a difference in won't have sex and can't have sex. If you notice, I said intercourse. From time to time, we do fool around and I help her reaching her "O" a few times from time to time and that's fine with me. Pain wise she can't reciprocate for me and I'm not worried about it. We're there for each other. That's all that matters.
If this was a young couple, just married, then I could see there being a problem.
Yep. Saw that after posting. But I feel my sentiments still stand, and might speak to someone other than OP at some point, so I feel little need to go back and change the wording to more general terms.
Yep. Saw that after posting. But I feel my sentiments still stand, and might speak to someone other than OP at some point, so I feel little need to go back and change the wording to more general terms.
It is a subject, I think, that transcends the original post date.
There has been lots of interesting conversation on this board about what it means to be a good husband or wife. And when someone should consider divorcing their spouse.
One of the main conflict points of many married couples is frequency of sex. In another post I told everyone I really do not have much of a sex drive and have always felt that the act of having sex was kind of ugly, dirty and unpleasant. It does not have anything to do with my wife, who is just wonderful, my feelings about sex would be the same no matter who I was married to.
I am sure my wife is telling her friends about our unsatisfactory sex life and they are telling her to demand more sex from her husband (me). They are probably saying that it is a husband's role to keep his wife happy sexually and romantically. But is that really the case?
Does a husband have a ethical and moral obligation in a marriage to have a sexual relationship? Just like his obligation of: being a good father, provider and communicator. (Remember, we can not fake interest like a woman can)
Yes. Otherwise just be business partners or open your marriage. It should never be about owing as well. you should want to have sex because you want that connection. If it ever gets to drudgery get a divorce.
Do you owe your spouse sex? In almost all cases I believe you do. Of course the exception would be where a medical condition prevents sex....that is something totally different. In that case one owes their non sexual spouse loyalty in spite of their inability to provide sex. However where both spouses are healthy it is an expectation that some kind of sex life exists.
Denying your spouse sex for months or years will lead to a divorce in most cases. Withholding sex is a form of abandonment. I can’t imagine why one would withhold sex from someone they are in love with.
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