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My boyfriend of 6 years is a really nice guy and my best friend, his family are nice and we have things in common, he cares for me, is committed and prepared to settle down... but there is no sexual attraction whatsoever. I don't know if there ever has been. It was his charm and kindness that won me over.
He believes that I am stressed, tired etc and hopes that my libido will return, while I secretly know that I have sexual desire, just not for him. We have had the "why aren't we having sex" discussion/argument before and every time I have told him it is my problem, I am just not feeling sexual etc. I feel terrible for lying but I can't bring myself to be harsh with him.
I WISH that I could be attracted to him, because apart from that he is the perfect boyfriend. All my family and friends adore him. The worst part is that I have no desire to "fix" our relationship either, because I just feel no attraction for him at all. We are not having sex and I don't care. I should. Even worse, I prefer it this way.
I push myself to have sex because he is a nice guy and I felt obliged to have sex if I wanted to keep the relationship, the only sex I have had in the past 2 years is from the occasional pressured encounter where I felt like I owed him, and I cried because I didn't want to and because it hurt due to me not being turned on in the slightest.
What should I do?? After denying and denying that it's not him, how do I tell him how I feel without completely breaking his heart and shattering him? Even though I don't want to lose him out of my life, this is not fair on either of us and it has to end.
I honestly think that you shouldn't perpetuate this situation because it will just cause this guy more emotional pain in the end. You've admitted that you're simply not attracted to him. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just your honest feeling and it's something you can't fake. For his sake I would maybe try to remain as friends but tell him in a gentle way that you don't feel any romantic urges but that you still value his personality and friendship. If you care about him as a person it isn't right to keep making him think that there might be a future between the two of you when you know for a fact that there isn't.
Oh my it sounds like u r really in a difficult situation. My heart goes out to u and u r not alone. There r a lot of women who have sex to preserve the relationship, but that does not make it right. U r going to have to be honest about how u feel. U say u really care about this guy. Well if u do, u owe him honesty more that u do a sexual encounter u r not into at all. Give this man a choice in being with u on ur terms or not being with u. Love yourself enough not to do something u hate doing. U r just going to end up resenting him and the relationship if u continue. Maybe he is not the one for u and that is why u r not physically attracted to him? I am sure u will figure it out. Good luck
You cried because you didn't want to have sex with him, you wrote, you are obviously quite conflicted over this matter. I wonder if it's just that he simply doesn't turn you on or if it's more here that it meets the eye.
I personally think that consulting a therapist might be more appropriate in your situation than bringing this topic for debate on a public forum.
You ask just for serious advice, but how serious could it be coming from people with no formal training in matters of such delicacy?
You might not like the responses you are going to receive.
Best wishes.
I agree with MontanaGuy. I know sex isn't everything but sexual compatabiliy is important for those in a relationship. There's no reason that you can't remain good friends but you'll both end up being frustrated if you two aren't on the same page physically.
Which is better? Rip the bandage off really slowly? Or do it in one deft move? I think we both know the answer to that.
Move on. As in log off the computer right now, drive over to his place and dump him. Do it nicely, because six years counts for something. But stop the bleeding.
Life is waaaaaayyyyy to short to waste time with somebody you're not absolutely passionate about. And if you don't want to scorch the sheets with your chief love interest, you're wasting your time and his.
...What should I do?? After denying and denying that it's not him, how do I tell him how I feel without completely breaking his heart and shattering him? Even though I don't want to lose him out of my life, this is not fair on either of us and it has to end.
Only serious advice please..
Tell him the truth. He deserves to know that life with you means he is only ever going to get laid sporatically at best. You're better off as friends - and he is better off knowing the truth, regardless of how much it hurts at first. He'll get over it.
You ask just for serious advice, but how serious could it be coming from people with no formal training in matters of such delicacy?
I didn't know which word to use there, serious was the only one that came to mind. What I really meant was I didn't want a bunch of guys on here calling me names and saying things like "Go on then, go and have meaningless sex with a whole bunch of men, you'll see what you missed with your current bf because they'll all kick you to the curb, then don't come crying to us!!!" because it's not like that at all. As hard as it is to believe now I love this man, I truly do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mango tango
Maybe you should get a little creative?
Amp up the foreplay?
Pull out the whole seduction scene.
Have you ever been sexually attracted to him at one point or another?
I am beginning to think, no. I was very young when we started dating and wasn't really sure what I was getting myself into. I was going through a very rough time and all I knew was there was this new man in my life who was there for me when no one else was. As I said in my OP, I have no desire to amp up anything.
One of my concerns is breaking this to him after so many denials. He will be shattered to discover that I lied to spare his feelings. I know it was wrong but at the time it just came out.
I can't say those words I am not physically attracted to you.
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