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[quote=sophialee;12657461]Yeah I just don't want her to throw away a good man and find this happening over and over...and then regret it! Cuz after a while this does happen to a lot of people, it's not abnormal and I think many women/men have left good partners because of this w/out trying to resolve it.
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Again I agree with you. She says, she now thinks that she may never have been attracted to him. She says that for the last 2 years she felt obligated but that when she and her bf had the "no-sex" talk, he said he hoped her libido would return.
I wish her luck, and certainly they both deserve to be in a sexually fulfilling relationshi. Just hope there isn't a future "I thought that I was never attracted to my great-ex bf, but after we broke up I realized things on this side aren't better and he moved on"
ok - I am with a guy 2 years now. We have sex with once a month casue he says he is tired or stressed out. I love him with all my heart. My kids love him too. We too have the same fight over and over about y we don't have sex cause I don't think he is not being honest about y he doen't want to . I have met other guys and that seems to be all they want. If my bf told me it because he loves me but just didn't want to with me -- it would kill me and the relationship. All I can say is if u do tell him be ready to walk away for good. No matter how long or how much u really care for eachother - things will not be the same.
Good sex is easy to find, a good partner? Not so much.
Amen! I broke up with my compassionate, caring guy because I wanted great sex. I then married a couple of guys to whom I was sexually attracted (because, of course, good Catholic girls have to marry anyone with whom we've had really good sex). Believe me, nothing fades as quickly as sexual attraction for someone who turns out not to be compassionate and caring.
My boyfriend of 6 years is a really nice guy and my best friend, his family are nice and we have things in common, he cares for me, is committed and prepared to settle down... but there is no sexual attraction whatsoever. I don't know if there ever has been. It was his charm and kindness that won me over.
He believes that I am stressed, tired etc and hopes that my libido will return, while I secretly know that I have sexual desire, just not for him. We have had the "why aren't we having sex" discussion/argument before and every time I have told him it is my problem, I am just not feeling sexual etc. I feel terrible for lying but I can't bring myself to be harsh with him.
I WISH that I could be attracted to him, because apart from that he is the perfect boyfriend. All my family and friends adore him. The worst part is that I have no desire to "fix" our relationship either, because I just feel no attraction for him at all. We are not having sex and I don't care. I should. Even worse, I prefer it this way.
I push myself to have sex because he is a nice guy and I felt obliged to have sex if I wanted to keep the relationship, the only sex I have had in the past 2 years is from the occasional pressured encounter where I felt like I owed him, and I cried because I didn't want to and because it hurt due to me not being turned on in the slightest.
What should I do?? After denying and denying that it's not him, how do I tell him how I feel without completely breaking his heart and shattering him? Even though I don't want to lose him out of my life, this is not fair on either of us and it has to end.
Only serious advice please..
OMG GET OUT!!!
Just Get Out!!
I'm in a marriage because I didn't have the heart to break off the very scenario you're describing.
I have two children and I live in a hell on earth.
We were swingers for a while to ease the pain but that gets empty and ugly.
I fell in love with my floozie mistress because I was so emotionally starved for affection from a real lover not just a best friend.
There is no easy way out for you . You just have to do it.
I wish I did it 15 years ago.
I don't think there's an easy way to tell someone you've been with a long time that you're leaving. What you've written sounds as good as anything.
I had to leave someone several years ago for the same reason. I liked her, even loved her in a way, but not in the right way -- not enough. And that's what I told her.
She was a great friend, and it never should have gone beyond that, but she had these big romantic dreams, and I was too chicken to stop it all when I should have -- in the beginning.
Even in leaving her, I just couldn't tell her that there was no sexual attraction. This was 11 years ago, and I got an email from her a year or two ago still wondering what she'd done wrong.
It's not easy, but it's better than continuing in a relationship that's got no chance. I could have stuck it out with her, but I'd never have been happy, and she deserved to be loved by someone. I think you're in the same boat that I was. Don't be brutal, but be firm. He deserves more than you can give him, and you deserve more than he can give you.
I push myself to have sex because he is a nice guy and I felt obliged to have sex if I wanted to keep the relationship, the only sex I have had in the past 2 years is from the occasional pressured encounter where I felt like I owed him, and I cried because I didn't want to and because it hurt due to me not being turned on in the slightest. ...What should I do??
I am taken aback at how selfish and inconsiderate your behavior is.
What should you do? You should be honest with him and break up with him immediately. You have lied -- repeatedly and continuously -- to him. Have you thought about how much sexual frustration you have caused him? How he may be thinking: "what am I doing wrong? What's unattractive about me?" etc. Yet you continuously lie to him and, of course, withhold sex.
And you claim you love this guy? If you really loved him, you certainly would NOT want him to be sexually frustrated. You would NOT keep him in the dark. You would NOT remain in a relationship with him knowing that you will never be able to fulfill his needs. Instead what you have done is strung him along, indirectly hurting his feelings, and been dishonest about it every step of the way. Shame on you.
Please break up with him right away becasue he deserves someone who will treat him a heckuva lot better than you have.
Last edited by professorsenator; 01-28-2010 at 07:08 PM..
I am taken aback at how selfish and inconsiderate your behavior is.
What should you do? You should be honest with him and break up with him immediately. You have lied -- repeatedly and continuously -- to him. Have you thought about how much sexual frustration you have caused him? How he may be thinking: "what am I doing wrong? What's unattractive about me?" etc. Yet you continuously lie to him and, of course, withhold sex.
And you claim you love this guy? If you really loved him, you certainly would NOT want him to be sexually frustrated. You would NOT keep him in the dark. You would NOT remain in a relationship with him knowing that you never be able to fulfill his needs. Instead what you have done is strung him along, indirectly hurting his feelings, and being dishonest about it every step of the way. Shame on you.
Please break up with him right away becasue he deserves someone who will treat him a heckuva lot better than you have.
Believe me, I struggle with how selfish my behaviour is every day.
I am so scared to hurt him, scared to have wasted 6 years, scared the only person who is there for me will hate me, scared it will be a terrible mistake, and so selfishly I remain in a relationship with these torturous thoughts running through my head every single day, with a man who cares for me, tells me how much he loves me every day and sees only me, even though we aren't having sex. I just can't seem to gather the strength to come clean.
I am a total coward and I know that, believe me. As far as self hatred goes, you'll be pleased to know I couldn't possibly hate myself more.
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