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Hi, I have just recently registered on this forum and am interested to hear any sympathetic and constructive comments only please.
I am 42 and been married for 10 years in August. My hubby is nearly 4 years younger than me, he's a lovely person and quite good looking, has always worked and we get on very well, in fact we are more like best mates, as we were mates before we started dating.
For the past 3 years I no longer feel attracted to him, and am happier when I am at work. I have even started fancying other guys at work that are on a head of service level, I kind of look up to them, where as my hubby is more on the level that I am, only in his line of work. Note - Liking other people at work, I understand is probably a natural thing for someone in my position, and I certainly will not do anything stupid. He changed his job a while ago and is now working away a lot, he enjoys the job and I am really happy for him. I am a lot happier being on my own I have noticed and when he is back, I am pleased to see him but soon get very aggitated and find it irritating him being home. I have wanted to live on my own for the past 3 years and even wished I had never gotten married.
Neither of us have had affairs, he hasn't done anything wrong as such, and neither have I to my knowledge. I just want to live on my own and have my own independence, I know I get that when he is away but I sometimes wish he wouldn't come back, isn't that awful, I hate to think like that. I did speak to him early 2009 about this, and the reason I decided to stay as we are is because he just didnt want to let go and I did not want to see him upset, I ended up just saying it may have been a phase etc. I care about him a lot, I just do not fancy him anymore and have not done for years. We do not have kids, I never wanted kids and he was never keen also so there has never been a problem there. Neither of us dislike kids, they are just not for me.
The other thing I loathe about marriage is this thing where 'what's mine is his', everything I buy like my car, computer, camera etc, he seems to think is his too and even refers to my car as 'the car' to everyone else, he has his own car. I am the one paying for my car and he is on the insurance as I am happy for him to drive it, like I would his if he wanted me to. I feel that I dont even have my own mind being married where as when I am on my own and he is working away I have my own routine and can go on the pc when I like (which I am doing now lol, he is out), go to bed when I like. I am not interested in seeing anyone else, I just want to be free.
So in a nutshell I hate being married and want to live on my own, the only thing stopping me is upsetting him and me not being able to afford a £100,000 mortgage at 42 as that is what would happen if I was to buy him out. I am only on £16,500 a year so wouldnt even get a mortgage for that!
So what an earth do I do, I dont want to stay with someone if I am unhappy, when he is working away I am happy, I think that speaks volumes on its own!
Sorry this is long xx
Last edited by delphinia1; 02-09-2010 at 02:19 PM..
Reason: forgotten to add more detail
Hi, I have just recently registered on this forum and am interested to hear any sympathetic and constructive comments only please.
I am 42 and been married for 10 years in August. My hubby is nearly 4 years younger than me, he's a lovely person and quite good looking, has always worked and we get on very well. For the past 3 years or so though I just do not feel attracted to him and am happy when I am at work amongst other people. He changed his job a while ago and is now working away a lot and I am a lot happier being on my own, I have wanted to be on my own for the past 3 years and even wished I had never gotten married. Neither of us have had any affairs, he hasn't done anything wrong and neither have I, I just want to live on my own. The reason I decided to stay as we are is because he just didnt want to let go and I did not want to see him upset, I care about him a lot, I just do not fancy him and like being on my own, able to do what I want when I want. We have no kids thank god, I never wanted kids and he was never keen also. Dont dislike kids, just not for me. The other thing I loathe about marriage is this thing where 'what's mine is his', everthing new I buy like my car, computer, camera etc, he seems to think is his too. I feel that I dont even have my own mind being married.
So in a nutshell I hate being married and want to live on my own, the only thing stopping me is upsetting him and me not being able to afford a £100,000 mortgage at 42 as that is what would happen if I was to buy him out. I am only on £16,500 a year so wouldnt even get a mortgage for that!
So what an earth do I do, I dont want to stay with someone if I am unhappy, when he is working away I am happy, I think that speaks volumes on its own!
I empathise with you and think I understand. I'm 45 and single. I'd never met anyone I fancied enough to spend the rest of my life with. Some people think that's odd but, to me, it seems odd to tie yourself to one person forever when you're only in your 20s or 30s! I honestly don't know how people do that, and I think your situation is actually VERY common. You're just honest enough to admit it!
I don't know if this helps but I do know of one couple in your situation who divorced but continue to live together (in separate parts of the house). They share the household bills equally but for everything else, what's his is his and what's hers is hers. Both date other people and there's never been a problem. This has actually worked for them for more than a decade now! If one of them decides to marry, that will end the arrangement, of course, but they have a plan for that which involves selling the house and splitting the proceeds.
The reason they still live together is their situation was much like yours -- neither could afford to start over elsewhere. They've made it work well for them. It's an unusual situation, I think, but it can work.
It would be a terrible predicament to be in. I think this happens quite often, people who think they're in love get married only to discover after a period of time that one or maybe both have fallen out of love for lack of a better description. Common sense would tell you that you should probably tell him in the least hurtful way possible and live with the consequences. I can understand the financial difficulty this would cause but when you stop and think about it if you're just keeping him around because it makes life easier economically then in a sense it appears that you're using him and please don't take that as an insult, I don't mean it that way at all. If you want to truly find happiness and you know for sure that this would mean breaking up with your husband that seems to be the best course of action despite the financial concerns it would cause.
Are you sure this is not 1) hormone problems 2) midlife crisis?
I've had both in the last year or 2 and you start at 40 something to re-evaluate your life, feel like you missed out on things, get lots of longings and regrets and sadness.
Some of it is physiological some is emotional...
Before you toss your marriage, realize it may be 'your body' and 'your emotions' playing havoc with you.
OKay so here's the "constructive" - can't really do the "sympathetic".
Gypsy has a good point, and you should get that checked out with a doctor.
Some other thoughts: You know ten years ago, in that part of the marriage ceremony where you said "For better or for worse"? Well this is what the "worse" bit was referring to. Love is a funny thing. Some would say that love is an action, in addition to a feeling. We choose to love, because we choose to act in a loving way. I believe this is possible. I am likely in the minority.
Your situation isn't insurmountable, but honestly, it doesn't sound like you really bought into the whole idea of marriage to begin with - which really kinda sucks for your husband. Your statement that you LOATHE sharing is, quite frankly, a little bit scary. Were you an only child perhaps? (Not being facetious - I am genuinely curious, as I have never heard anyone that "loathed sharing" before, much less in a marriage!)
"The other thing I loathe about marriage is this thing where 'what's mine is his', everything I buy like my car, computer, camera etc, he seems to think is his too and even refers to my car as 'the car' to everyone else, he has his own car."
Ouchie.
Well then, on to the constructive bit: as sad as divorce is, it happens, and it sounds like your husband will be better off in the end*, after the scars have healed, as he is a good guy, nice looking, and sounds like a good catch. Also on the positive side, there are fortunately no children to be tossed about in a custody battle - small mercies and all that
So really, as unconventional as it sounds, Teatime's suggestion is the one that just might actually work for you both.
* Please note I do NOT mean that in a derogatory fashion, what I mean is that if you do not have the will or desire to have a fulfilling marriage with him, then hopefully he will eventually find someone who will be madly head-over-heels in love with him - and that would be better in the end than a mate relationship with someone who has one hand scratching at the door handle! I wish you both the best.
I empathise with you and think I understand. I'm 45 and single. I'd never met anyone I fancied enough to spend the rest of my life with. Some people think that's odd but, to me, it seems odd to tie yourself to one person forever when you're only in your 20s or 30s! I honestly don't know how people do that, and I think your situation is actually VERY common. You're just honest enough to admit it!
I don't know if this helps but I do know of one couple in your situation who divorced but continue to live together (in separate parts of the house). They share the household bills equally but for everything else, what's his is his and what's hers is hers. Both date other people and there's never been a problem. This has actually worked for them for more than a decade now! If one of them decides to marry, that will end the arrangement, of course, but they have a plan for that which involves selling the house and splitting the proceeds.
The reason they still live together is their situation was much like yours -- neither could afford to start over elsewhere. They've made it work well for them. It's an unusual situation, I think, but it can work.
Best of luck to you!
Thank you very much for this, I also have heard of people splitting and still living in the same house, it probably would work with me and him, it is certainly something to think about.
If and when we do split I would of course be happy for everything to be split 50/50 as I would want the easiest and fairest split possible.
Are you sure this is not 1) hormone problems 2) midlife crisis?
I've had both in the last year or 2 and you start at 40 something to re-evaluate your life, feel like you missed out on things, get lots of longings and regrets and sadness.
Some of it is physiological some is emotional...
Before you toss your marriage, realize it may be 'your body' and 'your emotions' playing havoc with you.
Good luck.
This is certainly something I have definitely been worrying about as for a long time now I keep crying for no reason, my monthly cycle is no longer monthly, its fortnightly, there's been a lot of stress at work, redundancy, single status etc etc (I know a lot of companies are the same so I appreciate that). I am a straight talking person so my post may have been quite shocking to some but you seem to understand.
This is exactly why I wont toss the marriage straight away, I will be speaking to my Doctor.
Thank you for your reply xx
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OKay so here's the "constructive" - can't really do the "sympathetic".
Love is a funny thing. Some would say that love is an action, in addition to a feeling. We choose to love, because we choose to act in a loving way. I believe this is possible. I am likely in the minority.
I wish you both the best.