Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This should be discussed with a professional, tell him/her exactly what you posted here (nothing wrong with posting here either), we can't answer the whys, it's something for therapy.
Sensitivity is not a bad quality, You do seem to be a hard driven and extreme, theres no middle ground with feelings. I bet you tend toward perfectionism.
"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life". ~Anne Lamott
Try joining a gym, I think I mentioned this before.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1er
This is why I am glad that I found this forum, I mean I have always had these feelings but never understood how to understand them, I never had anyone to talk to about feelings, my life was always GO! GO! GO! and feelings were just pushed aside. I am a touchy feely person and I love to talk, but somehow I turned all of that into DRAMA. Does that make sense? When I feel a certain way I want to talk about it and my wife could never do that, to her I was always so dramatic. For example, I have a hard time looking at old photographs of my kids because I get teary eyed, and my wife will poke fun at me instead of asking why I feel that way. To her I am dramatic,well the reason I I have a hard time looking at pictures of my kids when they were little is because I feel that I missed out on them when they were little because starting off I worked alot and as they grew I had to teach them and discipline them (not in a bad way ofcourse) but I had to raise them and mold them and we did a great job because they are well rounded kids and I am very proud of them, but in doing that I don't feel that I didn't enjoyed them as little children. This is why I have a hard time looking at old photos and videos and instead of talking about it I rather not look at them to avoid ridicule from her. I look at them when I am alone. This happens alot so I have closed off those feelings and I think that caused resentment towards her, she bullies my feelings. Anyways this is why I like this forum I can express my feelings and get feedback and this gives me a better understanding of what is going on in my head.
Thanks
I have to say that it is important to be able to process your feelings in a healthy way. suppressing it or trying to "act tough" is not going to process it. It only temporarily buries it, and the feelings erupt later.
We all have feelings, so there's no point in ignoring that. There are many ways to process feelings: talking about it with a confidante, writing it down, are two healthy ways I know of.
Being overly dramatic now is only a sign of unprocessed feelings and a lack of method to balance yourself. Once you get used to dealing with feelings and processing them, you will become less dramatic naturally. But never ignore how you feel, stifle, or bury your feelings. This is what you've been doing all your life and hence the inability to express them in a moderate way. I've been there!
I like beachmel!!! You are right I do think too much. "grow a pair" ...right, Well right now I am afraid to be alone, I am holding on to something that is not there. I spoke with my wfe today and she did tell me that she feels that too much time has passed now and that she cannot find it in her to come back to me. She agreed to go to marriage counseling with me but this time with a new counselor, we did not like the first counselor. (cool huh at least we agreed on that) anyways,she has alot of hurt inside of her and I don't think that I will ever make her happy. I am taking steps to better myself believe me I am not trying to win her over or sweet talk her into coming back that is the last thing I want to do. I am not pressuring her in anyway, her guard is up like an iron door, I DON"T BLAME HER. I simply want her to know that I am here when she is ready and the reason we spoke today was because she asked me about the marriage counseling. We have our first session tomorrow and I hope it goes well, hopefully this counselor can get us to communicate whether we stay together or not we still need to communicate.
I noticed something today when talking to her..... I noticed that I understood things differently when she was talking, I mean I began to hear how she talks down to me and treats me bad, she puts me down alot..... but wait a minute everyone before you start bashing me, I realized that she always talks like this to me, I never noticed it before because I was blind to it. I don't know maybe I'm crazy but I did take a step to the side today and listened to the conversation almost like I was someone listening in in the other phone and I didn't like it. You know what SHE controls me, (boy am I going to get it for saying that) but she plays me like a fiddle, I have let my feelings and emotions control me for years and she knows this and it has felt for the past couple of weeks that she has been taking advantage of that. Because I am so insecure every time I get her mad I always try to make her happy because of fear of her leaving me. even now I am afraid to get her mad.......but she is already gone.What the heck! I don't know tell me what you guys think I am just ranting. Anyhoot...we meet tomorrow with the counselor I'll let you know how that goes.
Last edited by hope1er; 04-21-2010 at 06:09 PM..
Reason: forgot a word
Hey Virgode, I am an avid weight lifter and go to the gym everyday for two and a half hours, I weigh 165 and my body fat is at 12% right now. I believe if it was not for that I would have gone crazy these last three months, I am reading alot and getting familiar with meditation. What I did do to focus more on me was enroll back into chool for the summer. I believe that will get my mind off things.
There are a few things I could say about this post, however I'll largely let it drop.
The only thing I will say is that depending on how bad your behaviour was, now she's away from it, she can look at things objectively, and see things she might not have seen before.
As well as being hurt, and possibly lonely, and disappointed, she will be angry.
She will be angry with you for your behaviour, and she will be angry with herself for not dealing with the situation sooner.
there''s a lot of guilt involved in being an abuse survivor, and it can manifest itself in a myriad ways.
I'm sorry to hear your wife has decided not to come back, but not entirely surprised.
From what you write here, I suspect your marriage counselling will solve nothing, but if you can learn from each other what went wrong, and communicate on a civil level, it is easier to deal with.
What you need to do now is learn lessons from all this for when you move on, and make sure you do not make the same mistake again if you meet someone else.
Everyone has the right to be happy, and we make our own happiness. you can help to make yours by coming out of this a different, and better person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1er
I like beachmel!!! You are right I do think too much. "grow a pair" ...right, Well right now I am afraid to be alone, I am holding on to something that is not there. I spoke with my wfe today and she did tell me that she feels that too much time has passed now and that she cannot find it in her to come back to me. She agreed to go to marriage counseling with me but this time with a new counselor, we did not like the first counselor. (cool huh at least we agreed on that) anyways,she has alot of hurt inside of her and I don't think that I will ever make her happy. I am taking steps to better myself believe me I am not trying to win her over or sweet talk her into coming back that is the last thing I want to do. I am not pressuring her in anyway, her guard is up like an iron door, I DON"T BLAME HER. I simply want her to know that I am here when she is ready and the reason we spoke today was because she asked me about the marriage counseling. We have our first session tomorrow and I hope it goes well, hopefully this counselor can get us to communicate whether we stay together or not we still need to communicate.
I noticed something today when talking to her..... I noticed that I understood things differently when she was talking, I mean I began to hear how she talks down to me and treats me bad, she puts me down alot..... but wait a minute everyone before you start bashing me, I realized that she always talks like this to me, I never noticed it before because I was blind to it. I don't know maybe I'm crazy but I did take a step to the side today and listened to the conversation almost like I was someone listening in in the other phone and I didn't like it. You know what SHE controls me, (boy am I going to get it for saying that) but she plays me like a fiddle, I have let my feelings and emotions control me for years and she knows this and it has felt for the past couple of weeks that she has been taking advantage of that. Because I am so insecure every time I get her mad I always try to make her happy because of fear of her leaving me. even now I am afraid to get her mad.......but she is already gone.What the heck! I don't know tell me what you guys think I am just ranting. Anyhoot...we meet tomorrow with the counselor I'll let you know how that goes.
Hey Virgode, I am an avid weight lifter and go to the gym everyday for two and a half hours, I weigh 165 and my body fat is at 12% right now. I believe if it was not for that I would have gone crazy these last three months, I am reading alot and getting familiar with meditation. What I did do to focus more on me was enroll back into chool for the summer. I believe that will get my mind off things.
oKay. Wow..
I can see from your latest post your not going to be happy until the day she says she's moving back, you want everything to be the way it was, it will never be the same and I'm not certain your seeing a clear picture. She's going to counseling with you. What does that say...she still loves you and wants to work things out, but refuses to accept the marriage as it was.
Focusing on the end result and not fully accepting how you got to this place, isn't the best plan, I'll leave it at that.
I am jealous and controlling and my wife is tired of it. She left me a couple of weeks ago and I have started counseling for my problem, things are going very well for me I just don't want to be this way anymore. it is frustrating I cant seem to stop myself when I get jealous, the interrogating and suspicion I hate it. My beutiful wife has never done anything to me and all i have done is pushed her away! my counselor says that i am insecure and the reason i am jealous is because of the fear that someone better thatn me is going to sweep her off her feet. I dont believe that i am good enough. that is so true, i don't I always feel that i have to prove myself to her and when I feel threatened i start up with the interrogations! it has become a darn broken record. My wife is great i know she love me but i need to change if there is any chance for my marriage. we have been together for many years now and i have been doing the same destructive behavior for a long time I am tired, and i know that she is also.
Good for you to admit and seek help! I left a controlling husband and we are in the midst of divorce......so if my opinion helps.....
1. Keep up counseling.
2. Marriage counseling is great if you can find one that you both like that can help with communication.
3. Do you exercise? If not START!!! Best way to work off aggression or just the negative thoughts that creep into your brain.
4. Do you socialize with YOUR friends? If not START. My ex didn't have many friends and didn't want them......I think everyone needs friends and their own life even when married.
5. TAKE her out!!!!! I don't care if its for a ride to park and have a cup of coffee.....take an interest in whatever she says!
6.Compliment her.....great dinner hon.......love your hair......did you buy a new dress.....SIMPLE things mean so much
7. Touch......simple touch on the arm asking how her day was...a hug NO GROPING either ....holding hands
8. Tell her you love her and you will work on this but you need her help. Ask her what she needs from you.
9. Let her live.....she needs her own space all women do it doesn't mean she's out looking for someone else.
Good Luck.........remember actions so try try try. Also a smile goes along way.
I know she still loves me and there is a small chance that we can make it through this, I must transform myself into the person I want to be. I want to get there believe me, I don't want this marriage to be my learning experience as to what not to do in the next relationship. I know things will not be the same, I don't want them to be, but I am starting to undestand that she is a victim of abuse and I feel extremely remorseful of what I have done. I really damaged her. I was not a good husband. Can she recover? Only time will tell and I know that it is completely up to her whether she wants to reconcile. Today will be the first step towards that and I AM going to take steps toward my recovery. Like I said before I AM THE ABUSER. I will never deny that. but I am a recovering mental abuser.
We went to counseling yesterday and it went very well, there is alot of work to be done alot of pain and hurt was released in this session and this counselor is very good I have a long road ahead of me and I know that it will be hard, I am going to change for myself, this will probably be my last entry. I think that I need to finish this on my own. I wanted to thank Aqua, Bobman, Virogode, Beachmel, and Cespeed, you really helped me understand alot about myself and I want you to know that each one of you have a place in my heart. When I start to feel down I am going to come back to my thread and read it from start to finish. Thank you for helping me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
