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Great article! I think she's right on the money. She described me to a tee, anyway, lol. In my 20s, I was having fun, and didn't "worry" about finding Mr. Right. I just knew that he would be there someday. When I hit 30, I started thinking, "Omg, if I don't find him NOW, I may never have a family!" So at almost 34, I settled. Not the Mr. Wow This is It, but Mr. I Think He'd Make a Good Husband and Dad.
Did I do the right thing? Some days I think yes, some days no. Is it better than being alone? Yes, for sure. Would I have met someone else that would've been Mr. Right, if I'd waited a little longer? Who knows. I'll never know. Sadly I realize, like the author is saying, that if I should ever become husbandless (death or divorce), that my chances now (mid 40s with 3 kids) is WAY worse than it was then. So I guess I'll stick with the status quo, and do the best with it that I can. The alternative is probably worse anyway.
I think you are making the right decision. It's been tough going for me, and I don't even have kids! Fact is, when you are looking at the pool of available people in their 40s, you are looking at other people's discards. It's like shopping for a new suit at the Salvation Army - yes they occasionally get a real gem, but those get snatched off the racks quickly, by those who are younger. And its worse for women than it is for men, much worse. You'd need to have lady luck on your side!
I was never attracted to short men, for example. I respect them as people, as colleagues, I don't insult them or dehumanize them -- I just would never date them. I don't "judge" them for their shortness -- just not attracted, that's all. Shortness is not a character flaw, but dating and ultimately marriage is about physical attraction too.
you made the point here... men are not as rigid in their preferences and are more willing to flex it if there are other aspects of a woman that they like, for instance taking your "short man" argument, most men, including myself, *prefer* women with big boobs but most I know will not exclude a woman simply because she has small boobs if she has other attributes that make her a great catch!
you made the point here... men are not as rigid in their preferences and are more willing to flex it if there are other aspects of a woman that they like, for instance taking your "short man" argument, most men, including myself, *prefer* women with big boobs but most I know will not exclude a woman simply because she has small boobs if she has other attributes that make her a great catch!
I wouldn't liken boob size to height. Height affects overall appearance to a much greater degree than boob size. An equivalent of big boobs would be a great six-pack. Hey, I prefer that too, but most women I know will not exclude a man simply because his six-pack isn't perfect if other attributes make him a great catch! [/end sarcasm] Most boob men may indeed go for a flat-chested woman who has a great sense of humor, but most men who are attracted to slender women won't date someone who's morbidly obese, no matter how wonderful she is. Why? Because again, obesity affects a person's overall appearance to a much greater degree than boob size or the six-pack.
How depressing. I'm one that tries to stay positive regardless, but when the criteria (like a list of 300 things that make or break a second date) is set so high, how could a first date even be fun for a man?
Biology and Evolution say that a woman has to be much more judgmental. If they hook up with a loser, the ramifications can be lifelong. Where as a man only loses a little bit of zinc and mucous.
Speaking strictly from a science viewpoint. It's probably deeply ingrained in women to be judgmental when looking for mates.
Fairly one-sided, wouldn't you say? No way a man can hook up with a loser and find himself detrimentally saddled in the long-term? Just a little bit of zinc and mucous... I assume you mean since they started minting coins out of zinc rather than gold, silver and all-copper? As for the mucous... *spit*... I don't know where that would come from.
Despite my contention I'd still have to agree there is some biological imperative toward rapid judgment to some extent but not enough to paint the whole picture.
I think where the OP may find the sardonic irony is in the fact that those who are more rapidly judgmental are also the first to loudly profess that "what's on the INSIDE is what really matters". We can say whatever we want in order to justify our stance.
I can say I'm not really a man at all, but rather a highly evolved form of bicycle. You see? We can say anything -- and often do.
I was once interested in a girl who was part of an academic trio consisting of her, me and one other girl.
When I approached this girl and expressed my interest she came up with a dozen reasons, first and foremost being that as an Indian she didn't feel she could ever date a white guy, why she wouldn't date me.
When the third in our trio expressed an interest in me to this girl she (Girl #1) began to try to push me toward her. I wasn't interested and explained this -- and was immediately the target of argument and remonstration, boldly told that I was being shallow for ALL my reasons since what was "on the inside" of Girl #2 was what REALLY mattered, and how could I BE so callous of someone else's feelings and emotions?
I often wondered whether she ever stopped to think about the way that revealed what she really thought of us. I wasn't good enough for Girl #1 but I WAS good enough for her friend; Girl #1 was too good for me and her reasons weren't shallow (according to her), but Girl #2 wasn't too good for me and my reasons WERE automatically shallow.
I think some of it may be biological imperative but I suspect a lot more of it is simply justifying one's preferences.
Since it's impossible to see someone's good or bad soul across a smoky barroom floor AND since we're supposed to believe that all people are inherently good and everything else is just conditioning, how could a woman possibly be blamed for selecting an inherently good soul wrapped in nicer packaging?
I think the author generally misses the point of most criticisms, while accusing her critics of the same. I think most of the critics had a problem with her idea that marriage is the be-all-end-all of human existence, or at least female existence. She talks about marriage as if to marry is to escape from a sinking ship. It isn't like that. Marriage is not a panacea -- not for men, not for women. And some things aren't worth giving up simply for the privilege of saying you are married. Personal happiness is clearly one of them. Marriage doesn't happen for everyone. It's not a requirement and shouldn't be. And women for whom it hasn't happened shouldn't be shamed by people like the author into turning their lives upside down for something that's likely to make them miserable.
I'd prefer to live in a society in which people weren't so desperate to get married. If you find the right one, you get together. If I were the "settlee" I would not stay in that relationship and I'd feel betrayed. If women in their 40s are so upset, they were not being realistic in the first place about their expectations that their pickiness wouldnt' lead to them being single, perhaps for life. If your goal is simply to be married and procreate, expect to possibly settle in order to get that. If you won't do that, then be happy being single.
I think the author generally misses the point of most criticisms, while accusing her critics of the same. I think most of the critics had a problem with her idea that marriage is the be-all-end-all of human existence, or at least female existence. She talks about marriage as if to marry is to escape from a sinking ship. It isn't like that. Marriage is not a panacea -- not for men, not for women. And some things aren't worth giving up simply for the privilege of saying you are married. Personal happiness is clearly one of them. Marriage doesn't happen for everyone. It's not a requirement and shouldn't be. And women for whom it hasn't happened shouldn't be shamed by people like the author into turning their lives upside down for something that's likely to make them miserable.
I absolutely agree with you. However, that doesn't stop the deafening sound of your biological clock ticking, and the frantic search of a life partner, even though you don't "need" those things to get on in your life.
I think most people, men and women, are hardwired for the "desire" to have a life partner, and while rationally saying that "marriage isn't the be all end all" (which is absolutely true), doesn't change the emotional impact about being married vs. being single in your brain.
I wouldn't liken boob size to height. Height affects overall appearance to a much greater degree than boob size.
and what are you saying short people have negative appearance? Some of the hottest people (as defined by the media and general populace) are short - Tom Cruise, Michael J. Fox, Al Pacino etc.etc. list goes on... so this is highly subjective. There are a large number of men who will tell you that big boobs are a huge plus when it comes to guaging the attractiveness level of a woman.
Age is also another factor, men like younger women, especially ones who are more fertile. Women past 35 need not apply. Any man who dares to express these preferences in the open will be immediately lashed out at which is a double standard.
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