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She will leave when she is ready, but trust me she will get there. I endured a lengthy marriage (hints of it in courtship, too) of verbal, sometimes escalating to physical abuse. I am not a wimpy person by any means. I cannot explain why I even entered into such a marriage much less stayed in one for almsot 20 years. I was educated, successful, confident, etc. but apparently I had self-esteem issues. He was a really nice guy until he picked up that bottle and then the anger would rear it's ugly head, always directed at me. I turned to my church and they said "stay and pray". Well, I did that too, but to no avail. When I reached age 40 and saw my then young teen-age son repeating the disrespect towards me that he had learned from his father I knew I has enough. He cried and begged me to reconsider but I wasn't having it. I was done, put a fork in me. I divorced him and have never looked back. Like I said, she will get there.
I was not judging her; far from it. Sorry if that's the way it sounds. That may be all she knows is abuse but people don't have to put up with that.
I have an acquaintance that works with my S/O.
She is in an abusive relationship. (so she says) I finally asked her one day if she enjoys it because that's about all she can talk about but she does nothing about it. She chooses to stay with him. I think she likes the drama.
My self esteem has not always been the greatest but once someone starts dumping on me, I recognize it and nip it in the bud. The poster's friend would do this too if she wanted to. She chooses not to.
Well, then, I commend you for having the strength and no how to get out...but I'm going to suggest...just b/c you think one way, and someone else thinks another, doesn't make you right and them wrong...and we didn't stay for one reason, but for many...and, to boot, during that time, believe it or not, I didn't think I had a choice...
adding
when you've been abused from childhood, and you've never known a thing, then you can't compare it with anything else, can you?
sometimes we don't even realize we have a choice...I didn't for a long long time....
Your very lucky....
I was told I was no good from the time I was a little girl...and when someone brainwashes you like that, doesn't take long until you start to believe it. It's like people in the gheto...they actually believe they have no options....
no one LIKE the abuse...or LIKES to be in the situation they're in, they just do not know how to get out of it...and yes you are judging...and it's wrong to do so...and I take your comment very much to heart, b/c I was there once, therefore, your telling me I LIKED IT...and I hated it....and him....
Last edited by cremebrulee; 10-09-2007 at 11:12 AM..
I love people who complain about things, and every time you make a suggestion, there is some reason why that won't work out. Her life may be very messed up, but she chooses that life, unfortunately. It is not lack of self esteem, it is fear of change and being an agent of change in her own life.
I love people who complain about things, and every time you make a suggestion, there is some reason why that won't work out. Her life may be very messed up, but she chooses that life, unfortunately. It is not lack of self esteem, it is fear of change and being an agent of change in her own life.
The person abused sadly is just as sick as the abuser....it's a symbiotic relationship.
Okay this could also be reversed (man being abused by wife) to be fair!.
This is a case I know of - a gf who has been married 4 years to someone 17 yrs her senior. - He calls her names, has tried to choke her (wasnt arrested as he is a NY attorney). He tells her she is useless and uses her physically. Her family and friends, even her mother have told her to leave- she acts like she will, but never does.
Basically the dilemma I have is I feel bad but am sick of hearing her lies and excuses. When it comes down to it she has no job (will get a job then quit a week later) and will never leave this man. She also loses friends because she complains (in my case long-distance) ...
Anyway I am interested to hear everyones thoughts- we have some great posters here on this forum with alot of experience.
Please note: this isnt me - so dont worry girls!!
sunny
The very first time there is physical abuse, she should walk out. Period.
This is something I have emphasized to my teenaged daughter. What's more, I have told her that any man who makes her feel bad about herself, who makes her feel anything less than beautiful and smart and loved isn't worth a nanosecond of her time. It is better to be without love in your life than to tolerate that.
The very first time there is physical abuse, she should walk out. Period.
This is something I have emphasized to my teenaged daughter. What's more, I have told her that any man who makes her feel bad about herself, who makes her feel anything less than beautiful and smart and loved isn't worth a nanosecond of her time. It is better to be without love in your life than to tolerate that.
I totally agree, wish I had parents who told me about that...
most parents I don't believe think about it discussing these issues with they're teenagers? I don't know...however, it should be discussed as well as teaching them that they should never ever compromise they're identity for love...and give up dreams....marriage is a partnership...companionship and not one giving so much more then the other...
Location: Country cottage in the South East of England.
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She's been putting up with this for four years?!
I can only imagine that your friend is in a bad place psychologically if she tolerates both verbal and physical abuse, because that seems to be what she's doing. He will continue to hurt her as he's a bully, and enjoys hurting her.
Personally I wouldn't hang around for a second time, and I also would have gone straight to the police to file a complaint.
What if she was abused as a child grew up in abusive home and has fits of anger herself, and every relationship she has had has been violent so that is all she knows . Maybe she can’t function at work and that’s why she quits - could she have ptsd anxiety depression bipolar maybe ar a young age told that if she would only listen do what she was told
Okay this could also be reversed (man being abused by wife) to be fair!.
This is a case I know of - a gf who has been married 4 years to someone 17 yrs her senior. - He calls her names, has tried to choke her (wasnt arrested as he is a NY attorney). He tells her she is useless and uses her physically. Her family and friends, even her mother have told her to leave- she acts like she will, but never does.
Basically the dilemma I have is I feel bad but am sick of hearing her lies and excuses. When it comes down to it she has no job (will get a job then quit a week later) and will never leave this man. She also loses friends because she complains (in my case long-distance) ...
Anyway I am interested to hear everyones thoughts- we have some great posters here on this forum with alot of experience.
Please note: this isnt me - so dont worry girls!!
sunny
Always leave the very first time you feel abused, whether it be verbal, emotional or physical. In this case I think the girl is codependent with him and needs therapy to get to a point where she "can" leave him. Right now she can't because she is emotionally unstable and needs mental help.
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