Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Once upon a time I put my own kids on the back burner for some guy. Dont know what the heck I was thinking but never again. My kids' thoughts, how they might feel about any potential person, and well being, no matter how old they are, will always come first. Lots of times, kids can see right through someone and we can (some have) been known to overlook it. Not anymore. They also know Im not looking for a relationship right now though and are very protective too, after all theyve seen me go through, due to making a bad choice or two.
Kids first. Regardless of age. Period.
I met my dh in 96 and we married in 97. He had a daughter that was 8 years old when we got married. His x wife was extremely jealous even though I went out of my way to try to be a friend to her for the sake of his kid.
My dh's x let his daughter drop out of school at 14 and falsified documents to the court for 5 years that she was still attending school. We were paying her 700 a month in support. His x let his daughter have a boyfriend shack up with her hen she was 17 resulting in a pregnancy.
She was allowing her daughter and her son to smoke pot and crack in her house and we knew nothing about it until my step daughter was arrested while trying to deal baking soda to an undercover cop.
She was put on probation and then later house arrest when she kept failing drug screens. She was at that time 7 months pregnant with her second kid and she was 19 years old.
Thats when my husband and I took her and the babies in to our home and tried to straighten her out. Her oldest one was 2 at that time and very unruly. He had watched her be assaulted by her x boyfriend (not his father) and even watched her perform oral and vaginal sex.
He could clean a pipe at 2 years old and would even tell people his mommy is a crack W*0re. That was somehing his uncle taught him to say.
My step daughter thought it was a vacation and would constantly run the roads for 18 hours a day with her 2 year old not feeding him or bathing him. She would bring him home filthy and hungry. He was not growing normally.
One night she came home with a friend of hers asking if that friend could stay at my house. the friend was under the influence of something and I said no and that she should call the friends mom because she was underage and that is when my step daughter left out with my grandson and was gone for 2 days at a motel getting high and having sex for money.
When I finally did get ahold of her she lied and said she was raped. Not true at all. CPS was involved and gave me temporary custody of her children. While I had her kids she was constantly calling the child abuse hotline on me. Her oldest son was 2 and he was trying to kill the younger one he was about 6 months and then one day we were getting ready to go somewhere when my oldest grandson picked up something and threw it at the baby i blocked it and he hit me with it. When I sat him down in time out he kicked me in the face so I spanked him. Left a red handprint on his butt.
Miraculously CPS busts in and takes the kids and puts them in foster care and I am charged with child abuse. I went through the whole trial and faced jailtime. This was in the summer and then his daughter came back to live with us, she was pregnant with the third kid and still on drugs. She went off in a rage because I was on the phone with her oldest sons step mother. She through a cordless phone at me and hit me. I called the cops and pressed charges. She spent 5 hours in jail. I got a restraining order preventing her from calling my house or my cell and she was ordered to stay away.
You would think my husband would be supportive and instead she was constantly calling our house and he would get pissed if I said anything about it. Then tax time rolled around and he noticed a lot of checks wrote out off his business account for cash. They had my name on them but they were forged by his daughter.
He wouldnt let me prosecute her so I turned them over to the bank and they did. She didnt get anything but probation. She still to this day is violating the restraining order. I told him it was me or her and if he wants to stay married he has to cut his ties. I found out recently he is giving her money and fixing her car. She doesnt have custody of any of her kids and is still using drugs. She just spent 38 days in jail for gods sake.
I feel betrayed. I have been through hell at the hands of his daughter who is an adult and he shows no emotion. i dont know whether I should stay or go.
Go. There is nothing to salvage here. Cut your losses. Walk away and don't look back. You deserve better than this.
A spouse should come before children (as long as the children's NEED (not preferences) are being met). It's intended that you stay with your spouse for a lifteime. Your kids will only be with you, ideally, until they grow up and move out on their own. If your marriage doesn't come first, it will not survive raising kids.
My son is 11. At this point, he would naturally come first.
Why? Marriages that take a back seat to kids often don't survive.
Realistically, we are, actively, raising kids for 20 or so years while we could be married for 50. Also, in putting our marriages first, we teach our children how to have successful marriages.
I'm not talking about failing to meet children's needs here. I'm talking about putting children before your marriage. You can be a great parent and put your marriage first. In fact, a good marriage goes a long way towards creating a household conducive to raising children well.
I think your thread is mis-titled - your situation is far more complex than simply "spouse or child". Generally, the kids DO come first. (I know - everyone says the spouse should, but the reality is, there is nothing quite like your own child and it's pretty much in your genes to protect and parent them, no matter what.)
HOWEVER, in your case, the kid is grown, and off and running into the depths of wretchedness. Frankly, I'd not have the patience to tolerate such behavior from her - you've gone far further than I could. I'd get the hell out.
My first instinct was to write children always comes first" but after reading the entire post it's not a child we're talking about but a monster.
Go. There is nothing to salvage here. Cut your losses. Walk away and don't look back. You deserve better than this.
A spouse should come before children (as long as the children's NEED (not preferences) are being met). It's intended that you stay with your spouse for a lifteime. Your kids will only be with you, ideally, until they grow up and move out on their own. If your marriage doesn't come first, it will not survive raising kids.
Ahhh.. couldnt have said it better myself.. reps for you...
Growing up, this is what the priest always said about relationships.
#1-Yourself--how can you be nice to anybody else if you can't be kind to yourself.
#2-Your Spouse--I don't remember exactly why he said this, because honestly I wanted to be 2nd. But I think it had to do him saying that parents that had healthy, loving relationships were better parents.
#3-Your Kids--My parents took this as carte blanche to put me in time out all the time. I never did anything wrong.
Growing up, this is what the priest always said about relationships.
#1-Yourself--how can you be nice to anybody else if you can't be kind to yourself.
#2-Your Spouse--I don't remember exactly why he said this, because honestly I wanted to be 2nd. But I think it had to do him saying that parents that had healthy, loving relationships were better parents.
#3-Your Kids--My parents took this as carte blanche to put me in time out all the time. I never did anything wrong.
Actually, most priests I know would say it this way:
Why? Marriages that take a back seat to kids often don't survive.
Realistically, we are, actively, raising kids for 20 or so years while we could be married for 50. Also, in putting our marriages first, we teach our children how to have successful marriages.
I'm not talking about failing to meet children's needs here. I'm talking about putting children before your marriage. You can be a great parent and put your marriage first. In fact, a good marriage goes a long way towards creating a household conducive to raising children well.
Ya`know? This is some good advice!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
