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Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldwoman
I wish I could feel the way that you do, but I don't. I feel betrayed. So what do I do with that feeling?
What would you think if your daughter chose to have a relationship with your mother even though it hurt you deeply?
As to your first sentence, I wish I had an answer that would help you. I hate that you are in so much pain.
As to the second sentence, I just cannot see me ever having her make a choice between me or someone else. Even if she chose to have a relationship with my sister from hell, it would still be her choice to make.
I guess I'm at peace with my past. I've let a lot go. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy and it took a lot of inner reflection. For me it really became simple when I finally understood that I cannot change others. I can only change how I react.
I was married to an alcoholic and drug addict. I had two kids before those traits were present in my now ex. I've since divorced and remarried to an absolutely wonderful man. Quite a few years ago my ex had a stroke due to using coke, even after many years of abstinence. My daughter is now his caregiver and he lives in her home. He is functional but does have short term memory loss. His personality also had a change. Where he was once loud and outgoing, he is now quiet.
Do I stop going to her house? No. I've even stayed at her house when going north to visit everyone. Hubby and I usually stay at my son's house during Christmas. The family gathers at the son's house and my ex is always there for those. After all, he is their dad. He sucked as a life partner.....for me...but he is still their dad. Was it awkward at first? I have to admit that for me...yeah. Just a bit. Especially since I was the one to initiate the divorce.
Funny story when my second oldest grandchild was just old enough to figure out that I was once married to her grandfather Howard. It really was funny to see the lightbulb go on in her little head. We were All out to dinner and you could just see the realization dawning on her face. Oh, btw, she thinks her Grandpa Rick is a better choice for me . She loves both her Grandpas very much.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the change has to come from within us. We cannot change others.
Robino1 ... I do understand what you are saying. I have no desire to change anyone. Not my sister or my daughter.
I have worked on myself extensively for many years both through therapy and through 'self-help'. Basically, this is who I am. If we were to switch places and if my/your ex-husband had hurt me deeply, then I would not go around him at all. But, I would be completely accepting of my daughter having a relationship with him since that is very different than the 'aunt thing'.
Speaking only for myself: I think I have a trace of paranoia. If my child were to have a relationship with someone I did not have a relationship with, I would wonder what they talked about, did my child take "sides"? It is a deeply emotional thing for those of us who think/feel that way. Someone else might look at the situation and think we should "get over it." I want to get over it and it is something I work on almost every day. I do realize that the only person hurt by my thinking this way is me.
I listen to a woman on TV every morning whose wisdom I really treasure. She made the point this morning that unless you have had the exact same experience, there is no way you can truly understand it.
Speaking only for myself: I think I have a trace of paranoia. If my child were to have a relationship with someone I did not have a relationship with, I would wonder what they talked about, did my child take "sides"? It is a deeply emotional thing for those of us who think/feel that way. Someone else might look at the situation and think we should "get over it." I want to get over it and it is something I work on almost every day. I do realize that the only person hurt by my thinking this way is me.
I listen to a woman on TV every morning whose wisdom I really treasure. She made the point this morning that unless you have had the exact same experience, there is no way you can truly understand it.
Yes exactly. I'm not sure I would say paranoia though. But, I would have to wonder why someone who professes to care deeply about me would want to have a relationship with someone who hurt me.
I would understand if that person had already established a relationship with the other and that it was separate from me.
It's a little like dealing with your mother and husband when they don't get along. The onus is on you to straighten things out since the two of them would normally have nothing to do with one another if not for your preexisting relationships with each. But, you don't interfere when your sisters are not getting along because that is a preexisting relationship that is separate from you.
I might even understand if my daughter and sister had an already established close relationship with one another where they had formed an emotional bond. But, the relationship between them was distant and, as I said earlier, my daughter didn't even like my sister. So it's really about the principle for my daughter. She feels that no one should have any influence over who she has relationships with.
I don't think this way. If there was someone my daughter did not get along with, then I would not go out of my way to establish a relationship with that person. It sounds ludicrous to me.
Speaking only for myself: I think I have a trace of paranoia. If my child were to have a relationship with someone I did not have a relationship with, I would wonder what they talked about, did my child take "sides"? It is a deeply emotional thing for those of us who think/feel that way. Someone else might look at the situation and think we should "get over it." I want to get over it and it is something I work on almost every day. I do realize that the only person hurt by my thinking this way is me.
I listen to a woman on TV every morning whose wisdom I really treasure. She made the point this morning that unless you have had the exact same experience, there is no way you can truly understand it.
I would caution against 'over thinking' such things since the reality is that they're outside of our span of control. Just being ourselves and not thrusting ourselves into the middle of other people's relationships is what I try hard to do. While I could easily still resent the ex's interference with my relationships with my daughters, when she was capable of having relationships with them, it would change nothing and only leave me hurt, frustrated and angry so why bother?
Get over it? No. File it away and not dwell upon it? Absolutely!
I would caution against 'over thinking' such things since the reality is that they're outside of our span of control. Just being ourselves and not thrusting ourselves into the middle of other people's relationships is what I try hard to do. While I could easily still resent the ex's interference with my relationships with my daughters, when she was capable of having relationships with them, it would change nothing and only leave me hurt, frustrated and angry so why bother?
Get over it? No. File it away and not dwell upon it? Absolutely!
I agree with this. Maintaining the angry and betrayal feelings only keeps us in constant pain. And any time we spend trying to figure it out is wasted time. We never will. Acceptance is a real gift.
It takes a lot of effort to put the wall up. It's a wall of self preservation, protection for us. But having a door that connects the two sides is a good idea.
I don't want my life to be forever painful by making the problem so important. Have to let go of it, stop trying to control it. We can only (IMHO) control ourselves.
I gave up over 30 years of my life dwelling and stressing over my problem. I don't want to waste any more of the time I have left. I'm looking for ways to enjoy life now.
I agree with this. Maintaining the angry and betrayal feelings only keeps us in constant pain. And any time we spend trying to figure it out is wasted time. We never will. Acceptance is a real gift.
It takes a lot of effort to put the wall up. It's a wall of self preservation, protection for us. But having a door that connects the two sides is a good idea.
I don't want my life to be forever painful by making the problem so important. Have to let go of it, stop trying to control it. We can only (IMHO) control ourselves.
I gave up over 30 years of my life dwelling and stressing over my problem. I don't want to waste any more of the time I have left. I'm looking for ways to enjoy life now.
Speaking only for myself: I think I have a trace of paranoia. If my child were to have a relationship with someone I did not have a relationship with, I would wonder what they talked about, did my child take "sides"? It is a deeply emotional thing for those of us who think/feel that way. Someone else might look at the situation and think we should "get over it." I want to get over it and it is something I work on almost every day. I do realize that the only person hurt by my thinking this way is me.
I listen to a woman on TV every morning whose wisdom I really treasure. She made the point this morning that unless you have had the exact same experience, there is no way you can truly understand it.
I do understand and I have been there and it is a horrible feeling. I had to get over such ideas as loyalty and fthe realize I can't fret over what i can't control and not just accept that but make peace with that.
Adult children contacting their parents, what's a reasonable expectation? I know many daughters talk to their mother daily. I am estranged from one son, my choice and I suppose his, and I have one son who I see every few months. We live about an hour apart. Is it reasonable to expect him to call us once a month? Every two months? When they were in college we said they had to call at least once every two months. Now if I call him he will sometimes call me back but often not. He is recently separated from his wife but she never stopped him from calling us. In fact, if I really needed to speak with him I would text her and tell her I and she would make him call. Anyway, what is reasonable for adult children and their parents to be in contact? Am I over the line if I ask to speak with him once a month?
Adult children contacting their parents, what's a reasonable expectation? I know many daughters talk to their mother daily. I am estranged from one son, my choice and I suppose his, and I have one son who I see every few months. We live about an hour apart. Is it reasonable to expect him to call us once a month? Every two months? When they were in college we said they had to call at least once every two months. Now if I call him he will sometimes call me back but often not. He is recently separated from his wife but she never stopped him from calling us. In fact, if I really needed to speak with him I would text her and tell her I and she would make him call. Anyway, what is reasonable for adult children and their parents to be in contact? Am I over the line if I ask to speak with him once a month?
There is really no definitive answer to your question because people's expectations and practices vary so much. However, in my personal opinion asking to speak to your son once a month is certainly not excessive. You can hardly be accused of harrassing him. Now if your son himself requested that you contact him less often, then it is "too much" for him, although I would wonder why and that would seem a bit odd to me. It would seem to indicate something is wrong with the relationship somewhere.
I was never joined at the hip with either parent, but there was always some sort of contact, perhaps once or twice a month. Some people would probably consider that too much "distance".
I have never understood the daughters and mothers who talk to each other daily; in those cases I have to wonder if the daughter has developped into an autonomous adult with her own real life. But I certainly cannot claim that it is hurting anybody per se, unless it is preventing the daughter from functioning on her own.
Once I was visiting my sister for a few days and I noticed that she was talking to her 23-year-old daughter, a senior in college in another state, four or five times a day on her cell phone. I was absolutely blown away, totally astonished, but people told me later that such a thing is not unusual. From my perspective it was pathological, but I do recognize that there are perspectives different from mine.
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. She loves both her Grandpas very much.
