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My above post wasn't to make light of the OP's subject. I really would like to know about this in other cultures. In the CBS clip, an Italian man refers to Americans as being "too individualistic" and in his country everything is "family." I'm sure there's a lot of drama in that, at any rate.
Not just Italians by the way, I grew up in an old world German family , talk about taking advantage of Their mother! IE: my grandparents had three sons, all but one continued to be served at lest two meals everyday by their mother, my Dad was one too but not as bad as his brothers as we moved off the family compound when I was five or six. Still though, my Dad drove to work every day but Sunday to the " farm" where the toil was equal ( except for my grandad who was a better delegator and story teller than a farm hand ) between all the " guys" as they were referred too. Grandma cooked food morning to night, only the evening meal was off limits to all but Grandpa. Everyone spoke Low German ( me too ) all funds / money's were commingled which drove my mother nuts most of her life.
Are we starting to confuse "cultures which expect to live in extended family groups" with "extended families who find a doormat and take advantage of that person"?
Are we starting to confuse "cultures which expect to live in extended family groups" with "extended families who find a doormat and take advantage of that person"?
Not me. I see nothing commendable about families taking advantage of women...mothers and grandmothers...to keep their family life warm and fuzzy. I'm just interested in the OP's subject from other cultural points of view. In some cultures adults shun sons or daughters who do not fit the "norm" of the family, for example. But that's going off track, I realize.
Are we starting to confuse "cultures which expect to live in extended family groups" with "extended families who find a doormat and take advantage of that person"?
This is why I try and stay away from threads more than 3 pages long. They become unrecognizable.
As far as Italians go, they're a closely knit familial unit with a strong matriarch at the helm and we couldn't be more off topic from modern day selfish youth (and often middle aged narcissists) who think the world revolves around them and parents get shut out of their busy lives.
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsa
How about parents who don't speak to their adult children over silly reasons?
I know one couple who no longer have relationships with their adult children by the parent's choice.
I could understand it if the adult kids were drunks, druggies, in jail, etc., but they are not! Both are successful adults, and one even owns his own successful company.
Their offenses? One left the religion he was raised in and joined his wife's church, and the other has a long term (5 years) boyfriend, but is not married, with no plans for marriage. They are both happy with their choices. Mom and dad were not, so they stopped speaking to both.
Utterly and completely ridiculous, IMO.
Totally...my ex sister in law just told me her daughter won't talk to her because of some controversy over a car engine they bought..don't know all the details but her daughter is forbidding her from coming to the grandsons wedding....over a car engine....
Totally...my ex sister in law just told me her daughter won't talk to her because of some controversy over a car engine they bought..don't know all the details but her daughter is forbidding her from coming to the grandsons wedding....over a car engine....
It sounds outrageous on the surface but you can bet there is more history there. And the history may be that the daughter is upset with mother over many other things that have nothing to do with a car engine.
Or it may be that the daughter is an entitled jerk and just wants to punish mother in order to "get her back in line" with daughter's expectations (usually monetary).
In any case, yes it is very sad but unfortunately, all too common. It is even worse b/c grandchildren are essentially being used as pawns in all this. I would like to know how a mother has the power to exclude anyone from her son's wedding . . . that in itself is outrageous and overstepping all sorts of boundaries. It should be up to son and future daughter-in-law as to their guests and who is invited. Good luck to future DIL if that is the typical behavior of the mother/law she will be getting!!!!!!
It sounds outrageous on the surface but you can bet there is more history there. And the history may be that the daughter is upset with mother over many other things that have nothing to do with a car engine.
Or it may be that the daughter is an entitled jerk and just wants to punish mother in order to "get her back in line" with daughter's expectations (usually monetary).
In any case, yes it is very sad but unfortunately, all too common. It is even worse b/c grandchildren are essentially being used as pawns in all this. I would like to know how a mother has the power to exclude anyone from her son's wedding . . . that in itself is outrageous and overstepping all sorts of boundaries. It should be up to son and future daughter-in-law as to their guests and who is invited. Good luck to future DIL if that is the typical behavior of the mother/law she will be getting!!!!!!
Yes! The ex worked hard and well to estrange and alienate me from all my children, especially my three daughters. When my oldest daughter was married and despite severe threats that her mother and two sisters wouldn't be there if I was it turned out to be just so much rhetoric. When one of my grandchildren was baptized she made the same threat. My wife and I were both there regardless and the ex and my other two daughters were there as well. When my youngest son was married here came that threat again yet my wife and I were there and I was his best man. The ex and the girls attended as well. Over those years, lots of hot air the older children didn't buy into.
As it stands now, I have relationships with all five of my children. Only one of them maintains any relationship or contact with the ex. Her stinkin' thinkin' and control issues have turned the others away from her and did so years ago.
Sadly, some older children can do just fine estranging themselves all on their own. They certainly don't need assistance from a parent.
I wonder how adult-kid estrangements figure in to other cultures. For instance, I just saw a CBS feature about adult men in Italy living at home with their parent(s) into their 20s, 30s, and 40s, staying close to their parents as they age and also having mama do their laundry and cooking. Many of these guys are professionals making good money; some have their own "other" homes (where they hang out with their GFs) but on a regular basis live in the family home. They all seem to revere mama, and well they should...she waits on them hand and foot and feeds them pasta. Only in Italy!
It was 60 Minutes - the mamoni or something like that.
We had a family compound when we were growing up. Granma in the middle house, my mom/dad in a house on one side, uncle and his family on the other. My cousins lived down the street in their own compound.
It didn't stay that way, of course. I think it was just easier and more convenient at the time. People needed assistance with all the kids. My granma was a great help to my mother. My mother said she took to her bed for a month after her mother died.
But with all these modern conveniences, no longer need all those extra hands.
As for those ladies in Italy and others like that - some actually like that. My aunt loves cooking for her kids.
It was 60 Minutes - the mamoni or something like that.
We had a family compound when we were growing up. Granma in the middle house, my mom/dad in a house on one side, uncle and his family on the other. My cousins lived down the street in their own compound.
It didn't stay that way, of course. I think it was just easier and more convenient at the time. People needed assistance with all the kids. My granma was a great help to my mother. My mother said she took to her bed for a month after her mother died.
But with all these modern conveniences, no longer need all those extra hands.
As for those ladies in Italy and others like that - some actually like that. My aunt loves cooking for her kids.
Just about every grandparent I personally know today (who lives near their grandkids) is doing some form of grandsitting, some nearly full time. So I think that hasn't changed much. Neither has family infighting and various tensions. Some families are able to fold it in, others not. Some grandparents, including myself, will sweep an insult or slight of any kind under the rug, to avoid estrangement.
Just about every grandparent I personally know today (who lives near their grandkids) is doing some form of grandsitting, some nearly full time. So I think that hasn't changed much. Neither has family infighting and various tensions. Some families are able to fold it in, others not. Some grandparents, including myself, will sweep an insult or slight of any kind under the rug, to avoid estrangement.
Should be like my mom. She didn't put up with that. If you (DIL, usually) felt slighted and wanted to be estranged - go ahead. She had 30 other grandkids to take their place - lol!
My sister has a bitchy DIL and I feel like smacking her sometimes - well both really. Sister has given them cars, a house, vacation money, takes care of the kids and the little witch still sits there and makes faces. She should just get a divorce and be on her way!
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