Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
In my humble opinion, after reading a few of the letters she receives and the answers she gives, is a major factor in the problems people have today. Atrocious advice.
I guess I come from a different time, where you are grateful and thankful to your parents for everything, no matter how small, they give you and help you with. My parents certainly made mistakes, but I have accepted that they did the best they could based upon their backgrounds and experience. I could never imagine estrangement... they are long gone now and I think of them every day.
My step daughter is pretty much absentee from our lives, and I know it hurts my husband. But I can only see from her behaviour that no one taught her respect in her young life and that is problem here now. Allow your child to run wild and give give give and let them do what THEY want with no discipline or consequenses, and this is what you have: a self centered egocentric adult who cares only for himself or herself, and having his/her immediate greedy needs met.
Read this entire thread, and it has given some comfort knowing that there are others in our situation.
My step daughter is pretty much absentee from our lives, and I know it hurts my husband. But I can only see from her behaviour that no one taught her respect in her young life and that is problem here now. Allow your child to run wild and give give give and let them do what THEY want with no discipline or consequenses, and this is what you have: a self centered egocentric adult who cares only for himself or herself, and having his/her immediate greedy needs met.
Read this entire thread, and it has given some comfort knowing that there are others in our situation.
Therapists will tell you that a permissive parenting style is the most damaging. I do not remember myself talking back to my parents but my mom used to say that I did all the time. She did not grow up in a permissive home, but they brought me up in a very permissive home. For instance, once, when I was 14, I ran away from home and got caught on a boat about 10 days later. I remember coming home to a nice meal, but not getting punished or even "talked to," much to my surprise. There was no consequences at all. Thus, being a single mom, I was more of a best friend to my own daughter and this is probably why she disrespects me so very much now. I realize it now and I'm in so much pain, but she has banished me from her life and won't allow me to apologize for it. I am 61 and now have to live the rest of my life in regret while she lives the rest of her life in anger and guilt. Although, I am convinced that she didn't have to be this way; that much of it is vile temperament that she inherited from her father and her father's family. At least she admits to me that I was a caring and loving mom, I'm just not perfect in her eyes and so I should be blamed for everything.
Therapists will tell you that a permissive parenting style is the most damaging. I do not remember myself talking back to my parents but my mom used to say that I did all the time. She did not grow up in a permissive home, but they brought me up in a very permissive home. For instance, once, when I was 14, I ran away from home and got caught on a boat about 10 days later. I remember coming home to a nice meal, but not getting punished or even "talked to," much to my surprise. There was no consequences at all. Thus, being a single mom, I was more of a best friend to my own daughter and this is probably why she disrespects me so very much now. I realize it now and I'm in so much pain, but she has banished me from her life and won't allow me to apologize for it. I am 61 and now have to live the rest of my life in regret while she lives the rest of her life in anger and guilt. Although, I am convinced that she didn't have to be this way; that much of it is vile temperament that she inherited from her father and her father's family. At least she admits to me that I was a caring and loving mom, I'm just not perfect in her eyes and so I should be blamed for everything.
First of all, the rest of your life hasn't happened yet. You don't know how things could change in the years between now and then.
I have been "estranged" from my adult daughter (she is 53) for at least 30+ years with very rare chances at seeing her for a few hours only to have the door shut in my face every time. I've felt all the emotions. Anger, worry, self blame, etc. Over and over again. Very recently she sent me a message and even invited me to her home for coffee. I was quite surprised. I went over and spent about 2 hours with her. Eventually I could see she was bored with my company so said it was time to go and I left. It was on good terms. But I did notice something different this time. I have changed. I am not blaming myself anymore. From some of what she talked about I can see she has some mental illness going on. It has taken a real burden off me. She is very charmed by her father, the man she accused of molesting her when she was 11 and I was hospitalized with breakdown. She had knowledge of his cheating with women before I did. Guess I was pretty blind back then. We have been divorced over 30 years. He went on to marry two more times. His current wife apparently doesn't do social things he enjoys so daughter feels sorry for him.
OK, so what's the point of going on and on and on. It's time to stop. I feel so free these days. I am moving to NC where I hope to enjoy my remaining years (I am 73).
I guess it all boils down to "what is" and acceptance of it. No blame. No games. Just find peace in your life as best as you can.
Good luck to you. You can do it.
I do think acceptance is the key to feeling relief. We cannot change them or make them want us in their life. We may not have been perfect parents but I cannot see any reason to close us out like they've done. And for the grands it is even worse.
I do think acceptance is the key to feeling relief. We cannot change them or make them want us in their life. We may not have been perfect parents but I cannot see any reason to close us out like they've done. And for the grands it is even worse.
I was far from being a perfect parent but then neither were my two sisters (or our parents for that matter). My sisters' kids never did to them what mine have done to me. There is no rhyme or reason. I know it is hard to stop trying to understand it but it defies understanding. I am not sure that even THEY understand it. My daughter said in her first message last week was that she wanted to make it right with me. Since I enjoy my life, I won't hold my breath waiting for it.
I have three grands and I've lost count of how many great-grands there are. All in Oklahoma where my son lives. He is a story in himself. Spent 5 years in prison for being accused same thing his sister accused their father. Recently threatened to get a lawyer after me because I looked and commented on his FB page.
My feelings? Who the heck needs that? Life is too darned short. Live and let live.
I've noticed that a lot of my friends' kids seem to like me. Good enough for me.
I know I've came to the same conclusion, NYgal, life's too short to waste it on people that do not want us in their life. I have others, like you do, that are the same age bracket as mine, that do like me. I have also seen parents have their children come back in their life to only turn right around a year or two later and do it to them again. No thank you! My heart couldnt take it. I'll stick with this quiet and move on.
I know I've came to the same conclusion, NYgal, life's too short to waste it on people that do not want us in their life. I have others, like you do, that are the same age bracket as mine, that do like me. I have also seen parents have their children come back in their life to only turn right around a year or two later and do it to them again. No thank you! My heart couldnt take it. I'll stick with this quiet and move on.
Remember MaryBeth2, this is not about you. It is all about them.
I often wonder how cruel life can seem sometimes. I am 58 and lost my mom 29 yrs ago and my dad 23 yrs ago. I have missed them terribly over the years, but am grateful for the time we had as a family. I have several friends my age with parents still alive, and they cannot stand each other. While I would have given anything to have more time with my folks, I sometimes find it hard to not bi*ch about how unfair life can be. Both of these friends will not shed a tear when the parents die.
I still cry for mine sometimes.
Thanks for letting me share.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I just don't understand any of this...
