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This example exemplifies the fact that people are strange, and that every family is unique. I would have KILLED to have experienced fun holidays . . . it's hard to imagine that there would be people who would not appreciate trauma-free festivities - it seems counter-intuitive - who would have thought? There are so many divergent problems people have in this world . . . so many problems, so many personalities, so many variables and combinations.
I think when mental illness is involved, the scars run deep and coping mechanisms get so complicated -- no easy solutions other than perhaps therapy, and that is usually hard work (no easy answers).
And let's face it--some people don't know how to function without drama, so they create it as well as being drawn to it. A dysfunctional family is like a mental health petri dish!!! You put them all together in close proximity and it is anyone's guess what form of dysfunction will pop up.
The person said the ENTIRE FAMILY was on board with it . . . not just one or two crazies . . .
oh yes. I have known of this same type of situation. The adult children fall right in line with whatever the parents deem will be! This is especially true in families where money is used to buy(extort) compliance.
It is not that uncommon for there to be a scapegoat in dysfunctional families--and those folks often get treated badly by the entire family.
I have a relative who has even threatened his adult children, the youngest of which is 42, with cutting anyone out of his will if they do not figure out how to spend Christmas with them every year. Yes, every year--to heck with the other inlaws.
And he means it. I have seen him in a frothing rage over his edicts to his children. Since his estate will be impressive, no one is about to rock the boat.
I have a relative who has even threatened his adult children, the youngest of which is 42, with cutting anyone out of his will if they do not figure out how to spend Christmas with them every year. Yes, every year--to heck with the other inlaws.
And he means it. I have seen him in a frothing rage over his edicts to his children. Since his estate will be impressive, no one is about to rock the boat.
An excellent example of a thoroughly dysfunctional lose-lose family: tyrannical parent, greedy off-spring.
But imo relatively rare and not at all typical of the type of estrangement most families in this thread are dealing with.
edit to add: I'm discouraged that many posts here seem to be focus on finding someone to blame. In real-life family estrangements, it's often unwarranted self guilt that causes torment. Estrangement doesn't always, or even often, mean there's someone to "blame".
Last edited by biscuitmom; 05-10-2013 at 11:12 PM..
I was just wondering how estranged relationships handle a family member dying. I have no desire to go to any of my sibs when they pass right now but don't know if that will change when it happens. My outlook on it has always been if you don't have time for me while I'm living don't come see me when I'm dead.
Although I won't be around to see it, it wll be interesting to note which of my five children will bother traveling here when I'm laid to rest in the nearby veterans cemetery. I know my youngest son will. He and his wife will also be coming here for a visit soon - the first of the children to visit in the almost five years we've been here although the invitation has always been extended and we've gone to them in the past. Son and family would have come sooner but finances got in their way.
Of course, since I will have already checked out it won't matter to me. However, it will matter to my wife and that does matter to me.
An excellent example of a thoroughly dysfunctional lose-lose family: tyrannical parent, greedy off-spring.
But imo relatively rare and not at all typical of the type of estrangement most families in this thread are dealing with.
edit to add: I'm discouraged that many posts here seem to be focus on finding someone to blame. In real-life family estrangements, it's often unwarranted self guilt that causes torment. Estrangement doesn't always, or even often, mean there's someone to "blame".
Good point -- I do think guilt in some manifestation is often at the root of estrangements. I do not subscribe to guilt in any form, except one: when I have knowingly done something wrong. I do not believe someone else can impose guilt upon us--ii is something we have to buy into.
Once you get to that point, it is very difficult for someone to be manipulated by another person's beliefs, expectations, or narcissistic demands.
Our family of origin can hold tremendous power over us, for better or worse, but only if we accept their psychological definition of who we are.
People who refer to mentally-ill people as "crazies" are either very uneducated and/or extremely unkind and/or need professional help themselves. Often it's a combination of all three.
This thread was started so that people would know that estrangement, often kept secret, is not rare and for them to tell their stories -- if they chose to -- without condemnation and/or judgment. That has been accomplished. No one can destroy that now.
People who refer to mentally-ill people as "crazies" are either very uneducated and/or extremely unkind and/or need professional help themselves. Often it's a combination of all three.
Hear! Hear! My wife is bipolar type 2. Does that make her "crazy?" Well, yeah by strict definition. But that "crazy" woman was a very competent midwife who successfully delivered hundreds of babies in their homes and then carved out a good career with her state in politics and legislation while raising her two daughters as single parent with absolutely no support, whatsoever, from their father. Until we married and I tentatively diagnosed her a couple of years later, she'd been untreated for about 40 years and still functioned quite well.
Crazy is as crazy does! Some "sane" people should be so crazy.
My deceased husbands children did not have anything to do with him for the last 14 years of his life. It was because he divorced their mother after 27 years of marriage, he stated that he was miserable and waited until the youngest was 18. I did not meet him until 8 years later, so I was not part of the equation.
The ex was full of venom although being paid handsome alimony until she was age 65, the children sided with her, they never matured enough to realize that there were two sides to the story, they refused to give him a chance. Although when he died they contested his will in court, all of a sudden they appeared, a miracle...now they cared...about his money.
I am not speaking to my mother for the 4th time in my adult life. She is a mean, abusive drunk, she is 87 years old and still get hammered daily. The family has tried everything with her, nothing has worked. Her siblings have not spoken to her in 25 years, her step daughter for 3 and me... it has been over a year. She has not one friend and burnt every bridge.
My brother does call her on occasion, yet never visits unless there is an emergency, I believe he keeps in contact because she has made it clear that he will get all her worldly possessions, she has told my step sister and I, that we will get nothing, we don't care, never did. My brother was always her favorite, no one could miss that, yet he has always been the one who did the least for her. Go figure.
I had to go no contact, it was either her or me, I chose me. I am at peace with my decision.
This is a great thread, thanks so much for starting it.
Thank you for posting. Obviously we're not to be scared away by the things that don't matter on this thread.
And my sincerest condolences on the loss of your husband. Also, it's hard enough to lose your husband and have to deal with all the aftermath of family coming out of the woodwork for money. I worked in Probate Court for years. It was a real eye opener.
As for your mother -- I understand. Truly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dollydo
My deceased husbands children did not have anything to do with him for the last 14 years of his life. It was because he divorced their mother after 27 years of marriage, he stated that he was miserable and waited until the youngest was 18. I did not meet him until 8 years later, so I was not part of the equation.
The ex was full of venom although being paid handsome alimony until she was age 65, the children sided with her, they never matured enough to realize that there were two sides to the story, they refused to give him a chance. Although when he died they contested his will in court, all of a sudden they appeared, a miracle...now they cared...about his money.
I am not speaking to my mother for the 4th time in my adult life. She is a mean, abusive drunk, she is 87 years old and still get hammered daily. The family has tried everything with her, nothing has worked. Her siblings have not spoken to her in 25 years, her step daughter for 3 and me... it has been over a year. She has not one friend and burnt every bridge.
My brother does call her on occasion, yet never visits unless there is an emergency, I believe he keeps in contact because she has made it clear that he will get all her worldly possessions, she has told my step sister and I, that we will get nothing, we don't care, never did. My brother was always her favorite, no one could miss that, yet he has always been the one who did the least for her. Go figure.
I had to go no contact, it was either her or me, I chose me. I am at peace with my decision.
This is a great thread, thanks so much for starting it.
People who refer to mentally-ill people as "crazies" are either very uneducated and/or extremely unkind and/or need professional help themselves. Often it's a combination of all three.
This thread was started so that people would know that estrangement, often kept secret, is not rare and for them to tell their stories -- if they chose to -- without condemnation and/or judgment. That has been accomplished. No one can destroy that now.
Not necessarily. Sometimes people use words lightly, with a touch of humor. Not everything is diabolical and/or pathological in origin or intent.
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