Daily Joke Thread (Cleveland, Canadian, Point: homes, weddings, high schools)

[Merovee]

The intersection of Basse and McCullough comes to mind. A huge colony of birds can usually be found there on the power lines.

[RodLu]

[HillCountryHotRodMan]

Sign found in a restroom at a bar:

"We don't pee in your ashtrays, so please don't throw cigarette butts in our urinals"

[RodLu]

"IF YOU SPRINKLE WHEN YOU TINKLE, BE NEAT AND WIPE THE SEAT." -a wallsign I once saw in a restaurant restroom

[elnina]

[RodLu]

Something a friend sent me:








**************************









The DEA officer


ENJOY


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Montana, and spoke to an old rancher who was busy fixing a fence. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there" and pointed to a large fenced-in field.

The DEA officer leaned toward the rancher and said assertively, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." The officer reached into his rear pants pocket and removed a badge, proudly displaying to the rancher. "See this badge? It allows me to go wherever I feel that I need to go in the pursuit of my duty. Do I make myself clear?

The old rancher nodded and returned to the fence he was fixing.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running and being chased by the rancher's prized bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer. It appeared that the officer might be "horned" before he could reach the safety of the gate. The rancher threw down the tools that he was holding and cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled . . .

"Your badge!" the old rancher yelled, "show him your badge!"

[RodLu]

[RodLu]

[RodLu]

WHEN GRANDMA GOES TO COURT.....









Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.




In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”


The defense attorney nearly died.




The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said:


“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”

[*mud*]

THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

MY DEAR HUSBAND, I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it,
and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle,
had cooked your favourite meal
and even wore a brand new nightie.

You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.

Whatever the case, I'm gone.

Regards, Your EX-Wife.

PS. Don't try to find me.
Your BROTHER and I are moving to away together!
Have a great life!


DEAR EX-WIFE, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you and I have been married for 20 years,
although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and bitching.
Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week,
but the 1st thing that came to mind was "You look just like a guy!"
Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice,
I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal,
you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER
because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.

About the new nightie:
I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it,
and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.
So when I won the 20 million dollar Lotto, on Saturday,
I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica,
but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this,
but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.