I caught an old episode of the "Waltons" last night and it brought me back to my childhood. (Back to "simplier" times!)...My Dad used to call my younger son "John Boy" when he was small. My son loved it! (And remembered it all his life.)...You'd never catch my older son watching old reruns of the "Waltons" or "Little House on the Prairie." But my younger son loved watching these shows because they gave him a "window" into the past. And they were about families...My older son took pride in being a "modern" and "with the times" kind of guy! I'm sure he viewed the rest of us as "old grey mares" because we enjoyed telling "tales" from the past. And taking trips down "memory lane."...My younger son "ate" it all "up" and kept begging for "more" when we started sharing stories from the past. He said this gave him a chance to get to know us even "better." And he loved hearing about life back in the "old days."...Both of my sons are gone now along with my husband and parents and everyone else. I am the only "apple" left on my "family tree." Watching the old episode of the "Waltons" last night helped me feel like I was part of a family again. (And this was sure nice!)
May flowers?.. Or May "blues?"
Posted 05-09-2013 at 03:02 PM by CArizona
This will be my first Mother's Day since both my sons passed away...I'm still technically a "mom" even though I don't have any children left or alive anymore...Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary if my husband was still alive...And both my sons' birthdays are in May too...I don't want to get too caught-up in the "blues" just because May is full of so many special dates and memories...Can't let myself "drown" in self-pity...I bought a chocolate cake today in honor of my anniversary and Mother's Day. I just had a slice of it with fresh strawberries on the side. YUM!...I'm going to spoil myself as much as possible and cry when needed too...What else can I do?
Total Comments 248
Comments
-
Between now and Mother's Day I'm trying to create some type of "holiday feel." (Even though I'll be alone most of the time.)...This morning I literally forced myself to get a "sausage muffin" at "Mc Donald's." (Just to do something spontaneous and out of the norm.)...My younger son used to "bribe us" to eat at "Mc Donald's" once in awhile and we always ended-up having fun with him...Every place around here is full of memories. And they all come "flooding-back."...But I can't live like a "shut-in" or "little old lady" forever and ever...Time to get my feet "wet" and venture back out into the world on my own. (Bit by bit.)...Tomorrow is "day two" of my four-day "holiday spree." I'm going to "make myself" get out again and try to have fun...I've been "stuck" in a "rut" for far too long!Posted 05-09-2013 at 07:01 PM by CArizona
-
I'm glad my Mom didn't expect elaborate gifts on Mother's Day...She didn't want me to "shop" 'til I "dropped" or a spend a fortune on presents for her...I've always been the same way. Simple little things make me happy. And I place more importance on visits and phone calls and someone's "company" and love than I do on gifts...I've been around people who are fantastic and generous "gift-givers." They "pop-in" every so often with gifts but they are "missing" the rest of the time...And sometimes gifts come with "strings." I feel obligated to say "thank you" to certain people forevermore and even "indebted" to them. (When I never asked them for anything. Or expected any gifts.)...But this doesn't mean that I'm not grateful...I just don't want to be put in a "one-down position." (Due to money or gifts or social "status" etc.).. How do you feel about it?Posted 05-10-2013 at 07:40 AM by CArizona
-
What did the month of May mean to you when you were growing-up? Did your school let-out for the Summer in May?.. Did May seem like Spring in "full-bloom" to you?...I didn't have any "special dates" in May when I was younger. But May was close to June when my schools let-out for the Summer. And Summer meant "freedom!"...When I decided to have kids of my own I made a vow (to myself) to keep memories of my own childhood "alive." I didn't want to be a "fuddy-duddy parent" who forgot what it felt like to be a "kid."...I enjoyed listening to my parents' "tales" and stories about their "younger days." They made themselves "seem human" (to me) by talking about lessons they learned the "hard way." And "poking fun" at themselves!...This year I want to find reasons (and ways) to celebrate the month of May. (Versus sitting around and feeling sorry for myself because my loved ones are "gone.")...No one is ever completely "gone" as long as we have memories of the time we spent with them!Posted 05-10-2013 at 08:35 AM by CArizona
-
I think I'll visit my local friend and her husband on Mother's Day and just "hang-out" with them...My friend isn't expecting to see her kids but hopefully some will call her...Maybe my sons will let me know they're still around by blinking a light or tickling the bottom of my foot...Anyway it's good to have a place to go on Mother's Day where I feel "welcomed" and "wanted."...My friends don't usually eat dinner until 8 or 9 o'clock at night. We're on different schedules. I like to eat early...So I'll probably fix myself something to eat before I go over. No biggie!...I feel proud that my friend and I have learned to adapt (or accept) each others' cultures. (And ways.)...Basically we're "unlikely" or "accidental friends.".. But we just take things "in stride" and don't try to impose our ways (or "will") on each other...My friend and her husband are both "easy going" and "laid-back." There's no "drama." (And this is nice!)Posted 05-10-2013 at 11:59 AM by CArizona
-
Whoopie! My big "outing" for the day was going to the local dollar store. But I tried to make it "special" and fun for myself...I live in the desert and our temps took a sudden jump "up" today... Need to adjust and adapt to extreme heat again. (Always do over time.)...We'll hit 108 and 110 degrees over the next few days. (And maybe even higher.).. Night temps will be in the high 70's...This is "nothing" compared to Summer. (Oh well!)...I didn't have anything "pressing" today so I can afford to stay "in" and adjust to the heat on a gradual basis...Tomorrow I'm going to get-up at the "crack of dawn" and get out early. (Before the heat sets-in.) It will be "party hardy" in the morning!Posted 05-10-2013 at 02:54 PM by CArizona
-
We're on the "countdown" to "Mother's Day!"...The clock is "ticking away!"...Some people are probably rushing-around buying last-minute gifts or food or other items to put the "finishing touches" on the day...I imagine the stores will be packed. (My Mom used to say: "I imagine!")...Anyway it's early morning and I need to get in "gear" and "get out" for awhile before the extreme heat sets-in...I promised myself that I would "do something!" But what?...How can I "party hardy" at 6 or 7 am in the morning? "Good question!" (As my husband used to say!)...Time to put my "thinking cap" on and figure it out!Posted 05-11-2013 at 07:47 AM by CArizona
-
I was on a "mission" this morning..Gathered-up all of my cans and plastic bottles and headed down to the recycling place to generate some "spare change." (And a few extra bucks to "play" at our local Indian casino.)...This was going to be my "party hardy!"...Anyway when I got to the recycling place I was shocked and surprised at the super-long line!...Guess everyone was trying to generate some "spare change." (For Mother's Day?)...I got "more" than I expected and drove-off happy and pleased! Headed to the Indian casino...As soon as I walked-in one of the security guards came over and said "hi" to me...He asked why I was alone. And said: "Where's your buddies?"...I had to tell him that both my husband and son had passed-away. He was shocked and sad for me...I don't get out much anymore...My "spare change" did me "proud" and lasted for a long time. Had quite a few "hits!".. Sat at my last slot machine for a long time.. Basically I "broke-even" and this was fine with me...It was good to get out and do something different for a change.Posted 05-11-2013 at 06:25 PM by CArizona
-
Happy Mother's Day to every "mom!" (Including myself!)...To be honest I was never one to "beef-up" Mother's Day...I usually took the day in "stride." (Meaning: I didn't have a ton of expectations.).. And I didn't want to burden my sons with a lot of debt, duty and obligations. (Or "shoulds!")...But it is nice to have a little "something." (Even if it's just a card or phone call or candy bar. Don't you think?)...My sons can't send me cards or call me on the phone or come to visit me on Mother's Day anymore. (Since they both passed "on.")....But I'm sure they are "looking down" on me today. (If they can.)...Oops! I don't mean "looking down" in the literal sense! (As in "put-downs!")...We've been taught that people go to a "higher place" when they die. So I tend to think of my sons as "up there." (Someplace.).. And I hope they are both happy and at "peace."Posted 05-12-2013 at 08:46 AM by CArizona
-
It's nice to have something to look forward to...Some type of "reward" or "special something" waiting in the "wings" to "enjoy."... Don't you think?...It doesn't have to cost money or be a "great big deal." (At least not to me.) Just something out of the "ordinary."...When I forget to plan some type of "reward" (or "pleasures") for myself I can turn into a "grump." (Or big-time "suffering martyr.")..Or slip into self-pity or depression etc...It's no fun to settle for a life of ruts and routines with few "pleasures."...I don't want to "dry-up" and become an "old prune!" Or perpetual "grump!" So I try to keep some "irons in the fire" when it comes to "rewards." And keep searching for new ways to "spoil myself!"Posted 05-13-2013 at 02:14 PM by CArizona
-
I know I'm going to have to deal with my grief for quite awhile longer...It may be a long process. (Especially since I lost everyone...My husband and both my "kids.")...But little by little I am starting to see some "new buds" inside of me...I feel a little more "alive" everyday...And I am developing a sense of "me" again...For awhile I felt totally devasted. (As if I went through a hurricane or tornado or earthquake that "wiped-out" everyone and everything in my "world.")...I felt like "Humpty Dumpty" and didn't know how to put my "pieces" back together again...I'm still not fully "together" or recovered...But hey! A "little bit" is better than "nothing at all!" Right?...Good to see some "progress!" Good to see "more life" in me again!.. May has been a good month (for me) so far!! Hope it's a good month for you too!!Posted 05-13-2013 at 07:48 PM by CArizona
-
My cats woke me up at 4 am this morning. (Ready to "start the day!")...Cats can be like young kids and full of "wonder" and "delight" at times.. My cat turned 16 last month. And my son's cat is probably 13 years old or so...Good that they still have so much "life" and excitement left inside of them! (Versus laying around all the time and acting like "old grumps!")...I was the "grump" this morning because I didn't want to get up so early!Posted 05-14-2013 at 08:29 AM by CArizona
-
My childhood best friend called me last night. What a "treat!"...We have such a long history together from "way back when."...Her son passed-away recently too. And her husband has been ill for quite awhile and may not have long to live. (Sad.)...My friend doesn't want to turn "hard" or bitter either. She doesn't want to "wallow" in self-pity and "ruin" her final days with her husband...Or "ruin" her relationship with her daughter and grandkids or other loved ones...We had a long talk about what it takes to "stay afloat." (Versus "drowning" in self-pity.)Posted 05-15-2013 at 07:35 AM by CArizona
-
It's the middle of the month plus one day!..What will the rest of May be like? I hope to keep doing "good!"... My definition of "doing good" is dealing with obstacles and "set-backs" without "freaking-out." (Or pulling my hair out!)...Sort of "rolling" with the "punches!" And always winding-up back on my "feet" no matter what life "dishes-out" to me!...I never want to lose my ability to smile and laugh and "play" and be happy!...I wouldn't like myself very much if I turned into a "perpetual grump!" And no one else would like me either!Posted 05-15-2013 at 04:12 PM by CArizona
-
My friend's Mother passed-away on Mother's Day. She was in her 80's and her death was expected...But it's never easy to lose one of our parents...My friend feels obligated to keep-up a "brave front" and "play soldier." He's an "old-school" type of man. (Like my Dad could be.) And tears and emotion are just not part of his "make-up."...He was in Viet Nam during the height of the war. When he came out of the military he became a police officer...He "survived" 3 strokes and all kinds of "mishaps" in his life including 2 divorces...So he really is a "tough cookie." He's not going to "crumble." (Over anything.)...But it's good that he can admit to having "some feelings" once in awhile. He knows that I lost my husband and sons within a short span of time. And I'm not going to "put" him "down" if he wants to talk about losing his Mother. (Or not.)...We're going to have lunch and spend a little time together on Saturday.Posted 05-16-2013 at 07:31 AM by CArizona
-
The days in May are "rolling-by." (Pretty darn fast!)...I'm trying to keep myself "open" to being "pleasantly surprised." (And having positive experiences.)...I keep reminding myself to throw my "expectations" and "assumptions" out the window! (Especially any "negative assumptions!")...I don't know everything. I'm not God. Or "dictator of the universe," etc..So I don't really know "for sure" how anything will "turn-out.".. I don't think I'm "immune" to having "troubling situations" in my life. (Because I've sure had plenty of them!)...But when the "dust settles" I try to see what I can learn from "set-backs" and "detours" and "losses."...I figure there is a "silver lining" (of some sort) hiding in all the "dark clouds."...And this gives me hope and keeps me "going!" (Through sunshine or "bad storms!")Posted 05-17-2013 at 09:26 AM by CArizona
-
What's more important "quantity" or "quality?" I ask myself this question at times when I have to make decisions...I think it's probably human nature to want to have "more." (Versus just settling for a "little.") What do you think?...Sometimes I've gotten "burned" when I tried to have "more for less."...Or I "discounted" something just because it seemed on the "small-side."...Every so often I've had "more" than I could really "handle" (at the time) and it created stress and "duress" in my life. Things got better when I decided to do some "pruning." (And "downsizing.")...So these days I try to avoid "saying yes" to everything and getting "carried away."...And I definitely don't want to get into the "hoarding mode." But I don't want to "go without" and deny myself "necessary things" either...It can all be a bit confusing. Don't you think?...It takes time to recognize "quality." ("True quality.") And it takes a few "hard-knocks" to let go of the notion that everything that "glitters" is "gold." Don't you think?Posted 05-17-2013 at 01:19 PM by CArizona
-
I'm going to have lunch with a longtime family friend today. (The friend who just "lost" his Mother.)...I haven't seen my friend for quite awhile but we talk on the phone. (Every so often.)...The "main reason" I've put-off seeing my friend is because he told me that he'd like to start dating me. (If I ever feel ready to go on dates.)...I told him that I'm still not over "losing" my husband yet...But I thanked him for his "interest!" And honesty...It's been hard to go back to seeing him as a "friend" because I don't want to "lead him on."...I am a little nervous about meeting him for lunch today but I want to be open-minded. And "fair."...He was a "good friend" to me and my son after my husband died...He "kept tabs" on me when my son developed brain tumors...So I don't want to "throw" him "away." He's been a "great friend" through the years. And I've tried to be a "good friend" to him too!...We're as "different" as "day and night" but somehow we were able to create a "bond." (And really trust each other!)...I hope we can "stay friends" and there won't be any pressure for "more."Posted 05-18-2013 at 10:02 AM by CArizona
-
Just got back from lunch with my friend and had a good time...He hasn't mentioned "dating" since our talk. (When I told him that I just wasn't over "losing" my husband yet.)...Maybe we'll be able to continue being "good friends" with no pressure for "more." I sure hope so...We'd be a "horrible match" anyway. (As boyfriend/girlfriend or spouses.)...He's more of an "old-school" kind of man. Sometimes he even reminds me of my Dad. He has "dad ways." ("Father knows best" kind of ways!)...But thank goodness he tosses his "dad role" aside once in awhile and "cuts loose" and has fun like a "kid!"...His birthday is at the end of the month and we'll get together for lunch again. Hope he brings more of his "kid self" (and fun-loving self) with him and leaves his "dad self" at home...He was "happy-go-lucky" today and it was nice.Posted 05-18-2013 at 03:47 PM by CArizona
-
Today would have been my oldest son's birthday. (If he were still alive.) Sure miss him!....My younger son's birthday is coming-up next week. Sure miss him too!...I let myself cry and cry a little while ago. To be honest I felt like I was crying "an ocean.".. I even had the taste of salt water in my mouth and nose. This has never happened before...Guess I still have an "ocean of tears" left inside of me (to cry) since I "lost" both my sons. And my husband too...I wish I could bring everyone "back!" But I can't...Letting myself "cry an ocean" today felt good. (Even though it was painful and gut-wrenching too.)...I'm glad that I'm able to cry. (When need be.)...And I'm glad that I'm still able to smile and laugh and "play" at times too. (Despite all my "losses" and "heartache.")Posted 05-18-2013 at 07:43 PM by CArizona
-
One friend usually calls me every 2 weeks (or so) on Sunday afternoon...She is actually the sister of my longtime friend. Last year she "got involved" and started calling to "check" on me when my son was "battling" brain tumors and in and out of hospitals...At first we didn't always seem to have much in common...But we both "hung-in" and kept-up the calls. And now we know each other better and talk about (almost) "everything under the sun."...This is my friend's oldest sister and the "matriarch" of their family. Over the years my friend told me some "horror tales" about this sister. (How "bossy" she could be..How she "meddled" in everyone's "business" etc.)...I noticed this tendency at first. But now we seem to be on "equal-footing" and I enjoy our conversations... She lets her "guard" or "hair down" with me and we always end-up laughing about something... I'm glad she doesn't feel obligated to play "big sister" or "top dog" with me anymore. Now I really look forward to her calls... Of course I'm not one of her "baby sisters" or a member of her family. (Like my friend is!)... I know it's not easy to change or "alter" longstanding relationships between siblings in a family.Posted 05-19-2013 at 10:51 AM by CArizona
