I caught an old episode of the "Waltons" last night and it brought me back to my childhood. (Back to "simplier" times!)...My Dad used to call my younger son "John Boy" when he was small. My son loved it! (And remembered it all his life.)...You'd never catch my older son watching old reruns of the "Waltons" or "Little House on the Prairie." But my younger son loved watching these shows because they gave him a "window" into the past. And they were about families...My older son took pride in being a "modern" and "with the times" kind of guy! I'm sure he viewed the rest of us as "old grey mares" because we enjoyed telling "tales" from the past. And taking trips down "memory lane."...My younger son "ate" it all "up" and kept begging for "more" when we started sharing stories from the past. He said this gave him a chance to get to know us even "better." And he loved hearing about life back in the "old days."...Both of my sons are gone now along with my husband and parents and everyone else. I am the only "apple" left on my "family tree." Watching the old episode of the "Waltons" last night helped me feel like I was part of a family again. (And this was sure nice!)
May flowers?.. Or May "blues?"
Posted 05-09-2013 at 03:02 PM by CArizona
This will be my first Mother's Day since both my sons passed away...I'm still technically a "mom" even though I don't have any children left or alive anymore...Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary if my husband was still alive...And both my sons' birthdays are in May too...I don't want to get too caught-up in the "blues" just because May is full of so many special dates and memories...Can't let myself "drown" in self-pity...I bought a chocolate cake today in honor of my anniversary and Mother's Day. I just had a slice of it with fresh strawberries on the side. YUM!...I'm going to spoil myself as much as possible and cry when needed too...What else can I do?
Total Comments 248
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My cat "Little T" passed-away yesterday...He was so brave and such a "fighter." I started calling him my "miracle boy" because he kept "bouncing back" time after time...I cried and cried and cried some more. But I tried to pull myself together for "Gracie." (She's the last cat I have left. And she was my son's cat.)...."Gracie" and I are like "orphans" and the ones who were left "behind." But we're both "tough old broads." And we'll be okay...Thank goodness "Gracie" likes to play and have fun. (Even though she is up in age. Same goes for me.)...So we'll find a way to stay in "balance" despite all of our major "losses."Posted 08-20-2013 at 07:04 AM by CArizona
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Still miss my cat "Little T."...But I'm glad he didn't stick around and suffer and suffer before he died...When "Little T" was born he looked just like another cat we loved (and lost) named "Sasha.".. In order to cope with "Sasha's" death my husband and I used to call him a "turkey" for leaving us (In a playful way.)...It was my husband's idea to name our new cat "Little Turkey" since he looked so much like "Sasha." But later we shortened his name to "Little T."..As the years passed we realized that "Little T" had his own unique personality. He wasn't a total clone of "Sasha."...Anyway there's no way to replace "Little T." And I know it's going to take me awhile to adjust to living without him. He made each day "special." He was sure cute!Posted 08-21-2013 at 08:56 AM by CArizona
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I've gone through so many different moods (and feelings) since my cat died..."Little T" became the "man of the house" after everyone died. That sounds sexist but he did step into a "guardian" or "watch dog" role at times...He didn't miss anything. He was always on "alert!"..Now it's just me and "Gracie." (My son's "last" cat.).. We're trying to "regroup" and go on the best we can. Taking things day-by-day..."Gracie" still looks over at "Little T's" corner and favorite bed and resting spot. It may take awhile for her to "get it" that he's gone and won't be back...Both of us have been through so many deaths and losses. I wonder if "Gracie" has fears that I'll "disappear" too. She's been following me around a lot more and keeps her eyes on me...I'm giving her extra attention. And I try to comfort her and talk to her...It's a rough time for both of us.Posted 08-23-2013 at 06:46 PM by CArizona
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Had a bad storm this morning. And my area may have storms off and on for the next few days. (Along with flash-flooding at times.)...Phew! I'm not used to dealing with storms day after day. It's a challenge...My cat "Gracie" really got spooked by all the thunder and lightning this morning...I can't keep calling "Gracie" my son's cat anymore. She's my cat now and I'm her "human." Everyone else is "gone." (Except for the two of us.)...Anyway "Gracie" is finally resting now. The sun came out and we have an "interlude" between storms. But not for long.Posted 08-24-2013 at 03:15 PM by CArizona
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I talked to a longtime friend on the phone last night. She lost her husband about 6 months ago...My friend was sorry to hear that my cat died. She's always been a big "animal lover."...I don't always pick-up the phone and call friends. But I did call this friend a few days ago. (Shortly after my cat died.) She had a houseful of company this week. (Including her "big sis" who calls to check on me every so often.)...My friend asked if she could call me back on Saturday. (When everyone left.)...Talking to my friend helped. We started off talking about my cat and moved on to "everything under the sun." (Like we always do.)...I'm good at "going it alone." But sometimes I need to " touch base" with trusted friends. (So I don't become all "bottled-up" and "emotionally constipated.")Posted 08-25-2013 at 07:21 AM by CArizona
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Sometimes I wonder what will happen "next."...Years ago life seemed more predictable and "set." But now ???...Who knows? Will I be around for a long time? Will my (last) cat "Gracie" live a long life?...What does the future hold in store for me and "Gracie?"...My older son "B" used to say that "quality" was far more important than "quantity" when it came to our lives here on earth...He never wanted to settle for a boring and bland life. Or a life full of ruts and routines...I definitely feel like a "pot-bound plant" right now. At some point I'm going to have to "bust-out" and "break-free" and move on to new "adventures" in the (yet) "unknown."...Right now I'm still charging up my "battery." And trying to figure-out what I want to do and where I want to go "next."Posted 08-25-2013 at 08:19 AM by CArizona
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I'm still alive...Will come back and write more soon!Posted 09-07-2013 at 07:31 PM by CArizona
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I've definitely been on "overload" lately...Dealing with a lot of "stuff" all at the same time...Sometimes I feel like I've blown a "gasket!"...Need to slow-down and ease-up and regroup for awhile...I can't take on the "world" right now...Been helping a sick friend for about a month now. But it's just getting to be too much for me. Need a break and breather so I can get back in shape myself.Posted 09-09-2013 at 06:52 PM by CArizona
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I've had a few problems and "issues" to work-through recently...Some problems are easy to resolve. But other problems seem a little more complex and take more "work" or "brain power." (To figure-out and resolve.) Have you noticed this?...And what seems easy or "matter of fact" to "outsiders" may not seem (or feel) quite as easy to the person who is struggling with the problem..."Take this pill and you'll feel fine in the morning" doesn't always work when someone is dealing with a multi-facted problem. (With feelings and factors to consider on both sides of the "fence.")...It can take time to "weigh" everything and uncover all the "pieces" to the "puzzle."...And sometimes there just isn't a "perfect solution." But it sure feels good to "decide something" and be able to move-on. Don't you think?Posted 09-15-2013 at 08:02 AM by CArizona
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Oops! I spelled "faceted" wrong in my last post! (As in "multi-faceted!")...Oh well! I make mistakes! I'm human!...Trying to be "perfect" or pretending to be "perfect" always seems to get me in "trouble!" And it definitely leads to stress. Don't you think??Posted 09-15-2013 at 08:46 AM by CArizona
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It's been hard for my son's cat "Gracie" since my cat "Little T" died..."Gracie" is a "lonely only" (cat) for the first time in her life. And she's been going through grief too...We've been spending time trying to get to know each other (even) better. "Gracie" is "talking" more now. In the past she hardly ever "meowed." Maybe there were just too many other cats around and she didn't think anyone would hear her or ?...But now she "talks" all the time and expresses herself. And I'm trying to understand what she's "saying." Or what she "feels" or "wants," etc.Posted 09-15-2013 at 03:12 PM by CArizona
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This is "play around with cabbage" week for me...Last week I focused on broccoli...I love to throw "stuff" together and come-up with new recipes. It keeps me "sane" and helps me feel creative!...My husband enjoyed inventing new recipes too. We had cooking "in-common!"...Now it's just me but I still love to "play around" in the kitchen and "cook-up a storm!"Posted 09-17-2013 at 04:12 PM by CArizona
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It will be a year since my son's cat "Kitty" died tomorrow..."Kitty" died (unexpectedly) two weeks after my son died. I'm sure she wanted to join my son and be with him again...He'd been in hospitals and an acute care facility for quite awhile. And wasn't able to come back home to visit his cats...Once in awhile he talked to his cats (and my cats) on the phone...Anyway it was sad when "Kitty" died. And totally unexpected...I still miss her and think about her. (Along with all of the other cats who died over the past couple of years.)...I lost two of my own cats this year. ("Silky" and "Little T.".. They were brothers.)...Now I just have my son's cat "Gracie" left and we try to help each other "stay sane" and keep "going."Posted 09-18-2013 at 06:36 PM by CArizona
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Years ago I wrote an article about "leftovers." It wasn't about food!...I was referring to feelings and events from the past that get "stored-away" deep in our subconscious mind...i know I probably have a lot of compartments and containers of "leftovers" inside of me. And lots of "mold" and "mildew" too! YUK!..."Lysol" doesn't work when it comes to emotional issues or trauma!...Little by little I'm trying to open-up all my compartments. Yesterday I wrote a post about the last time I saw my older son. (Before he died.)...We had fun together on his last visit. There was no hint or sign that he might die soon. But talking (and thinking) about our last moments together still made me cry...Keeping everything "locked-up" and "stuffed-away" won't lead to "healing."...Time to open-up my containers of "leftovers" one by one! And "peek" inside. (Even though I may have to feel some "pain" and sadness.)Posted 09-19-2013 at 09:17 AM by CArizona
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I felt secure when my husband and sons (and other family members) were alive...We (all) knew each other really well. And we knew what to "expect" when we were together...Today it's a completely different "story."..When I'm with some of my newer friends I'm not always sure what to "expect." (Or what they might "want" or "expect" from me.)...Thank goodness I have a few longtime friends who "know" and understand me pretty well. (And vica-versa!)...But these friends live far away now. They aren't part of my "everyday world" per se...I tend to spend a lot of time by myself. (And do "okay!") But sometimes I get lonely too.Posted 09-19-2013 at 12:34 PM by CArizona
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I have regrets...I wish I would have paid closer attention when my family members (or friends) tried to "share" their interests and knowledge with me. (All through the years.)...My Dad tried to teach me how to repair cars when I was growing-up...But I didn't "store" the information. Or take what he was trying to teach me "seriously enough."...My younger son was a "brain" when it came to designing web-sites or doing "behind the scenes" work on the computer...But I didn't always pay "close enough" attention to what he said or what he was "doing," etc...Guess I thought he would live forever and always be around to "help out." (Same goes for my Dad and others too.)...Looking back, I view myself as arrogant (or even ignorant) for letting myself "off the hook."...Oh well! Sometimes we have to learn lessons the "hard way." Right?.. What seems boring (or "useless") to me today might be something I'll (desperately) "need to know" in the future...Being well-rounded can definitely "pay-off!".. Don't you think?Posted 09-20-2013 at 11:29 AM by CArizona
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I'm "free" again...I don't have any obligations right now... Nobody expects to hear from me everyday. Or "see me" on a regular basis...I worked-through some "pressing problems" and feel more peaceful now...I have time to write again! And just "be me!".. It's nice!!Posted 09-20-2013 at 02:37 PM by CArizona
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My friend's "big sis" called me yesterday but I was eating and didn't get to the phone in time...She left a message but I just didn't feel like calling her back last night...We don't always have a lot in common. And she seemed upset and "mad at the world" the last time she called me...She can be "sugary sweet" or she can be "tart" and full of "acid!" (There's no telling!)...I'm sure that "big sis" kept going down the "line" last night and found plenty of other people to call...She makes the "rounds." I'm on her list of people to call every 3 weeks or so. She does her "duty" and tries to call everyone she knows on a "scheduled basis."...She didn't sound particularly happy when she left a message for me because I "upset" her "schedule" and "routine." Oh well!!...I'm "too nice" and guilt will "eat me alive" if I don't call her back within a few days...When I call her back (this time) I'm going to ask her if she thinks we have a lot in common...The truth is that we don't always have a lot in common. We can be as different as day and night!.. And I'm not one of her sisters or a relative or family member...She doesn't "owe me" a call. And I don't "owe her" anything either...I've been friends with her sister for decades. But this is because we have more in common.Posted 09-23-2013 at 07:53 AM by CArizona
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I called my friend's "big sister" back last night...Her daughter was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. So this is a stressful time for her...Both her and her daughter (and other members of her immediate family) have always been "health-conscious." No one expected to hear talk about cancer...I'm glad I called her back. And I'm glad she has a big "support network."...Maybe I'll call her again (myself) in about a week or so...I feel "bad" for having some negative thoughts about her when she called the other day...But she can be a bit "difficult" at times...Right now it's time to put my "other feelings" aside and "reach-out" to her a little more.Posted 09-24-2013 at 07:24 AM by CArizona
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I think I'm going to ride off into the "sunset" for awhile. And take some time for myself...I need to "spread my wings" a little more and step out of my (boring) ruts and routines...Time to follow the "yellow brick road" or ??..."Cut loose" and embark on some brand new adventures...Get out of my "comfort zone!" Stop playing it "safe!"...Time to be BOLD and DARING! (As my son used to say!)Posted 09-24-2013 at 08:27 PM by CArizona
