May flowers?.. Or May "blues?"

Posted 05-09-2013 at 03:02 PM by CArizona

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This will be my first Mother's Day since both my sons passed away...I'm still technically a "mom" even though I don't have any children left or alive anymore...Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary if my husband was still alive...And both my sons' birthdays are in May too...I don't want to get too caught-up in the "blues" just because May is full of so many special dates and memories...Can't let myself "drown" in self-pity...I bought a chocolate cake today in honor of my anniversary and Mother's Day. I just had a slice of it with fresh strawberries on the side. YUM!...I'm going to spoil myself as much as possible and cry when needed too...What else can I do?

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1. I'd go out to eat with my friend (more often) if he didn't insist on paying for every meal...He's "old-school" and he feels that he should (always) "pay" since he's a man. (And I'm a female.)...But I would rather take turns.. I don't want to feel "indebted" to him. Or take advantage of him...And he just refuses to let me "pay." (Ever!)...So I don't go out to eat with him very often. (Maybe 3 times a year now.)...It's a shame. But I just can't "take" and "take." It's not my nature.. It would be better if we could both take turns "paying." Then I'd feel more "comfortable."

   Posted 06-05-2013 at 10:49 AM by CArizona

2. 	Woke-up in the middle of the night...This is the only time that it's "cool" in the desert now...It will be 116 degrees today. (And "hot-hot" for the week ahead.)..Right now it gets down to 81 to 85 degrees (or so) late at night. But this won't last for long....I can't seem to go back to sleep. Oh well! Guess I'll just enjoy the temporary "cool."
   	Posted 06-06-2013 at 06:07 AM by CArizona

3. My cat ("Little T") just hasn't been the same since his brother died in January...He grew-up in a "big family." (With his Mom and 2 brothers and a sister.).. And now he's the only one "left" from his family. He turned 16 this past April..."Little T" used to be a carefree and "happy-go-lucky" cat but lately he's been moody and depressed since he lost his brother...I "inherited" 2 of my son's cats when my son got sick... One cat died unexpectedly right after my son passed-away last September...The other cat ("Gracie") seems to be doing okay despite all of her "losses." But she never liked any of my cats and still hisses and growls at "Little T" at times. (Sad!)...I gave "Gracie" an area of her own. (To keep the cats separated.)..."Gracie" is loving and playful with me. But she just won't "warm-up" to "Little T." (And he's a friendly cat.)...I could really use a full day and night (or longer) away from the cats...I love them both! But I just need a little "break" from "playing mom" 24/7. (Round the clock!)

   Posted 06-06-2013 at 08:19 AM by CArizona

4. 	It's going to be 117 to 120 degrees in my area today. But I still need to get out...Otherwise I'll get "bottled-up" and go "stir-crazy" or ??...So I'm going to push, push, push myself to go "out" and "stay out" for awhile.
   	Posted 06-07-2013 at 07:53 AM by CArizona

5. Went out for a bit this morning... Going out again this afternoon with a friend...Trying to have a little fuller life despite the heat. And despite my "grief."...Need to be part of the "human race" once in awhile... I'm never going to be a "social butterfly" because it's just not my nature. But I need a little "more" at times. (I guess!)...Sometimes I just "don't know!" And I go around saying: "I don't know." Or: "I'm not sure." (For awhile.) And it's true!....In the "old days" I used to feel more "certain" and "sure!" But now I go through "muddled" periods (at times) when I have to make decisions or figure out what I (really) "want" or "need!"...Everything isn't always "crystal clear." Usually I just go with my strongest feelings (or urges.) And take a risk! Hoping that I made the "right decision!"...But things don't always turn-out "peachy-keen." Oh well! I try to learn "something" from all of my experiences in life.

   Posted 06-07-2013 at 09:26 AM by CArizona

6. I'm going to do some "family counseling sessions" with my cats over the next few days...We "lost" a lot of humans and cats over the past few years. And it's affected all of us. We're all dealing with "grief."...I'm the only one "here" now and I'm "outnumbered." (Since I have 2 cats...2 "mismatched cats" who don't have a "bond" with each other.)...We need to turn-over a new "leaf." (Somehow and some way!)....My son's cat "Gracie" wants to "play" 24/7...If she wakes up in the middle of the night she's ready and eager to "play." (With me!)...I'm glad she still has "play" left inside of her even though she's an older cat. She's cute! But I don't want to "play" in the middle of the night or "round the clock!"...My cat "Little T" has become "whiny" and "needy" and dependent since his brother died...I'm a caring person but I don't like "whiny" cats or people. (Or "mope-arounds!")...It's not "my fault" that everyone died!...Anyway I've been trying to do some "family counseling." (With the cats.) But I haven't had very much "luck" so far.. Time to try some new "tactics" and "techniques!"

   Posted 06-08-2013 at 10:41 AM by CArizona

7. Cats can't put their feelings into "words." (Like people can.)...But I still have to find a way to help my cat ("Little T") come to "terms" with his feelings. (And "grief.")...Right now he's in an "unhappy state." (Most of the time.)...He's sad and depressed and angry and feels sorry for himself.. He has a lot of "fault" and "blame" and anger inside of him. (That gets "projected outward.")...It's as if he made a "vow" to "stay miserable." Maybe he's trying to "punish" his brother (and everyone else) for dying and leaving him "behind."...I can relate to these feelings. (For sure!)...But I know that I'll just be "punishing myself." Or "ruining" my own life if I stay "down" and "mad" all the time...There are only 3 of us "left" now. And this is sad!...But don't we "count" and "matter" too? Don't we deserve a "halfway decent life" even though our family is "small" now?...I think so! I hope I can find a way to help "Little T" work through his "grief" and anger and self-pity...He used to be a "happy-go-lucky" and carefree cat. But now he plays "sad sack" and "suffering martyr" most of the time.

   Posted 06-08-2013 at 11:22 AM by CArizona

8. It's been years (and decades) since I had to deal with an "unhappy cat." (Until now.)...Way back when I had a cat named "Peaches" who turned into an "unhappy camper."....She didn't like anyone. (Not even me!)...Looking back I can see that she got caught-up in self-pity too... Back when "Peaches" was alive we were all busy. (Busy working or going to school, etc.)...We tried to give her attention when we could. But at some point she turned "hard" and "bitter" and just stayed that way.. Everyone was nervous about picking her up or trying to pet her. (Because she became such an unhappy and "mad cat!").. Would she scratch and "claw" or whine and "growl" at us? Poke our eyes out?...She let me pick her up early in the morning. (When I first woke-up and right before I fed her.) But this was the only time she was "nice!"..."Peaches" lived a long (and "miserable") life. She got sick when she was around 18 years old or so. And she finally "mellowed-out" and let me "nurse her." She put all her anger "aside" right before she died and we had some "memorable moments" together.. I'm glad she didn't "die mad!" Or "bitter!"

   Posted 06-08-2013 at 11:51 AM by CArizona

9. One of the problems with my cats is that I've "been home" too much...They view me as a "mama" who is always available to "do for them" and meet their "needs."...I don't view myself this way. I don't want to play the role of "24/7 mama." I may be home but this doesn't mean that the cats are the absolute "center of my universe." Talk about narcissism!...It wasn't always this way. When there were more cats and more people here the cats weren't so "needy!".. Maybe they felt more secure when we had a "bigger family."...Anyway I'm trying to make some "changes" now. I keep telling myself that things will probably "get worse" before I make any "headway."...I remember going through these type of situations with my sons a few times. (When they were small.)...Habits are hard to "break!" Cats and kids and people (in general) have a tendency to "resist change." Change can be hard for me too!...But I can't play "eternal mama" anymore! Time to "wean" the cats a little bit. And "free" myself!

   Posted 06-08-2013 at 06:34 PM by CArizona

10. 	Years ago I remember reading that cats need "new stimulation" on a regular basis. They always seem happy and curious when I move things around...Maybe I'll do some "late Spring cleaning" tomorrow. And play Dixieland Jazz...Maybe it will help to "liven" things "up" a bit. (Help all of us!)
    	Posted 06-08-2013 at 09:57 PM by CArizona

11. Enough about the cats. (For now!)...Need a life "outside" and "beyond" my cats!..."Pet-lovers" can "act" like parents or grandparents at times. Have you ever noticed this?..I went on a "group outing" a few weeks back and one woman brought her new puppy. I like dogs. And the lady's dog was cute and spunky!...But the dog had "free rein" and could do whatever he wanted. He got into everything and drove everyone "crazy." And his behavior was called "cute."...The woman really seemed to wrap her identity and her sense of "worth" and "value" around her "cute dog."...I didn't go to the next "group outing" but I heard that other people brought their dogs too...It must have felt like a "dog show!"..If I was "able" to bring my cats to "group events" I'd expect them to be on their absolute "best behavior." This is how I felt when I took my sons out in public. (When they were small.).. I didn't want them to run all over the place and "bother" other people...I have a "rebel" and "free spirit" side. (Or nature.) But I guess I can be "strict" when it comes to certain things. How about you?

    Posted 06-09-2013 at 08:48 AM by CArizona

12. What were Sundays like when you were growing-up? Did your family go to church? Go out to eat?.. Or get together for meals at someone's house?...I usually woke-up early on Sunday mornings so I could spend some time (alone) with my Dad...My Dad was "cute" in the morning. He was always happy to see me and he had the toaster sitting on the table. (Ready to make toast for me and my Mom.)...He didn't waste any time and made toast for me right away. And poured me some orange juice too...When Mom (finally) woke-up he made toast for her too...He took pride in being the "toaster king!" (And "master!")...A little later we had a "full breakfast" before we headed to church. (Bacon or ham or hamburger patties with eggs and home-fried and seasoned potatoes.)...Sometimes I sang in the choir at the church service...After church we'd come home and read all the Sunday papers... Sundays were relaxed and casual and "carefree!" Later in the day we ate "something special."...My parents worked together and invented a fantastic recipe for "Swiss Steak." (In the pressure-cooker.) It became their "specialty" and "trademark recipe!"...My Dad still made "Swiss Steak" for special events after my Mom passed-away...Things weren't always "perfect" or "peachy-keen" in our house. We had our share of "storms" and problems.. But the "good times" far outweighed the "bad times." And I'm glad!

    Posted 06-09-2013 at 09:20 AM by CArizona

13. I'm staying "in" today and "dreaming" about what I'll do this week...Need to "bust" out of my "shell" and get out more. And "spoil myself" for a change...It's easy to be "generous" with other people. But sometimes I can be "cheap" or "frugal" when it comes to myself...I've spent so many years serving as "caretaker" to my loved ones. (When they were sick.) And now I'm a "caretaker" for the cats...I probably need to take "better care" of myself. My "time" has finally "come!" (At least this is what I keep telling myself anyway!)

    Posted 06-09-2013 at 01:31 PM by CArizona

14. Yesterday was "phone day" for me...Talked to a couple of friends. Good to have communication with the "outside world" at times...Today I'm going to visit my local friend for a little while...Nothing much "going on" here. Not yet anyway...I need to get "all fired-up" about something. (In a "good" way!)... Need to get out of the "blahs!" (And ruts and routines.)...What's "earth-shaking?" I need to get all "jacked-up" with excitement and enthusiasm!..."Turn" myself "on!" "Flip" the "switch!" "Unleash" the "beast!" (Just teasing!)

    Posted 06-10-2013 at 08:06 AM by CArizona

15. I had to chance to be "more spontaneous" yesterday. (And this is something I've been needing!)...One of my neighbors asked me if I'd give him a ride to a couple of local places. (Since his car is in the "shop.")...He insisted on handing me some "gas money" and treated me to pizza...I have a couple of "single" male neighbors. (Two are widowers and one has been divorced for eons.)...I'm not interested in dating anyone right now. So it's probably "good" that no one "bugs me" all the time or has any "expectations" about me...I gave a ride to the "divorced neighbor" yesterday. He tends to be a "loner" most of the time. (Like me.) So we have this "in-common."...Well all the "single men" do "okay" by themselves. And I "do okay" too...My neighbor won't get his car back until Saturday. So I offered to drive him up to the "better" grocery store (in the city north of us) on Thursday.. We live in a small town and semi-rural area. The one and only grocery store in our town is great! But they don't always have the "best prices."...My neighbor offered to treat me (or both of us) to the breakfast buffet at the Indian casino. (Before we go shopping.) This was nice!

    Posted 06-11-2013 at 10:26 AM by CArizona

16. What would life be like if we didn't have any "challenges?" (Or "pressing problems?")...Since my husband (and sons) passed-away I've relied on the old cliche: "Necessity is the mother of invention."...Sometimes "puzzle pieces" don't seem to "fit together." (At all!).. And situations look (and seem) bleak and hopeless for awhile. (With no way out of the "maze" or confusion.)...I feel like "cursing" and "cussing" (or crying) and "throwing" in the "towel!"...I play-out "poor me!" Or: "Woe is me!" And feel "oh so sorry" for myself!...Then all of a sudden the "lion" wakes-up inside of me and starts to "growl!" The "lion" is not a "quitter!"...My "lion-self" is proud and stubborn and determined to "figure things out." (No matter what!.."Come hell or high water!")...And I "demand" and "command" myself to find solutions to my problems...Maybe I'll have to settle for a temporary "band-aid solution" right at first. But I know that I'll have to "do more" before too long. (Because everything rests on my shoulders today.)

    Posted 06-11-2013 at 01:15 PM by CArizona

17. I've been "out and about" all day...Been a "busy beaver!" Good to be home. Should be resting. But I decided to be "creative" in the kitchen and work on a couple of new recipes. (Even though it's 114 degrees outside.)...Bought a new brand of onion dip to go with all the Mexican food I'm cooking... Should have bought (and "stuck") with plain sour cream because the dip tastes "lousy!"..But I decided to try to "rescue it!" (If possible.) Threw a few spices into it and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese and fresh minced onion...I'm hoping for a "miracle" after all the new ingredients (in the dip) chill and "settle." (Hate to throw anything away.)...Time to get back to my "fiesta in the making" in the kitchen. (And my cooking!)

    Posted 06-12-2013 at 03:42 PM by CArizona

18. Finished cooking...Have a "mess" to clean-up! Oh well...The food tastes good. (Except for the dip.) But I'll give it a little longer to "taste better!" (Hopefully.)...Going out for breakfast with my neighbor in the morning. Then we'll shop for groceries at the store with "better" prices. (In the city north of us.) I wouldn't call it a "big city." (Not hardly!) But they have a little "more" than we do "down here."...Anyway I'm getting "out" a little more. My life is "expanding!" Bought some new clothes today and other "stuff!"...Treated myself to a bag of (my favorite) "Hershey Chocolate Nuggets!" Got the cats some of their "favorite treats" too! It's "party time!"

    Posted 06-12-2013 at 06:24 PM by CArizona

19. When I was growing-up we didn't keep candy in our house. But we always had lots of tasty fruit from local farms...My Dad bought "low-grade" ice cream. I think it's called "ice-milk." Most of the time he bought vanilla. (His favorite.) I learned to "like it!"...My Mom wasn't a "baker." Plus she was Diabetic and didn't want to keep "sweet-treats" in the house...Once in a great, great, great while my parents bought a dozen donuts or a box of chocolate-covered cherries. (But not often!)...I used to buy a "Snickers" candy bar once in awhile or "M & M's."...I didn't become a "chocolate fanatic" or "sweet-lover" until I married my first husband. He could "down" a box of chocolates or a "Sara Lee" cheesecake in a "flash." (All by himself!)...My "last" husband was a big-time candy and snack-lover too. He had a very slow metabolism and never put on weight. (Ever!)...Little by little I've cut back on "sweets" since everyone died. My "tastes" have changed over time...I'm more inclined to eat fruit or toast or oatmeal if I get hungry late at night. Or a peanut butter sandwich...But now I have a bag of "Hershey's Chocolate Nuggets" in the house and powdered donuts too...Yahoo!.. I just don't want to get "addicted" all over again! Maybe I'll bake some pumpkin bread for myself when the weather gets cooler. My husband was the "baker" in the family but he's "gone" now. Sad!

    Posted 06-12-2013 at 07:36 PM by CArizona

20. 	It's "up" and "out" this morning...Don't have time to write "much." But more later...
    	Posted 06-13-2013 at 07:15 AM by CArizona

CArizona

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