I caught an old episode of the "Waltons" last night and it brought me back to my childhood. (Back to "simplier" times!)...My Dad used to call my younger son "John Boy" when he was small. My son loved it! (And remembered it all his life.)...You'd never catch my older son watching old reruns of the "Waltons" or "Little House on the Prairie." But my younger son loved watching these shows because they gave him a "window" into the past. And they were about families...My older son took pride in being a "modern" and "with the times" kind of guy! I'm sure he viewed the rest of us as "old grey mares" because we enjoyed telling "tales" from the past. And taking trips down "memory lane."...My younger son "ate" it all "up" and kept begging for "more" when we started sharing stories from the past. He said this gave him a chance to get to know us even "better." And he loved hearing about life back in the "old days."...Both of my sons are gone now along with my husband and parents and everyone else. I am the only "apple" left on my "family tree." Watching the old episode of the "Waltons" last night helped me feel like I was part of a family again. (And this was sure nice!)
May flowers?.. Or May "blues?"
Posted 05-09-2013 at 03:02 PM by CArizona
This will be my first Mother's Day since both my sons passed away...I'm still technically a "mom" even though I don't have any children left or alive anymore...Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary if my husband was still alive...And both my sons' birthdays are in May too...I don't want to get too caught-up in the "blues" just because May is full of so many special dates and memories...Can't let myself "drown" in self-pity...I bought a chocolate cake today in honor of my anniversary and Mother's Day. I just had a slice of it with fresh strawberries on the side. YUM!...I'm going to spoil myself as much as possible and cry when needed too...What else can I do?
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These days, I don't have any local friends who share my exact culture...My "more like me" friends live far away. And we don't see each other very often. (But we do talk on the phone every few weeks or so.)...I feel "good" that I've made some "progress" with my "different culture" local friends. Little by little, we're getting to know and understand each other better...Sometimes, we still seem "way different" and "miles apart." But it's "okay" now because we trust each other. (Despite our differences.)...And we usually take the time to explain (and clarify) "where we're coming from" and "what we mean," etc...We're learning "new things" from each other and "expanding our horizons!" YEA! I'm glad!!Posted 11-09-2013 at 01:21 PM by CArizona
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I'm still alive!...Been a little "blue" and "down and out" lately. The start of the holiday season seems to be affecting me this year. Sure miss all of my loved ones!...I keep trying to "lift" myself back "up." (One way or another.) And I let myself cry when need be...It's been a "rocky road."..Funny, every time I use the term "rocky road" I think about ice cream. How about you?...I "pig-out" on ice cream (every so often) to feel like a kid again. (And "cheer-up!") Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't!..I splurged and bought a premium brand of "strawberries and cream" ice cream the other day. YUK! What a disappointment!.. It tastes like cough syrup! Or ?? (Not good!)...Maybe I should stick with "rocky road." Or my other "tried and true" favorites from now on.Posted 11-12-2013 at 03:44 PM by CArizona
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We're on the "countdown" to Thanksgiving...The stores are gearing-up for "Black Friday." (Hoping for "blockbuster sales!")...I've never gone shopping on "Black Friday." It's just not my "thing." I try to avoid crowds and "mobs" and mile-long lines...I don't want to be part of "stampedes!" YUK!.. I don't want to risk getting "run-over" or stepped-on or "crushed!"...Or pushed or shoved, etc...Count me "out" when it comes to "Black Friday!" I plan to stay "in" all day. (Safe and sound!).. How about you? Are you a "Black Friday" fan? Or not?Posted 11-14-2013 at 05:13 PM by CArizona
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I hardly ever "vent in anger!" (It's very rare for me to do this.)... It's hard to sit and listen to someone's "angry tirades." Don't you think?...I have days when I feel angry or upset. (Just like everyone else.) But I try to be a "problem-solver" (if possible) and not just a "ventor." ("Blowing-off steam" or "toxic pollution" into the air!)...And I usually don't stay angry for long. (Because I can't be happy if I walk around "mad" all the time!) Anger and happiness don't go "hand-in-hand.''...I cry when I feel sad or "bottled-up." And I work to "process" my anger. (In a "safe" and healthy way.) Then, I'm free to be happy. At least for awhile. (Until it's time to "release" more feelings.)...I don't want to become a miserable "old crank" who walks around angry all the time and "dumps" anger on others. YUK!Posted 11-17-2013 at 12:49 PM by CArizona
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Happy (almost) Thanksgiving to everyone! Hope you have a wonderful day!...Don't get "gobbled-up" by renegade turkeys! Or pigs on the prowl! (Run-away "ham!")...Don't get squashed or mashed along with the potatoes or pumpkin pie batter!!...Wow! My sense of humor isn't "dead" and buried after all! This is a good sign. YEA!!...Anyway, have fun on Thanksgiving and don't let the cranberries "sneak-up" on you! Watch your back!...Keep an "eye out" for gizzards too! And the "wish-bone!"Posted 11-23-2013 at 01:44 PM by CArizona
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I'm actually getting into the "spirit" of Thanksgiving and the holidays! Go figure!...I definitely fell into a "slump" after my cat died. And I wondered if I could make-it through the holidays this year without all of my loved ones...Everything looked "bleak" for awhile. But now, I'm starting to feel a little better and more "alive" again. YEA!...The "spirit" of Thanksgiving snuck-up and bit me in the "booty!" (I guess!)... Something "happened" to me and I'm glad! It doesn't feel good to walk around sad and depressed all the time.Posted 11-25-2013 at 08:37 PM by CArizona
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I can't be just like you! Or you! Or even you!...I have to be "me." And "true" to myself! We all need to be "true" to ourselves. Don't you think?...We're not suppose to be "clones" or "carbon-copies" of each other. YUK! This would be boring!!...I don't want to live my life as a "copy-cat" or replica of someone else! It's my job to "be me." And it's your job and your right to "be you!"Posted 12-02-2013 at 01:40 PM by CArizona
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This year, my insecurities are "popping-out" left and right! But I guess this is "good!"..."Good" to face my fears and phobias and insecurities "head-on." "Good" to be honest with myself..."Good" to come out of "hiding!" "Good" to have a chance to "fix" and "heal" myself!!...It doesn't feel "good" to keep 50-foot "walls" around me all the time...Afraid to let people "in!" Afraid to let people see the "real me." (The "me" that feels lost and confused and "messed-up" at times.)...Anyway, I'm dealing with all of my insecurities now. (One by one! Or two by two or whatever!)...And it's all "coming-out" in the "wash!" I'm not perfect but I'm not "all bad" either. I think there may be some "hope" for me after all. (Despite my flaws and "worts" and "misguided thinking" at times.)...I hope there is "hope!" Don't want to "give-up" on myself quite yet!Posted 12-03-2013 at 07:49 AM by CArizona
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"Berry Berry Christmas!"...Years ago I used to have a cute little cat named "Strawberry." My husband and I used to call her "Berry Berry" or "Berry Bunny!" She loved to "hop around" and do tricks on her climbing toys...We changed "merry" to "berry" when Christmas rolled around and wished everyone a "Berry Berry Christmas!" (In honor of our cute little cat!)...It was so sad when she died...We did our best to "save her" and prolong her life. But it was just her time to "go." (She was 11 years old when she died.)...Anyway, little "Berry Berry" still lives on in my heart and soul and memories. (Especially when Christmas rolls around!)..."Berry Berry Christmas" to you! And to me too!!Posted 12-04-2013 at 01:36 PM by CArizona
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Differences and misunderstandings are bound to pop-up in relationships at times. This is "par" for the "course."...Life would be a whole lot easier if we were "clones" and "carbon-copies" of each other. Then, we wouldn't run into any differences. (At all!)...But we aren't exactly "the same" and sometimes, it takes work and effort to understand the people in our lives. (On all "levels.")...A lot of marriages end-up in divorce court due to differences (and misunderstandings) that never got resolved...My husband and I had to "weather" a few "storms" when he was alive. But we didn't throw-in the towel or give-up on each other...We "hung-in" and worked to gain new insights and a "depth" of understanding about who we both "were." (As individuals in our own right.)...I try to understand the people in my life today. (Even though it involves some work and effort at times.) And I definitely appreciate friends who "work" to understand me too! (They deserve a medal!)Posted 12-12-2013 at 08:45 AM by CArizona
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Happy Saturday morning...Hope you're warm and "snuggly!" I'm trying to stay warm...It's been colder than normal here in the desert. And it's been windy day after day. (Which makes it feel even colder!)...Oh well! It's nice to have a "real winter" for a change...Before long, it will be hot again and "stay hot" for months and months and months! So I'm trying to enjoy the "cold" while it's here. (Enjoy the change of pace!)Posted 12-14-2013 at 08:47 AM by CArizona
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Happy "almost!"...It's ALMOST Christmas! And New Years!...What are your plans? I hope you have a wonderful time with your family and friends! And loads of fun!!...Last year at this time, I think I was still a little "numb" from all the deaths in my family. (Without realizing it.)...This year, I'm more "aware" or ?? (My feelings aren't so "shut-down.")...I've moved into the "face reality" stage when it comes to my grief and accepting where I'm "at" today.. I'm alone now. And I have to start all over again and rebuild my life from "scratch."...I have to create brand new memories based on my experiences today. (And in the future.)...I'll never forget my loved ones. But they have "flown the coop" and moved on to another "dimension." And I'm still here...I keep looking for ways to be "holly and jolly" anyway! (With the people who are still in my life today. Or by myself.)...I can sit and cry and play "woe is me." (Non-stop!) Or I can roll-up my sleeves and enjoy who I "have" and what I "have" in my life today!!Posted 12-23-2013 at 08:10 AM by CArizona
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Have you made any new year's resolutions?...Normally, I don't bother with resolutions. But I really need to get out of my ruts and routines and "comfort zone."...So I've decided to turn over a "new leaf." And I've set some goals for 2014...First of all, I want to visit people in "nursing homes" who don't have any family nearby...Or volunteer to "assist" hospice patients and their families...I'm going to try-on lots of "new hats" to see what "fits me" the best...And just get out "socially" a little more. (Versus hibernating in my "cave" all the time!)...My family members are "gone" now but I'm not dead and "gone." I'm still here...It's up to me to create a brand new life for myself. And I'm going to start the new year off by climbing out of my "comfort zone." It's time to try new things. (Despite my fears!)Posted 12-23-2013 at 10:14 AM by CArizona
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Happy New Year! I'm going to stay "in" tonight and say "goodbye" to 2013 all by myself. How about you?...Tomorrow, I'll spend some time with friends. It will be nice to get out for a little while and socialize...I've been like a bear lately. I love to hibernate in my "cave" as much as possible. Don't go out all the time...My "cave" is warm and cozy and comfortable! And I've enjoyed having a lot of "private time" lately...But I can't "hide-out" forever and it will be good to spend time with friends tomorrow. (To celebrate the start of 2014!)...I spent Christmas Eve and day with a friend this year and had fun. Felt good to get out of my "comfort zone" and "cave" for a little while...Happy New Year to you! I hope you have lots of fun tonight whether you stay home or go out and "party!"Posted 12-31-2013 at 07:55 AM by CArizona
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YEA! I made it through the holidays without my loved ones!...To be honest, I'm glad the holidays are over. I'm ready to go back to normal life again. (For awhile anyway!) How do you feel about it?...I didn't feel like putting a Christmas tree up but I did drape some tinsel around the top of my windows. Think I'll leave the tinsel up for a little while longer. Why not?...Happy "day after" and happy "start" of a brand new year! May all of your "wishes" and dreams and goals "come true!" (In 2014 and beyond!)Posted 01-02-2014 at 08:34 AM by CArizona
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I'm trying to take things slow and easy...Don't want to "bite-off" more than I can "chew." (And overwhelm myself!)...Or go to "extremes!"...I don't have to take on the "whole world" right now. I don't have to "break records" or be "number one" or "top dog" or the absolute "best" at anything...It feels good to be a "drop-out." Or "wallflower." I don't have to enter any "races." Or compete with others...I know that I'm not quite "up to snuff" yet due to all the deaths in my family. (Over the past couple of years.)...It's going to take me awhile to work through my grief and feel strong again. And "whole" and "complete" within myself...I'm trying to cut myself some "slack" as I go through the grief-process. Trying to accept where I'm "at" today and make it "okay!"Posted 01-16-2014 at 09:01 AM by CArizona
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I haven't been writing for awhile...Where have I been? I'm not sure! LOL!...Good to take a few moments to write every so often to get in touch with my thoughts and feelings. And goals and dreams and whatever!.. Happy first day of March! Happy "Spring on the horizon!"...Yesterday was the anniversary date of my Dad's death and I did okay. Sent my Dad "my love!"...I'll be back again soon. Writing has always been good therapy for me.Posted 03-01-2014 at 09:34 AM by CArizona
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I think I've become a little more private over the past few months. So I have to push myself to open-up and write "something."...What should I say? Maybe I'll talk about my son's cat "Gracie." She's the only cat that I have left and we've become "best buddies." We're "girlfriends!".. I don't know what I'd do without "Gracie." And I know she enjoys being a "one and only" for the first time in her life...We "weather storms" together and tickle and play and make life worth living. (Even though we've lost so many loved ones through the years.)..."Gracie" loves to cuddle and curl-up next to me and I sure love and value and appreciate "her love!"Posted 03-04-2014 at 08:52 AM by CArizona
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I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. Been a hermit and "drop-out.".. Most of the time, I "play it by ear" and live in the moment. It feels good to get off the treadmill for a little while...I know I need time to work through my grief. And time to "reinvent myself."...Who I "am" right now might change in the future. I'm working on establishing a brand new identity as a "single person" once again...Sure miss my husband and sons and all of my other loved ones who passed-away. My world definitely got turned "upside down" due to all of the deaths...I'm trying to cut myself some "slack" as I go through the grieving process. Don't want to jump back out into the world on a "big scale" until I'm on "sure-footing" and feel ready.Posted 03-08-2014 at 09:34 AM by CArizona
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I've been "keeping to myself" lately...Just doing my "own thing."...Minding my own "business." Going it alone...I hardly ever confide in anyone. I don't feel a need to put my "stuff" out there. Or confer with others before I make a decision...It can be a lonely life at times. But all in all, I do okay...I haven't been writing or posting or blogging very much lately because I've become so private. And such a loner...But a little "talking" here and there won't hurt!Posted 03-27-2014 at 10:45 AM by CArizona
