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OP you don't have to plan the funeral arrangements, your husband can do it all himself, now and he can get it all paid for. Then all you have to do is ask someone to tell everyone where to be so you don't have to do that either.
Lots of people plan their own funerals. If he wants it that much tell him to get on and arrange it.
Funerals are definitely for the living, not the dead.[b] The first thing I'd do in this situation is delicately sound out the kids - do they REALLY care? It is very likely not as much as he thinks.
Yes, I was thinking of running it by the kids too. I have been to several Catholic funeral masses, and for me they symbolized what the deceased loved and lived, that is their faith. As you stated your husband is no longer an active member of a parish. But it shows your husband is already thinking of others (his kids) even while he is no longer in this physical realm.
The death of a spouse is the most stressful event in one's life IMO. I know you and your spouse will find the right path for both of you. You are blessed to have such a wonderful marriage.
OP you don't have to plan the funeral arrangements, your husband can do it all himself, now and he can get it all paid for. Then all you have to do is ask someone to tell everyone where to be so you don't have to do that either.
Lots of people plan their own funerals. If he wants it that much tell him to get on and arrange it.
Yep - this. ^^
I've attended dozens of funerals and arranged a couple myself. Embalming is rarely done anymore around here and closed caskets with a nice photo of the deceased on top are the norm.
You can have a Catholic service without a Mass. That makes it considerably shorter.
But by all means, as Cruithne noted, if it's that important to hubby, he can and should pre-arrange it.
So the fact that he is no longer Catholic, has not attended mass in all the time I've known him, and he only thinks this is "what his kids want," is reason enough? Based on responses here, it's clear I am seeing this differently than most, but I would think "what would be the least distressful to my wife during the most painful thing she's ever gone through" would be more important than "what I think my kids want," (the grown kids who live far away and rarely come visit, and then only if we pay for it.)
Additionally, I happen to think our culture's ritual of embalming and putting makeup on the corpse is weird and creepy.
But I did come here seeking help and opinions, and I try to be open-minded in all things. So I would love to hear more from atheists/agnostics....but can everyone discuss rationally without beating me up?
I suggest you tell him that if he wants a Catholic funeral, it is on him to arrange it ahead of time. If he does, then honor his wishes.
You are still free to have a service for him of your own choosing.
So the fact that he is no longer Catholic, has not attended mass in all the time I've known him, and he only thinks this is "what his kids want," is reason enough? Based on responses here, it's clear I am seeing this differently than most, but I would think "what would be the least distressful to my wife during the most painful thing she's ever gone through" would be more important than "what I think my kids want," (the grown kids who live far away and rarely come visit, and then only if we pay for it.)
Additionally, I happen to think our culture's ritual of embalming and putting makeup on the corpse is weird and creepy.
But I did come here seeking help and opinions, and I try to be open-minded in all things. So I would love to hear more from atheists/agnostics....but can everyone discuss rationally without beating me up?
I'll tell you what I think you should do. I think you should do whatever feels right for you. As the survivor, it is up to you how to memorialize the dearly departed. Unless the dead person prepaid for all of the arrangements (casket, vault, plot, opening, funeral home, embalming, etc.), then YOU are the one that will have to contract and pay for those services. You get to make your own decisions about how you spend your money. You can have him cremated and keep his ashes in a box on a closet shelf if you want.
Thanks for all the feedback. Hub and I have been together 8 years now (married 5 years, second marriage for both of us), and somehow we had never talked about this before. But now that he is going through cancer treatment, our mortality is more real to us, hence yesterday's conversation.
At first he was like, "Oh, I don't know what I want...I don't even like to think about it." So then when he said that he should probably have a Catholic funeral because his kids would probably want that, it's not like he has felt strongly about this for his whole life or anything. I was pretty shocked, and wasnt prepared for how opposed I felt.
Thanks for letting me bounce my feelings off y'all, and again thanks for your replies.
Thanks for all the feedback. Hub and I have been together 8 years now (married 5 years, second marriage for both of us), and somehow we had never talked about this before. But now that he is going through cancer treatment, our mortality is more real to us, hence yesterday's conversation.
At first he was like, "Oh, I don't know what I want...I don't even like to think about it." So then when he said that he should probably have a Catholic funeral because his kids would probably want that, it's not like he has felt strongly about this for his whole life or anything. I was pretty shocked, and wasnt prepared for how opposed I felt.
Thanks for letting me bounce my feelings off y'all, and again thanks for your replies.
You are welcome.
By the way I forgot to say, best wishes to your husband for his treatment. X
As a recovered Catholic myself, I totally get it. Especially since he has children. Catholic funerals can be hugely cathartic - on my mom's side, the entire extended family showed up. Then we'd have a big funeral lunch and hang out for a few hours. Honestly, they were often a ton of fun. Depending on how the person dies, that can be a really good thing.
He doesn't need to be embalmed - he can be cremated.
Talk with him to figure out what's important to him and why he wants the funeral. Then let him set it up.
I'm an atheist and my father's only close relative. Unless he tells me otherwise, I will have him cremated and the service will be at the Methodist Church where he was baptized over 80 years ago. He was pretty indifferent religiously, but his dearest friends are very devout. Funerals are for the living, and I know I'll derive a great deal of comfort from spending time with the people he knew when he was younger and laughing over the stories about him.
I get it that you're a wife, not a daughter. But community can be a very wonderful thing after a tragedy. Pop got sick a while back and my world descended into chaos - his friends reached out to me to express their concern and support, and it really helped me cope.
To clarify, hub is not dying anytime soon (I hope!) But yesterday we were talking about our wishes for when we die. I don't want a funeral at all. We don't live near any family members or my best friend. Everyone I care about is widely scattered.
Hub is a former Catholic. He hasn't been to mass in years. He jokingly calls himself a "recovered Catholic." He says he still believes in God, but that belief does not seem significant in his life. I was surprised when he said he would want a Catholic funeral when he dies. He said his kids (grown) would want that. This would be very upsetting to me for a number of reasons.
1. I would be grieving horribly and wouldn't want to plan anything at all right away.
2. His kids and other family members are all very far away, in different places. The logistics of getting everyone in the same place would be a huge stress.
3. I would feel like a Catholic service was a farce in our case. I can hardly stand the thought of sitting through such a thing, and would prefer to skip it frankly.
With the conversation being an emotional one, we decided to table the discussion, with the understanding that we need to return to it, and to get things in writing.
Has anyone here gone through a similar situation? Should I just suck it up and do what hub thinks his kids would prefer, or is it reasonable to think that my feelings and my grief and my disdain for the Catholic Church should take priority?
You should give your husband the funeral he requests and assume that he would do the same for you if the roles should become reversed.
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