Children dumping their parents (adult, father, money, power of attorney)

[movin'on]

I just read the inverse thread, and was going to post something of my own, so hope originator of said thread doesn't mind my using a similar title

I have two old parents --85 and 91. Mom lives upstairs alone and dad is in lockup (downstairs, Alzheimers) in a care facility.

What burns me up and stresses me out is that I was the only one of my siblings to call my mother yesterday on 4th of July!

I live in another state. I realize my siblings have the day to day responsibility in terms of care giving, but a freakin phone call on 4th of July wouldn't have put them out too much. Arghh!

There's nothing that I'll do about it, as I am estranged from my siblings. Things were tough growing up and when I took care of my dad a few years ago for ten days (he didn't even know who I was) while mom was having surgery, no one even called on Labor Day and they left me off power of attorney. I told my brother than if this weren't remediated I'd never go back up there. He just shrugged it off and then my mother learned of this and said over her dead body, so it was changed. I vowed I'd never set foot in that state again, but I have visited a couple of times since. I just need to vent. It's such a sad situation and I just don't understand how my three siblings did not even pick up the phone yesterday.

Yes, they voted for Bush so I sort of understand, but still...

[MotleyCrew]

I feel for you. I have my 91 year old mom living with us and I wish I had siblings to even fight with over her. I am the only one to deal with it. I hope the others will chip in and call her before it is too late.

[5kingsinvegas]

I can sympathize with you. I come from a similar although not as hostile a situation. Recently (a year ago) we moved to Las Vegas from Michigan. I was the only one out of 4 children who still lived close (10 miles) from my parents. We were always there for everything, shoveling snow, raking leaves, putting the dock in, taking the dock out etc. My siblings would come and visit and enjoy the lake but would rarely lift a finger to help with the work. Shortly after our move my youngest brother passed away and he was the only one left in the state even though he lived about 4 hours away. Now, my other brother and sister both live in neighboring states with in 5-6 hours. No one put the dock in, helped with the 2 trees that were blown down or anything else they needed help with. My parents call me all the time because they are so upset at the thought they will have to sell their home and move into a condo or something. Granted, I realize that this is probably a more practical solution for them but they love living on the lake and having the kids visit and enjoy everything it has to offer. I feel like my siblings could make more of an effort to help them out since I did it for 20+ years.

[brokencrayola]

Gosh, I am torn in two directions as to how I feel about this. On one hand your parents are very elderly and I admire that you are trying your best to care for them. It could not be easy what you are doing. On the other hand the 4th of July isn't like Christmas or their birthday, so I don't know that it was a huge holiday to get yourself worked up over not getting a call. My father has passed but my mother is in her late 70's and has some medical issues. There are 4 siblings alive, and my sister on her own, without consulting anyone, chose to move, and bring my mom along to live with her and her husband. All the rest of the siblings have children (my sister does not by choice) and live in faraway states. Now after a few months of caring for her and choosing to be around her 24/7 she is pressuring some of us to have her come visit us and my sisters terms. It was her choice to do this and we were never consulted as to how we felt about that, or what part we would play and not play in it all. I will not cave into her pressure now that the reality of her decision has hit her.

[movin'on]

Thanks for your replies. I in no way have the responsibilities some do when they actually take in their parents or live in the same state. I moved many years ago far away, to take care of me and escape my dysfunctional family.

However, it just kills me to think of my mother sitting in that little apartment with my father downstairs knowing that no one called on a holiday except for me. Granted, she is a control freak and was never really there for me, but I have always protected both my parents and I'm not about to quit now, even though it takes so much out of me emotionally. When I saw my father in May I had to leave within a minute of talking with him in that "activity room," where the people just sit there all day doing nothing. Of course, I did get it together enough to take him out and visit without almost bursting into tears for the remainder of my visit. He is just a shell of the person I knew and his eyes are sunken and red in that place and even for a short outing he looks like himself more. Yet my siblings never take him out of there, just even for a a meal he really enjoys down the road. He is trapped and has expressed feelings like...please, someone get me out of here. And he asks for phone numbers, just a piece of paper, even though the staff won't let him call anyone. My stance to my mother is give him the phone numbers and thus maybe he feels some security or whatever, yet she says he would just lose them and then I say...who cares? Just give him the numbers and make him happy for however brief a period of time. Let him feel like he has some control over his life, even though he has none. Just having phone numbers and thinking you can call someone can be enough to give one relief.

While I was there, he ended up in the hospital and we thought he'd die. Here the Dr. is talking about DNR orders and all. I don't visit often so I am thinking..is he having some reaction to my being there? Then my mom ends up in the hospital the same day he is discharged from his pacemaker operation.

I tell you, I don't even want to go up there for fear I'll contribute to something else (not that I do anything unkind, maybe I just throw them off being there).

Anyway, I know there's not a good answer here. I could never move up there without having a nervous breakdown nor is my mother coming here.

Thanks for letting me blab on and thanks for reading and thanks much for sharing your experiences. It's hard on everyone I imagine as parents age.

P.S. I really admire what you people do who are there for your parents, on a day to day basis, in spite of siblings who could be there. To be fair, my siblings have probably done the best they can, but I still don't understand things, the small things, like a phone call on a holiday or a dinner once in a while down the road.

[sun queen]

I think it can be very challenging caring for parents as they get older and require more of their adult children. Typically people who find themselves in such a situation have families of their own. It is difficult to be everything to everybody all the time. Plus, it is distressing for a child to watch their parent suffer even if the child or children have become adults. It is sometimes easier to just aviod the the situation. People handle this type of grief differently. Some are stronger than others. I am not saying it is right. I am just keeping it real. It is real easy to look around and see what your sibblings should be doing and maybe they should. But, u only have control over what u do. Your being frustrated or disgusted with your sibblings won't make either of your parents feel better or improve family relationships. The only thing u will accomplish with your attitude is bitterness and anger. Your sibblings may have the same feelings toward u since u get the pleasure of not being there for the day to day stuff. I just want to point out this is a hard unpleasant situation for everyone. U have to work toward peace and find happy moments and make them last. The biggest comfort to a mother is all of her children getting along. I am sure she wants peace in her family. I am taking care of my mom. I have two sisters who r content to live their own lives and call when it suits them. I know my mom would like to spend time with them as well. I wish things were different. It is very stressful dealing with the day to day stuff of living with your mom to begin with but the stress factor shoot through the roof when she is terminally ill and u r it for the support system. I was tempted to be angry with my sibblings, but I fast realized I just didn't have the time for that type of negativity. I can only be responsible for my own actions and judging my sibblings really is not my place. Now I can focus on caring for my mom, taking care of my family and trying to stay fit enough to be to continue to do so physically and mentally. I wish u peace in with your family.

[movin'on]

Originally Posted by sun queen

I think it can be very challenging caring for parents as they get older and require more of their adult children. Typically people who find themselves in such a situation have families of their own. It is difficult to be everything to everybody all the time. Plus, it is distressing for a child to watch their parent suffer even if the child or children have become adults. It is sometimes easier to just aviod the the situation. People handle this type of grief differently. Some are stronger than others. I am not saying it is right. I am just keeping it real. It is real easy to look around and see what your sibblings should be doing and maybe they should. But, u only have control over what u do. Your being frustrated or disgusted with your sibblings won't make either of your parents feel better or improve family relationships. The only thing u will accomplish with your attitude is bitterness and anger. Your sibblings may have the same feelings toward u since u get the pleasure of not being there for the day to day stuff. I just want to point out this is a hard unpleasant situation for everyone. U have to work toward peace and find happy moments and make them last. The biggest comfort to a mother is all of her children getting along. I am sure she wants peace in her family. I am taking care of my mom. I have two sisters who r content to live their own lives and call when it suits them. I know my mom would like to spend time with them as well. I wish things were different. It is very stressful dealing with the day to day stuff of living with your mom to begin with but the stress factor shoot through the roof when she is terminally ill and u r it for the support system. I was tempted to be angry with my sibblings, but I fast realized I just didn't have the time for that type of negativity. I can only be responsible for my own actions and judging my sibblings really is not my place. Now I can focus on caring for my mom, taking care of my family and trying to stay fit enough to be to continue to do so physically and mentally. I wish u peace in with your family.

Thanks for the well wishes and I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. You are so right about parents wanting their children to get alone. I try. I did have lunch with my one brother and mother while I was up there. However, one doesn't always get what one wants and I am not about to pretend I have a relationship with people I don't.

Honestly, I don't have enough of a relationship with my siblings to invest in anger. But I was pretty angry about the lack of a phone call. I'm over it today.

We all come from different circumstances. My sister kicked me when I was down when my marriage came to an end. No apologies. Last time I was up there she flipped out on me screaming saying she is "the nurse" and I can just go back to my life here (nevermind that my research into meds bought my father another 18 months of thinking clearly and that from here I arranged interviews the first time they moved into assisted living. I did in two weeks or less what they couldn't accomplish in months. I was told by my brother I had "exceeded expectations" in my efforts. See what I mean?). Well, I left that state over twenty years ago, so it's not like I decided to bail when my parents got old. I just needed to leave in part so I wouldn't be the scapegoat in the family.

I'm sure they've judged me quite harshly over the years. I don't care anymore. I have my own serious health concerns here and, at some point, I have to be a priority, least to myself.

[Mrs. Lindo]

I too am a caregiver. My mother is 85 and things are very difficult. I will pray for you and others like us in this situation.

[brokencrayola]

She is not a caregiver, her parents do not live with her.

[ded2bred]

My mother thinks the entire world revolves around her.
She whines and cries about how no one helps her and how she has awful kids, and can be very convincing and charming.

She makes "friends" of people that will do things and buy things for her. Once they realize they are being used, the friendship ends and she looks for a new victim to listen to her lies.

"Mom" has conveniently forgotten all of the abusive and neglectful things she has done to my sister and I...and re-written history. My father died suddenly when I was 11, and I was "baggage". My sister was older and not living at home then.

She has never taken responsibility for all the conflict she has caused and all the hurtful things she has done to us over the years. It would take pages and pages to list them all.

She stopped working as soon as she was eligible for Social Security and expected me to pick up the slack. For the last 27 years I had worked two jobs.

I am in my 50's, and for years I wanted to walk away and not look back... but daughters don't do that. I watched what she did. I felt tremendous guilt for thinking of cutting ties. I felt tremendous anger for what she did and continued to do.

I was someone to get money from, since my sister cut her off years ago for the same hateful behavior.
There is always a turning point. The straw that breaks the camel's back.

She has her social security, medicare, and section 8 housing. I made sure she had nice furniture (before I wised up)and I gave her a car. A few years ago, I pre-paid her funeral expenses.

I sent her money each month...until day before yesterday.

...But, she has her "wonderful friends" that just adore her!

I re-married and moved across the country last year. If I had taken her to live with me you would see me featured on American Justice. I am only half kidding.

She pulled the final stunt, and I am done.

She will continue to tell people I abandoned her, no matter what I do. She loves to get sympathy and she needs to be the center of attention.

While not a conventional solution, it works for me. It is time for me to be a healthy happy person and let go of the cause of a lifetime of unhappiness.
She will never change until she passes away.

Whew!!! I guess I really needed to get that out of my system.