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Your definition of hell might be run of the mill normalcy for other people. Being a parent isn’t easy, they mess up and make bad mistakes from time to time as do all of us.
Refusing to provide some kind of care when they become older and unable to do for themselves is very selfish, shallow, and shameful. My husband didn’t have a great childhood either but when his mother had a stroke he took time off work to fly back to Massachusetts and help care for her after she got out of the hospital.
It’s the right thing to do no matter how much hell you think you went through in your youth. Ya think you were the only one with a bad childhood or bad teen years? People like you need to get over your past hangups and set your priorities straight----seriously!
That is all your personal opinion!!! Don't judge until you've walked a mile in my shoes! When you live with DAILY beatings where wooden spoons are broken on your back repeatedly and you have PERMANENT spinal damage, then you can begin to judge. Until then, zip it!
So what your husband didn't ave a great childhood? He choose to take care of his mother. That was his choice. If he refused, I would have said that is also his choice. I would not judge him for that choice. He's an adult. He's not selfish. He's not shallow. Nor is he shameful. He is taking care of himself and no one else will ever do that.
Refusing to provide some kind of care when they become older and unable to do for themselves is very selfish, shallow, and shameful. ...
It’s the right thing to do no matter how much hell you think you went through in your youth. Ya think you were the only one with a bad childhood or bad teen years? People like you need to get over your past hangups and set your priorities straight----seriously!
I just want to point out that, although you state this opinion as fact, it is only your opinion based on nothing but ...your opinion.
The notion that we owe our parents something for raising us, even if they were decent or exemplary parents, is not a point of consensus even among learned scholars and philosophers. The issue of exactly what and how much we owe them, if anything, is not a matter of agreement among, well, anyone.
And the degree of venom and accusation with which you express your rather uneducated view, using phrases such as "get over your past hangups" to refer to loveless or abusive childhoods - strikes me as the mark of someone using bluster and bullying to get their point across when they don't have logic or persuasion on their side.
This is a valid point. I know of a situation right now where the elderly mother needs some help and the daughter can't be bothered. Mom was good for going to lunch and the movies with, a couple of months ago the elderly mother bought the wedding dress for her granddaughter's upcoming wedding. I saw the pictures, never heard anything about the mother being difficult.
Always got along well.
Now the elderly mom needs some help and suddenly she is "difficult", no the truth is in this situation the middle aged daughter doesn't want to be bothered. She was actually put out that she had to spend the night at the mother's house after she got out of the hospital, one frigging night. She met a guy online a few months back and that takes precedent.
Sometimes how bad the parent is becomes exaggerated when the truth is some people are too self absorbed to offer any help.
Because honestly, by the time most parents need help they're well into their late 70s or early 80s, if they were so horrible common sense would say you were estranged at this point for most likely 25 or 30 years.
The adult child now in their 40s or 50s would have left home in their early 20s. Why would they even have contact?
No one is going to fault anyone, or think you need to now become close after you were abused and than had years of no contact, just because they're old and sick.
Sorry you went through that, no one would fault or you or really expect to have your mother live with you.
That's the great mystery. People who grow up in loving homes, and have all they need and than some and than can't be bothered to help with an elderly parent/parents.
But it's amazing, when the parent/parent is gone and there is house involved and other assets. They now have the time.
Actually that is exactly what the other poster did was fault me and tell me to get over my hangups about being abused. It was very judgemental and hateful, not something expected on a forum that caregivers come to when they are doing their best to get through a extremely stressful situation.
It is a little hard to get over your father sexually molesting you and your mother standing idly by and doing nothing to protect you but I am going to try really hard and take your advice to get over my past hangups and get my priorities straight.
BTW if my hell is normalcy for other people then our world is a screwed up place for children.
BTW had you paid attention to ANYTHING I said you would have seen that my mother does live with me right now, not what I want and definitely not what I need but here she is. And if you think I am shallow, selfish and shameful, then so be it.
I'm sorry but I didn't know you were molested or abused, and I based it from your previous post that seemed to indicate there was no abuse----
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom
My parents were not good parents to me at any time in my life, now that being said they never knocked me around but their words and inaction (in certain circumstances) probably did more damage then if they had just beat me. My relationship with my father was so bad that I didn't go to the hospital when he died nor did I attend his memorial service.
That all being said, at this particular time my mother lives with me, not sure how long she will live with me because I refuse to allow her to more negatively affect my life than she already has.
Not trying to be insensitive but you know anyone can claim they were molested, abused, beaten, or traumatized as a child.
Sexual abuse is inexcusable, but if someone notified the proper authorities then your father could've been arrested and the abuse would've ceased. Did you ever call the police or tell your school teachers, counselor, or principal what was going on? If you didn't then you're as bad as your mother for letting it happen. Nobody-child or adult-should have to endure that kind of bullsh1t.
I just want to point out that, although you state this opinion as fact, it is only your opinion based on nothing but ...your opinion.
The notion that we owe our parents something for raising us, even if they were decent or exemplary parents, is not a point of consensus even among learned scholars and philosophers. The issue of exactly what and how much we owe them, if anything, is not a matter of agreement among, well, anyone.
And the degree of venom and accusation with which you express your rather uneducated view, using phrases such as "get over your past hangups" to refer to loveless or abusive childhoods - strikes me as the mark of someone using bluster and bullying to get their point across when they don't have logic or persuasion on their side.
So what you're saying is----
Our parents brought us in the world, raised us, fed us, clothed us, made sure we got an education and proper health care, loved us from day 1, and made all kinds of sacrifices for us, and you don't think they deserve anything in return from their children when they become old, frail, or unable to care for themselves?
Marvelous!
That my friend is what I meant by selfish, shallow, and shameful. I swear some adult children can be worse than kids in this regard.
Thankfully most people had decent childhoods-not perfect but not abusive. These are the people I'm talking about. They say how much hell they went through in their youth but it's usually no worse than sibling favoritism or maybe a few harsh scoldings.
I was swatted on the fanny many times in my youth for misbehaving. I hated being punished but when I grew up and became an adult I realized I might have deserved it. My husband said his mother whapped him across the mouth so hard for backtalking that it cut the inside of his mouth and left it sore for a long time. All that would be called abuse these days but in our day it was called discipline. It was tough but we survived and we still loved and respected our parents.
My husband rushed to his mother's aid after her stroke despite what she did to him a long time ago. I would do the same for my parents because it's the right thing to do.
I'm not backing down on anything I said before. Some people that refuse to care for their elderly parents are absolutely pathetic and should be ashamed of themselves.
As the thread continues, remember to remain calm and respectful. If you don't the thread might get closed and you might end up with a several day long posting restriction.
Remember you're exchanging opinions and we're all allowed to have one, regardless of what it is and whether others agree with it.
Yac.
I'm sorry but I didn't know you were molested or abused, and I based it from your previous post that seemed to indicate there was no abuse----
Not trying to be insensitive but you know anyone can claim they were molested, abused, beaten, or traumatized as a child.
Sexual abuse is inexcusable, but if someone notified the proper authorities then your father could've been arrested and the abuse would've ceased. Did you ever call the police or tell your school teachers, counselor, or principal what was going on? If you didn't then you're as bad as your mother for letting it happen. Nobody-child or adult-should have to endure that kind of bullsh1t.
I didn't think I would need to share very intimate details on a public forum, hence the reason I left the statement as I did.
I highlighted the last portion of your post for a reason, you are out of line. Have you ever been abused? By anyone? If you had you would know that many times abuse by parents to children go unreported, you have no idea what it is like to live in fear, that the people you are supposed to trust the most, are the ones who are hurting you and that you have no place to go or noone to turn to. I sure hope you NEVER have an instance to counsel a child who has been abused, I have a feeling you would do more harm than good.
I stand by my original statement, that no child should feel like they "owe" a parent for their life, if you or anyone else wants to take care of their parents, then please by all means do so, but for those of us, who find it difficult or impossible, stop with the self-rightous judgment. I came to this forum seeking support at a very difficult time in my life, when I am caring for the person who did nothing to protect me from my fathers abuse and meted out her own abuse. Your opinion is that, nothing more than your opinion.
Last edited by ajzjmsmom; 02-18-2016 at 05:03 AM..
I'm sorry but I didn't know you were molested or abused, and I based it from your previous post that seemed to indicate there was no abuse----
Not trying to be insensitive but you know anyone can claim they were molested, abused, beaten, or traumatized as a child.
Sexual abuse is inexcusable, but if someone notified the proper authorities then your father could've been arrested and the abuse would've ceased. Did you ever call the police or tell your school teachers, counselor, or principal what was going on? If you didn't then you're as bad as your mother for letting it happen. Nobody-child or adult-should have to endure that kind of bullsh1t.
To your last paragraph, I can assure you that it doesn't happen that way. I can 100% assure you. And I'm going to do my best to do as YAC asked....which is not easy because my blood is boiling right now: You never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever blame the child for it. EVER. And I mean NEVER.
That's all I can say without getting myself tossed out of here.
So what you're saying is----
Our parents brought us in the world, raised us, fed us, clothed us, made sure we got an education and proper health care, loved us from day 1, and made all kinds of sacrifices for us, and you don't think they deserve anything in return from their children when they become old, frail, or unable to care for themselves?
Marvelous!
That my friend is what I meant by selfish, shallow, and shameful. I swear some adult children can be worse than kids in this regard.
As Oscar Wilde famously said, selfishness is not living as you wish. Selfishness is expecting others to live as you wish.
Not trying to be insensitive but you know anyone can claim they were molested, abused, beaten, or traumatized as a child.
Sexual abuse is inexcusable, but if someone notified the proper authorities then your father could've been arrested and the abuse would've ceased. Did you ever call the police or tell your school teachers, counselor, or principal what was going on? If you didn't then you're as bad as your mother for letting it happen. Nobody-child or adult-should have to endure that kind of bullsh1t.
What an unbelievable thing to say.
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