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I certainly have heard of a couple of instances where an elderly person degenerates rapidly after a major fall.
Okay, I can't help overall, but I'll give you a little advice on conversations. Don't ask many questions. Be prepared to do most of the talking. I had a friend once in very much the same situation, but with advancing dementia, at that time locked up in a mental ward by her horrible daughter who never visited. We had mutual friends, but I wasn't even sure if she remembered them. If I saw the name of someone I knew on the visiting list, I'd inquire, "Have you seen Mary lately?" Sometimes she'd remember, sometimes not.
So here's what I did. I did 90% of the talking, with an occasional question sprinkled in. In your case, your mother can't have much that's newsworthy. But I'd make the questions specific, and then you go right on talking. For instance, maybe instead of asking "Did Betty have any news?" you could try "Oh, how's her son doing?" - and if you don't get much of an answer, you launch into something yourself, like "Oh, I really used to love those cookies that she baked at Christmas. Weren't those great? Do you remember the time...?"
I wish I knew why some things are indelible and others gone in a flash... she knows the day and date when her friend across the street that was 101 passed away last year... she doesn't remember having a big meal 30 minutes later and starts cooking again or is always wondering why "Her" car is parked on the street... it belongs to a neighbor and has never been her car... yet a few times she was looking for the keys to move it... of course we have no keys because it is not her car... it is white and her car was white.
She doesn't care for frozen waffles... the grandkids liked them... they have not been overnight for a couple of years... she is set in that she has to have them in case they come over... the freezer as a least 20 boxes of frozen waffles!
That's classic.
It's because the brain is clogged and flushes out some things not others. Remember back in the day they called it hardening of the arteries? She's seeing life through a tiny keyhole.
Picture an accordion. The middle part is the past 2 years or so. The Beginning is childhood which they will remember for awhile and the end is today squeezed tight.
As she progresses into mid stage she'll forget the ladies birth date and more from the past two years. As the accordion gets tighter and tighter. THEN she'll imagine things and swear they're today just like the car.
Seeing her parents etc. Anxiety that she's late getting home from school.
Sometimes melatonin causes terrible dreams they can't shake all day. I even saw a host on Fox and Friends weekend have that problem in her 30s! She had to stop taking it.
Forgetting "today" is the most common thing of all.
That's why people shouldn't make a big deal when they leave, she won't remember they were even there BUT making a big thing about leaving WILL cause anxiety and she won't know why.
... I've read many of your posts and I understand a lot of what you go through! I also see you as a very caring, loving dutiful daughter who wants to do the right thing. I also have a habit of trying to do everything and make everything right. But try not to take too much of this on your shoulders. It is what it is and you really don't have a lot of control over it, as much as you'd like to. Hugs.
I agree with the above 100%. Kathryn, you really care, you take on so much. But the problem is expecting a return on your investment. I think there sometimes comes a point where that isn't going to happen.
There's an expression people in AA use: You're responsible for the effort, not the result.
I live by that where caring for my mother is concerned. I do what I think is best and I sincerely try to help. But I've learned that my efforts don't mean (A) she will cooperate or even respond (B) she will appreciate it (C) even if she's trying her body might not cooperate. I have to practice acceptance and "let it go." Admittedly, I'm not very good at that part, so I don't mean to sound like I'm lecturing you. But I do believe it intellectually, even if I can't always respond properly on an emotional level.
But I think there comes a time when we can't expect the normal rules of cause and effect to match up. They're not the women they used to be. One other thing I've noticed. There are times when mental decline seems to be quickly accelerated and then she stays at that level for awhile. In my mother's case, it's happened after a period of physical difficulties. A fall, a broken bone, an illness like a bad cold. She gets through the physical crisis and things improve greatly ... then a few weeks later her cognition, interest, mood, energy all seem to crash. Sounds to me a bit of what you're experiencing.
Good luck, dear.
Postscript: Sorry I missed the part about your husband before writing that. Good thoughts coming your way.
Last edited by Jukesgrrl; 04-10-2016 at 04:07 PM..
Reason: added info
I certainly have heard of a couple of instances where an elderly person degenerates rapidly after a major fall.
Okay, I can't help overall, but I'll give you a little advice on conversations. Don't ask many questions. Be prepared to do most of the talking. I had a friend once in very much the same situation, but with advancing dementia, at that time locked up in a mental ward by her horrible daughter who never visited. We had mutual friends, but I wasn't even sure if she remembered them. If I saw the name of someone I knew on the visiting list, I'd inquire, "Have you seen Mary lately?" Sometimes she'd remember, sometimes not.
So here's what I did. I did 90% of the talking, with an occasional question sprinkled in. In your case, your mother can't have much that's newsworthy. But I'd make the questions specific, and then you go right on talking. For instance, maybe instead of asking "Did Betty have any news?" you could try "Oh, how's her son doing?" - and if you don't get much of an answer, you launch into something yourself, like "Oh, I really used to love those cookies that she baked at Christmas. Weren't those great? Do you remember the time...?"
But I admit, it's hard work.
Actually too much talking is bad. ALL questions are terrible.
It causes anxiety.
It's a common error family members make.
And certainly a BAD idea asking the questions you mentioned, sorry.
The only questions being asked should be something like about the food she's eating or a bird outside in a tree. Or "Isn't that blouse material nice you're wearing?"
NOT tests.
If you want a REAL answer you ask two closed ended questions that require a choice "Do you want steak or fish". "Are you getting dressed in pajamas or a robe?"
IF THAT. Even those are normally not necessary but visitors get nervous THEMSELVES when they can't make small talk and gab LOL.
Sounds like husbands health takes priority right now. Hope he recovers well. Take care of him
At some point with our dementia parents we have to 'Let go and let God'. And treat dementia parents accordingly. See that they are safe and taken care of but just enjoy what you can with them.
And in your case I recommend that you pull yourself out of the whirlwind that is Mom, hiring a caretaker or two to carry the major effort. Dad can step up or not.
In my case my Mom doesn't know me when I visit but she remembers the happy feeling she got from the visit and that carries her for several days although she doesn't realize that is what keeps her upbeat.
Good luck to you and all going through this
Last edited by theoldnorthstate; 04-10-2016 at 05:06 PM..
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