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It sounds like your Mother is getting along better. I hope she enjoys the big visit. Also it is very thoughtful of you to share with your cousin. Sometimes little things that mean the most.
Thank you - she got so excited when I told her I was giving her some things!
And yes, my mom is MUCH better. I think it's a combination of things - the meds have stabilized her moods and anxieties first and foremost. Due to the meds, her appetite has increased, she's gained weight to a healthy weight, and she is sleeping regularly - HUGE improvements.
And finally, she's over the shock of my dad's sudden death, and has adjusted to her new environment. She is no longer in the grip of grief and shock, though she is still saddened about my dad's passing.
Well, update. My mom is better but she's still not great.
She was so excited about my aunt and cousin's visit. But she was also really wound up. Since her meds kicked in, I haven't had to block her calls at night because she normally sleeps through the night, but she called me twice at around 4:30 am yesterday, demanding pretty stridently to know where we were and why we weren't already at her apartment.
She was well behaved and pleasant enough the first day of their visit. They stayed with me and we visited her both days for lunch and a visit around lunch.
The second day (Saturday), she knew they were in town and that's when she started calling me at 4:30 am asking why we weren't over there. Well, actually this is how the conversation went:
(Ring ring ring)
Me (not quite with it because my cousin and I had stayed up till 1:30 am talking and I was apparently in my deep REM sleep at 4:30 am!) Hello?
Mom: Well, where are you?
Me: I'm in the bed, Mom. I was asleep. It's 4:30 am.
Mom: I know.
Me: I hope not, because I hope you know you shouldn't be calling me at 4:30 am. Mom, you should probably listen to your talking watch before you call me to be sure it's not 4:30 in the morning.
Mom: Well, anyway, so when will you be here?
Me: Hours from now, Mom. About lunch time.
Mom: So what time exactly?
Me: I don't know (side note - it also doesn't matter because she can't read a clock and doesn't seem to ever know what time it is). Around lunch time. I can't give you an exact time. Hours from now though. Hours.
Mom: So what about church?
Me: That's tomorrow.
Mom: (in an indignant voice) I know that! So I don't guess we're going.
Me: I'm going to church tomorrow.
Mom: OK, so I guess we won't see our company then.
Me: Our company is leaving this evening. This is Saturday. Church isn't till tomorrow. Tomorrow is Sunday.
Mom: I know. So I guess our company won't be coming over after all and we'll be going to church.
Me: (realizing we've fallen completely down the rabbit hole) Mom. Today is Saturday. Our company and I will be over to see you in a few hours, around lunch time. We will go to lunch together and just visit. Then they will drive home. Tomorrow is Sunday. I will meet you at church tomorrow.
Mom: OK, I know all that but to be sure, can you repeat that?
Me: (repeated it)
Mom: Ok, well that's all very confusing but I'll just wait for you. Meanwhile, I will work on getting my clothes ready for church.
Me: OK, but Mom - don't call me anymore this morning. We will see you in a few hours.
Mom: OK. I guess that means we're not going to church.
So, we had a pleasant enough visit, for awhile. First we went to her apartment and she was very pleasant and congenial, and gave our relatives the Grand Tour of the place. At one point, she said, "Shouldn't we go out this door to show them the gardens?" I said, "No, not that door - let's go to the door at the other end of the hall." (It was 96 degrees outside, just for the record.) She sighed, looked at my aunt in a longsuffering way and said, "She's so bossy. OK, Miss Bossy Pants, have it your way." I said, "We can go out that door if you like, but we will just be standing in a parking lot. It's your call." She laughed gaily and said, "No, just have it your way - you love to be bossy!" Oh, brother.
Anyway, we went to lunch, which was chaotic because they wanted to go to a cafeteria and apparently every family in our city had their kids out shopping for back to school stuff. My mom kept trying to just get up, because she was done eating, and when she is ready to go, she's READY TO GO. I noticed about this time that she was not being conversational at all. In retrospect, this is when the winding up/anxiety probably REALLY kicked in.
See, my mom has never been very interested in other peoples' lives or conversations, because she has always been fixated on her own life, her own interests, her own conversations - but she had that thin veneer of "good behavior" and courtesy in place. Being poised and elegant has always been a big deal to my mom, so in the past she has been a pretty good conversationalist even though her interest in others was not very sincere. That thin veneer is just about gone completely with her now. She cannot carry a conversation well if it involves her actually having an interest in others and asking questions or showing interest about their lives. Well, my aunt and cousin were talking a lot about my cousin's kids, the old folks, my dad, the people of the small town they (and many of our other relatives) are from, the old home place now that we've sold it, etc etc etc. My mom has a hard time keeping up with that sort of conversation, and it doesn't help that she truly is not very interested in it.
We got back to her place and sat down in the living room to talk. It was hot and had it's usual smell going on. It was also dark because my mom, as usual, had most of her lamps unplugged.
She had found a present she wanted to give my aunt - who had been one of her best friends for many decades of her life (they had talked on the phone nearly every day for years though they rarely talk now). It was a framed poem my mom had written, about old memories and old friends. She read it to my aunt and then gave it to her, which was sweet. My aunt seemed very touched. So then we sat around talking. That is, my aunt and cousin and I sat around talking and my mom got up and began to pace. Not a good sign.
She didn't want to talk about the goings on of other people and families. She kept walking back into her bedroom or pacing around the apartment, picking things up and interrupting the conversation with, "Look at this pillow. Isn't it the most beautiful pillow you ever saw?" Or "Look at this jacket - look at the embroidery. Isn't it gorgeous? I can wear this with either jeans or black pants," or "I got these beautiful earrings at a garage sale, aren't they beautiful? Why would anyone get rid of these?" It was incessant.
Then she announced, "I have to go to the bathroom." She went into the bathroom and came out with her pants undone. As she walked around, her pants began to slip down - I mean all the way down. Finally I said, "Mom, button up your pants so they don't fall down." (She has a big window facing the hall and anyone walking down the hall can see right into her apartment and her blinds were open.) She said, "I don't need to button my pants," and she continued to walk around as they continued to fall down around her knees. Then she just sat down in front of us, and started taking her pants completely off. I said, "What are you doing?" and my aunt and cousin both exclaimed, "Don't do that! Your blinds are open and people are in the hall! They can see you!" My mom said, "Oh so what - it doesn't matter. No one cares whether I have my pants on or not!" and she just proceeded to take them completely off and then she got up and started walking around in her shirt and panties - now her shirt was short, so her panties were showing and remember my mom is very tall and has very long legs. So suddenly my mom is walking around in her apartment and right in front of us and her window in just her panties and a short shirt! Keep in mind that she hasn't seen my aunt (who was my DAD'S aunt, not my mom's - they are only related by marriage), and my cousin for at least 10 years, maybe even longer. And they never had any sort of type of relationship where they would undress around each other.
I said, "Well, let's go. I think Mom is tired and wants to get ready for bed." (I knew that my mom WAS tired, and it was around the "witching hour" - sundowner's hour of 4 pm.) Mom laughed gaily and said, "Oh my goodness, you are always making such a big deal about everything. I can walk around in my panties if I want to - you're the only person so upset about this." Right, because no one else was saying anything - they were just sitting there with shocked expressions on their faces.
My cousin and my aunt were both just sitting there awkwardly. I don't think my aunt wanted to get up and leave because that would seem to be "taking sides." My cousin said "Yes, we probably need to be getting back," but her mother wouldn't say a word and wouldn't get up! It was getting ridiculous. I got up and picked up my purse and stood by the door and said, "Mom, you've been up for 12 hours at least and I think we should just let you get ready for bed." My cousin picked up her purse but didn't stand up - and my aunt still just sat there. So my mom walks past us in her state of undress into her bedroom (she walks slowly) and then came back out, walking slowly, with a pair of pajama bottoms, and sat down on the sofa with her legs spread out and said, "I think I'll just wear this top with my pajama bottoms." CLEARLY she had checked out.
My aunt still wouldn't budge! So I stood there and my cousin and aunt sat there and I thought, "Have I stumbled into an alternative universe? One where we all sit around and watch my mom try to put her pajamas on for the next fifteen minutes?" Because that's what we did. She made a huge show of it - both legs in one pajama leg - laugh laugh laugh - one pajama leg inside out and one right side out - laugh laugh laugh - both inside out - laugh laugh laugh - isn't this just the funniest thing you ever saw? NO. But I knew better than to try to step in and help her and besides that, this really did seem contrived for attention. Which she was getting, no matter how awkward it was for everyone else.
Finally she got them on and then stood up and paraded around and actually curtsied and said, "See - VOILA! Pajamas on!"
It was so bizarre that finally - finally - my aunt got up and said, "Well, I guess we ought to be going." YA THINK? I mean, the woman has already undressed in front of you, walked around in her underwear, gone and gotten her pajamas, and sat there and put them on right in front of you and God and everyone else - maybe she's trying to tell you that she's freaking ready for bed.
What a fiasco.
Then my cousin, who needed to be five hours away at 9 the next morning to lead the choir at her church, stood first in my living room, and then in the garage (still 90 degrees) and then finally, four hours later in my driveway (still hot and humid) talking while her mother talked for a bit, then stood in the garage with her cane saying they needed to go, and then finally sat in the driveway with the car door open while my cousin continued to talk, and finally they said goodbye and both got in the car and started it and I closed the garage door. I swear to you - 20 minutes later - after 9 pm - after I had gone in, changed into my pajamas myself, washed my face, and then decided to go check my mail - I swear to you I walked out of my house to my mailbox and THEY WERE STILL SITTING IN THE DRIVEWAY doing something, I have no idea what.
I just waved and walked into the house and poured myself a glass of wine and turned on Game of Thrones. And I need to rewatch that show because about fifteen minutes into it I feel completely asleep.
I won't even bore you with the fun I had today with my mom, going to church, out to eat, out shopping (the incessant shopping), and then lugging all these heavy bags of stuff - "panty pads," and cat litter and cat food and God knows what else she had thrown into the cart - into her dark, hot, weird smelling apartment. I will just say this - I finally had a small explosion (not a large one, just a small one) when I was nearly done unpacking all the bags, had already checked the cat food and water, etc and my mom called from her bathroom, "Come in here and look at this." I went back there and in the sink was a sopping wet panty pad. Full of pee. She picked it up and said, "See this?" I said, "Mom, why are you showing me this and why is it in your sink?" She said, "I'm showing it to you to show you why I need panty pads."
That was it. I said, "Mom, for God's sake, I don't want to see that, and you don't need to put it in the sink. I know why I buy you pads - I don't think you're wearing them on your head. I don't want to see your wet panty pads. SHEEEZE!" She just laughed and said, "Well, I told you I needed them!"
God in heaven, please please don't let me get like this!
I got in my car - well, I bolted for my car - and my best friend called me and said, "So what's going on with you today?" and I said "I kid you not, I am about to just burst into tears." That's how I feel right about now - just so sad and frustrated and tired that I want to cry. And cry and cry and cry.
What I also want to do is take a break from her. So I'm going to do that. I already talked with my husband who will be home in two days. We will not be going to church next week. I will not be spending much time with her this week. I will go over and refill her meds box and that's it. She is going to have to entertain herself. I need a break.
When my mom started doing really weird things is when I started realizing she had dementia. I know your mom's dementia is mild, but maybe it is accelerating. Anyway, you do need a break, and I hope you enjoy it! It sounds like your aunt and cousin enjoyed their visit, LOL!
When my mom started doing really weird things is when I started realizing she had dementia. I know your mom's dementia is mild, but maybe it is accelerating. Anyway, you do need a break, and I hope you enjoy it! It sounds like your aunt and cousin enjoyed their visit, LOL!
I think my mom's dementia is either progressing, or she needs her bipolar meds upped, or maybe an anti anxiety medication added. Her anxiety is increasing and that is usually tied directly to her bipolar mania. She's acting like she has acted in the past when she was off her meds. Her meds are a low dose so maybe she needs something tweaked. Or she may have a UTI. It's hard to tell, but I do know that she is acting exactly like she's acted in the past when she got off her meds. But her meds administrator swears she's taking them every evening.
She's noticed Mom is "off" too.
I'm so emotionally drained by all this constant drama.
I think my mom's dementia is either progressing, or she needs her bipolar meds upped, or maybe an anti anxiety medication added. Her anxiety is increasing and that is usually tied directly to her bipolar mania. She's acting like she has acted in the past when she was off her meds. Her meds are a low dose so maybe she needs something tweaked. Or she may have a UTI. It's hard to tell, but I do know that she is acting exactly like she's acted in the past when she got off her meds. But her meds administrator swears she's taking them every evening.
She's noticed Mom is "off" too.
I'm so emotionally drained by all this constant drama.
Yeah, that's got to be so draining - having to adjust the medications for maximum benefit, worrying about UTIs, etc. My mom's dementia type is frontotemporal, and so much of that type reminds me of bipolar disorder - the patient can be up, or really really down.
Any time I try to step back and catch my breath, she does something like fall or decide she's not going to take her meds or something else that demands my attention. What would she do if I was dead, for pete's sake?
Update: Whew, got through the night without Mom calling.
My plan next time loved ones come to visit her (not my definition of "pointless activity") I will not tell her they are coming till the day they come into town. The issue I believe was that since she can't grasp linear time, she was in a constant state of agitation from the minute she knew she was going to have visitors till they actually left. This was a solid week of anticipation that led to anxiety because she couldn't understand when exactly they would show up.
I noticed this yesterday at lunch too, because she had talked with my brother and he had mentioned that he was planning to visit. Now - I know that this means "sometime before the end of the year I'm coming to visit." I know he has no solid plans at the moment but he would LIKE to come visit in the fall. I need to have a talk with him and discuss the fact that Mom can't process anything far into the future, because at lunch yesterday she told me he was coming and she just went on and on about it and was getting more and more wired up about it.
It's very difficult to remember NOT to mention events that are a few days or weeks or God forbid MONTHS in the future because it's so normal to talk about such things with most people, and because for most people, anticipation is a positive, happy feeling. But for Mom, with her lack of ability to process and understand times and dates, it quickly turns to anxiety.
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