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Maybe he could just tell her something like "This will make you feel better" and not really tell her what they are. Seems like that would be ok if Kathryn, who has the kind of POA she needs to make those decisions, was with her.
God, no. KA does not have guardianship. That would be malpractice.
Oh yes, we always go to Fredericksburg - it's near our favorite winery. We are very familiar with that area because we have two sons who live down there and we go down there often. We even spent our honeymoon down in that area. It's about a five hour drive from us, and it's a drive we typically enjoy (my husband and I LOVE road trips).
We really like Luckenbach. You have to go in the evening - and in the evening there is always a crowd there. There is a bar with lots of outdoor seating and there is an impromptu jam session every night there. People come from all over the world, literally. The really crazy thing is that every single time we go, we see someone we know - usually someone from way out the area. It's crazy.
Here's a picture from a couple of years ago in December:
Pop. 3 - That alone makes me want to go there! Have fun!
God, no. KA does not have guardianship. That would be malpractice.
Right on. My mom, for all her bizarre behavior, does understand most of what's going on around her - she's just so oppositional and argumentative and, well, bipolar, that she doesn't process or react well to directives.
I don't want to horn in on this very helpful thread, but I just spoke to a friend yesterday, and wonder if there are any suggestions I could share with him, because of all your experiences.
Briefly, his wife's mother is in her 90s. Very confrontational about everything. Seventy pounds and most likely an alcoholic, if anyone would give her alcohol, which they won't. The mother spends most of the time with her son, who she likes better than my friend. Mom spends 1-2 weeks at my friend's house when her brother needs a break.
My poor friend tries to cater to her mother in order to keep the piece, by making the meals she demands, and otherwise placating her, including taking her out to lunch every day. Despite this, the mother is very critical. The mother throws screaming fits if everything doesn't go her way. An important fact in the scenario is that mom was placed in an assisted living home and was so disruptive, the place expelled her.
Anyway, my friends were to deliver her back to the brothers house at 3:00 on a Sunday, and explained the timetable and that they would take her out to her favorite restaurant first for dinner. However, by 8:00 am that morning, mom was packed and ready to go. When they reminded her that they weren't going until afternoon, she threw a screaming fit. My friend finally lost it, and told her that every time she yelled, they would be leaving an hour later. Finally she gave in after they got up to 7:00 pm. The brother, who is a psychologist, just ignores her behavior until it blows over.
As an outsider, I'm thinking that it is impossible to make a demented person happy, and that they shouldn't try so hard, and try to keep a sense of humor about it. All they are trying to do is be dutiful, but my friend is actually hoping her mother will die before July, when they are getting her for 2 weeks. Of course, with a mother like this, as in KAs case, there is a lot of childhood baggage in play.
My friend could refuse to take her, of course, but her brother is a recent widower, whose wife died after a lengthy illness, so she will not do that to him.
I don't want to horn in on this very helpful thread, but I just spoke to a friend yesterday, and wonder if there are any suggestions I could share with him, because of all your experiences.
Briefly, his wife's mother is in her 90s. Very confrontational about everything. Seventy pounds and most likely an alcoholic, if anyone would give her alcohol, which they won't. The mother spends most of the time with her son, who she likes better than my friend. Mom spends 1-2 weeks at my friend's house when her brother needs a break.
My poor friend tries to cater to her mother in order to keep the piece, by making the meals she demands, and otherwise placating her, including taking her out to lunch every day. Despite this, the mother is very critical. The mother throws screaming fits if everything doesn't go her way. An important fact in the scenario is that mom was placed in an assisted living home and was so disruptive, the place expelled her.
Anyway, my friends were to deliver her back to the brothers house at 3:00 on a Sunday, and explained the timetable and that they would take her out to her favorite restaurant first for dinner. However, by 8:00 am that morning, mom was packed and ready to go. When they reminded her that they weren't going until afternoon, she threw a screaming fit. My friend finally lost it, and told her that every time she yelled, they would be leaving an hour later. Finally she gave in after they got up to 7:00 pm. The brother, who is a psychologist, just ignores her behavior until it blows over.
As an outsider, I'm thinking that it is impossible to make a demented person happy, and that they shouldn't try so hard, and try to keep a sense of humor about it. All they are trying to do is be dutiful, but my friend is actually hoping her mother will die before July, when they are getting her for 2 weeks. Of course, with a mother like this, as in KAs case, there is a lot of childhood baggage in play.
My friend could refuse to take her, of course, but her brother is a recent widower, whose wife died after a lengthy illness, so she will not do that to him.
Is there anything helpful I should say to them?
Well, one thing I'm learning (finally, after 55 years) with my mom is that oppositional people LIKE negative attention and they LIKE to fight, so don't give them either one. As much as is possible, downplay and minimize your interactions with such people. For example, your friend - she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, so why put up with rudeness and then try to placate her mom at the same time. For instance, taking her out to eat every day -in my mind there would need to be cause and effect - Mom, if you're rude to me between now and noon, we won't be going out to eat together because I don't intend to spend money and be treated rudely all within the same few hours. Also if I were your friend, I'd largely go about my business - without Mom. Meaning that I'd go to the store, go out with friends, etc without Mom. I would not include her in my usual activities - in fact, I'd UN include her as much as possible.
For instance (hindsight is 20/20) when her mom started screaming at her that morning, your friend could have simply left the house and left Mom there till it was time to leave, or close to it.
I have a story to tell along these lines and it will be in my next post. It's what happened last night after my mom's first "round" of meds being administered by a third party.
Well, day before yesterday (Friday), I went to the store and bought plenty of everything my mom could possibly need for the next 30-60 days or so. I delivered it to her apartment when she wasn't there. I also left her a note and $50 in cash. The note explained that her new meds admin would be coming by to meet her in the morning and the meds administration would start in the evening.
So she hypercalled me over and over again when she got in from her therapy/psychiatrist appointment. Thankfully I had her number blocked because I was getting a facial/massage - LOL.
After I was done, I called her back. She thanked me for the supplies and then asked for details details details about the new system. I was pleasant and polite but short. After our conversation, I blocked her calls again - I didn't want her calling me that night anymore.
So, yesterday (Saturday), I didn't talk with her. The new meds admin said she went out there to introduce herself and that went fine and she said she was going out there in the evening to give her the meds.
About 9:45 the facility called me and said Mom had fallen and had said she hit her head and she was being transported via ambulance to the ER. I asked if she was alert and talking when they took her and the guy said yes. I asked how they knew she had fallen and they said this is what happened:
Apparently about 9:30 (two hours after she took her meds - per doctor's orders she is supposed to go to bed after taking her meds because even this low dose can make her a bit dizzy), an acquaintance walking past her apartment noticed that she was sitting up in her living room with the lights on. So apparently she (in the facility dude's words) "stopped for a visit." Frankly, I find that odd at 9:30 pm - at that hour the facility is quiet as a church - but OK. Anyway, my mom got up to answer the door and when she opened it, she fell backwards in a faint. Apparently she did not fall hard because there was not a bit of indication that she had even fallen when she got to the ER but I'm getting ahead of myself.
So this acquaintance, or "sort of friend" as the front desk guy put it, immediately does what anyone would have to do - she called the front desk and when they all got there, the acquaintance told them that my mom had fallen and my mom said she hit her head, so they did what they have to do - they called the ambulance.
So - off my husband and I go to the ER at 10 pm. Yes, on a Saturday night.
We got there and before I went in to see my mom, I asked how she was. The nurse said she was absolutely fine with no indication of any injuries or issues, but they had to run a CAT scan and bloodwork just to be sure. He smiled brightly and said, "Don't worry, I think you'll all be going home soon. She's alert and seems to be doing great."
Well, you know that "soon" in ER parlay means "within 4-6 hours." So my husband and I went on in, and there she lay, with a small smile on her face and her eyes closed. I said brightly, "Hi, Mom," and she opened her eyes immediately, saw me, narrowed them, set her jaw, and turned her head. I said, "So what happened?" and she said, with her face still turned away from me, "What do you mean, what happened?" Grrrr. Gee, I don't know, you just got brought to the hospital in an ambulance, is what I wanted to say, but instead I said, "Well, whatever, the good news is that everything looks great on you so they think we will all be leaving soon. I don't think they are going to keep you." Long silence, with her laying there with her eyes closed and her face turned away from me, and then she said, "We'll see about that." Yes. Yes, we will.
That got me so mad that I didn't want to stay in that tiny, little space with her reeking anyway, so my husband and I just walked out and told the nurse we'd be in the waiting area. They took her for the CAT scan and did blood work and within about 3 hours, during which time we got to people watch, the doctor came out to talk with us - but before I get to that, let me tell you about a couple of events.
I was going back to the room to check on my mom about every half hour, but I wasn't going in or letting her see me - I was tiptoeing around to the other side and I could see her reflection in a metal tray - LOL. I could see whether or not she was sleeping. Usually she was dozing but she was sort of fidgety. And one time she sat up, began beating on the side of the bed, and yelling "HEY. SOMEONE. COME IN HERE. SOMEONE COME IN HERE. HEY. WHERE ARE YOU?"
So I tiptoed back to the nurse's station and said softly, "Just so you know - my mom is in there yelling for someone to come in for some reason." Then I went back to the waiting room, where thankfully no one was currently throwing up.
Around 1 am, the doctor, who looked like a small child, came in and said, "Well, everything looks GREAT with her results. She does have a mild UTI, so we're going to give her an antibiotic but other than that, we're sending her home." No surprises there. So I went on in and said, "Well, Mom, great news! Your test results all came back normal, so you get to go home in a few minutes, so I guess you better get up and get dressed." "What?" she said, "I'm going home?" "Well, back to your apartment - in just a few minutes - so that's fantastic, isn't it - and you really weren't even here that long. But they told me when you got here that you'd most likely be going home tonight. And voila - great, huh?"
She said petulantly, "I need to go to the bathroom - I need the bedpan." I said, "Well, I'm not qualified to help you with that so I'll get someone else to do it," and I did, and the nurse told me, "I'll help her get dressed as well and you'll be on your way." So the nurse goes in and I'm standing right outside and I can hear the whole conversation:
Nurse: Well, you're going home so let's get you on that bedpan first and then I'll come back and help you get dressed. The only thing wrong with you is a mild UTI so I'm also going to give you an antibiotic and a prescription."
So she puts her on the bedpan and then leaves her on it for about ten minutes, which I know is uncomfortable but hey - hospitals aren't known for their fun and comfort.
She goes back in and says this:
Nurse: Well here's your antibiotic. And you will need to take it several times a day. (I will set that up with the meds admin today.)
Mom: I don't want to take that.
Nurse: Well, that's too bad because you need to - if you don't, you can get a lot sicker and end up in the hospital for awhile. So here it is - take the first dose and you are fine till tomorrow evening.
Mom: Fine, fine, I'll take it.
Nurse: OK, great and now let's get dressed - you're going home and your family is waiting for you.
Mom: It's not a good idea for them to have to wait. They can just go home and I can go home tomorrow.
Nurse: No, you're not being admitted so you're going home in a few minutes. So let's get dressed.
Mom: (Heavy sigh.)
The nurse comes out and tells me to pull around and then - get this - she wheels Mom to the doors and just LEAVES HER THERE ALONE IN THE WHEELCHAIR. Oh, and on the way out (I was just ahead of Mom), I actually saw someone I knew in the waiting area - a friend of theirs had been in a car accident (was going to be fine from what I could tell but still) so I stood there and talked to them a bit. Which meant that Mom had to sit and wait for me to go get the car and pull it around.
So anyway, I get her in the car and I said "Well, that's great news - everything is fine!" and she said, "It's amazing, isn't it?" "No, it's not amazing to me," I said, "Because you look fine, your facility said you seemed fine, and as soon as I got to the ER they told me you were most likely fine and would be going home. So here you are - going home."
Long silence, and then she said, "Well, I sure am hungry. I want to stop and get something to eat." "Nope," I said, "It's 1 am and we're not going to go to a restaurant, so you can grab something to eat at the 24 hour cafe at your facility when we get there. Isn't it wonderful that they have snacks available at any time of the day or night?"
Long silence and then she said, "My goodness, it's dark outside - it's the darkest night I've ever seen." (She's always saying something is the most extreme of whatever that she's ever experienced - "My goodness, it's cold outside - it's the coldest I've ever felt" and we live in Texas and it's April, for instance.) I said, "Well, it's a typical dark night - I see this all the time because as you know I'm a night owl so I'm used to being up at this time."
Long silence, and I turned up the radio and started singing along softly with a song she doesn't like (and for that matter, neither do I so why do I know all the words?) - "Afternoon Delight." About the time it was over, there we were at her facility's front doors.
She wanted me to go in and get her cane - she didn't want to walk holding onto my arm. "Nope," I said, "That's double the work for me. Come on, get out, and then you can get your own cane and use it to walk to the cafe if you're hungry." The front desk guy came to the door and said, "Welcome back!" and I said, "Great news - there's nothing wrong with her whatsoever!" She averted her head and began to act very feeble and wobbly - but her hand on my arm was like a wrench on a screw. Whatever. I walked her to her apartment and then said, "Well, see you later!" and left, got in my car, and came home.
So we'll see if she's in church this morning. Should be interesting.
I don't want to horn in on this very helpful thread, but I just spoke to a friend yesterday, and wonder if there are any suggestions I could share with him, because of all your experiences.
Briefly, his wife's mother is in her 90s. Very confrontational about everything. Seventy pounds and most likely an alcoholic, if anyone would give her alcohol, which they won't. The mother spends most of the time with her son, who she likes better than my friend. Mom spends 1-2 weeks at my friend's house when her brother needs a break.
My poor friend tries to cater to her mother in order to keep the piece, by making the meals she demands, and otherwise placating her, including taking her out to lunch every day. Despite this, the mother is very critical. The mother throws screaming fits if everything doesn't go her way. An important fact in the scenario is that mom was placed in an assisted living home and was so disruptive, the place expelled her.
Anyway, my friends were to deliver her back to the brothers house at 3:00 on a Sunday, and explained the timetable and that they would take her out to her favorite restaurant first for dinner. However, by 8:00 am that morning, mom was packed and ready to go. When they reminded her that they weren't going until afternoon, she threw a screaming fit. My friend finally lost it, and told her that every time she yelled, they would be leaving an hour later. Finally she gave in after they got up to 7:00 pm. The brother, who is a psychologist, just ignores her behavior until it blows over.
As an outsider, I'm thinking that it is impossible to make a demented person happy, and that they shouldn't try so hard, and try to keep a sense of humor about it. All they are trying to do is be dutiful, but my friend is actually hoping her mother will die before July, when they are getting her for 2 weeks. Of course, with a mother like this, as in KAs case, there is a lot of childhood baggage in play.
My friend could refuse to take her, of course, but her brother is a recent widower, whose wife died after a lengthy illness, so she will not do that to him.
Is there anything helpful I should say to them?
Something along the lines of, "Be thankful it's only for two weeks!"
Kathryn, you already know your mother is a Master Manipulator. Good for not letting her get away with it vis a vis this latest ER visit.
I'm assuming she cooperated with the new meds administrator which could account for her dizziness after taking them. I still can't figure out how the person who "saw her" sitting on her couch at 9:30 was able to see her if Mom had to get up to open the door. Are the residents subject to public view at all hours?
I'm assuming she cooperated with the new meds administrator which could account for her dizziness after taking them. I still can't figure out how the person who "saw her" sitting on her couch at 9:30 was able to see her if Mom had to get up to open the door. Are the residents subject to public view at all hours?
Looking forward to today's chapter. lol
I was wondering the same thing.
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