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Something along the lines of, "Be thankful it's only for two weeks!"
Kathryn, you already know your mother is a Master Manipulator. Good for not letting her get away with it vis a vis this latest ER visit.
I'm assuming she cooperated with the new meds administrator which could account for her dizziness after taking them. I still can't figure out how the person who "saw her" sitting on her couch at 9:30 was able to see her if Mom had to get up to open the door. Are the residents subject to public view at all hours?
Looking forward to today's chapter. lol
Well, the way the apartments are set up, they all open up into a common area/hall that is full of windows on the "Front door" side. So if she leaves her blinds up or open, then people walking down the hall can see into her apartment's front room (she also has a big window and patio on the back side so she does get lots of natural light). She also can see across the hall into the garden area because like I said, there are lots of windows.
The blinds are very easy to close. Why she doesn't close them at night is beyond me, but that's her choice.
So her neighbor was walking past her apartment in the hall, saw her on the sofa with her light on and stopped to say hi - at least that's the official story.
I say there's a good chance that she has told this particular neighbor that her mean daughter is making her take dangerous and harmful meds, against her will, that make her dizzy so she either "fainted gently" when her neighbor checked on her, or (worse case scenario) the neighbor is actually "on her side" and "in on it." After all, no one but this neighbor saw her fall and the ER staff said there was no evidence of any sort of fall. My mom has osteoporosis so if she fell with any sort of force she'd probably break something. Plus she bruises easily. No bruises, no red marks, no lumps or bumps, nothing. Zip, nada. As the staff said, "no physical EVIDENCE of any sort of fall."
Another pertinent question is this - Why was she up on the sofa instead of laying down in her bed at 9:30 pm after taking her meds? The doctor has told her over and over again that these meds may make her dizzy so she needs to take them and then go to bed. She took them about 8 pm. That's PAST her bedtime actually.
Anyway, I know the answer to the bed thing - she no longer sleeps in her bed. Why? Because it's full of junk. In order to sleep on it, she'd have to actually put some things away. Oh and then she'd feel compelled to straighten it up too - or hell, maybe not. She certainly doesn't feel that compulsion in any other room in her apartment.
No, she'd rather sleep on a love seat, sitting half way up, with pillows and afghans and everything piled up all around her, all hours of the day and night, even though since she's sleeping sitting up, and not drinking enough water (both things she can control), her feet are swelling some at night. By the way, her doctors have already told her over and over again to sleep in the bed since 1) she's on night time meds that may make her sleepy and 2) this will keep the swelling in her feet down.
OK, we went to church and she wasn't there. Which means we also didn't have the question of "Do we include her in our eating out afterwards or not?" We had a really nice time, just the two of us. Blessed relief, especially after our late night.
Of course she didn't call to say she wouldn't be in church. So what I may do next week is call her facility and tell them to be sure the bus goes to pick her up as well, in case we decide not to show up. In fact, if she does this a time or two more, I'll tell them to make the arrangement permanent - drop off AND pick up.
I'm sure she told her facility this morning when they went to tell her the bus was ready, that she "spent the night in the hospital and she's sick so she can't go to church." That's fine.
So this afternoon I need to bring over her antibiotic prescription for her mild UTI and put it in the meds box for the meds administrator. My plan is to be mild mannered, say nothing about church or the ER last night, fill the slots up, and then say, "Well, gotta go!" and sail out the door.
Well, after a fall and ER visit and with a UTI (which could also make her dehydrated/lightheaded/fall)... she really shouldn't be going to church anyway, right? She is probably exhausted today, which also means increased risk of falls.
I'd start calling every week to ask where she is on the Assisted Living waiting list. She needs to be there... Push push.
Perhaps the person who comes to give her meds, can also assist getting her into bed? Work up to that....
Well, after a fall and ER visit and with a UTI (which could also make her dehydrated/lightheaded/fall)... she really shouldn't be going to church anyway, right? She is probably exhausted today, which also means increased risk of falls.
I'd start calling every week to ask where she is on the Assisted Living waiting list. She needs to be there... Push push.
Perhaps the person who comes to give her meds, can also assist getting her into bed? Work up to that....
Sure, she shouldn't be going to church I guess - I'm fine with that. Please keep in mind that I'm skeptical of the fall (as was the ER staff) and that her UTI is mild according to the ER doctor also. But if she wants to stay home, that's fine by me. Usually she's up pacing and asking where the bus is every half hour all night anyway (not to mention calling me saying that no one is cooperating with her) so I'm not particularly concerned about her being awake up at the ER. She also had an IV "just in case" so she didn't get dehydrated there.
The thing is - and I'm fine with this, really - is that she didn't call to tell us she wouldn't be there. She's asserting her "independence" by not calling to let me know she's not going to church. Like I said, that's fine, but if that's the new level of communication, then her facility needs to know that IF they do bring her to church, they also need to pick her up (they'll do this) because that's the process that needs to be in place if she's not going to communicate with me. So I'll let them know this today.
I also have decided that the next time she's transported to the ER (because we all know there will be a next time and it's probably going to be soon), I am going to call the hospital, tell them that I'm out of town (not a lie because I actually do live a bit out of town), and tell them to call me with an update once her labs are in, or sooner if she seems to be seriously ill or injured. In other words, I'm not rushing up to the hospital till I know whether or not she actually needs to be there. If she's admitted for observation I will tell them that I'll be up there later. If she's released, I will tell them to call her a taxi because I'm not in town. From what I understand, they will do that.
I agree about not going to the hospital. If this is a method of demanding your attention, it has to be nipped in the bud. If she goes for the attention of the nurses, so be it.
Oh my. I certainly hope the fall was legit. What a scary phone call for you to get.
No, actually it didn't scare me because the minute the guy explained what happened to me, and told me she was fully conscious and talking but they had to send her "as a precaution," I knew the odds were that she was absolutely fine - which she was.
I wish I could feel normal about all this. But I guess this IS normal to my mom - finagling, emotional manipulation, self destructive behavior - all in a days' work for her, ever since I've known her anyway.
No, actually it didn't scare me because the minute the guy explained what happened to me, and told me she was fully conscious and talking but they had to send her "as a precaution," I knew the odds were that she was absolutely fine - which she was.
I wish I could feel normal about all this. But I guess this IS normal to my mom - finagling, emotional manipulation, self destructive behavior - all in a days' work for her, ever since I've known her anyway.
You can not possibly feel normal because this is bat **** crazy. It truly sucks.
All you can do is limit the amount of your time dancing to her tune.
Well, day before yesterday (Friday), I went to the store and bought plenty of everything my mom could possibly need for the next 30-60 days or so. I delivered it to her apartment when she wasn't there. I also left her a note and $50 in cash. The note explained that her new meds admin would be coming by to meet her in the morning and the meds administration would start in the evening.
So she hypercalled me over and over again when she got in from her therapy/psychiatrist appointment. Thankfully I had her number blocked because I was getting a facial/massage - LOL.
After I was done, I called her back. She thanked me for the supplies and then asked for details details details about the new system. I was pleasant and polite but short. After our conversation, I blocked her calls again - I didn't want her calling me that night anymore.
So, yesterday (Saturday), I didn't talk with her. The new meds admin said she went out there to introduce herself and that went fine and she said she was going out there in the evening to give her the meds.
About 9:45 the facility called me and said Mom had fallen and had said she hit her head and she was being transported via ambulance to the ER. I asked if she was alert and talking when they took her and the guy said yes. I asked how they knew she had fallen and they said this is what happened:
Apparently about 9:30 (two hours after she took her meds - per doctor's orders she is supposed to go to bed after taking her meds because even this low dose can make her a bit dizzy), an acquaintance walking past her apartment noticed that she was sitting up in her living room with the lights on. So apparently she (in the facility dude's words) "stopped for a visit." Frankly, I find that odd at 9:30 pm - at that hour the facility is quiet as a church - but OK. Anyway, my mom got up to answer the door and when she opened it, she fell backwards in a faint. Apparently she did not fall hard because there was not a bit of indication that she had even fallen when she got to the ER but I'm getting ahead of myself.
So this acquaintance, or "sort of friend" as the front desk guy put it, immediately does what anyone would have to do - she called the front desk and when they all got there, the acquaintance told them that my mom had fallen and my mom said she hit her head, so they did what they have to do - they called the ambulance.
So - off my husband and I go to the ER at 10 pm. Yes, on a Saturday night.
We got there and before I went in to see my mom, I asked how she was. The nurse said she was absolutely fine with no indication of any injuries or issues, but they had to run a CAT scan and bloodwork just to be sure. He smiled brightly and said, "Don't worry, I think you'll all be going home soon. She's alert and seems to be doing great."
Well, you know that "soon" in ER parlay means "within 4-6 hours." So my husband and I went on in, and there she lay, with a small smile on her face and her eyes closed. I said brightly, "Hi, Mom," and she opened her eyes immediately, saw me, narrowed them, set her jaw, and turned her head. I said, "So what happened?" and she said, with her face still turned away from me, "What do you mean, what happened?" Grrrr. Gee, I don't know, you just got brought to the hospital in an ambulance, is what I wanted to say, but instead I said, "Well, whatever, the good news is that everything looks great on you so they think we will all be leaving soon. I don't think they are going to keep you." Long silence, with her laying there with her eyes closed and her face turned away from me, and then she said, "We'll see about that." Yes. Yes, we will.
That got me so mad that I didn't want to stay in that tiny, little space with her reeking anyway, so my husband and I just walked out and told the nurse we'd be in the waiting area. They took her for the CAT scan and did blood work and within about 3 hours, during which time we got to people watch, the doctor came out to talk with us - but before I get to that, let me tell you about a couple of events.
I was going back to the room to check on my mom about every half hour, but I wasn't going in or letting her see me - I was tiptoeing around to the other side and I could see her reflection in a metal tray - LOL. I could see whether or not she was sleeping. Usually she was dozing but she was sort of fidgety. And one time she sat up, began beating on the side of the bed, and yelling "HEY. SOMEONE. COME IN HERE. SOMEONE COME IN HERE. HEY. WHERE ARE YOU?"
So I tiptoed back to the nurse's station and said softly, "Just so you know - my mom is in there yelling for someone to come in for some reason." Then I went back to the waiting room, where thankfully no one was currently throwing up.
Around 1 am, the doctor, who looked like a small child, came in and said, "Well, everything looks GREAT with her results. She does have a mild UTI, so we're going to give her an antibiotic but other than that, we're sending her home." No surprises there. So I went on in and said, "Well, Mom, great news! Your test results all came back normal, so you get to go home in a few minutes, so I guess you better get up and get dressed." "What?" she said, "I'm going home?" "Well, back to your apartment - in just a few minutes - so that's fantastic, isn't it - and you really weren't even here that long. But they told me when you got here that you'd most likely be going home tonight. And voila - great, huh?"
She said petulantly, "I need to go to the bathroom - I need the bedpan." I said, "Well, I'm not qualified to help you with that so I'll get someone else to do it," and I did, and the nurse told me, "I'll help her get dressed as well and you'll be on your way." So the nurse goes in and I'm standing right outside and I can hear the whole conversation:
Nurse: Well, you're going home so let's get you on that bedpan first and then I'll come back and help you get dressed. The only thing wrong with you is a mild UTI so I'm also going to give you an antibiotic and a prescription."
So she puts her on the bedpan and then leaves her on it for about ten minutes, which I know is uncomfortable but hey - hospitals aren't known for their fun and comfort.
She goes back in and says this:
Nurse: Well here's your antibiotic. And you will need to take it several times a day. (I will set that up with the meds admin today.)
Mom: I don't want to take that.
Nurse: Well, that's too bad because you need to - if you don't, you can get a lot sicker and end up in the hospital for awhile. So here it is - take the first dose and you are fine till tomorrow evening.
Mom: Fine, fine, I'll take it.
Nurse: OK, great and now let's get dressed - you're going home and your family is waiting for you.
Mom: It's not a good idea for them to have to wait. They can just go home and I can go home tomorrow.
Nurse: No, you're not being admitted so you're going home in a few minutes. So let's get dressed.
Mom: (Heavy sigh.)
The nurse comes out and tells me to pull around and then - get this - she wheels Mom to the doors and just LEAVES HER THERE ALONE IN THE WHEELCHAIR. Oh, and on the way out (I was just ahead of Mom), I actually saw someone I knew in the waiting area - a friend of theirs had been in a car accident (was going to be fine from what I could tell but still) so I stood there and talked to them a bit. Which meant that Mom had to sit and wait for me to go get the car and pull it around.
So anyway, I get her in the car and I said "Well, that's great news - everything is fine!" and she said, "It's amazing, isn't it?" "No, it's not amazing to me," I said, "Because you look fine, your facility said you seemed fine, and as soon as I got to the ER they told me you were most likely fine and would be going home. So here you are - going home."
Long silence, and then she said, "Well, I sure am hungry. I want to stop and get something to eat." "Nope," I said, "It's 1 am and we're not going to go to a restaurant, so you can grab something to eat at the 24 hour cafe at your facility when we get there. Isn't it wonderful that they have snacks available at any time of the day or night?"
Long silence and then she said, "My goodness, it's dark outside - it's the darkest night I've ever seen." (She's always saying something is the most extreme of whatever that she's ever experienced - "My goodness, it's cold outside - it's the coldest I've ever felt" and we live in Texas and it's April, for instance.) I said, "Well, it's a typical dark night - I see this all the time because as you know I'm a night owl so I'm used to being up at this time."
Long silence, and I turned up the radio and started singing along softly with a song she doesn't like (and for that matter, neither do I so why do I know all the words?) - "Afternoon Delight." About the time it was over, there we were at her facility's front doors.
She wanted me to go in and get her cane - she didn't want to walk holding onto my arm. "Nope," I said, "That's double the work for me. Come on, get out, and then you can get your own cane and use it to walk to the cafe if you're hungry." The front desk guy came to the door and said, "Welcome back!" and I said, "Great news - there's nothing wrong with her whatsoever!" She averted her head and began to act very feeble and wobbly - but her hand on my arm was like a wrench on a screw. Whatever. I walked her to her apartment and then said, "Well, see you later!" and left, got in my car, and came home.
So we'll see if she's in church this morning. Should be interesting.
Haha, great post! You handled everything beautifully. My mother loved being in the hospital because she got so much attention. If she saw a nurse or doctor coming, her voice would suddenly become very feeble and she couldn't stand or walk without several people helping her. it was ridiculous.
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