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Somehow I don't think this would work with Kathryn's Mom. It might make her angry as she would suspect Kathryn's involvement. And she doesn't seem to like regimentation. But I could be wrong. This is just my impression from reading all of Kathryn's posts over the years.
I thought she would suspect KA's involvement when admin told her to keep her place clean. The fact that she didn't was an indication that she might comply with one or two more instructions if they appeared to come from the facility.
Getting her more mentally and physically engaged in her personal care could help to maintain her brain function which potentially could enable her to stay where she is much longer. To their loved ones, it may seem they are giving up more of their independence, so they are reluctant to do so, but the risks for a poorer outcome are higher than a few conversational blowups.
She will become angry about many things. She has always used anger, or the threat of it, to manipulate others and to try getting her way.
Thank you for the ideas! I agree with you totally on the necessary structure aspect of her life. That being said, she does enjoy when I call and say, "How 'bout if I come pick you up in two hours and we go shopping and out to lunch?" She really likes that - in fact, I hate to say it but I don't even bother telling her we're doing that earlier because she can't keep up with it and she worries about it and calls me every few hours until it happens. Or she totally forgets and then when I call to remind her, she is completely surprised. So now I just wait till two hours before hand.
Unfortunately I don't think the calendar thing will work because she absolutely cannot comprehend a calendar. My dad and I already tried that. In fact, for some strange reason, calendars freak her out. She also cannot understand clocks. She can, however, understand a talking clock, so that's what I got her.
Same with a check list - she doesn't get it. It's the weirdest thing.
I am waiting for my call that I get every Saturday morning regarding going to church. She ALWAYS thinks we're going to church on Saturday morning. But when I say, "That's right, Mom - I'll be at church like always - and that's tomorrow morning," she says, "I KNOW it's tomorrow morning." (She didn't - it's obvious because she always says, "Well, I'm just sitting here waiting for the bus to church and thought I'd call to remind you to be there." And I've never once NOT been there either, for the record.)
But you're right - she needs someone else, some outside force, to structure her days for her and she relies very heavily on that structure. That's why I think that she will do well when I eventually move her to memory care - after the initial shock, which I'm dreading. She will have a lot fewer choices. She will also have a lot less freedom, and she will not be able to bring her cat, and she will most likely have a roommate and a lot smaller closet and space. A huge change in her life. So we're not there yet, but I do think she will actually be better off emotionally after she adjusts. But initially she is going to be madder than a wet hen so I'm putting that off till I have to lower the boom on her. We're not there yet but I know it's in her future.
Good idea about the hairdresser thing though - having someone else bring it up and encourage her to do it. I'll see if I can get someone at her apartment complex to do it instead of me.
Yes, she already has the expectation that you will take her shopping from time to time.
A structured environment can actually improve their cognitive skills. It's unfortunate that they have to become worse before they get that help.
LOL she absolutely categorically refuses to do water aerobics - I've discussed it with her several times and she actually gets mad at the very idea (she hates water, pools, the beach, boats, etc). And she makes fun of me for doing it too. For good measure (I really couldn't care less but I have healthy self esteem!).
I agree with you about a lot of what you said. Actually the memory care center does what you're describing - right now she lives in Independent Living and the Activity Director is not going to force anything on her or spend a lot of time trying to get her to do stuff. But that would change in Memory Care. They do exactly as you describe - make crafts for various charities and that sort of thing.
But I think I am going to see about getting her a private room when the time comes to move her - which is hopefully in the distant future due to her responding so well to her meds.
Speaking of her meds, I believe she is about to be dropped from her therapy program (intensive outpatient group therapy MWF). Her case manager talked with me a few weeks ago and told me that therapy is not working for her because she refuses to believe she has a problem, so they were probably going to drop her if she didn't improve. Now she has literally started an insurrection among the other patients and has them all riled up about taking medications. She is very proud of this and told me the other day that there is a "large following" of people there who now don't want to take their meds. She even tried to convince my mentally ill brother (who is in a treatment program mandated by the state, rather than jail!) not to take HIS medications! Thankfully, he knows how necessary this is and isn't falling for it but dang.
So from what I understand, the program, for her anyway, will be ending August 31. I am still waiting on a call back from her case manager to confirm this but that's what she has told my brother and me. Actually what she told me is that the entire program is being discontinued, so who knows.
I'm sure that none of them believe they have a problem.
Sounds like the group leader has lost control and your mom is now in charge. She needs a stronger individual that she can't walk all over.
She and other adults like her are like children. They test everyone to see how much they can get away with and how far they can push it. They know with whom they can argue, negotiate or defy, and who they can't. She is testing the nurse over the meds. The last episode with the chips appetizer - your husband set himself up for that. She got away with taking it over and making a mess of it last time so of course she was going to do it again. Just like a toddler. She got over on him twice now, so she will be looking for more openings.
She doesn't understand the potential consequences of your brother moving back. Trying to engage her with sound logic about that or anything else gives her openings to negotiate it. She believes that if he thanks you then all is well. This is indicative of how poor her cognitive skills are. It sounds like you have a plan to prevent it. Just do it without discussion or debate, or consider moving to that stupid harbor place in Maine.
I thought she would suspect KA's involvement when admin told her to keep her place clean. The fact that she didn't was an indication that she might comply with one or two more instructions if they appeared to come from the facility.
Getting her more mentally and physically engaged in her personal care could help to maintain her brain function which potentially could enable her to stay where she is much longer. To their loved ones, it may seem they are giving up more of their independence, so they are reluctant to do so, but the risks for a poorer outcome are higher than a few conversational blowups.
She will become angry about many things. She has always used anger, or the threat of it, to manipulate others and to try getting her way.
Yes, it surprised me when my mom didn't get angry at me over the admin telling her she had to do better in order to continue living there.
She's actually very engaged in her personal upkeep - she just doesn't do it like she needs to, if that makes sense. For starters, she has serious vision difficulties due to two things - 1) the stroke that hit her optic nerve about 15 years ago, and 2) her absolute refusal to wear glasses because they "make her look old." While glasses would not correct the optic nerve damage, they would correct the vision within her reduced field of vision. My gosh, she needs all the help she can get but she fights it every step of the way!
My dad even spent about $1000 on two pairs of beautiful prescription glasses for her, which she refused to wear as prescribed (from the minute you get up till the minute you go to bed) and instead she treated like readers, taking them off and on just to read and then misplacing them, scratching them, damaging the frames - till she finally lost both pairs (the last pair recently). So since she only uses them as readers anyway, I just bought her two pairs of cheap readers. At least she's not losing expensive glasses - and I'm pretty sure the prescription ones are in her apartment somewhere anyway.
So not only can she really not give herself a good "once over" look, she misses buttons, puts things on inside out, etc sometimes and I really do think it has more to do with vision than mental abilities.
Another thing impeding her personal hygiene significantly (other than the fact that she can hardly see to dress herself or fix her hair or makeup, which is significant in itself), is that she is absolutely paranoid and super resistant to anything "artificial." She is fully stocked, via Kathryn, with all natural deodorant, laundry detergent, body moisturizer, facial creams, etc. She has toothpaste, all natural shampoo and conditioner, body wash, etc. But she does not BELIEVE that these items are "safe." She doesn't believe that they are truly "natural" and I made the mistake of buying toothpaste with (gasp) FLUORIDE in it and oh hell no, she's not using that. So since she can't read the labels, she thinks that all these items have harmful stuff in them. So she doesn't use soap, or toothpaste, or deodorant. BLECH. The only thing she will put on her skin is coconut oil. She also rubs that into her hair.
She actually spends hours every day fiddling with her clothes, her jewelry, and her makeup. She won't use "normal" makeup - for instance, normal powder or blush or whatever. No. She insists on smearing lipstick all over her cheeks for blush, and then she smears it across her lips, getting quite "out of the lines." She apparently can't see her hair well or she'd know it looks like a crazy mop - actually I think of this fictional character whenever I look at her:
I'm sure that none of them believe they have a problem.
Sounds like the group leader has lost control and your mom is now in charge. She needs a stronger individual that she can't walk all over.
She and other adults like her are like children. They test everyone to see how much they can get away with and how far they can push it. They know with whom they can argue, negotiate or defy, and who they can't. She is testing the nurse over the meds. The last episode with the chips appetizer - your husband set himself up for that. She got away with taking it over and making a mess of it last time so of course she was going to do it again. Just like a toddler. She got over on him twice now, so she will be looking for more openings.
She doesn't understand the potential consequences of your brother moving back. Trying to engage her with sound logic about that or anything else gives her openings to negotiate it. She believes that if he thanks you then all is well. This is indicative of how poor her cognitive skills are. It sounds like you have a plan to prevent it. Just do it without discussion or debate, or consider moving to that stupid harbor place in Maine.
Haha!
Well, the program IS being discontinued, which is fine I guess, because after all, it's not the tax payer's duty to entertain my mother and a bunch of other mentally ill elderly people, and that's basically what this program has been. I have yet to see a bit of improvement in my mother or anyone else in the program (I've been with her there several times - it's more like adult babysitting than anything else). And my mom has been attending for over a year and she has never once admitted to or owned the fact that she's going to THERAPY for a MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE. She absolutely, categorically to this day denies any sort of mental health issue.
So yeah - I'd say that three days a week of intensive outpatient therapy isn't doing her one flipping bit of good other than getting her out of her apartment three days a week.
I'm dreading when she will be sitting there day in and day out with nothing to do - but that's her own choice. There's PLENTY to do where she lives, but she has to choose to do it, and she chooses not to. I ask her about the activities every week and every week she waves her hand dismissively and says, "I don't do any of that stuff - I'm not interested in any of it." That's right - because she's not the center of the universe or being treated like she's extra special in those activities. She did manage somehow to read some of her poetry at some event - and she definitely made it a point to attend that particular event, make copies to hand out to everyone, etc. Ironically, she didn't tell me a thing about this. I found out about it from someone else. I am pretty sure she does not want me to know about anything she participates there because she likes to give the impression to me that the facility has nothing to offer her, nothing at all.
She WANTS me to take on the role my dad had - her constant companion, her only source of entertainment, etc. Nope. Not doing it.
She's bitten off more than she can chew when it comes to my husband - she's going to be surprised by that. Because here's how that went down - the first time she did it, my husband did call her out on it. He gave her a second chance after he called her out (that's his style) - and she blew it, though she thinks she got away with it again. Well, the next time we go out to eat, we're going to order queso again - two orders. And she's going to pay for one order and she can have the whole thing, and we are not going to let her touch ours. She is going to complain about this and make fun of us, and will probably refuse to eat hers but what she is NOT going to do is start digging around in ours. So she has underestimated my husband - but she underestimates a lot of people.
Including me.
Like my husband says every Sunday after we drop her off, "My oh my, she's a piece of work." I am so thankful that he has a laid back personality and a big sense of humor!
Well, the program IS being discontinued, which is fine I guess, because after all, it's not the tax payer's duty to entertain my mother and a bunch of other mentally ill elderly people, and that's basically what this program has been. I have yet to see a bit of improvement in my mother or anyone else in the program (I've been with her there several times - it's more like adult babysitting than anything else). And my mom has been attending for over a year and she has never once admitted to or owned the fact that she's going to THERAPY for a MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE. She absolutely, categorically to this day denies any sort of mental health issue.
So yeah - I'd say that three days a week of intensive outpatient therapy isn't doing her one flipping bit of good other than getting her out of her apartment three days a week.
I'm dreading when she will be sitting there day in and day out with nothing to do - but that's her own choice. There's PLENTY to do where she lives, but she has to choose to do it, and she chooses not to. I ask her about the activities every week and every week she waves her hand dismissively and says, "I don't do any of that stuff - I'm not interested in any of it." That's right - because she's not the center of the universe or being treated like she's extra special in those activities. She did manage somehow to read some of her poetry at some event - and she definitely made it a point to attend that particular event, make copies to hand out to everyone, etc. Ironically, she didn't tell me a thing about this. I found out about it from someone else. I am pretty sure she does not want me to know about anything she participates there because she likes to give the impression to me that the facility has nothing to offer her, nothing at all.
She WANTS me to take on the role my dad had - her constant companion, her only source of entertainment, etc. Nope. Not doing it.
She's bitten off more than she can chew when it comes to my husband - she's going to be surprised by that. Because here's how that went down - the first time she did it, my husband did call her out on it. He gave her a second chance after he called her out (that's his style) - and she blew it, though she thinks she got away with it again. Well, the next time we go out to eat, we're going to order queso again - two orders. And she's going to pay for one order and she can have the whole thing, and we are not going to let her touch ours. She is going to complain about this and make fun of us, and will probably refuse to eat hers but what she is NOT going to do is start digging around in ours. So she has underestimated my husband - but she underestimates a lot of people.
Including me.
Like my husband says every Sunday after we drop her off, "My oh my, she's a piece of work." I am so thankful that he has a laid back personality and a big sense of humor!
Based on what you have written about her, I doubt she will care that she is paying for it. She will be getting exactly what she wants: her own order. In her mind, she wins using a tactic that has worked for her.
Frankly I think it was an unreasonable expectation that someone in her condition would play nice with sharing an appetizer. Repeating it a second time and expecting different results was unreasonable too, IMO.
ETA: you don't have to tell her that she is paying for it or that she can't touch yours. That would be provoking her into confrontation.
Last edited by SimplySagacious; 08-09-2017 at 03:19 PM..
Based on what you have written about her, I doubt she will care that she is paying for it. She will be getting exactly what she wants: her own order. In her mind, she wins using a tactic that has worked for her.
Frankly I think it was an unreasonable expectation that someone in her condition would play nice with sharing an appetizer. Repeating it a second time and expecting different results was unreasonable too, IMO.
Well, to be fair, until very recently, she was sharing appetizers just fine. This is a new development. And actually, her eating queso and chips is a new development because up till a few months ago, she didn't like them. She has a long history of being a very picky eater and of eating disorders in fact.
(That being said, none of this should surprise me because she's never been "good" at sharing desserts - but she's always had a big sweet tooth. Appetizers are a new thing with her.)
Her tastes are really changing too - and I don't know why. This time last year she wanted everything on her hamburgers, then she suddenly switched to ONLY mustard and extra onions (BLECH!) and then the other day she wanted only onions on a dry hamburger. But now she wants a big ol' hamburger and will eat the whole thing - this time last year she only wanted small burgers and would often leave half of it, or take one of the pieces of bread off.
Definitely changing. Hmmm. I know the meds increase her appetite but I wasn't expecting her actual preferences to change. So who knows? Time will tell!
You'd have to be around her for a bit to realize just how normal acting and talking she can be - it lulls people into a false sense of security. For her, talk is cheap, and yet talk is everything. It's very important to her to speak well and to express herself very eloquently (I come from a "word" sort of family, lots of writers and readers). So you can be going along, having a perfectly normal conversation about world events, history, sociological issues, finances, you name it and she's just talking away making perfect sense, and then you look down and realize she's absconded with the queso and has crumpled up chips all in it while talking about real estate investments or the history of the Reformation.
Based on what you have written about her, I doubt she will care that she is paying for it. She will be getting exactly what she wants: her own order. In her mind, she wins using a tactic that has worked for her.
ETA: you don't have to tell her that she is paying for it or that she can't touch yours. That would be provoking her into confrontation.
Right - but she's observant about weird things, so if she notices two appetizers, I'll just say, "Well, you like yours all mixed together and we prefer ours not mixed together so we got two this time" or something like that.
I don't really care what she thinks though - my husband and I will know we avoided another weird food thing with her and will feel like VICTORS!!!!!!
So far she hasn't been completely crazed about money and buying things. Here's the deal. With good management, she has enough money to live comfortably and buy some nice things for herself - like a nice purse or an airline ticket a couple of times a year to go see great grandkids or whatever. But what she can't do is buy $500 purses every few months, or buy my brother a car, or that sort of thing. She sort of pushes the envelope sometimes but it's really on small stuff. She'll say stuff like "I'm rich - I can buy this if I want to" but what she's buying is under $100 so I say have at it. But if I don't watch her, she will load up a shopping cart with all sorts of crazy stuff. Often, I just wait till she's not looking and put stuff back (like costume jewelry, extra pairs of socks, that sort of thing) and she never seems to notice that.
I did get sort of ticked off the other day when she insisted on spending $130 on a pair of black, leather shoes - nice ones too - full price - and then told me later that she just didn't like them, they weren't comfortable. They were orthopedic type shoes but I thought they looked nice and she seemed to love them in the store. But next time she wants to buy something expensive like that I'm going to try to steer here away from it. Honestly speaking, she's like a child in that sense - easy to distract with something else shiny.
Sudden changes in food preferences are common with dementia patients. They don't experience flavor the way they used to.
I know all too well how dementia patients can seem normal, talk intelligently about current events, history, etc. It is misleading, for sure. It misleads family members in particular to believe their cognitive skills are much better than they actually are. Lucid episodes can encourage loved ones to remain in denial or to delay treatment.
Dementia patients are childlike in just about every sense of the word.
Just got off the phone with my mom and she sounded great. She was very conversational and I suggested we go shopping and out to eat lunch Saturday and she is all excited about it, saying stuff like, "Isn't it unusual for a mother and daughter to get along as well as we do?" That sort of thing. I just laugh it off.
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She needs a stronger individual that she can't walk all over.
