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Have you looked into possibly having codependency issues and a formerly enmeshed relationship with your son? Saying you were married to a drug addict and then describe an unhealthy dynamic of you and your son surviving together, almost like your new, replacement spouse rather than your child, rings bells for me of a disordered relationship.
Your need to blame your DIL instead of looking at your own role and your relationship with your son is a convenient scapegoat for you. Staying at their house twice a year is a huge imposition. Caring for a child is extremely exhausting, and you belittled her role as a mother saying she only has one child and doesn't even work. That is insulting to all stay at home mothers. A new mom is usually sleep deprived and exhausted and the baby's nap time is so important to moms. Interrupting the nap would drive any new mom over the edge. A baby can cry for hours until they finally go down for a nap, and a slight noise can wake them and make them cry again and become agitated. If you want to rest as soon as you arrive, you can go to a hotel. Demanding for your needs to take priority over an infant's is selfish.
Stop focusing so much on your DIL and start to examine your own self, perhaps checking out CODA meetings. Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy
The bolded is ridiculous.
Especially when you are talking about a grandmother staying at the home of her son and grandchild.
Who raised people like you?
To hellosherry, This is not a sleep deprived, exhausted "new" mother worried that grandma will disrupt the new baby's nap. IMHO, this is a self-centered DIL who wants everything her way. The grandchild in question is two and a half years old not an infant.
To hellosherry, This is not a sleep deprived, exhausted "new" mother worried that grandma will disrupt the new baby's nap. IMHO, this is a self-centered DIL who wants everything her way. The grandchild in question is two and a half years old not an infant.
Okay. But...
Quote:
I'm only invited down 2x/year for BD and Xmas (I've been told they "like their privacy") and I was told by my son that his wife and child are his family now.
How many times have you or I reminded someone who was under Mommy's thumb that his wife and child are his family now?
I agree with whoever said the couple is setting boundaries. Maybe they're not great at it yet. Maybe an alternative approach to visiting would be for the couple and GC to meet the OP halfway -- literally -- in a neutral location like a hotel or resort 2.5 years is old enough to travel.
Or the OP could just continue being angry, not acknowledging her role in this, and blaming her DIL. Because that always ends well...
To hellosherry, This is not a sleep deprived, exhausted "new" mother worried that grandma will disrupt the new baby's nap. IMHO, this is a self-centered DIL who wants everything her way. The grandchild in question is two and a half years old not an infant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat
Okay. But...
How many times have you or I reminded someone who was under Mommy's thumb that his wife and child are his family now?
I agree with whoever said the couple is setting boundaries. Maybe they're not great at it yet. Maybe an alternative approach to visiting would be for the couple and GC to meet the OP halfway -- literally -- in a neutral location like a hotel or resort 2.5 years is old enough to travel.
Or the OP could just continue being angry, not acknowledging her role in this, and blaming her DIL. Because that always ends well...
Fluffy, I do agree with you that her son has a new family. I was mostly commenting on the poster making a big deal about how new mothers need their sleep and infants need to not have their nap interrupted. But, IMHO, I do suspect that it is mostly the DIL making the rules in the house.
Fluffy, I do agree with you that her son has a new family. I was mostly commenting on the poster making a big deal about how new mothers need their sleep and infants need to not have their nap interrupted. But, IMHO, I do suspect that it is mostly the DIL making the rules in the house.
Sure, she probably is. Isn't it that way practically everywhere?
I make the rules in our house, even though I don't like doing it and wouldn't have chosen that role for myself. DH craves that kind of stability. Possible the OP's son, having had a strong mother, craves it as well.
I think it's obvious that there are years (probably decades) of resentments in play here. And I'm going to venture a guess that you are not completely innocent in all this and that there are reasons your son is doing this. It may be easier to blame him or his wife, but I think you probably own some responsibility in this. I agree with the previous poster about the counseling. You may be too far away do do it together, but I think some personal counseling will provide you with some insight.
Here is what I suggest: find a family counselor and do some sessions to see if you can gain insight into this. It sounds as if son and dil don’t like you very much. Sons who love their parents do not treat them the way you are being treated. I think you need to do the personal work to see if you can find out why you are semi estranged. There has to be a reason why he punishes you.
I do not think you are going to get any sort of answer without talking to a family counselor.
I HUGELY disagree with the conclusion that Nani needs to do work. Maybe so, but happy people are not cruel people and son and DIL are needlessly and bizarrely cruel and demanding. Something is very wrong with that picture. My advice to Nani is to find someone else to love, even a friend, and not blame herself.
I HUGELY disagree with the conclusion that Nani needs to do work. Maybe so, but happy people are not cruel people and son and DIL are needlessly and bizarrely cruel and demanding. Something is very wrong with that picture. My advice to Nani is to find someone else to love, even a friend, and not blame herself.
Don’t we all need to work on ourselves? Do you think you are perfect as you are?
This mother wants a loving relationship with adult child who acts like they don’t want to be around her. The only person one can change is oneself. If she wants a closer relationship, she will have to learn different behaviors. If she cannot or will not change, she is likely to continue to have a distant relationship with her beloved child.
OP you are not alone. We have been going through similar heartbreak with our oldest son, who also married a difficult person who has - we think purposefully and intentionally - caused a rift in our family. She is a narcissist who wants complete power and control, and she sees us as a threat. We (husband and I) go to therapy because of this situation, and it has helped us cope and helped us gain some skills and insight, but son and DIL refuse therapy and also refuse to accept that they are being unreasonable or hurtful to us at all. They see themselves as completely innocent and even at times as victims of our "old fashioned"'ness. They insist that we are in the wrong always, and whatever they want is always the correct and right thing. As long as we were to always go along with what they wanted, we would probably have an easier time. But because they are so hurtful, dishonest, and unreasonable we try to talk to them about compromise or other opportunities or alternatives, (and this is even down to teeny tiny things, not even big things) and that is when they lash out and act in really hurtful and heartbreaking ways, even so far as my son cutting off all contact for many months - almost a year, actually.
So all I can suggest from having experienced similar to what you are experiencing is to practice letting go. Because things will never be the same. We loved our son and enjoyed raising him and we were also close before he married. But those days are now only in our memory and the current state of things is very different. We have to accept that. Our son finally came around this Mother's Day. He finally communicated with us and we had a good phone conversation for the first time in a really long time. Even though I loved it and felt a flush of hope and happiness, because of past hurt and therapy and just having gone through so much with him the last few years, I also knew to protect my heart and know to appreciate the moment but accept that it was fleeting.
I don't know if this helps, but I thought I'd share just in case it might. I used to keep photos of all of my kids and family on the walls of our home. But this experience with our oldest and his wife and they have a son now, our grandbaby, made it so difficult to walk through the home and see the photos of happier times from the past. It was just a constant reminder of him and the grieving I was doing now that he has been changed and manipulated and is now controlled by this person who seems out to hurt us.
So I took down all the family photos - everyone because I couldn't just take down my one son's and leave everyone else, it felt wrong somehow - so I took down all the "people" photos from the walls and put them into albums. And on the walls now I only keep photos of happy things that are also a bit timeless. Photos of favorite places and beautiful things and positive expressions of gratitude and also pets, too, even though they are people to us, they felt OK to keep on the walls.
So doing this has helped. In our day to day life we try to focus on our own lives and doing good that day and staying in the moments and planning for our future. We try not to digress into the hurtful memories and not having those photos up everywhere is a helpful thing as those constant reminders are not "in our face" as we enjoy living in our home.
We also planted an area of our yard as a garden for our son, his wife, and our grandson. When I miss him/them or want to think about them I go there and weed and work in that part of the yard. It's my way of taking action to show that I do love him/them no matter what, even if their behavior and actions make it so difficult to have healthy relationships or close relationships with them.
Good luck, grandma. It's heartbreaking, what we're going through. It's not for weak people, for sure. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
Last edited by haggardhouseelf; 05-17-2019 at 01:39 PM..
Reason: spelling
Unfortunately your son has married a controlling young woman and he has chosen to go along with it. If I were you, I would write my son a SHORT letter and send it to his workplace. I would simply say:
" I have been unable to find a place in your and your family's lives that is acceptable and brings happiness to everyone. Since I do not want be a source of problems in your life, I will not initiate contact. If you wish to talk, please feel free to call at any time. I love you and respect your right to control your own life. Love, Mom "
This! Keep it light, don't point fingers and hope that your son seeks you out once he realizes how serious this is.
I'm so sorry OP. My brother and sister in law have a daughter that has pushed them away also. They also had to "arrive" at the right time so their son could get his nap.
These POS parents kept his room as dark as they could, kept him in a sleep sack so he couldn't walk around in his crib, no toys in his crib, no soother, and no night light in his room. Mean, controlling bastards! My brother and SIL didn't say anything because they didn't want to give them any reason to alienate them. It happened anyways and they are heartbroken. It's been two years now and still no contact.
I truly hope you have better luck than they did.
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Broken hearted Nani
