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Old 06-08-2018, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,481 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38756

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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellosherry View Post
Have you looked into possibly having codependency issues and a formerly enmeshed relationship with your son? Saying you were married to a drug addict and then describe an unhealthy dynamic of you and your son surviving together, almost like your new, replacement spouse rather than your child, rings bells for me of a disordered relationship.

Your need to blame your DIL instead of looking at your own role and your relationship with your son is a convenient scapegoat for you. Staying at their house twice a year is a huge imposition. Caring for a child is extremely exhausting, and you belittled her role as a mother saying she only has one child and doesn't even work. That is insulting to all stay at home mothers. A new mom is usually sleep deprived and exhausted and the baby's nap time is so important to moms. Interrupting the nap would drive any new mom over the edge. A baby can cry for hours until they finally go down for a nap, and a slight noise can wake them and make them cry again and become agitated. If you want to rest as soon as you arrive, you can go to a hotel. Demanding for your needs to take priority over an infant's is selfish.

Stop focusing so much on your DIL and start to examine your own self, perhaps checking out CODA meetings. Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
The bolded is ridiculous.

Especially when you are talking about a grandmother staying at the home of her son and grandchild.

Who raised people like you?
To hellosherry, This is not a sleep deprived, exhausted "new" mother worried that grandma will disrupt the new baby's nap. IMHO, this is a self-centered DIL who wants everything her way. The grandchild in question is two and a half years old not an infant.

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Old 06-08-2018, 10:42 AM
 
5,417 posts, read 3,386,979 times
Reputation: 20457
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
To hellosherry, This is not a sleep deprived, exhausted "new" mother worried that grandma will disrupt the new baby's nap. IMHO, this is a self-centered DIL who wants everything her way. The grandchild in question is two and a half years old not an infant.


Okay. But...


Quote:
I'm only invited down 2x/year for BD and Xmas (I've been told they "like their privacy") and I was told by my son that his wife and child are his family now.

How many times have you or I reminded someone who was under Mommy's thumb that his wife and child are his family now?


I agree with whoever said the couple is setting boundaries. Maybe they're not great at it yet. Maybe an alternative approach to visiting would be for the couple and GC to meet the OP halfway -- literally -- in a neutral location like a hotel or resort 2.5 years is old enough to travel.


Or the OP could just continue being angry, not acknowledging her role in this, and blaming her DIL. Because that always ends well...
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Old 06-08-2018, 11:00 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,481 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38756
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
To hellosherry, This is not a sleep deprived, exhausted "new" mother worried that grandma will disrupt the new baby's nap. IMHO, this is a self-centered DIL who wants everything her way. The grandchild in question is two and a half years old not an infant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Okay. But...





How many times have you or I reminded someone who was under Mommy's thumb that his wife and child are his family now?


I agree with whoever said the couple is setting boundaries. Maybe they're not great at it yet. Maybe an alternative approach to visiting would be for the couple and GC to meet the OP halfway -- literally -- in a neutral location like a hotel or resort 2.5 years is old enough to travel.


Or the OP could just continue being angry, not acknowledging her role in this, and blaming her DIL. Because that always ends well...
Fluffy, I do agree with you that her son has a new family. I was mostly commenting on the poster making a big deal about how new mothers need their sleep and infants need to not have their nap interrupted. But, IMHO, I do suspect that it is mostly the DIL making the rules in the house.
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Old 06-08-2018, 11:10 AM
 
5,417 posts, read 3,386,979 times
Reputation: 20457
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Fluffy, I do agree with you that her son has a new family. I was mostly commenting on the poster making a big deal about how new mothers need their sleep and infants need to not have their nap interrupted. But, IMHO, I do suspect that it is mostly the DIL making the rules in the house.

Sure, she probably is. Isn't it that way practically everywhere?


I make the rules in our house, even though I don't like doing it and wouldn't have chosen that role for myself. DH craves that kind of stability. Possible the OP's son, having had a strong mother, craves it as well.
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Old 06-08-2018, 12:04 PM
 
Location: Tyler, Texas
133 posts, read 50,077 times
Reputation: 801
I understand, I am in a similar situation with my son. I raised him on my own and tried to ensure he had a better childhood than I did, etc.

From what I have been told, unfortunately some boys and men raised by their mothers become hostile with mom. Something to do with the dynamics of son being the male and feeling conflicted about this due to resentment of a strong father influence. I had an amiable friendship with my son's father, but my son's father was distant and only paid a small amount of money for child support.

I noticed that my son's girlfriends were hostile toward me, no matter how kind I was to them. It was obvious and it was overt. It even got to the point that my son lied to me once, asking me for "grocery money" and I found out that he spent the money I gave him for groceries on 2 very expensive bouquets of roses for his girlfriend. He was living 5 hours away, when I visited him he would ask me to take him out shopping for clothing and such. As soon as he got what he wanted, he would tell me he was going out with his friends and he would cut our visit short. He is a fine adult who handles responsibility very well and has a great job. I began to slowly realize that he was just using me and nothing would change.

My son has a wonderful girlfriend who I absolutely love and I am so happy for the both of them. I am sad that she like all the other girlfriends he has had does not like me. I cannot do anything about it. I decided to just let go and stop trying. I only get involved when my son calls me and asks for help, sometimes that help is just advice but I give it willingly with no strings attached. I realize that I cannot change him, but I refuse to hold it against him. I am just grateful that is all.

My son called me recently asking for advice on how to get an apartment and a car loan now that he has graduated college and has a new job. I ignored his insults and his outbursts and gave it to him. I referred realtors to him that could help. He yelled at me about that and turned around and got a rental all on his own. He told me that our relationship has changed and that he does not need me anymore and that I have to respect his wishes. I am and I will. I am great at swallowing my pride and letting go. Unfortunately you cannot change anyone, you can only change yourself.

Wishing you love and luck, it hurts and it is so senseless and unfair. Bless you for trying so hard.
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Old 06-13-2018, 07:07 AM
 
5,077 posts, read 6,227,497 times
Reputation: 7826
I think it's obvious that there are years (probably decades) of resentments in play here. And I'm going to venture a guess that you are not completely innocent in all this and that there are reasons your son is doing this. It may be easier to blame him or his wife, but I think you probably own some responsibility in this. I agree with the previous poster about the counseling. You may be too far away do do it together, but I think some personal counseling will provide you with some insight.
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