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I received the "cold shoulder" (I'm describing it nicely) from my daughter-in-law's mother at her baby shower. Two weeks later I find out from my son, that it's because her mother felt that I should've offered condolences on the death of her 19 year-old daughter who died tragically about a year before. Now to give you a little history... I had only formally met my daughter-in-laws mother on 9/17/17 when I went over to her house to help with planning the baby shower (which was pleasant). We had no contact after that until two days before the baby shower on 10/15/17. To go a little further, my son and daughter-in-law weren't a couple or even in contact at the time of her sister's death. They were friends in high school and we lived in the same neighborhood from 2008-2012. I never met her mother during that time and I had only seen her little sister in passing because the bus stop was in front of our house and if I were outside we'd say hi. My son reached out on Facebook(which I'm not on) to his now wife at the time of the tragedy and they took off from there. Now fast forward to the present... Should I have offered condolences to the mother??? If I'm wrong I'd like to know. Of course I am HEARTLY SORRY for the loss of her baby girl and I wish I could go back because it would not be a problem for me to express that to her! I'm just so very confused...
I'm a little confused here. You never met you DIL's mother before, so there was no wedding? How odd you all seem to live locally and the first time you're meeting your son's in-laws are at a the baby shower, or maybe they're not really married? Strange.
Regardless, yes you should have said something. A few years back I had a young man who was a neighbor who took his own life. I had never met the father until about a year later, just in passing, I said I was sorry about David, and that he was a nice young man. To not say anything seemed wrong, so yes you say something.
this post is interesting, I'm going through this myself having just experienced a death in my family.
Most friends have been supportive, but kind of surprised at the ones who haven't reached out with a how are you doing type of thing. I know people don't know what to say sometimes.
Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive.
Sorry for your loss, and you aren't too sensitive.
You will find in life that sometimes the people who are there for you, aren't only the ones you think will be there for you.
The people who offer you no support when you suffer a loss, are the same ones who don't want to know you if you get laid off or have some personal problems.
That's utter nonsense about not knowing what to say, you say " I am sorry for your loss", silence is the worst.
This is why it's good to "clean house" every once in awhile.
And how is the person supposed to know your relationship with that person when most do not have that close of a relationship with a cousin, classmate, pastor, etc. It is just a cousin unless it is common knowledge about your relationship. It has nothing to do with seeing past their own noses. Closeness of cousins changes over a lifetime.
Grandmother is a close relative but most weren't alive when you met the people you know today.
Before I moved I lived in the same area for 55+ years. I still read the hometown newspaper online from an area of about 200,000 people. Every day someone dies that I have a connection to. I have never received or expected condolences except when my parents died. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and their spouses. In laws of siblings, former co workers, classmates, neighbors from throughout my life, classmates, ex spouses of all listed, and then you add their parents, children, siblings. All of the friends made over decades, their children and spouses and even the occasional death of a pastor. I have been close to many of them and NEVER expected condolences.
Oh please, if someone you know talks constantly about a cousin like they're more like a brother or a sister you know when that person dies, your friend is going to be very upset.
Oh please, if someone you know talks constantly about a cousin like they're more like a brother or a sister you know when that person dies, your friend is going to be very upset.
Makes perfect sense to me. Honestly, I think some folks just look for reasons, any reasons, that makes it ok not to say or do anything because it's just too much trouble. What it really boils down to is it's just not worth the bother. Because seriously, how much effort does it take to say "I'm sorry" or send a card or, for "the extremely lazy but still wants to do something as long as it doesn't take real effort" crowd, a 10 second Facebook sympathy post.
As far as I'm concerned, if you (generic you) don't want to do it, don't do it! That action (or lack thereof) tells me all I need to know about you. And that's always valuable information to have and will be used accordingly. Which brings up another point...the incredulous reactions of these people who just don't understand that I no longer am available to listen to the ensuing whining when their boyfriend does something stupid, their job sucks, or whatever else is the complaint of the week. "I ignored your father's death? Why on earth would you be upset about that? Now, let's get back to mmmeeeeeeeeeeee..."
Sorry for your loss, and you aren't too sensitive.
You will find in life that sometimes the people who are there for you, aren't only the ones you think will be there for you.
The people who offer you no support when you suffer a loss, are the same ones who don't want to know you if you get laid off or have some personal problems.
That's utter nonsense about not knowing what to say, you say " I am sorry for your loss", silence is the worst.
This is why it's good to "clean house" every once in awhile.
OH I agree 100%. As I get older, I clean house more and more. I don't necessarily cut people off, but manage my expectations, and there are some people who just don't deserve to be in my life, and I'm ok with that.
thanks for the kind words
I can't imagine not reaching out to even an acquaintance to see how they are doing after a death, but some people feel it's normal! Kind of scary, if you ask me. To say, well it was only a cousin, or an aunt, etc....
OH I agree 100%. As I get older, I clean house more and more. I don't necessarily cut people off, but manage my expectations, and there are some people who just don't deserve to be in my life, and I'm ok with that.
thanks for the kind words
I can't imagine not reaching out to even an acquaintance to see how they are doing after a death, but some people feel it's normal! Kind of scary, if you ask me. To say, well it was only a cousin, or an aunt, etc....
I can't do that if it's some I've met. I feel it's still a bit off if it's someone all of the relatives know. Just because I'm the only person in the family who never met uncle Bob doesn't mean I shouldn't go to his funeral. Before the end of the day, I'd know just everything about the person.
I learned that I shouldn't tell my aunt Lenore that I liked uncle Norman.
Oh please, if someone you know talks constantly about a cousin like they're more like a brother or a sister you know when that person dies, your friend is going to be very upset.
I did say unless it is common knowledge about your relationship. Talking constantly about them would make it common knowledge.
I agree. I find myself saying, well if it was me, I would do such and such. But people are proving me wrong. Was surprised at those who haven't reached out much. Well, live and learn.
I hate to make a “kids these days” type of statement but I do think society today makes it easier to behave in this manner. It’s not that people who didn’t give a $&@? didn’t exist before, it’s just more acceptable to show it now without getting shunned. As a whole, our society is just so focused on ourselves, no one else can fit in.
Even so, common decency dictates some kind of response when there is a loss. If a person can’t or won’t do that, that’s on them. Whether I tolerate it in my life...that’s on me. The older I get, the less BS I find myself willing to tolerate.
I can't do that if it's some I've met. I feel it's still a bit off if it's someone all of the relatives know. Just because I'm the only person in the family who never met uncle Bob doesn't mean I shouldn't go to his funeral. Before the end of the day, I'd know just everything about the person.
I learned that I shouldn't tell my aunt Lenore that I liked uncle Norman.
I was just a little kid. What did I know?
Lol you knew you liked Uncle Norman! Love your attitude!
Makes perfect sense to me. Honestly, I think some folks just look for reasons, any reasons, that makes it ok not to say or do anything because it's just too much trouble. What it really boils down to is it's just not worth the bother. Because seriously, how much effort does it take to say "I'm sorry" or send a card or, for "the extremely lazy but still wants to do something as long as it doesn't take real effort" crowd, a 10 second Facebook sympathy post.
As far as I'm concerned, if you (generic you) don't want to do it, don't do it! That action (or lack thereof) tells me all I need to know about you. And that's always valuable information to have and will be used accordingly. Which brings up another point...the incredulous reactions of these people who just don't understand that I no longer am available to listen to the ensuing whining when their boyfriend does something stupid, their job sucks, or whatever else is the complaint of the week. "I ignored your father's death? Why on earth would you be upset about that? Now, let's get back to mmmeeeeeeeeeeee..."
Exactly, it takes very little effort to contact someone, call, card even online....something.
Today people use the word "busy" when in reality it means "I don't want to be bothered".
Thing is someday they will in the other person's shoes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jen5276
OH I agree 100%. As I get older, I clean house more and more. I don't necessarily cut people off, but manage my expectations, and there are some people who just don't deserve to be in my life, and I'm ok with that.
thanks for the kind words
I can't imagine not reaching out to even an acquaintance to see how they are doing after a death, but some people feel it's normal! Kind of scary, if you ask me. To say, well it was only a cousin, or an aunt, etc....
Oh you're very welcome.
I do as well. As Maya Angelou said "when people show themselves to you, believe them".
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