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I figured-out that I'm probably experiencing "growing pains." (Like kids have to go through at the various stages of their development.)...Being a widow isn't easy! I have to figure-out who I can trust. And who is full of "baloney!"...Have to make daily decisions about big and small things. Holy moly!.. I'm tired and worn-out! But I guess it's all part of growing stronger in my own "right." Coming into my "own.".. Building-up my character or ??.. I have to "grow-up" (even more) even though I'm already pretty old!.. Has anyone else felt like this? Thanks!
Part of the growth-process (for me) is remembering to "nurture" myself. How about you?...It's easy and second-nature to be "nurturing" towards others. But sometimes I forget about myself...And I need a little "nurturing" once in awhile too. (So I don't shrivel-up and turn into beef jerky or petrified wood!)
Once in a while I am "myself", but sometimes, often, it seems as though I can glimpse the person I used to be but I can't reach her. I am too frightened, too worried and too practical. I think that I'm no fun any more. I was reminded of this recently when I said to a friend, "...I don't have anything to offer". She said, "Are you kidding? I fell in love with you when we met!" Sadly, she moved to another state a few weeks ago. We'll probably lose touch and that will be just one more person who used to know "me" who drifts out of my life.
I don't want to dehydrate into beef jerky, but I may as well do just that. I'm certainly not attracting any new friends.
Once in a while I am "myself", but sometimes, often, it seems as though I can glimpse the person I used to be but I can't reach her. I am too frightened, too worried and too practical. I think that I'm no fun any more. I was reminded of this recently when I said to a friend, "...I don't have anything to offer". She said, "Are you kidding? I fell in love with you when we met!" Sadly, she moved to another state a few weeks ago. We'll probably lose touch and that will be just one more person who used to know "me" who drifts out of my life.
I don't want to dehydrate into beef jerky, but I may as well do just that. I'm certainly not attracting any new friends.
Sorry to hear you "lost" another friend, Gerania. You're not quite the person you used to be so she won't completely come back. I'm sorry to hear you are frightened and worried. About what if I may ask.
Gerania...Thanks for posting. Sorry your friend moved away...I can relate to what you wrote. I can really get out of balance at times...I relied on my husband and son to make life "fun." We all helped each other stay in balance...Now I can be too serious. Or "all work" and "no play!" YUK!...And I don't have any real "fun-loving" friends around me now. (Not on a daily basis.)...So everything is on my shoulders. I have to remind myself to "lighten-up" so I won't "crack-up" or become a "perpetual grump" or "worry-wort," etc. Or turn into beef jerky or mush or ???
CA, I have no choice in matters (like you) here. I am ALONE and need to just try and keep myself from plummenting into a depression that I can not come out of. I don't even have any cousins. I sometimes keep the tv on just to have noise. There's not much I can do to "change" the way things are. I'm not a social creature. Never have been. I was happy with just Earl and I. 99.99% of my "social life" is right here on C-D. *sigh* That's a rotten way to live but live it I must. I try to keep my mind off Earl and my "aloness" during the day but when my head hits the pillow, I don't do such a good job of it. I try not to feel sorry for myself by just ignoring life around me. I've become very insular but don't feel like I'm "drying up" or turning to "jerky" as you say. I feel like I just "AM". I don't relish the alternative. I'm not ready anymore.
Tami..I can relate. My cousin lives 4 states away and I don't have any family left here in the West. And I've never been a "social butterfly" either..Like you mentioned..I try to avoid getting stuck in depression...Didn't mean to be offensive by using terms like beef jerky or petrified wood, etc...I try to lift my spirits (or "rescue myself") through my odd-ball sense of humor. (At times.)...When I wrote my original post I felt like my husband was the one who put "petrified wood" in my head. All I thought about was beef jerky...I honestly believe that some of my humor and "off the wall" comments come from my husband and sons. But ??...We all used humor to stay upbeat. And in balance.
You weren't offensive by any means, CA! Yes, trying to keep my sense of humor is tough with just me, myself and I! The birds and cat just don't "get it"! LOL (I use youse guys.)
Tami...I think my cats hope I'll come back to "life" and become more "playful" again...I try! I definitely try!...Right now I'm tired from my move...Need to find a way to "cut loose" and "kick-up" my "heels" and get "nutty!"...My (younger) son used the term "nutty!" He always had a way of making me laugh no matter what!...I really do think that my loved ones put "nutty thoughts" or phrases in my head every so often to make me laugh. Do you ever feel like you "hear" from Earl?
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Tami, as an only child and a natural "hermit", I found it really hard to be social. It's gotten a lot better, but, there is no one here who is a true girlfriend. I'm friends with one woman, older than me, and married. I'm "wave or say hi" acquaintenances to a few people, but no one I'd invite over or who'd invite me over.
My oldest daughter lives in Atlanta with her hubby and four kids; my younger daughter still lives in Kansas, oldest son and wife are in San Antonio, and my youngest just moved into his own apartment (kicking and screaming) in Tucson (I'm in a suburb north of Tucson). I'm alone for the first time in my life. It's really hard to adjust to, and, having the house to myself makes me realize this is what Bob and I bought this condo for--empty nesting and retiring--and it hurts that I'm finally there and he's not here to share it. It makes me mad that he left and we don't get to enjoy just us like we planned. I feel let down...
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The birds and cat just don't "get it"! LOL (I use youse guys.) 
