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My sister never went to see our grandmother who lived 20 miles from her in 20 years but she got upset with me when I told her not to go to the funeral. Why not see someone before they pass away what good is it if you wait until that person is dead? I have family members who I never talk to I don't plan on going to their funerals. Funerals are about the living grieving not the dead who could careless if you come or not.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida
There are all kinds of reasons to go to funerals - one of which is to be supportive to the living.
Exactly. Even if you haven't seen the deceased in 20 years, if you do see their family and friends, it's supportive and respectful to go. If you can't or won't go, a sympathy card is better than ignoring the whole thing.
Exactly. Even if you haven't seen the deceased in 20 years, if you do see their family and friends, it's supportive and respectful to go. If you can't or won't go, a sympathy card is better than ignoring the whole thing.
Supportive and respectful is the answer even when one does not want to be, one should be.
My sister never went to see our grandmother who lived 20 miles from her in 20 years but she got upset with me when I told her not to go to the funeral. Why not see someone before they pass away what good is it if you wait until that person is dead? I have family members who I never talk to I don't plan on going to their funerals. Funerals are about the living grieving not the dead who could careless if you come or not.
You go to funerals to support the people who had the direct loss, this is either your mother or your father. Regardless of how old they are it is devastating when you lose a parent, especially when you're close.
While I can understand your anger, and shame on your sister. You go to support those who suffered the direct loss.
I'm sure others will be thinking what you're saying, but unless your mother or father(depending on whose mother passed) says anything, you need to let it go.
I think about people I want to see I call them from time to time before they die let them know I care about them. Later I felt bad about what I said to her, but my grandmother really didn't want to see her after all those years I spoke to her about it 3 months before she died. She said my sister only came around asking for money I told her well you know my sister kind of have to accept the way she is and she got all angry about it. I suspect my sister wanted to come around to try and get things from my grandmothers house. I had nothing to do with her things my uncle her son was in charge of all that I didn't want anything. Also when my grandfather passed away in 2005 she did show up for that funeral high as a kite and stumbling around. I didn't want that repeated.
Maybe this isn't the correct forum for this kind of rant. I just wish people not let so much time pass before loved ones pass away before talking to going to see them.
As a former member of the clergy, it sounds to me like you would benefit from talking through your anger at your sister--perhaps with a professional. As much as you want to "protect" your grandmother from your sister's neglect, you aren't her "guardian," and you are even less so now. Certainly, you can't control who goes to your grandmother's funeral--nor should you. You're overfunctioning to try and do so (as many people do at funerals). In the end, funerals ARE for the living--not the dead. And not just for those who were closest to your grandmother. There is no rule which says that one is allowed to go to a funeral, or should go to a funeral, under certain circumstances, and only under those circumstances. Your sister can go for someone who is at the funeral. She can go for herself. Give her some slack. You don't know what is going on in her heart and mind. She may have reasons--real or perceived--that she has been distant from your grandmother, which you don't know or understand. She may need to go--for herself or for another person who is there.
Instead of focusing on her rights, or your rights, or your grandmother's rights--and the past--focus on the present. Take the opportunity, if you are able, and ready, to speak with your sister. Bite your tongue from any criticism, and listen to her--really listen. You may find that the funeral is a place of healing, for you both.
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