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Old 05-25-2017, 11:08 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,841 posts, read 51,286,023 times
Reputation: 27653

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OK, I get that you have grief for your gran, I understand that you have a f*cked up family. If you are praying for death, you have other issues going on. While I can empathize, I cannot sympathize. Most of us in this forum have gone through some very wrenching experiences. Some of us have gone through multiple such traumas. We have the knowledge that only comes from personal experience.

You talk about wanting death - what if, as in Buddhist belief, you get re-incarnated, and because you didn't live out the experience of this life you have that added burden in the next? Even if the chance is only 1 in 100, do you want to take that chance? Very simply, you can do a death without all that baggage by ditching your malfunctioning family, calling that part of your life dead, and starting a new life with the wisdom you have from the experience of the old one.

I'm not about to contribute to any pity when I know that working with a counselor can fairly quickly allow you to reframe and get to a better place.
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Old 05-25-2017, 12:42 PM
 
3,448 posts, read 1,491,488 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
OK, I get that you have grief for your gran, I understand that you have a f*cked up family. If you are praying for death, you have other issues going on. While I can empathize, I cannot sympathize. Most of us in this forum have gone through some very wrenching experiences. Some of us have gone through multiple such traumas. We have the knowledge that only comes from personal experience.

You talk about wanting death - what if, as in Buddhist belief, you get re-incarnated, and because you didn't live out the experience of this life you have that added burden in the next? Even if the chance is only 1 in 100, do you want to take that chance? Very simply, you can do a death without all that baggage by ditching your malfunctioning family, calling that part of your life dead, and starting a new life with the wisdom you have from the experience of the old one.

I'm not about to contribute to any pity when I know that working with a counselor can fairly quickly allow you to reframe and get to a better place.
I did see a counselor and they had the opinion that my grandma manipulated me by stealing my time and career chances to get her needs in old age met. Basically, they felt like she abused me and gaslit me into a codependent relationship. She raised me but never cut off my mom and never adopted me nor got any child support so she would guilt me for the financial impact I caused but not go after the people who should be guilted. The therapist also felt that giving POA to people who had a habit of shadiness instead of me or my md uncle is another instance of abuse.
I read lots of threads here where the person wants to be with the deceased. I think it's pretty normal, especially if you don't have kids or something else that forces you to participate in life.
Anyway, I don't need your pity. Forget I even wrote this thread.
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Old 05-25-2017, 12:45 PM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,048,548 times
Reputation: 10739
Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
They used their POA to steal the house. It's a long complicated story. There is legal action I could take but it's for the best just to put it behind me. They are very bad people and if I was to engage with them, it'd be a joy to them. Besides, they have no problem lying to courts. My brother is an arsonist, my mom is like the woman Robert Blake killed (she cons men). In the long run, I'm probably better off. I'm just mad at myself cuz I tend to get screwed bc I don't think like them and I'm constantly blindsided. My uncle is like "what do you expect? She's been terrible to you since you were born? You're surprised she stole it? Etc"
It's for the best that I stay here bc I have a good job with a pension which I really need bc I spent a lot of time helping my grandma instead of advancing my career (the house was supposed to help with this). I'm lucky that I have a lot of savings and investments so I'll be ok but like I said, I just don't really care what happens to me. As far as I'm concerned, I pray for death. My nephew is a baseball phenom and can use the money for coaches.
Please don't pray for death.I'm sure that is not what your grandmother would have wanted.
PLEASE go get grief counseling asap and start to put your life back together one day at a time one foot in front of the other. Check with a local hospice, they offer grief counseling.

I only lost my husband 3 months ago so I know what grief can do.
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Old 05-25-2017, 01:20 PM
 
Location: Slovakia
275 posts, read 108,515 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
My grandma died 6 months ago and she was essentially my mother. My mom pulled some shady stuff that made me go into survival mode and I couldn't really cry too much for my grandma.
It's just been so hard bc she was the only person I really loved. I'm from Indiana but I got stuck in New York. I have my dad here (not her kid) but it's just not the same. He's kind of moody but my grandma was so lovely. I just feel so alone. I have an uncle (her son) in St. Louis and we've always been close. He feels really bad for me bc my mom stole my house and I got stuck here. Luckily, I have a good job but I really miss my grandma, I miss my house, I miss my community. I really don't have a reason to go back but I don't have a reason to be here except the job.
I feel so invisible bc no one understands me like her and vice versa. I don't even think I care to be in the world without her. Most of the stuff I do was for her and the truth is that I don't really care what happens to me. I pray everyday that I don't wake up.
I just don't belong anywhere
Hello friend. Sorry for your loss. I dont have hard stuff in my life like you, but ive lost both my grandpas in last 3 years. Ive miss them every single day. Be the person which she would be proud of.
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Old 05-25-2017, 04:17 PM
 
155 posts, read 87,238 times
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"As far as I'm concerned, I pray for death."

Many people do so, its good that you can admit as much. As you know, there is no answer "out there" on the interwebs or anywhere else. It's only inside you.

"I'll be better once I embrace the fact that I live here and start opening up to people."

Ditto, move on. Honestly, how close you were to your grandma strikes me as very dependent and a bit much for an adult. So, it seems as though she filled some void for you and now you're just upset because you never really had to face the music so to speak and now you have no choice.

Death is the best opportunity to grow.
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Old 05-25-2017, 04:29 PM
 
4,804 posts, read 1,351,350 times
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I know, it's tough. It's something that probably most people go through, when they lose the person, often a parent, who knew them best.

You just have to remember that one of the things I'm sure she wanted for you, was for you to be happy, and to do your best to have a satisfying life. So you do the best you can, partly to honor her and her memory. Maybe you might want to seek out a therapist or counselor. And gradually you try to create your own community, with new friends.

Good luck.
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Old 05-25-2017, 04:52 PM
 
3,448 posts, read 1,491,488 times
Reputation: 6050
Quote:
Originally Posted by weiwuwei View Post
"As far as I'm concerned, I pray for death."

Many people do so, its good that you can admit as much. As you know, there is no answer "out there" on the interwebs or anywhere else. It's only inside you.

"I'll be better once I embrace the fact that I live here and start opening up to people."

Ditto, move on. Honestly, how close you were to your grandma strikes me as very dependent and a bit much for an adult. So, it seems as though she filled some void for you and now you're just upset because you never really had to face the music so to speak and now you have no choice.

Death is the best opportunity to grow.
We were codependent but I wasn't like some cat lady in the basement never getting laid. It wasn't grey gardens/Baby Jane. I liked it with her.
The main issue was that I put her needs ahead of mine and disregarded the warnings my uncle gave me that one day she'd be dead and I'd be screwed. I thought he was being cold but he was right. The problem is that every time I wanted to move on, she'd cry and I'd feel really bad for her bc no one but me helped her. Then I left for a bit and my mom stole my house so ...
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Old 05-25-2017, 04:59 PM
 
4,804 posts, read 1,351,350 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
We were codependent but I wasn't like some cat lady in the basement never getting laid. It wasn't grey gardens/Baby Jane. I liked it with her.
The main issue was that I put her needs ahead of mine and disregarded the warnings my uncle gave me that one day she'd be dead and I'd be screwed. I thought he was being cold but he was right. The problem is that every time I wanted to move on, she'd cry and I'd feel really bad for her bc no one but me helped her. Then I left for a bit and my mom stole my house so ...
Well, don't think of it as being "screwed." Think of it as being in a common situation where you have to pull yourself together and move on eventually. Your difficulty was that you mentioned it to her, and of course scared and saddened her.

You sound as though you may be a kind and warm-hearted person. So, pull yourself up, talk to a counselor if you like, and I'm sure there will be room in your heart for new people in your life.
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Old 05-25-2017, 05:01 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,237 posts, read 15,024,326 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
I am trying my best especially regarding the things my mom did to me. My grandma wouldn't want me to stoop to their level. She'd want me to act like it's no skin off my nose. The truth is that it really screwed up my life but I don't tell anyone.
I'm trying my best but I spent so much of my life with her and no one really knows me like she did. It's the little, stupid things like if either of us was out, we'd ask the other if they wanted food. We always say no, but we'd always know to bring something. Now, if I say no, no one brings food. That's what I mean about knowing someone. The other thing is my dad has been married since a few months before I was born and he's close to her relatives. So he is a good dad to me but he has another life and I'm not invited to it. Every holiday, he's with them and I'm alone. I was ok with it bc I thought I would be going home eventually but my grandma died and I have no home to go back to. I just hate the idea that this is my future.
I guess I sound like a baby. I'll be better once I embrace the fact that I live here and start opening up to people.
Well, basically you lost your Mother (as Grandma functioned like your Mom) and that's a very hard thing to cope with.


My Mother and I fought like cats and dogs ~ until my son was born and then she was such a good Grandma and loved him so much - we became close. My son loved her too and she died when he was 6. My first real 'death' as in not an aunt or uncle - this was my Mom.


I had a very, very tough time dealing with it that first year. We had a pool and I remember swimming alone of an evening wondering what would happen if I just held my breath - forever.


Holidays were AWFUL because my Mom was the holidays. She was the one who did the big dinners, invited the extended family, etc and it felt like we all just drifted apart after she died.


My mother was the ONE person I could talk to who loved my son as much as I did. I would call her every night and she was so excited to hear what Matt had done that day.


Anyhoo, I feel your pain. I did end up going for counseling for a very long time and we had to make 'new memories' for the holidays and sometimes my son and I spent Christmas Day alone. And we learned to enjoy it if that was the case. I remember the first time we went to the movies on Christmas day (only losers do that I thought) and 3/4 of the town was there!


So yes, you will have to start opening up to people. I've also made friends that were as close to me as family.


It may take time especially while you are grieving but you will need to do that. Be kind to yourself now.
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Old 05-25-2017, 05:15 PM
 
Location: NC
4,529 posts, read 7,034,062 times
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OP - I get you feeling as you described, and I am sorry for your loss and that you have such a messed up family. As to your grandmother and the comment from the counselor, know that often family love to the extent they are capable. Problems like you describe can be multi-generational. But they can be overcome with work.


As to the poster HarryChickpea, he seems to want to help you snap out of it; it's not a mean spirited post, please understand this. People post because they care (for the most part).


It sounds like you can make a good life for yourself and have so far, congrats on that. What many people find in situations like yours is that they need to replace the loss of family with good friends who they've found are there for them more than their family has been. This might seem impossible or unachievable, but if you work at it, you could find genuine, meaningful relationships which mean more to you than what you've had so far. You could try to make new friends via MeetUp. There are many people in similar situations to you and in need of a friend (like you) who understands their pain. I would focus on that if I were you. Other than you dying, or waking up unhappy each day wishing you hadn't woken up, you have no other options than to work to change your life - choose to make a better life. You have to change your behavior if you want to change your life. I would still consider counseling. You might have to try out different ones until you find the right match. Also, I think there are also groups for folks who have experienced dysfunctional childhoods, maybe you could find one nearby?


With a lot of hard work on yourself, you could have the most amazing rich life 5 years from now. One last thing, not meaning to be preachy or attempt to convert you or put pressure on you, but have you tried prayer? An earnest conversation with God. If you do not believe, then my apologies. But if you are open to the possibility, try it. You may well be quite surprised at how your life can change. `Good luck to you, and again, I am so sorry for what you to deal with and for your loss.
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