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Ridiculous expectations and travel advances aside.... emotions run strong when someone dies at home and you can't be there.
I typed a few snarktastic responses, but changed my mind. Point is, somebody at home died, I was very emotional, and I wanted to share the experience with people who might not have thought of that. I didn't expect to be comparing my expectations with the flipping pilgrims.
I think I'm pretty open minded about Hawaii. I love it and appreciate it here. That doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt, or that someone else's won't if they find themselves in the same situation. And thinking about how much harder people before me had it really doesn't apply when someone is DEAD. The heart doesn't care about unrealistic travel expectations, it just doesn't.
"dies at home and you can't be there" Well, obviously Hawaii isn't "home" for you and that can make a big difference. If you are away from home and aren't there when someone passes on it is different than if you are home and someone far away (physically, not emotionally) passes on and you weren't there to see them before they went. On one hand, it is sort of your fault that you weren't at home when they needed them, however, if you are already home, then it's not really your fault for being so far away.
A friend flew to the East Coast earlier this week because a childhood friend is dying. The plane tickets were really expensive since it couldn't be planned in advance and now he is stuck in Phoenix since the plane ran late and he missed his connecting flight. Hopefully he will make it back in time for Christmas. These sorts of things are what happens when you live on a rock 2,500 miles away from everywhere else.
Unfortunately this is the choice one makes for living in the Aloha State. But I really felt isolated when I lived in Adelaide, Australia. Now talk about distance. I had family in Honolulu, the Bay Area, Texas, North Carolina and the UK. It was tough and I did not see them for at least a year as my sisters can't drag their kids and husbands down under very easily. I did all the flying, got to enjoy the jet lag and confusion about crossing the date line, and last I saw my cute 9 year old who loved the koala backpack I sent her, she had turned into a challenging teenager!
"dies at home and you can't be there" Well, obviously Hawaii isn't "home" for you and that can make a big difference.
Yeah, I think this is a really good insight.
There is nowhere else I consider "home". There's "where my mom / dad /sister lives". But no one in my family lives anywhere near where I grew up, so I have much more attachment to this place than to any of those places. I have my home here, and they have their homes far away. I try to get there if there is some reason to do so. But it doesn't break my heart if I can't.
We have family in Kentucky,Iraq, Alabama, Texas, Arizona, California, New York, New Hampshire, France, Germany, China and Portugal- these are children, grandchildren, parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces/nephews and other 'close family'.
Chances are that wherever we lived we would be 'far' from close family members. People die- it happens and it is very sad- but I by far prefer to live here in Hawaii. It all depends upon what an individual is comfortable with. I cannot travel very easily in any case (due to multiple disabilities) so even a 'trip' across the same State might not be 'doable' for us, since people do not plan their illness and deaths around my health issues...
Hotzcatz wrote: Obviously Hawaii isn't "home" for you
Of course one person can have a home in two places! My roots run deep in the city where I grew up, the city on the mainland. When I'm on Maui, I call that city "back home." When I'm in that city, like I was for Thanksgiving 2009, I call Maui "back home."
Saying you can have only one home is like saying you can have only one best friend, or only one family, or only one spouse... meaning... My husband and I are best friends. If I died tomorrow, and he remarried, I would expect him to move on. He would honor my memory, and everything we had together. He would also honor his current wife. He would have two wives he loved very much. Of course it's possible!
Dear kmcd:
I can relate to what you write. People who don't live here just don't get it.
And, MEN don't get it in the same way women do. A man finds ALOT of his self-worth, his identity, and his value in his job. If he's got a job in Hawai'i that he likes, he's satisfied. A woman finds her self-worth in building relationships with other people, finds her identity in raising her family, finds her value in having wonderful friends. We're hard-wired to build relationships, that's what we do. When a woman has a strong family, friends, community, then she's at peace. Guys often just don't get that about women.
I'm one of those people that appreciates the distance from relatives I don't speak to anyway. And gender stereotypes are both ridiculous and have nothing to do with whether you have a good family that is nice to be around or not; I know many other women who don't need to be around the people who they grew up with, who find sufficient community and friends here, or are just loners and are fine with that.
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And, MEN don't get it in the same way women do. A man finds ALOT of his self-worth, his identity, and his value in his job. If he's got a job in Hawai'i that he likes, he's satisfied. A woman finds her self-worth in building relationships with other people, finds her identity in raising her family, finds her value in having wonderful friends. We're hard-wired to build relationships, that's what we do. When a woman has a strong family, friends, community, then she's at peace. Guys often just don't get that about women.
This is patently ridiculous. People are different. Women are often socialized to care more about family / people /relationships than career / success. But for some of us, it didn't take, I guess.
And, MEN don't get it in the same way women do. A man finds ALOT of his self-worth, his identity, and his value in his job. If he's got a job in Hawai'i that he likes, he's satisfied. A woman finds her self-worth in building relationships with other people, finds her identity in raising her family, finds her value in having wonderful friends. We're hard-wired to build relationships, that's what we do. When a woman has a strong family, friends, community, then she's at peace. Guys often just don't get that about women.
i have an example about this, almost all my uncles(who married the women in my family) are all from the mainland and have taken into our family.
And remember that guy who fell into the alawai a couple years ago? Him and his GF moved to hawaii, and guess who decided to stay here?
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