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Raising my children with unconditional love was the valentine that I gave to myself. It raised my self-esteem in untold ways.
What I tried to do was the opposite of whatever it was that my parents did. There were a few things that were beneficial such as making sure I had braces, lessons, summer camp, trips to museums. Of course, this was for the benefit of the neighbors, co-workers and family but it was still a positive for me. So I took away the good and left the bad.
By the way, OP, do not hesitate to pat yourself on the back, give yourself a hug, be proud of yourself. It took decades to understand that but when I did things drastically changed for me.
It is incredibly ironic that adult children of narcissists immediately put all the blame on themselves. The original post oozes with self-loathing. It is time for that to stop and start taking inventory of your positive traits. This is going to feel so very wrong to you because it goes against what you've been told your entire life. Ignore that feeling and keep going.
Smalltownusa, my father was brutal. I walked on eggshells because you never knew when he would go off. And my mother would make up stuff about me, just to get attention. In other words, as a small child I never knew when my dad would come home and my mother was chomping at the bit to tell him I misbehaved, even though it never happened, just to watch the fallout.
I waited my entire life for something bad to happen to those people. Now my mother is going blind and seems to be well on her way to getting Alzheimers. My father just seemed vulnerable and old.
And you know what? I feel bad for them. Truly bad for them. I'm absolutely amazed. But not turning out to be like them has been the ultimate revenge.
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Originally Posted by smalltownusa
Bravo to this post !!!!!!!!! It feels soooooo good to "hear" someone describe what your life was like and know we are not alone.....
I'm also in my 50s and it took an unprecedented amount of self examination to unknot the twisted mess in my own head after a childhood of "you're the problem; not me" when, intuitively, I knew I wasn't.....
One trait that is extemely strong in children of narcissists is the power of observation: we watched every little move of our "loved" one and knew, instinctively, when they were acting and it made us sick.....but call them on it and they turned on you like a viper and you're left confused as you battle with loving the person who hurts you the most.....it's a sad tale but OP, please take some solace in the fact that you're still young and able to make the break needed or at least learn how to build the stength to be connected to your mother yet emotionally strong enough to jump out of her path when she goes on the attack.....
My mother is in her 90s, is in a nursing home, has lost most of her faculties and what little good I received from her has pretty much diminished into a foggy memory.....sad, but my restitution was to break the cycle of fake love with my own kids....it has not been easy but certainly worth it....suffice it to say, it's difficult to be an architect without any blue prints....that's what parenting has been for me as a daughter of a narcissist...
Most importantly, remember: it is not us; it's them....
I have been going to a therapist...as we delved into my family life it became apparent to her that my mother was narcissistic. I just a fear that this is some kind of genetic disorder that I'm never going to recover from fully.
It's not a genetic disorder. Personality disorders develop through learned behavior. It doesn't sound as if you have any of the behaviors of someone who would be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
From the DSM-IV: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated byfive (ormore) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
And you know what? I feel bad for them. Truly bad for them. I'm absolutely amazed. But not turning out to be like them has been the ultimate revenge.
Funny, as I see my mother slip away slowly due to dementia, I feel sorry for her too but in an odd, distant manner.
But I have come to terms with the fact she did what her brain chemical make-up, moreorless, directed her to do. That doesn't justify it but more like categorizes it into "my mother had a personality disorder" ......
And that freeing moment when I recognized that my mother was a narcissist spiraled into "But am I???????" That single thought paralyzed me for years; coercing me into thinking I too was a selfish monster who stole all my kids thunder.....
When they got older and I feared I had contaminated them with my mothering, I wanted them to go far away from me as adults; away from my poisonious ways and find connections with others in a healthy manner....
It's only been over the last few years I have accepted the fact that my kids think I was a GOOD mom (even typing that sentence makes my throat tighten ) Oh I made my mistakes and no doubt there are small degrees of semi-narcissitic similarities that surfaced by just the fact that that's all I knew. But I did not make them shadows of myself that only came to the forefront if they made me shine brighter and all 4 are happy, engaging, interesting people who are building futures for themselves and I sit back and watch them and say to myself, "I think I have broken the chain...." Time will tell!
Wow I'm getting way to carried away here; too much about me......
Suffice it to say, many of us suffered under the guise of malignant love as it's often referred to and only as adults have found the "cure"....
I hope the OP is getting something out of all these posts the least being hope....
Last edited by Fallingwater79; 07-14-2011 at 08:30 PM..
I wanted them to go far away from me as adults; away from my poisonious ways and find connections with others in a healthy manner....
I did that. I had no self-esteem, typical of adult children of narcissists. And others took advantage of it in an enormous way. Exploitative people can see us coming from a mile away, much like a lion on the hunt, following the sick animal that lags behind.
It was my youngest that changed my life. For whatever reason she just wanted me, no matter what anyone told her. She insisted on it. And slowly I started believe I was a good mother and eventually a person of worth.
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I hope the OP is getting something out of all these posts the least being hope....
I DM'd him just in case he didn't come back to this thread.
I have no idea how I stumbled upon this thread but I'm throwing it under the "Meant to be" category.
I did that. I had no self-esteem, typical of adult children of narcissists. And others took advantage of it in an enormous way. Exploitative people can see us coming from a mile away, much like a lion on the hunt, following the sick animal that lags behind.
It was my youngest that changed my life. For whatever reason she just wanted me, no matter what anyone told her. She insisted on it. And slowly I started believe I was a good mother and eventually a person of worth.
I DM'd him just in case he didn't come back to this thread.
I have no idea how I stumbled upon this thread but I'm throwing it under the "Meant to be" category.
I 2nd that....I came upon this thread in the most round about of ways only to find so many others walking the same path...it was like one of those real cool "Uh-Huh..." moments which I've learned not to ignore: when I trip across them, I do not slouth
them off as unintended anymore but actually another link in the circle of healing...
And it was my youngest who also enlightened me: he's quite a bit younger than his siblings so we had him with us alone for years....once, as we discussed what path he thought he'd take in life and college came up, I told him "You're a smart kid and college is an expected from us (2 barely finished hs parents that we are) so you don't end up a loser like me..." He looked at me with a stunned face as though I had slapped him and said "Mom, what do you mean, a loser like you, you're not a loser....." He was truly in shock I referred to myself like that.....I think of it often when that little voice in my head likes to beat me down......
The unadulterated vision of a child....
Last edited by Fallingwater79; 07-15-2011 at 02:04 PM..
In a very simple way. You are either expressing love or fear. If it isn't loving then it is the other. People who are fearful are in need of help and usually they ask for it in different ways.
Behavior, motivation and intent are 2 different things. There is a tremendous amt of fear in the world. It is taught everywhere. Certainly need to practice more of the "loving" stuff.
Children are very good teachers of this because they typically are more open and less judgmental.
OP, I can only echo (no pun intended) the wonderful insights already offered on this thread. Hugs to you as you continue to work your way through the mess of having a narcissistic pd parent. Based on your post, it does not seem like you have npd and you surely can work through any traits you might have as you introspect and seek input from others. It's normal to have some traits when you grow up with an npd parent. Definitely be gentle with yourself, and focus on all the good in you! Your goodness comes through in your post.
I also wanted to thank everyone for their posts on this thread. My mother has npd and although I cut contact with her more than two years ago, her minions (aka the rest of our family) still pop into my life periodically to do her bidding. It has been happening a lot lately and yesterday there was a particularly toxic and bothersome phone conversation with one of my aunts. It left me feeling "icky" for lack of a better word the entire day. I know I should let this stuff roll off my back, but it still gets to me, especially when caught off guard.
Then I spontaneously went to the mental health forum (which I never do!) last night and found this thread. It was exactly what I needed. It helped me feel better about the situation with my mom and family of origin, and offered reassurance about the job I am doing as a mother to my own young children (which I am constantly second guessing). One thing my extended family constantly brings up is how terrible it is that I am denying my kids "the love of their grandmother." In reality that was the breaking point for me - seeing my mother's unhealthy way of relating to my oldest daughter. I decided I could not subject my children to such a pathological relationship, and when my npd mom would not respect boundaries, I cut contact completely.
Does anyone know of any good npd forums, especially with a subforum on n parents? There used to be a really good one that is no longer active. Even though things are okay *most* of the time, there are times when I could really use a little boost from people who understand. Thanks.
OP, I can only echo (no pun intended) the wonderful insights already offered on this thread. Hugs to you as you continue to work your way through the mess of having a narcissistic pd parent. Based on your post, it does not seem like you have npd and you surely can work through any traits you might have as you introspect and seek input from others. It's normal to have some traits when you grow up with an npd parent. Definitely be gentle with yourself, and focus on all the good in you! Your goodness comes through in your post.
I also wanted to thank everyone for their posts on this thread. My mother has npd and although I cut contact with her more than two years ago, her minions (aka the rest of our family) still pop into my life periodically to do her bidding. It has been happening a lot lately and yesterday there was a particularly toxic and bothersome phone conversation with one of my aunts. It left me feeling "icky" for lack of a better word the entire day. I know I should let this stuff roll off my back, but it still gets to me, especially when caught off guard.
Then I spontaneously went to the mental health forum (which I never do!) last night and found this thread. It was exactly what I needed. It helped me feel better about the situation with my mom and family of origin, and offered reassurance about the job I am doing as a mother to my own young children (which I am constantly second guessing). One thing my extended family constantly brings up is how terrible it is that I am denying my kids "the love of their grandmother." In reality that was the breaking point for me - seeing my mother's unhealthy way of relating to my oldest daughter. I decided I could not subject my children to such a pathological relationship, and when my npd mom would not respect boundaries, I cut contact completely.
Does anyone know of any good npd forums, especially with a subforum on n parents? There used to be a really good one that is no longer active. Even though things are okay *most* of the time, there are times when I could really use a little boost from people who understand. Thanks.
marmon:
The breaking from the family of origin is so hard and you often do not get support from others; only the looks of "how could you...", especially when it's your mother. But after years of trying to understand and fit the bill, I came up with a description of how I feel when interacting with my family and when I interact with friends, strangers, coworkers: my family leaves me feeling like I'm drowning; the rest of the world; like I'm walkng in sunshine. And that's when I chose to walk away emotionally with very little contact at all....
I did frequent a npd forum a few years ago aftrer searching narcissistic mothers but I do not have the site available anymore so try searching google and do some investigating for yourself....
I just might set up a forum of this nature at some point. I'll let you all know.
Do you know what I did regarding my family? I told them. I told them everything. I just started really crowing about what really went on in my house.
I was taken out of the house when I was 14 and my parents never got me back. Well, they were pillars of the community -- especially the church -- and they had to scramble. So they made up stories. Wild stories. I have a cousin that swears that they told her I had been driven to a life of prostitution.
Really? At 14? In a town of about 12,000? And about a couple of hours away from a city? So why didn't they just fetch me?
Anyway, the stories were so crazy that I am sure most people didn't believe them but it took years to figure this all out. I had no idea what people thought. And as much as I knew my parents were nuts I had no idea HOW nuts they really were. You don't really come to grips with that stuff until years after.
So essentially they cut me off from the rest of the family. There was always that rift.
So when someone says, "But you are separating the children from the grandmother," you say, "And thank goodness for that. She did enough damage to her own child. I'm responsible for my children and I will not subject them to that."
Tell them.
What a narcissist clings to is that you won't tell. So tell.
And they do not see themselves as they really are. They never will see it. The world is wrong and they are always right.
But if you tell the rest of the world how she really is they will eventually "get" it. Or they won't. In which case, to heck with them.
I have been going to a therapist for a couple years. Initially she just thought I had depression but soon, as we delved into my family life it became apparent to her that my mother was narcissistic. She used to ignore me when I said things, publicly humiliate me in front of my friends, praise me only when I did things that reflected positively on her, and punish me when I did things that reflected on her poorly. She denied my individuality. What I'm really worried about is that I have some of these same narcissistic traits. I seek admiration from people, without even being conscious of it. I used to be so bad that I needed the people around me to love me and I would do anything to get that to happen, including inventing a false persona. I realize now that my therapist must have known that I had narcissistic traits, but I didn't realize it myself until very recently. I have made some progress I think, but I'm worried that this is going to be a life long trait, that I can never fully escape from.
I have no friends, and when I do make friends I tend to drive them away with my mood swings, and unpredictability. I sometimes devalue people if I think they are going to reject me, saying to myself something like, these people didn't earn my respect. I have emotional outbursts at times, and often view people as very threatening. My most recent flings with narcissism was dating a girl that I never really liked that much because I basically wanted to have sex with her. So I'm just wondering, does anyone out there think that I am capable of recovering from this? It seems I get into these modes where I cognitively distort everything, like having ideas of reference, and grandiose thinking, and I can't break out of them easily (my mother used to do this). I just a fear that this is some kind of genetic disorder that I'm never going to recover from fully, and that I'm always going to fall back into.
I read that Narcissist never think they are and that if you think you might be then you definitely aren't. Can your symptoms be attributed to any other kind of disorder like anxiety or bi-polar, etc?
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) Oh I made my mistakes and no doubt there are small degrees of semi-narcissitic similarities that surfaced by just the fact that that's all I knew. But I did not make them shadows of myself that only came to the forefront if they made me shine brighter and all 4 are happy, engaging, interesting people who are building futures for themselves and I sit back and watch them and say to myself, "I think I have broken the chain...." Time will tell! 
