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My dad, God rest his soul, wasn't like my mom. He was the one who reeled her in. I don't think he knew of all he did to us kids..she used to attack him the door with all the horrible things we did during the day and after a long hard day at work he didn't want to listen to her ***** about the kids. She lied. A lot. About a lot of things. Mainly us kids and our behavior and then she'd sit there with a **** eating grin on her face while my dad is "taking care of the kids" My dad wasn't the spanker so it was mainly hollering..but it still hurt because we thought he KNEW she was lying and thought he was going along with her. I learned many yrs later that he had no clue.
she was and is the worst gossip in the world. it got to the point where i could be at the bus stop and a kid of her friend would be repeating all the dirty laundry my mother shared..about her kids..most of which were lies. sigh.
Kim, I swear I thought I was the only one. I really did.
Yeah, it's all well and good to say we are the adult children of narcissists but all the little oddities -- like lying to the father when he came home to watch the kid get punished, and making up stories about the kids to everyone else - this is the same stuff I experienced.
Or the delusional stuff.
Or making it all about them no matter what...
Speaking of which, a very dear friend of mine recently died. He was my first feature interview when I became a reporter. He was just delighted to see I had "made it," and I think he knew about my parents. I had known him as a child because he went to our church. Well, he had a lot to do with the town that I covered and he was also a family physician. Just a wonderful man. My parents use to make fun of him a lot. I'm quite sure they were jealous. Everyone loved the man.
Well, he lived to be in his nineties and he recently died. I called my mother right after she attended the wake and asked her how it went.
"TERRIBLE," she replied.
Gosh, the way she made it sound, I thought maybe there was an accident or someone died.
Nope. There were too many people. It was like she expected people to not attend for her own satisfaction.
The truth is people loved the man. The police had to direct traffic and I was raised in a very small and not very popular church.
I told her, "I guarantee you will get less than a fraction of the turnout."
I really did. I was so upset. I loved that man and quite frankly I had no idea why she even bothered to go.
Once, when my dying father was just home from dialysis (which is the equivalent to having your life wrung out of you) I stopped by as I always did to see how he was doing....this particular day, he asked me to please get him something to eat as my mother hadn't fed him and he was starving....I was so mad I saw red and when I went into her kitchen, she had some church friends over and I was not polite at all to her. She pulled me into the corner and snarls :"Why are you being rude to me in front of my company and I screamed, "Why is my sick father not being fed when he's just home from the hospital!!!!!?????" If her looks could kill.......I was never so disgusted with a person in my life...mother or not
My other stand out selfish Emmy award winning act on my mother's part was as my father layed on his death bed in a hospital, we were all with him, said good night and rushed back up in the morning and he passed a short time later....my mother? She was back home planting fall bulbs knowing he had hours to live.....and I had 3 babies under 4 at the time....
He would have slept on the floor if the tables were turned.....
Her 2nd husband? He got sick and needed some minor extra home care and he said "He can go to a nursing home; I'm not sitting around caring for him..." Her selfishness is the most monumental behavior and it STILL stuns me everytime.....and this woman had 8 kids.....
A round of hugs for all !!!!
Last edited by Fallingwater79; 07-25-2011 at 05:27 PM..
Hip..I know I thought my family was the only one...who knew?? I'm just amazed at how all of our stories are so alike.
I have to be honest...this is the very first time I've ever shared this kind of stuff with total strangers. I mean I have a close girlfriend who knows about my mom and her ways but she doens't know my childhood..hell to the no would I ever share that..it makes me feel like I'm less than a human and not worthy of anything. I know that's not true. I'm a good person. I'm a good mom. I'm a good wife. But sometimes you just feel lower than a piece of dirt. To this day if anyone pays me a compliment I'm very very uncomfortable. Can't accept it for what it is. and that's sad.
I remember one day being at my parents while my dad was still alive..he was still quite ill and he had to go to the bathroom and kept asking for my mom..she was busy out on the patio yakking about how i took over her home and no one is paying attention to her. he's callign to her so she can help him to the bathroom..i was getting pissed..she just wouldn't put the phone down. Thankfully my sil came over and her and I both helped him to the bedside comode ( much to his embarassment) and I held a sheet up so he could have some privacy..my sil was just as pissed as I was..mother still out on the phone. Never in my life did I hate someone as much as I did just then. I made light of it with my dad saying that he took care of me now it's my time to take care of him. Just typing this is raising my blood pressure and heart rate...I have worked so hard to let so much crap go but it's hard. It's hard to be in the same room with someone who hated you for being born.
then there are days where she's somewhat normal. you guys know what I'm talking about. days where you say to yourself "wow, that wasn't bad, I really enjoyed that time with her" They are far and few between but they do happen.
I think i've kept all of this stuff quiet because I didn't think ppl would believe me. I really thought they would think I was the nutty one. My one gf who knows a bit of the story has gone thru this with her mil so we would swap was stories. lol It was nice to have somone understand what you were saying and have them still accept you as a person.
it makes me feel like I'm less than a human and not worthy of anything. I know that's not true. I'm a good person. I'm a good mom. I'm a good wife. But sometimes you just feel lower than a piece of dirt. To this day if anyone pays me a compliment I'm very very uncomfortable. Can't accept it for what it is. and that's sad.
I think i've kept all of this stuff quiet because I didn't think ppl would believe me. I really thought they would think I was the nutty one. My one gf who knows a bit of the story has gone thru this with her mil so we would swap was stories. lol It was nice to have somone understand what you were saying and have them still accept you as a person.
I can so relate to this.
As I've said, I attracted a couple of real jerks because of the way I was and my family background. Not always, but a lot of the time.
And then because I had no family to back me up I went into a death spiral, almost. I went through a brutal divorce and hey, he knew that even though I came from money I wasn't going to have their backing. He had a field day.
By the time I met my current husband I had been through the wringer and had lost everything that I ever had. And I do mean everything.
I am convinced that my youngest child snapped me out of my self-hatred. There was something about her. My current husband loved to slam me and I was buying into it like I always did. But that little girl wanted her mama and there was no changing her mind. I'm quite sure that he and his mother would have tried to make a move but somehow I snapped out of it and came to my senses.
I think I realized that they were such horrible people and my daughter deserved better. And then it dawned on me that I was better than them. What a novel idea!
Once I gained self-esteem there was no stopping me. I have grown so much in the past six years that I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself. It is so darn hard to love yourself when no one else will. But you have to know that you were put on this planet to do good. I really believe this. If we can all just positively touch someone our lives become worth something. Our lives do have meaning and we are absolutely worthy of good.
My biggest revenge against my parents?
Not being them.
My mother is surely in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Maybe farther along than that. And I will take care of her. Not because she deserves it. But because I am that good of a person and I could never be her.
I think once you realize that you are NOT them the tide turns. It really does.
I think i've kept all of this stuff quiet because I didn't think ppl would believe me.
This is very true.
There are only a couple of people in this world that know that my mother said her coworkers were poisoning her. You can't walk around telling people that. Or that your mother would tell your father that you misbehaved just for kicks. They will think you are the nut.
The stories of how these women responded to their ailing husbands is awful, although not at all surprising .
One of my mom's ex-husbands died from cancer a few years ago. I asked her how it impacted her and she said "I'm just glad I wasn't the one who had to deal with it."
Any time I needed any kind of medical care my mom made it all about her. When I was six years old it was recommended that my eyes be checked. It turned out that my vision was extremely poor. My mom spent the next 25 years reminding me of how much that experience traumatized her. Then when I was 22 I was put on a ventilator because of an asthma attack that nearly killed me. My mom was the center of attention the entire time I was on the ventilator. She never left my side - until I woke up. The moment people started focusing on me instead of her, she left so fast it would make your head spin. After I was out of the hospital she went on and on about what she had been through. She was sleep deprived, she missed her class at the community college, she had to pay her employees overtime so they could cover her while she was at the hospital, she had to keep track of so many things at the hospital. To listen to her you'd think SHE was the one who had almost died. There was never a moment where she thought of me or how it impacted me. Never a moment where she expressed relief or happiness at my recovery. All she ever said to me was "don't you EVER do that to me again." Nice...thanks mom!
As I've said, I attracted a couple of real jerks because of the way I was and my family background. Not always, but a lot of the time.
And then because I had no family to back me up I went into a death spiral, almost. I went through a brutal divorce and hey, he knew that even though I came from money I wasn't going to have their backing. He had a field day.
By the time I met my current husband I had been through the wringer and had lost everything that I ever had. And I do mean everything.
I am convinced that my youngest child snapped me out of my self-hatred. There was something about her. My current husband loved to slam me and I was buying into it like I always did. But that little girl wanted her mama and there was no changing her mind. I'm quite sure that he and his mother would have tried to make a move but somehow I snapped out of it and came to my senses.
I think I realized that they were such horrible people and my daughter deserved better. And then it dawned on me that I was better than them. What a novel idea!
Once I gained self-esteem there was no stopping me. I have grown so much in the past six years that I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself. It is so darn hard to love yourself when no one else will. But you have to know that you were put on this planet to do good. I really believe this. If we can all just positively touch someone our lives become worth something. Our lives do have meaning and we are absolutely worthy of good.
My biggest revenge against my parents?
Not being them.
My mother is surely in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Maybe farther along than that. And I will take care of her. Not because she deserves it. But because I am that good of a person and I could never be her.
I think once you realize that you are NOT them the tide turns. It really does.
Such an inspirational and positive post! Thank you...
My mom is a pathological liar too. Often times about stupid things. One memory that stands out from my childhood was at a family gathering. In hushed tones my mom told one of her sisters that our my great-grandfather had colon cancer. I remember this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach, thinking he was going to die. Later that night my grandmother confronted my mother and asked why she had said this to my aunt. My mom said "I never said that. You know how (aunt) is, mentirosa" (spanish for liar). I remember feeling completely perplexed as to why my mom would make up a such a horrible lie, and then turn around and accuse her sister of being the liar.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kim in FL
We had no boundries growing up. none. we didn't know we did anything wrong until she went ape **** on us.
Yup. My mom too! As far as boundaries - forget about it. My mom literally stole from me. She would write checks out of my checkbook to pay her bills, and wouldn't tell me about it. She also kept my bank statements from me, so I had no way of knowing. Then I would bounce checks because the balance was lower as a result of her doing this, and she would turn around and lecture me for being irresponsible . Talk about head games!
There was no warning of punishment to come either. I would be in the middle of doing something and she would out of the blue just smack me. One night I was sleeping and she dragged me out of bed by my hair and beat the crap out of me. Another time I was at school (it was after school), and as I rounded a corner she snuck up behind me and grabbed my hair and dragged me behind a building where she spent the next hour being extremely cruel. I never saw it coming...it was always a surprise attack. No wonder I'm so jumpy to this day .
Reading each of your stories has been an emotional experience for me. I feel a kinship with each of you.
I found out that I came from an NPD family about ten years ago. Although I studied Psychology in college, I never knew exactly what my parents were. I just knew that being around them made me feel bad about myself. In the case of my father who is alive, it still does.
We were an upper middle class family. From the outside everything looked great! We traveled, took dance lessons, acting lessons, had a beautiful well decorated house, an inground pool and my parents drove luxury cars. The American Dream.
This is what made me feel crazy : All of my friends just loved my parents! When friends visited, my mom literally tried to "take them away" from me! When people were around, she was warm and engaging, empathetic and funny. She didn't just talk - she listened.
Has anyone else had this experience? This further isolated me. My own friends thought that I was exaggerating. " But you mom is So nice and so cool!
When it came time to choose a college, my mother wanted me to attend her Alma Mater. I was not interested because it had been a women's college and although it had recently become co-ed, there were still very few men. I just wanted a normal college experience.
Somehow I won this argument and I went to the college of my choice.But I paid for it, emotionally. The entire four years she refused to visit! When I came home from school, she was disinterested in my course work and my social life. She called me a "*****" for wanting to attend a co-ed school.
My father is no better. His latest antic is admonishing me for not being home when he calls - which is rarely. He brags constantly about his second wife and his son, my 1/2 brother, who still lives at home. He is 29. I was thrown out by my father and when I was 21. Four days after my mother died.
I don't have a relationship with either of my sisters. One has BPD and the other is a malignant narcissist.
It would be nice to have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. These people have lured me back several times, only to repeat the same mind games, entitled behavior and demands for adoration and pity. I am better off without them.
I hear you guys about the issues of badmouthing other people. My mother has told me so much about our other family members over the years that I really didn't need to know (and sometimes she'll deny she said certain things). How do I feel now? I feel like in a way she's ruined me for relationships because I'll always worry that I'll get cheated on. I also feel like I'm carrying around a heavy load of crap that I can't seem to drop no matter what I do. I don't know why she felt the need to do that to me. The first time this happened was when I was really young like, in elementary school, and she told me "I'm telling you your uncle smokes pot because him and your aunt are probably telling their kid that I'm an alcoholic."
The stories have gone waaay downhill since then. The worst thing I hate though, the effing worst, is the way she'll get on a roll about how my little cousins "won't amount to anything because all they do is sit and play video games all the time". That's pretty low, slugging on someone's KIDS like that. WTF is the point of people doing this??? I really want to move away too.
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