Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm almost 50 and I finally blasted my father, last week. He had a temper tantrum in my house and I put him in his place. I was terrified. This is the man that beat me for years. Granted, he's 75 and I can kick his butt but it's hard to get over those psychological hurdles.
Start with not caring what the cashier thinks. Then the neighbors down the street. Then the ones next door. Then the other parents. Then work on the family members. Maybe start with the distant cousins. Especially the ones you never liked anyway.
I think once I finally came to grips with the idea that people will talk no matter what I started worrying what other people thought. I have value and I'm a darned nice person. I'm not perfect but heck, I'm not my parents and I deserve a huge pat on the back for coming through that and not being a giant tool. Or a serial killer.
Seriously though, we all have our faults. Anyone that is constantly judging you, picking you apart, is not worth it.
My last marriage was probably the last straw. I have a husband that is emotionally abusive. I think he said one too many things far too many times and I finally turned around and really started looking at him. That's when I realized the most judgmental people are the ones with the most flaws and the least amount of self-esteem.
Look at it this way, what is the worse that can happen by you putting someone in their place? Does it mean a big jerk won't ever talk to you again? Sounds like a big positive to me!
But don't feel bad. At 34 I still cared what people thought and had a tough time not being taken advantage of. I guess eventually you get old and mean enough to not ever worry about it.
It's funny. I still love people. And I play well with others. But don't cross me. I think once adult child abuse survivors find their voice they can be a bit scary. I think nothing of putting someone in their place. It comes with time and practice.
Regarding the fibromyalgia, I think it had more to do with thyroid issues and possibly low magnesium and potassium. I'm doing better. Thank you.
YES! That is such a good description!!! Interactions with my family are completely draining, suffocating, negative, etc. Then I leave (or hang up, or hit delete), and it's like I can breathe again.
Exactly! I have narcissist family members and the worst thing is having to constantly be "on guard". Can't be too happy because they try to bring you down to their level.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
My grandmother is also a narcissist (I think - she's not quite as clear cut and text book as my mom - but she is 100% cluster b), so my entire family of origin is in that mindset of orbiting around the narcissists
My grandmother is like this as well. She comes across as very charming...but interactions with her are draining. She craves attention. She's good with guilt trips. I get snide remarks for "not visiting enough", not finding a girlfriend or settling down yet (to fulfill her need for more great grandkids), etc. She always has to be in control of everything and is butting heads with other relatives.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
</p>
The other thing about my family (typically narcissist I think) is that they put the family unit above everything. Keeping the family together is more important than anything else, no matter who is hurt or how badly.
Yep, probably because that is the only thing that makes them feel important.
Oh goodness - you hit on so many good points. Things that never even registered on my radar, but were always there. Yes, the repetition and ranting over and over. It really is like brainwashing. I am still questioning and reframing so many things that my mom drilled into my head over the years. Badmouthing people for things that are actually normal and good is another one. It serves two purposes. Like you said, it justifies and rationalizes their abnormal behavior, and it also is a defense against their pathological jealousy. In the past several years I picked up on both my mother and grandmother being extremely jealous of others.
You hit the hammer on the nail. I have a family member who criticizes everyone for any reason...even if they didn't do anything wrong.
I want to move away too. I did in the past, and it was the only reason I am not still entangled in that mess today. It's the only way to gain perspective. I changed, and naively thought they could change too, so I moved back eventually. Now relocation can't come soon enough. People will argue that one should be able to deal with this stuff without "running away" but I think there is something to be said for a good amount of physical distance. No more ability for them to just "drop in," no running into family members when you're out, no more having to deal with "aren't you coming over for Thanksgiving" pressures, etc.
[/quote]</p>Yeah.... I have a family member that doesn't respect boundaries and will often drop in without calling even though I've asked him nicely to call (numerous times) in the past.
Marmon, I am luckier because other than my father's wife, I don't have anyone that pushes to see me. I haven't seen my mother in about 16 years. I have since been married, had major surgery, bought my first house, started a bricks and mortar business and had a child. She has no interest in visiting. I once told her I would come up to visit and she asked in a panic, "Where will you stay?"
Marmon, how old are you? The older I get the less I care what other people think. Great cliche but I mean it. The best part is once I stopped caring I was able to be myself and I found out that I'm pretty likable. Funny, too. Who knew?
Regarding the rough play, don't panic. You don't have to participate and be a good mom. I've never done that, probably for the same reasons. With my last child I had fibromyalgia, or so they thought, so it was a great excuse. But you can gently tell them mommy doesn't like that. It's fine.
Marmon, I want you to tell yourself everyday that you are such a better mother. Every day. Because it's true. You love your children so right there you are already light years ahead of her.
My mother is such a riot when it comes to giving advice. They all have selective memory. I remember her telling me that I shouldn't allow my 12-year-old to be latchkey. I was astounded because I use to be alone from the time I was 7. She doesn't remember that.
The other day she tried to give me advice on whether to homeschool or not. I said, "Seriously, mother. Your lucky you didn't go to prison. Don't dole out advice."
Bear in mind that narcissists do not have your best interests at heart. Do not take their advice or criticism. It is meant to do harm! And it is always meant to prop themselves up. If she is giving advice it is because she is the best mother in the world, dontcha know, and you, you sad thing, NEED her.
Right?
You could be my long lost sister...you have just described my mother to a T!
Hiknapster, How wonderful that you stood up to your father! How did he react? The times I have even came close to standing up to my mom in the past, she switched modes and went directly into playing the martyr / victim and acting as though I were unfairly attacking her. She loves to act like I am unreasonable, hypersensitive, volatile, and irrational. Are you still with the same emotionally abusive husband? Has it improved since you started calling him on it? You are so right about people who are overly critical and judgmental. They are insecure, and not really worth expending time and energy on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by therock2814
Exactly! I have narcissist family members and the worst thing is having to constantly be "on guard". Can't be too happy because they try to bring you down to their level. My grandmother is like this as well. She comes across as very charming...but interactions with her are draining. She craves attention. She's good with guilt trips. I get snide remarks for "not visiting enough", not finding a girlfriend or settling down yet (to fulfill her need for more great grandkids), etc. She always has to be in control of everything and is butting heads with other relatives.Yep, probably because that is the only thing that makes them feel important.
Your grandmother and mine might very well be sisters. I am constantly on guard and very careful about what I say. I share as little personal information as possible with her, but she is masterful at catching people off guard and asking intrusive questions geared toward some hidden agenda. The guilt trips don't work on me at all anymore. My grandmother is great with the quivery-on-the-verge-of-tears voice, the heavy sighs, etc. She is definitely a control-freak too. She will nag incessantly about things that are really none of her business. Then there is the drama. She creates drama where there is none, and everything is doomsday. We stopped spending holidays at her house two years ago and it was one of the best decisions ever. I used to spend those days with a big knot in my stomach. My grandmother was always completely miserable and always found some reason to cry, yell, and make a scene. I don't miss those days at all.
My family used to do the dropping in unannounced thing too. I ended up sending out an email to everyone politely asking that they always call before coming over, to make sure I am home and will be home by the time they arrive, etc. A handful of people tested this boundary and when they arrived I either didn't answer the door, or didn't let them in and said "oh I'm sorry, I was just leaving, I really wish you had called so that you didn't come all this way for no reason," and then quickly shut the door. One time my mom called and said she was coming over. I told her it wasn't a good time and she said "I won't stay long, I just need to drop something off." I stuck to my guns and she stuck to hers. I locked all the doors and shut all the blinds and didn't answer the door when she showed up. Eventually people got the message.
It's sad that people can't just be respectful from the start.
I have been going to a therapist for a couple years. Initially she just thought I had depression but soon, as we delved into my family life it became apparent to her that my mother was narcissistic. She used to ignore me when I said things, publicly humiliate me in front of my friends, praise me only when I did things that reflected positively on her, and punish me when I did things that reflected on her poorly. She denied my individuality. What I'm really worried about is that I have some of these same narcissistic traits. I seek admiration from people, without even being conscious of it. I used to be so bad that I needed the people around me to love me and I would do anything to get that to happen, including inventing a false persona. I realize now that my therapist must have known that I had narcissistic traits, but I didn't realize it myself until very recently. I have made some progress I think, but I'm worried that this is going to be a life long trait, that I can never fully escape from.
I have no friends, and when I do make friends I tend to drive them away with my mood swings, and unpredictability. I sometimes devalue people if I think they are going to reject me, saying to myself something like, these people didn't earn my respect. I have emotional outbursts at times, and often view people as very threatening. My most recent flings with narcissism was dating a girl that I never really liked that much because I basically wanted to have sex with her. So I'm just wondering, does anyone out there think that I am capable of recovering from this? It seems I get into these modes where I cognitively distort everything, like having ideas of reference, and grandiose thinking, and I can't break out of them easily (my mother used to do this). I just a fear that this is some kind of genetic disorder that I'm never going to recover from fully, and that I'm always going to fall back into.
I too was raised by a narcissistic mother who was also; manipulative, abusive, and hopelessly promiscuis. My one greatest fear has been that I would someday wake up and, be my mom. Relax, it doesn't really work that way even if you do have some of your mother's characteristics.
What I've done is simply use my mother's choices in life as an example of what not to do with mine. She divorced, I stay married. She abuse myself and siblings, I didn't abuse my son. She cheated on both her husbands and boyfriends, I have never cheated on my wife. She, essentially, kicked out her three children in order to marry her second husband, I raised my own son. The list is endless.
In regards to sleeping with women you don't actually like...........all men do that.
I am still with the emotionally abusive husband. Moving away from his family helped. And I finally put my foot down. We are here for our child and get along okay, but I'll never trust him. I do what I want, now. He's always told me to get out if I don't like it, especially when I was pregnant. So I do what I want and I figure he can get out if he doesn't like it.
Hugs to you Kim, my friend in Florida! <<<hugs>>>
My father seemed a bit stunned. He hasn't picked on me in years but he can sense that with my husband he can get away with it. I can see it.
He was on the phone and kept raising his voice and acting very threatening towards me. He got off the phone and I said if it is too loud in here go outside. This is my home. Not yours.
By the way, people were talking in a whisper.
He started with the sad face and made the crying voice and then said, "But you have to understand at my house there is only the two of us. I'm not use to this."
"Next time, go outside."
After that I didn't have any trouble.
My mother is a classic narcissist and no matter what I do it will never be good enough. I once rattled off a list of things I had done. A huge list. I was so proud to have done so many things because I am a notorious procrastinator.
Her response?
"So now what are you going to do?"
I once moved into a beautifully restored 200-year-old home. It was just gorgeous. After giving it the once over, know what she said?
"You should have seen the house I was in last weekend. Now those people are educated."
I too was raised by a narcissistic mother who was also; manipulative, abusive, and hopelessly promiscuis. My one greatest fear has been that I would someday wake up and, be my mom. Relax, it doesn't really work that way even if you do have some of your mother's characteristics.
What I've done is simply use my mother's choices in life as an example of what not to do with mine. She divorced, I stay married. She abuse myself and siblings, I didn't abuse my son. She cheated on both her husbands and boyfriends, I have never cheated on my wife. She, essentially, kicked out her three children in order to marry her second husband, I raised my own son. The list is endless.
In regards to sleeping with women you don't actually like...........all men do that.
Great advice.
I did the same thing when raising my kids. I took the good things that I thought they did and did the opposite of the bad things.
Marmon, I bought some books when I was a young mom, just to make sure I was on the right track. I was very relieved to find that I was. When you are abused you tend to second-guess your child-rearing skills. With the internet you should be able to get positive reinforcement.
When the negative dialog in your head starts up replace it with "that woman had no business raising children."
First of all, I apologize for these multiple posts.
I find this very troubling because my current husband is like this. We run a business together and I finally couldn't be down there anymore. It's like he invites bad karma. And everything, and I mean everything, is twisted into a negative. He can take my absolutely giddy mood and run it into the ground in seconds. It's come to the point where I avoid him. I can't even go grocery shopping with him.
Why are people like that?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marmom
I am constantly on guard and very careful about what I say. I share as little personal information as possible with her, but she is masterful at catching people off guard and asking intrusive questions geared toward some hidden agenda. The guilt trips don't work on me at all anymore. My grandmother is great with the quivery-on-the-verge-of-tears voice, the heavy sighs, etc. She is definitely a control-freak too. She will nag incessantly about things that are really none of her business. Then there is the drama. She creates drama where there is none, and everything is doomsday.
My mother is a classic narcissist and no matter what I do it will never be good enough. I once rattled off a list of things I had done. A huge list. I was so proud to have done so many things because I am a notorious procrastinator.
Her response?
"So now what are you going to do?"
I once moved into a beautifully restored 200-year-old home. It was just gorgeous. After giving it the once over, know what she said?
"You should have seen the house I was in last weekend. Now those people are educated."
LOLOL Good ole Mom....doesn't get any better than that! OY!
Sounds like some BS my mother has/would say. Nothing positive comes out of her mouth unless it's to uplift herself
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
