Anyone else raised by very narcissistic parents? (psychological, arrogance, pain)
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Are you for real? you made me nearly cry with this compliment.
I say nearly because I can't cry, I was beaten as a baby when I cried, so I guess there is a blockage there.
But thank you very much! Much appreciated!
Kind regards and warm greetings from Holland.
Definitely for real. It impresses the sh*t out of me that people whose first language isn't English speak and write it so well. Sure, there may be a mistake or two, but they are usually so minor that you'd almost have to be looking for them. If only the ones who grew up in English-speaking countries would bother learning their own language, we wouldn't see so much stupidity online. What's sad is that there are so many Americans who get mad when people move here from Mexico and haven't learned English yet. Their own English is substandard, but they p*ss and moan about newcomers not speaking it.
As far as the crazy N-parents:
Mine wouldn't allow me to cry, even after a beating. My n-mother was very fond of pulling my hair and shaking me. She was an accomplished child-beater. It took coordination to grab me by each side of my head, shake me, pull my hair, and slap me. That freakin' hurts! But no crying!!! Plus, I was supposed to hug her after and apologize for whatever I had done wrong. It was usually something so severe as to not blow my nose the way she wanted me to. Or the way I said "ouch" when my brother slapped me.
So after a beating I was then supposed to smile and be pleasant and wasn't allowed to go in my room and "pout." Crazy mind-f*ckings, I tell you.
Once, N-mother got it into her head that I'd been telling "people" that she was "mean." I never did such a thing, mainly because I was scared to death of her, but as a kid, I never knew who I could trust with that information. She beat the hell out of me, and then I finally worked up the courage to tell her that I didn't do it. She got mad at me for "making" her have to beat me because I didn't tell her I didn't do it.
If you don't know about narcissism it's like a big *** saw puzzel that you have to solve but can't and then you start doubting your capabilities.
This is very true. It is most definitely a jigsaw puzzle. This is why it's so hard. You have to figure it all out on your own with no help from anyone. There are too many angles to go over and try to explain. It's nearly impossible to try and relate to someone about it or get outside opinions when it's such a deep psychological subject. Without even going to college, I feel like I can go out and be a psychologist or psychiatrist just from experience. You do doubt yourself. I am already doubting myself about what recently happened with my mom. I keep having to reassure myself that I did nothing wrong, yet I still feel guilty. The more subtle the narcissistic tendencies, the harder it is to convince yourself. As someone who was raised in a very narcissistic family, my guard is constantly up. This is necessary for survival and for protecting your individuality, but it is also another drawback when it comes to trying to build relationships/friendships outside of it all. I have a hard time trusting anyone. I can't help but wonder what their ulterior motive is, even if there is no reason for me to think there are ill intentions.
Definitely for real. It impresses the sh*t out of me that people whose first language isn't English speak and write it so well. Sure, there may be a mistake or two, but they are usually so minor that you'd almost have to be looking for them. If only the ones who grew up in English-speaking countries would bother learning their own language, we wouldn't see so much stupidity online. What's sad is that there are so many Americans who get mad when people move here from Mexico and haven't learned English yet. Their own English is substandard, but they p*ss and moan about newcomers not speaking it.
Well, thank you very much for this great compliment and I think it says a lot if
it is coming from a native speaker. You made my day!
Quote:
As far as the crazy N-parents:
Mine wouldn't allow me to cry, even after a beating. My n-mother was very fond of pulling my hair and shaking me. She was an accomplished child-beater. It took coordination to grab me by each side of my head, shake me, pull my hair, and slap me. That freakin' hurts! But no crying!!! Plus, I was supposed to hug her after and apologize for whatever I had done wrong. It was usually something so severe as to not blow my nose the way she wanted me to. Or the way I said "ouch" when my brother slapped me.
So after a beating I was then supposed to smile and be pleasant and wasn't allowed to go in my room and "pout." Crazy mind-f*ckings, I tell you.
Once, N-mother got it into her head that I'd been telling "people" that she was "mean." I never did such a thing, mainly because I was scared to death of her, but as a kid, I never knew who I could trust with that information. She beat the hell out of me, and then I finally worked up the courage to tell her that I didn't do it. She got mad at me for "making" her have to beat me because I didn't tell her I didn't do it.
Evil, evil woman.
So sick. What I tell my signifcant other about the narcissist is that they are people who misuse, mistreat, lie, hurt and cheat, and what have you. and then when their victim is responding in a healthy way to this abuse, like being angry, depressed or whatever those idiots start complaining about the behavior of their victim!
So, whenever my signifcant other is depressed or sad and she knows it does
come from her upbringing, those idiots (her N-family ,that is ) ask her if she isn't very well today? has she eaten something wrong or questions of that calibre. It makes me sick to my stomach and for years she didn't or rather couldn't see what was happening. Now slowly but surely her eyes are opening to the realisation that actually she was raised in an asylum.
Last edited by BigTimeSurvivor; 03-03-2012 at 01:51 PM..
btw I feel very greatfull that I can talk about this on a forum like this.
Last years I have spend hours reading about N's and all, but for me this is definitely an important place
to be. So we can share and heal each other . And there is lot of healing in being understood!
Definitely for real. It impresses the sh*t out of me that people whose first language isn't English speak and write it so well. Sure, there may be a mistake or two, but they are usually so minor that you'd almost have to be looking for them. If only the ones who grew up in English-speaking countries would bother learning their own language, we wouldn't see so much stupidity online. What's sad is that there are so many Americans who get mad when people move here from Mexico and haven't learned English yet. Their own English is substandard, but they p*ss and moan about newcomers not speaking it.
As far as the crazy N-parents:
Mine wouldn't allow me to cry, even after a beating. My n-mother was very fond of pulling my hair and shaking me. She was an accomplished child-beater. It took coordination to grab me by each side of my head, shake me, pull my hair, and slap me. That freakin' hurts! But no crying!!! Plus, I was supposed to hug her after and apologize for whatever I had done wrong. It was usually something so severe as to not blow my nose the way she wanted me to. Or the way I said "ouch" when my brother slapped me.
So after a beating I was then supposed to smile and be pleasant and wasn't allowed to go in my room and "pout." Crazy mind-f*ckings, I tell you.
Once, N-mother got it into her head that I'd been telling "people" that she was "mean." I never did such a thing, mainly because I was scared to death of her, but as a kid, I never knew who I could trust with that information. She beat the hell out of me, and then I finally worked up the courage to tell her that I didn't do it. She got mad at me for "making" her have to beat me because I didn't tell her I didn't do it.
Evil, evil woman.
So sorry . That is evil. I can honestly say my mom was never that bad. It seemed as if she did try to not be that person. In fact, when comparing her with her mother, it's amazing she didn't turn out worse. It could have been much, much worse. You're proof of that. I am so very sorry that you went through what you went through. You are an incredibly strong individual.
btw I feel very greatfull that I can talk about this on a forum like this.
Last years I have spend hours reading about N's and all, but for me this is definitely an important place
to be. So we can share and heal each other . And there is lot of healing in being understood!
So glad I posted this. I was hoping we all could get healing out of it. I think relating helps a lot. Knowing we aren't the only ones helps a lot. Bless all your hearts. <3
This is very true. It is most definitely a jigsaw puzzle. This is why it's so hard. You have to figure it all out on your own with no help from anyone. There are too many angles to go over and try to explain. It's nearly impossible to try and relate to someone about it or get outside opinions when it's such a deep psychological subject. Without even going to college, I feel like I can go out and be a psychologist or psychiatrist just from experience. You do doubt yourself. I am already doubting myself about what recently happened with my mom. I keep having to reassure myself that I did nothing wrong, yet I still feel guilty. The more subtle the narcissistic tendencies, the harder it is to convince yourself. As someone who was raised in a very narcissistic family, my guard is constantly up. This is necessary for survival and for protecting your individuality, but it is also another drawback when it comes to trying to build relationships/friendships outside of it all. I have a hard time trusting anyone. I can't help but wonder what their ulterior motive is, even if there is no reason for me to think there are ill intentions.
I am pretty sure you can outbeat a psychiatrist or psychologist who hasn't have this kind of experience. I have studied psychology and I can tell you there are some small things you can use from it but most is crap!
For example. my signifcant other (I call her like that for special reasons because of what is going on and maybe I can or will talk about it later, but let it be for now) has been in therapy and she talked about her problems with her (N) parents, and what is the advice? "Try a different angle", "write a good letter". "shout at them". So, you see they don't have a grasp on the subject and don't understand it (offcourse there are exceptions and met them in the literature, but not in real live yet) On the contrary, I do have met, in hindsight, a lot of narcissist in the helping professions. I can tell a story of two, but I don´t want to be a bore.
I am from Holland, and I certainly can relate with the above.
I was also adopted and then raised by a narcissistic stepfather.
For years I din't know what happened, but I have found (at 53!!!!) that
my stepfather was , I think, a narcissist.
Offcourse I couldn't understand for years, because when you are adopted, the family that will adopt you is screened, yeaaahh, so they must be normal!
And the whole family is trying to pretend to be normal, well they even try to
be the most normal family. What did I know?
Well, let me tell you that when I was in my twenties I went into therapy because there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, or so I thought. And offcourse once I tried suicide, I think I couldn't cope with this anymore and I felt desperate alone.
I have struggled for years, done therapy and what not.
But once upon a day I met my family-in laws. At the moment when we first met it was a bit odd, but well we'll see. After years of trying to cope with them, I kind of discovered they are all narcisissitic and then I started reading about narcissists and lo and behold, I was reading about my step-father and I felt, while reading, I was in very warm bath of understanding.
Now I am rather convinced he was (or is) a narcissist (I stopped all bonds with him, ,and his whole family for that matter).
However I sometimes still have nagging doubts if this is all true. Him being a narcissist.
So , maybe you people can put my doubts to the rest, I don't know.
Well here are some facts. He spanked us ( I had two sisters also adopted) very hard on our bare bottoms with a wooden shoe till we couldn't sit anymore because of the hurt. When I had a '8' on my schoolreport he asked me why I didn't have a '9'? He told us he was , and so told my stepmother', 'above the law'. For other people my step family seemed rather nice. When he said I will pay for your university I said, good I want to go do 'psychology' then he forbid that. When I was 12 he said I wasn't able to give love! Once I gave away all my toys I had received from my stepfather and at the moment I didn't know why I did that and felt guilty, know I think it was because I wanted love and care and warmth, I think. So confusing then
When I was around 12 he told me I was adopted but when I asked contact with my real biological mother it was forbidden.
When I wanted to leave the house it was very difficult for me and he made me feel guilty by saying that I had to be gratefull!
well and offcourse on and on it goes.
I left home and years later my stepfather stood for my house, and I didn't know what to say, but when he was gone I wrote a polite letter to him never to come over again, until I have received a letter from him that he want to come over. In my eyes rather reasonable. Well from then on I never heard of him again. Well what do you think people. Is he or is he not a narcissist?
I hope my english is good enough to understand what I wrote.
Kind regard to you all and warm greetings from Holland
Sounds like it to me. It's always difficult to tell. That guilt you're feeling is most likely a side effect from your experiences. Over time, you stop trusting your own feelings.
One thing to keep in mind is that there will always be someone who had a worse experience or who went through more. It doesn't make your own pain any less real. So because your parents were verbally and/or psychologically cruel, it doesn't mean that you didn't suffer as much as the one who was beaten too.
What we've gone through is a big deal, regardless of how severe one experience is compared to another. The main point is that our parents all treated their children as objects, not as individuals who deserved to be seen and heard for the people they were.
It's the invalidation that hurts so much. And then getting blamed for causing trouble when we try to address the issue in a calm, respectful manner with them--the blame really cuts deep too! N's are so good at that.
It took me until age 35 to see what my adoptive mother's problem was. I wish I had known sooner that trying to have a healthy relationship with her would never happen, no matter how much I tried.
Another way that the narcissist’s ego gets special attention is through the role of being a victim. Welcome to the victimized extreme narcissist. Most persons recognize ego as arrogance. At the same time they fail to see the subtle deception of ego when it takes the role of a being a victim. As kind and compassion-driven human beings, we easily are fooled by this form of extreme ego. We are constantly hearing the voices of the needy in the media through a variety of forms. The disenfranchised, the poor, the homeless, the hurting, the refugees, the abused, and the list goes on. What we often do not see is that we are many times shamed by these voices for not doing enough for them. All along it is easy to be manipulated as we respond from our hearts. The deception of the ego is that the narcissist can hide behind misfortune and victimization in order to shame you into feeling and believing that they suffer more than you do. They will say that you don’t care enough for them. They will make you feel that you have not done enough to help them. The ego wants attention, control, gain, and power over others by positioning itself as a “poor and helpless” victim. It does this; all the while it soaks up the attention and control over others. In the eyes of an extreme narcissist, their situation is always right and totally justified. Instead of taking responsibility for self and consequences, the extreme narcissist tries to make others feel responsible for their plight. Because extreme narcissists are incredibly adept at the game of manipulation, they will always find a way to turn the tables on you. They will try to make you responsible and feel guilty for not helping them or taking their side and cause.
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. That is evil. I can honestly say my mom was never that bad. It seemed as if she did try to not be that person. In fact, when comparing her with her mother, it's amazing she didn't turn out worse. It could have been much, much worse. You're proof of that. I am so very sorry that you went through what you went through. You are an incredibly strong individual.
