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From my years of living long it has been my experience that absent a clinical diagnoses most depression is negative thinking gone awry. It often stems from how one views their personal situation. It takes a lot of self-determination to undo the negative view and its effects.
It is real. It isn't funny. It isn't anything to joke about. It drives friends away and it attracts the bully who targets the weakest and those who are least able to defend themselves.
If a friend comes and says I'm depressed, sometimes the kindest thing to do is say, "i know. Let's go get a cup of coffee; I'll treat." And sometimes the little change in dialog and scenery will help lift the spirt for a while.
From my years of living long it has been my experience that absent a clinical diagnoses most depression is negative thinking gone awry. It often stems from how one views their personal situation. It takes a lot of self-determination to undo the negative view and its effects.
It is real. It isn't funny. It isn't anything to joke about. It drives friends away and it attracts the bully who targets the weakest and those who are least able to defend themselves.
If a friend comes and says I'm depressed, sometimes the kindest thing to do is say, "i know. Let's go get a cup of coffee; I'll treat." And sometimes the little change in dialog and scenery will help lift the spirt for a while.
sounds not like a depression issue, sounds like an family issue.
if u wana help people that are clinically depressed short frequent visits with very positive up behavior and no bad news.
try to turn them away from themselves. a box of kittens will do it every time.
the flaws that irritate me most that i find in others are my own so watch out for your own negative thinking when around them.
Sometimes depression becomes a family issue.
And sometimes I wonder if family issues can lead to depression.
I'm asking how to respond, when people tell me these things. I don't really listen, because I can't relate. There is a distinct disconnect between "...so anyway, I've been seeing this shrink ever since Sue died, and it just gets so lonely.." and "...and then I took half a bottle of xanax and wound up in the hospital.."
Around five sentences into the diatribe (since, if you're only listening, there's no discussion going on. It's just a monologue), I stop listening and my own internal monologue shouting for me to get the heck out of there gets louder and louder and louder.
I dunno, I guess there's something I'm doing, some eye contact, or body language, that encourages people to keep telling me more and more about their situation. And the more they talk about it, the more uncomfortable I get and the more I want to stop interacting with these family members, or friends, or strangers at the bus stop, etc. etc.
Maybe I'm just a depression magnet. I don't get depressed, I just draw depressed people to me.
Must be my sunny disposition or something. I never saw myself as an optimist at all. But me + depressed people is like water + oil, yet the depressed people just freaking LOVE me. It's depressing.
Had to smile at your last sentence.
It sounds like you aren't doing anything wrong, really. How we act around depressed people has to be genuine to who we are.
In other words, don't try to be someone you aren't for the sake of the person/people who you are referring to.
That being said, sure, you can make some accomadations for the fact that they are depressed. Just do it in a way that meshes with who you are.
You don't seem to have a lot of patience for long monologues about what's wrong in their lives. So, maybe you an structure your visits so that you have a shorter visit. Or you can allow a certain amount of time to let them "vent" or "talk", then take charge of the conversation a little bit and start talking about something else. This might sound cliche, but it doesn't hurt to talk abou the news or the weather for a little while. Sometimes it's a nice break from talking about "woe is me" (no disrespect meant to my depressed friends).
I certainly don't have all the answers. I actually asked a similar question to yours on another thread. But I think the things I've mentioned above, might be a step in the right direction. At least I hope so.
Or be honest..."sorry you are going through so much crap, but I just can't deal with this...I am not a counselor.". I think that is okay. People can be confronted with the fact that they are miserable to be around, and you don't or can't deal with their issues. I flat out told that to my friend, who was having health problems and marriage issues....yes, she was legitimately depressed. Her life sucked bad. But I was tired of being her sounding board....when she was not doing anything to change her situation. She was a major downer. And probably Borderline Personality as well...she would call me drunk, and say she took a lot of pills...that is messed up. I don't need that in my life.
I stopped taking her calls. She needed professional help. And I did not need her issues.
So, don't feel guilt if you don't want to hang with someone like that.
I had the flu this weekend. I felt like crap. I stayed home, ate crackers. I did not call everyone to tell them I felt rotten. Or expect anyone to do things for me. Maybe that is a bad analogy...but at some point people can take care of themselves.
Probably a little more blunt than I would put it, but you made me smile and I agree that it's okay to set limits. We do have to take care of our own mental health while trying to be there for our loved ones.
Maybe ask "Is there anything I can do for you that would help?" And then if they say no, and just want to go on and on, maybe you SHOULD come up with some reason why you have to leave.
The only problem with that is, some of them say yes and give you a list of things to do. And then you think, "okay, if I do this for them, maybe they will feel better" and they don't. Then they find fault with each of the things you did to help them. Then YOU end up feeling miserable and unappreciated too.
I'm not saying that "What can I do to help" is never the approach to take, I am just pointing out that in some cases it might not be the best option. (been there done that, bought the t-shirt and still wear it ocassionaly)
Wow. I don't know what to say except it's best you not associate with depressed people - both for your sake and for theirs, IMHO.
I, personally, do NOT like to even share my stuff with ANYONE (except my mother and in a forum like this) so I don't. I find that really depressed people do NOT want to be a burden to others and, if anything, will try to hide it for fear of exactly running into people like you - no offense intended. We don't want your pity or to think you are looking for an escape hatch. We would much prefer you just not be there. Maybe I should not speak as "we," but I sure would not want to have anything to do with someone who thinks as you do.
I respect that some people who suffer from depression might find the OP offensive. But, please keep in mind that when you are expressing your offense by using the word "we" as if you are speaking for all depressed people, it's a bit inaccurate.
I am glad to know that you don't want people feeling sorry for you. It sounds like you are managing your depression as well as can be expected? But I know for a fact that there are at least some depressed people that actually DO WANT others to feel sorry for them.
Now that description may not apply to you and it might not even apply to most depressed people, but it most certainly does apply to some.
You might be right that certain people don't need to be around depressed people. This does not mean that those people are bad people, or that they are particularly insensistive. It might just mean that they have their own set of issues to deal with and aren't equipped to deal with someone who is depressed.
We are all flawed. Some of us can be there for eachother and some of us are barely hanging on to our own sanity and can't allow someone else to drag us down with them.
mistygrl, this isn't ALL directed at you. Sometimes I tend to start a reply and then just go on for a bit. My comments, of course are based on my own personal experiences in my own life.
From my years of living long it has been my experience that absent a clinical diagnoses most depression is negative thinking gone awry. It often stems from how one views their personal situation. It takes a lot of self-determination to undo the negative view and its effects.
It is real. It isn't funny. It isn't anything to joke about. It drives friends away and it attracts the bully who targets the weakest and those who are least able to defend themselves.
If a friend comes and says I'm depressed, sometimes the kindest thing to do is say, "i know. Let's go get a cup of coffee; I'll treat." And sometimes the little change in dialog and scenery will help lift the spirt for a while.
I agree with most everything you've said here. And yes, sometimes being viewed as weak might attract bullies. But I've also witnessed people who suffer from depression use their misery as an excuse to bully others. Maybe these people suffer from depression AND something else. I don't know, but I have seen first hand a few people who are depressed do exactly what I just described.
I respect that some people who suffer from depression might find the OP offensive. But, please keep in mind that when you are expressing your offense by using the word "we" as if you are speaking for all depressed people, it's a bit inaccurate.
I am glad to know that you don't want people feeling sorry for you. It sounds like you are managing your depression as well as can be expected? But I know for a fact that there are at least some depressed people that actually DO WANT others to feel sorry for them.
Now that description may not apply to you and it might not even apply to most depressed people, but it most certainly does apply to some.
You might be right that certain people don't need to be around depressed people. This does not mean that those people are bad people, or that they are particularly insensistive. It might just mean that they have their own set of issues to deal with and aren't equipped to deal with someone who is depressed.
We are all flawed. Some of us can be there for eachother and some of us are barely hanging on to our own sanity and can't allow someone else to drag us down with them.
mistygrl, this isn't ALL directed at you. Sometimes I tend to start a reply and then just go on for a bit. My comments, of course are based on my own personal experiences in my own life.
I did check myself on the use of the word we, if you read my post again. I am not offended by the OP. I just honestly believe that for the OP's sake, as well as the depressed person, it would be better to not associate.
The last thing I'd ever want would be to think someone was just looking for an exit door from a conversation with me. I would rather talk to myself.
I can't say I identify with those who want others to feel sorry for them. If you ask me, my life is a lot better than those in war torn countries and I never forget it. Still, hating my life doesn't feel good. I hate my life for many reasons. Part of it has to do with the choices I've made. Part of it has to do with the people I've known. Part of it has to do with being cursed with not the best genes when it comes to mental health. I know others who have other crosses to bear - physical disease for example. I know that were I to have that dumped on my plate it would push me over the edge.
If a person is capable of doing so, I really liked linicx's idea of just saying "I know. Want to get coffee? My treat." If not, I think it best to just cut ties.
I have lost quite a few people in the past couple of years. It is very painful. It wasn't about my depression, rather them not believing me about a situation I was dealing with. So much for all that support you are supposed to seek out when in certain tough spots. Heck, I lived in fear too much to even feel depressed. These were people I'd know for YEARS. So now they are gone and I'm alone and it's hard. But I'd still take this over being around someone who did not want to be around me.
Some lash out and some use depression to manipulate others. They are not the extreme. I've seen the self-destruction that begins with unchecked depression: semi-catatonic, suicide, violently attacking others, shock treatment, seizures, and other gruesome things. What we actually know about the human mind and how it works is very little. People who want answers look for solutions while those who do not avoid change.
Do unto others what you can and move on. I took care of critically ill family members and watched them fail between 1982 and 2011, and I learned a lot about the AMA, how hospitals maintain a steady stream of income, why hospice is a bad idea, and a lot of other things.. The one lesson that I learned well is this: If I do not take care of myself I cannot take care of anyone else. This applies especially to the depressed who are already tormented enough.
Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12
I agree with most everything you've said here. And yes, sometimes being viewed as weak might attract bullies. But I've also witnessed people who suffer from depression use their misery as an excuse to bully others. Maybe these people suffer from depression AND something else. I don't know, but I have seen first hand a few people who are depressed do exactly what I just described.
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I agree
