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Old 08-30-2011, 10:13 AM
 
701 posts, read 1,558,336 times
Reputation: 793

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So you married a military man who is sleeping around, not coming home nights, and leaving you without the financial resource or the amenities (phone, car, etc.) that you were counting on.

Welcome to the world, baby girl.

As to what rights you have as a military wife, well that brought brought a smile to my face. His CO can tell him to take care of matters at home, that he doesn't want to hear any more about it. But, in my experience, that's about it.

As the wife of a man who has since retired from the military, I had no "rights" to his time, his attention, or his income. I wasn't consulted when he was deployed or asked my preference about where we would be stationed.

As my father used to say, if the Army had wanted him to have wife, they would have issued him one.

Fortunately, I married a good man. Sounds like that might not be your situation.

Several resources were mentioned for counseling to help you figure out what would work best for you and your child. I would urge you to contact them and figure this out.

Perhaps having a roof over your head, food on the table, and health care covered would be a good place to start in terms of getting back on your feet. How did you support yourself before Prince Charming came along? Can you go back to doing that? Do you need training for a better career?

Many have found that the training (usually a couple months) involved in becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant is a well worth it. Might not be a lifetime career, but it's a start.

Perhaps there is a childcare center on base that can help you while you are getting back on your feet.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

I, for one, would be leery about investing much time and energy in saving a marriage that has gone awry so quickly. But that's up to you. The Army is unlikely to be much help there.

Good luck.
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Old 09-04-2011, 07:11 PM
Status: "kind of sick of this whole ideological hate thing" (set 27 days ago)
 
5,492 posts, read 6,783,009 times
Reputation: 10806
call the chaplain
ask your sponsor's spouse
go home to family

You have been offered good advice and I feel for you. But if it is this bad, you have some decisions to make.

Life is hard. You face it as best you can.

Good luck
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Old 09-06-2011, 05:17 AM
 
19 posts, read 111,327 times
Reputation: 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatRoy1 View Post
So you married a military man who is sleeping around, not coming home nights, and leaving you without the financial resource or the amenities (phone, car, etc.) that you were counting on.

Welcome to the world, baby girl.

As to what rights you have as a military wife, well that brought brought a smile to my face. His CO can tell him to take care of matters at home, that he doesn't want to hear any more about it. But, in my experience, that's about it.

As the wife of a man who has since retired from the military, I had no "rights" to his time, his attention, or his income. I wasn't consulted when he was deployed or asked my preference about where we would be stationed.

As my father used to say, if the Army had wanted him to have wife, they would have issued him one.

Fortunately, I married a good man. Sounds like that might not be your situation.

Several resources were mentioned for counseling to help you figure out what would work best for you and your child. I would urge you to contact them and figure this out.

Perhaps having a roof over your head, food on the table, and health care covered would be a good place to start in terms of getting back on your feet. How did you support yourself before Prince Charming came along? Can you go back to doing that? Do you need training for a better career?

Many have found that the training (usually a couple months) involved in becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant is a well worth it. Might not be a lifetime career, but it's a start.

Perhaps there is a childcare center on base that can help you while you are getting back on your feet.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

I, for one, would be leery about investing much time and energy in saving a marriage that has gone awry so quickly. But that's up to you. The Army is unlikely to be much help there.

Good luck.

thanks i have another question, ok i just contained more information of my husbands infidelity, i have proof, pictures, text messages, call history, everything, and he's threatening me with divorce since ive spoken with his 1st ssg about it, being that at the moment i have no job, no money or means of transportation, is there a way i could maybe file for divorce before he does? and does it matter who files first?? and we also dont share anything, no children im not on the lease, no accounts, so once the divorce is filed for, would they even give us a court date? and would i be able to present my information and be able to get spousal support, because i gave up everything to be married to him my job, my car and school.
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Old 09-06-2011, 05:56 AM
 
5,914 posts, read 13,580,587 times
Reputation: 9529
I doubt it matters who files first in the divorce. Suggest you go to legal department on base and speak to a lawyer. The law is what it is, fault doesn't necessarily matter.
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Old 09-06-2011, 06:14 AM
 
19 posts, read 111,327 times
Reputation: 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
I doubt it matters who files first in the divorce. Suggest you go to legal department on base and speak to a lawyer. The law is what it is, fault doesn't necessarily matter.
ok, but once i file will i be able to present my evidence of his infidelity??? and do you think i need to call his ssg again??? or just take it up with the court, and again is there any type of assistance to help pay for a divorce or what not ?? and ive already written the number down for JAG legal services on post Im going to call today to speak with someone, i just dont know if im able to afford a lawyer right now.
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Old 09-06-2011, 07:23 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, Texas
777 posts, read 973,036 times
Reputation: 3160
Boy you did jump in with both feet didn't you?? But I have to ask...How old are you and how did you manage before he came along?...another question...since your child is not his ..Are you getting child support for that child? If not Why Not?..Another question..you gave up everything to be with him but why did you stop looking after yourself and your child? Why aren't you on the Lease?..if he vacates the apartment you are basically homeless..why did you give up your car to the junkyard? What happened to the money you got for the car?..Why haven't you continued your education in your current location? I see a serious lack of personal responsibility here and you want him to make it all better and care for you and about you and you want the Army to force him to do it. I'm sorry Babe but that's not going to happen..especially if you present your case to his Chain of Command with the level of hysteria exhibited here. I know this from personal experience..no-one will jump in to help you until you show some signs of helping yourself.
I say this with all the love in my heart..but His CO has basically already said in so many words that he is on your side just by saying that "his head isn't in the right place". You have been given so much good advice here and yet you come back with more chaos about his affair...let that go..if you decide to push that the only thing you will end up with is a CIVILLIAN loser husband...and going to his 1SG with your complaints without a plan will just make you look helpless..and as a general rule military men just don't belive in the "poor me" attitude when women in the military are meeting and exceeding the expectations required of them. And I can just bet that there were alot of "send her to Iraq and see how well she does" comments over coffee after you left.
Being a military dependant has so many advantages... use the resources provided here...but first CALM DOWN and start with whats in your head first...replace that "He's never home and he doesn't care" mindset with a "What would I do if he were deployed" mindset. Use that free medical care to get some free counseling...you have put yourself in the victims box and you need to find a way out. While you are doing that get yourself into a more secure place that you cannot be evicted from. Talk to the manager of your apartment and ask to to be put on the lease..whatever you need to do. Second, apply for food stamps ..this will help in 2 ways..one, you won't have to worry about food and second, it will put your baby daddy on the radar and you might get some child support (if you don't already get it.) Get a job...save YOUR money...if child care is a problem start part-time and see if someone in your complex can watch your child. Since you don't have a car then find a job in walking distance by..walking there. When you have saved enough of YOUR money buy a car and get a better job,
One of the ways military wives survive is to make friends with other military wives..Alot of the things military wives talk/complain about are just that talk and complaints..take them with a grain of salt..learn how to vent in a safe way..take charge of your life again...let him stay out all night...let him do what he wants...you can't force him to do the right thing and actually in his mind he may already feel he IS doing the right thing..you need to worry about you and your child. Remember he's in the military too and he may have the military mindset mentioned above...so don't complain to him or nag him when you do see him. This only makes you look weak..you need to be STRONG!!! Use this time and your resources to get your act together. Once you are self supporting then make a decision as to what you want to do...
Having said all that IMHO I think he is using you for the BAH...and in the end your marriage may fail...so it is imperitive that you take control of your life now so you are prepared for what does eventually happen. Who knows? Once he see's you helping yourself he may just start hanging around more.
BTW where are you stationed? What post?
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Old 09-06-2011, 07:41 AM
 
701 posts, read 1,558,336 times
Reputation: 793
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
I doubt it matters who files first in the divorce. Suggest you go to legal department on base and speak to a lawyer. The law is what it is, fault doesn't necessarily matter.
I encourage you to follow this advice.

Contact the Legal Assistance Officer on base and explain your situation. That person can best advise you on what legal services are available to you.

That you gave up a job to marry may have some bearing on a judge awarding you temporary spousal support until you're back on your feet. If your new husband adopted your child, there may be some child support. Otherwise, probably not.

I doubt that the infidelity evidence will make one bit of difference. It used to, but that was years and years ago.

Makes no difference who files first. Eventually, you get the same place. In many states, you need to go through mediation first to see if you can come to an agreement you can both live with. But your Legal Assistance Officer can explain your options.

Not sure that calling his CO will make any difference. Your husband is in the wind. What could his CO possibly do about it?

In my experience, COs do what they can to stay out of personal affairs. It's messy and time consuming and pulls the focus away from the mission.

After such a short marriage, you are likely to be awarded much in the way of financial support, even temporarily. I would encourage you to start looking for a job.

The only way to keep a wandering man (or any man really) coming home at night is to keep him worried that you won't be there when he pulls into the driveway. Get moving on your own life and with any luck at all, your next marriage will go better.

Wishing you all the best.
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Old 09-06-2011, 07:45 AM
 
701 posts, read 1,558,336 times
Reputation: 793
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanygirl View Post
Boy you did jump in with both feet didn't you?? But I have to ask...How old are you and how did you manage before he came along?...another question...since your child is not his ..Are you getting child support for that child? If not Why Not?..Another question..you gave up everything to be with him but why did you stop looking after yourself and your child? Why aren't you on the Lease?..if he vacates the apartment you are basically homeless..why did you give up your car to the junkyard? What happened to the money you got for the car?..Why haven't you continued your education in your current location? I see a serious lack of personal responsibility here and you want him to make it all better and care for you and about you and you want the Army to force him to do it. I'm sorry Babe but that's not going to happen..especially if you present your case to his Chain of Command with the level of hysteria exhibited here. I know this from personal experience..no-one will jump in to help you until you show some signs of helping yourself.
I say this with all the love in my heart..but His CO has basically already said in so many words that he is on your side just by saying that "his head isn't in the right place". You have been given so much good advice here and yet you come back with more chaos about his affair...let that go..if you decide to push that the only thing you will end up with is a CIVILLIAN loser husband...and going to his 1SG with your complaints without a plan will just make you look helpless..and as a general rule military men just don't belive in the "poor me" attitude when women in the military are meeting and exceeding the expectations required of them. And I can just bet that there were alot of "send her to Iraq and see how well she does" comments over coffee after you left.
Being a military dependant has so many advantages... use the resources provided here...but first CALM DOWN and start with whats in your head first...replace that "He's never home and he doesn't care" mindset with a "What would I do if he were deployed" mindset. Use that free medical care to get some free counseling...you have put yourself in the victims box and you need to find a way out. While you are doing that get yourself into a more secure place that you cannot be evicted from. Talk to the manager of your apartment and ask to to be put on the lease..whatever you need to do. Second, apply for food stamps ..this will help in 2 ways..one, you won't have to worry about food and second, it will put your baby daddy on the radar and you might get some child support (if you don't already get it.) Get a job...save YOUR money...if child care is a problem start part-time and see if someone in your complex can watch your child. Since you don't have a car then find a job in walking distance by..walking there. When you have saved enough of YOUR money buy a car and get a better job,
One of the ways military wives survive is to make friends with other military wives..Alot of the things military wives talk/complain about are just that talk and complaints..take them with a grain of salt..learn how to vent in a safe way..take charge of your life again...let him stay out all night...let him do what he wants...you can't force him to do the right thing and actually in his mind he may already feel he IS doing the right thing..you need to worry about you and your child. Remember he's in the military too and he may have the military mindset mentioned above...so don't complain to him or nag him when you do see him. This only makes you look weak..you need to be STRONG!!! Use this time and your resources to get your act together. Once you are self supporting then make a decision as to what you want to do...
Having said all that IMHO I think he is using you for the BAH...and in the end your marriage may fail...so it is imperitive that you take control of your life now so you are prepared for what does eventually happen. Who knows? Once he see's you helping yourself he may just start hanging around more.
BTW where are you stationed? What post?
Great advice. Absolutely on target.
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Old 09-06-2011, 08:00 AM
 
3,646 posts, read 9,799,845 times
Reputation: 5451
The ONLY time the military cares about infidelity is when they're using it to 'pile on' additional charges, or threatening someone into doing the right thing - but they don't really care. And despite being a military wife, your divorce will be a civilian matter - and civilian courts don't care about infidelity, unless you have a pre-nup stating that infidelity will have a bearing on who gets what in the case of divorce.

You are not just acting as a victim here, you are making things worse. If you have a plan, that involves helping yourself and your child and doesn't focus on punishing your spouse, take it to his ssgt or a chaplain and they will help you! If they are aware of what is happening, he WILL 'get his' - and instead of collecting BAH for an extra 6 months after he stops supporting you, it will end for him immediately. Stop focusing on HIM and work on helping yourself and things WILL GET BETTER.

But your marriage is over. The military won't make him remain married to you, or stop seeing his gf.
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Old 09-06-2011, 04:09 PM
 
19 posts, read 111,327 times
Reputation: 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanygirl View Post
Boy you did jump in with both feet didn't you?? But I have to ask...How old are you and how did you manage before he came along?...another question...since your child is not his ..Are you getting child support for that child? If not Why Not?..Another question..you gave up everything to be with him but why did you stop looking after yourself and your child? Why aren't you on the Lease?..if he vacates the apartment you are basically homeless..why did you give up your car to the junkyard? What happened to the money you got for the car?..Why haven't you continued your education in your current location? I see a serious lack of personal responsibility here and you want him to make it all better and care for you and about you and you want the Army to force him to do it. I'm sorry Babe but that's not going to happen..especially if you present your case to his Chain of Command with the level of hysteria exhibited here. I know this from personal experience..no-one will jump in to help you until you show some signs of helping yourself.
I say this with all the love in my heart..but His CO has basically already said in so many words that he is on your side just by saying that "his head isn't in the right place". You have been given so much good advice here and yet you come back with more chaos about his affair...let that go..if you decide to push that the only thing you will end up with is a CIVILLIAN loser husband...and going to his 1SG with your complaints without a plan will just make you look helpless..and as a general rule military men just don't belive in the "poor me" attitude when women in the military are meeting and exceeding the expectations required of them. And I can just bet that there were alot of "send her to Iraq and see how well she does" comments over coffee after you left.
Being a military dependant has so many advantages... use the resources provided here...but first CALM DOWN and start with whats in your head first...replace that "He's never home and he doesn't care" mindset with a "What would I do if he were deployed" mindset. Use that free medical care to get some free counseling...you have put yourself in the victims box and you need to find a way out. While you are doing that get yourself into a more secure place that you cannot be evicted from. Talk to the manager of your apartment and ask to to be put on the lease..whatever you need to do. Second, apply for food stamps ..this will help in 2 ways..one, you won't have to worry about food and second, it will put your baby daddy on the radar and you might get some child support (if you don't already get it.) Get a job...save YOUR money...if child care is a problem start part-time and see if someone in your complex can watch your child. Since you don't have a car then find a job in walking distance by..walking there. When you have saved enough of YOUR money buy a car and get a better job,
One of the ways military wives survive is to make friends with other military wives..Alot of the things military wives talk/complain about are just that talk and complaints..take them with a grain of salt..learn how to vent in a safe way..take charge of your life again...let him stay out all night...let him do what he wants...you can't force him to do the right thing and actually in his mind he may already feel he IS doing the right thing..you need to worry about you and your child. Remember he's in the military too and he may have the military mindset mentioned above...so don't complain to him or nag him when you do see him. This only makes you look weak..you need to be STRONG!!! Use this time and your resources to get your act together. Once you are self supporting then make a decision as to what you want to do...
Having said all that IMHO I think he is using you for the BAH...and in the end your marriage may fail...so it is imperitive that you take control of your life now so you are prepared for what does eventually happen. Who knows? Once he see's you helping yourself he may just start hanging around more.
BTW where are you stationed? What post?
we live off post, and i know that its very important that i get a job and start working again I have been filling out applications, i gave up my car at the time because we needed food in the house etc. and he didnt have anymore money from paying bills, i first quit my job when he married me and i quit school because he moved me to another state while he's gone {I'm from GA} he moved me to VA and i just got back to GA in July. Believe me I am trying to help myself get back on my feet but it's harder and i do have a toddler with really no immediate family in Ga. Ive already got it in mind to start back with school, I realize that I need to focus solely on my daughter and making her life better in order for things to start getting better for both me and her. That's why I'm over here asking what else should i do once we do file for a divorce, someone told me that i shouldn't sign anything right away and that i should proceed with getting a civilian lawyer and talking with him/her. Ive got proof of him saying that he only married me for money and to move off post, pictures txt messages call history and all to also prove his infidelity, He knows everything I gave up just to be married to him, and that I dont have anything left or no where to stay and he now wants a divorce or annulment because he's been seeing someone else, all I'm saying is he wants to keep getting paid as if he still has dependents and not give me anything, and to help me get back on my feet I just want to know will i be able to get spousal support up untill then.
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