MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (California: horseback, office)

[Versatile]

Ol' Fred
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,

near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition

appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something

to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and

Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then

suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that

time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that

he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred

died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before

he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure

there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're

standing on my oxygen tube!"
__________________

[Versatile]

School Daze...
Teacher: Ok children, what sounds did we hear on our trip to the farm yesterday?

Mary: Moo!

George: Quack quack!

Annie: Baaa!

Johnny: GET OFF THAT DAMN TRACTOR!

[Versatile]

Today's funny
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right. Get in."..........

It is not always the youngest, the loudest or the strongest, but is often the wisest who prevails.......

[Versatile]

Irrefutable Proof

...that a good woman can bring balance and stability to your life.

[Versatile]

$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change

when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?

A mere child!

Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.

Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.

I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,

and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,

like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now?

A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!

It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now?

I checked my keys and tried another.

Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.

Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,

relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!

My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,

only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,

and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.

All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,

and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.

I walked back out to the truck,

and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.

He was holding up a drink and a bag.

His mother explained,

"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:

"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.

Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.

And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type?

That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

[Versatile]

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack. A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street-she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said. "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy."

He finally came home early,

but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said,

"What do you think happened today, dear?

The most awful thing--

the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

[christina0001]

LOL these are so funny!!!

[Versatile]

Older Men Scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Menards, Fleet Farm, Home Depot or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their unmentionables almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th,20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[Versatile]

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So at the party, he and his friends are all standing around drinking, and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."
Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks, bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."
"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan - he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done."
"Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later? " "I don't want the
cars or planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either."
"Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the SOB that pushed me in."

[christina0001]

LOL very funny! thanks for posting!