Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OMG I now live in Dallas and have seen this first hand, having been on the "ignored" end when trying to speak to someone. I have to say it is the saddest, most ignorant way of sharing the planet with your fellow human beings I have encountered. My only question is: WHY?
I agree. Totally passive aggressive non-adult behavior. Give me a chance to have a face to face, work it out kind of conversation. Often from conflict comes amazing growth. But, it does take two adult to do this. OP...Hope things get better for you.
And I mean extreme. Everything I say she already knows about it and goes into a lengthy lecture on the subject.
Or she is defensive and argumentative on every point, no matter how minor.
She goes on and on about her personal family and financial problems, but never does anything to address them. Just likes to vent over and over.
I have been hung up on more than once when I've tried to offer advice or comment. I don't say much of anything now, just hold the phone away from my ear while she rants, lectures, etc.
It has gotten to the point that I avoid her calls, which are daily. She has said more than once that people quit speaking to her because of her mouth, so she can't be clueless.
She usually literally shouts when she talks and calls me ''dear'' as in ''let me tell you dear''. Stuff like that which feels very patronizing.
She has been fired multiple times, is unemployed and always hitting others up for money. Won't try to find a job. Just a mess. Always some kind of drama.
She has alienated herself from her only child and he is school age but moved in with neighbors to get out of the house where she lives with 12 pets, cats and dogs.
This person is family, but it's hard to take.
Thank God she lives across country or I'd be moving.
I love her, but am fed up with all this and being talked down to all the time and not really able to converse like friends should-mutually and respectfully.
At one point it was a nice relationship/friendship. No more.
How would you deal with this?
It is really getting to me as I hate to ignore, but I hate to interact.
The turbulent relationships, estrangement from her only child, complete lack of insight into her own behavior and pinning the blame for her problems on others, alomg with multiple losses and an inability to sustain employment,or relationships, dramatic nature as well as a few other traits, all seem to point to Borderline Personality Disorder.
I am not a psychologist, but I am a former psychiatric nurse with a degree in psychology and sociology.
it was not my education or training that led me to this knowledge, however.
About ten years ago, my sister's behavior became increasingly disturbing and erratic, My father, who did not really want to dreal with her, asked me to help her, "for the sake of the children". Her also guilt tripped me into feeling that I was not doing enough, and opting out of family responsibilities.
Which is interesting, since he is not the biggest family man on earth.
I really could not take her dramatics, and her intrusive and persistent phone calls. When I was not home, she would unload her verbal barage on anyone who answered the phone, my husband, my pre-teen children and evan a cleaning woman, who she told all of her problems to in ione half hour conversation. Then their were the convesations that were more like monologues,the conversations that ended in hang ups, only to have her call back, appologise briefly and superficially and repeat the same behavior. She has a certain superficial charm, wit, and superficially warm and engaging personality that initially endrears her to others. It never lasts, however.
So I found my self seeing a therapist over my sister's behavior. The therapist quickly put a label on my sister's behavior and recommended some books for me to read on the subject of BPD. I saw her for several months and left feeling sure that there really was nothing I could do, I was not the cause of this, and that she would never change. All are true. She has,in fast become scarier with age.
She will not see a therapist and instead pins her problems on others, never once looking inward for a solution.
I am a good and devoted to her children, the three who she prematurely kicked to the curb, and blames for her own problems. She is a horrible mother and she is someone who I can never have in my life again.
To the OP, I think that your relative suffers from the same thing. BPD is one of the most difficult personality disorders to treat and it has a dismal success rate.
Their complete inability to take responsibility, coupled with their charm and verbal skills, make them uniquely ill-suited for talk therapy.
I'd advice the OP to stay far away, and to read some books on the subject. You will never be able to help her, and she can create chaos in your life. Or worse. Be available for her child, but not for her.
"She has a certain superficial charm, wit, and superficially warm and engaging personality that initially endrears her to others. It never lasts, however"
It could very well be BPD. This line certainly applies. I have also thought of bi-polar d/o (I am a licensed therapist too), but nevertheless, it ain't gonna change, as they say.
I am able to keep my distance better, be supportive from afar, and wish her the best. As her health declines and/or she ages I don't know what she will do to support herself (she does freelance work now and barely gets clients) as she never paid into the social security disability fund. Some unsuspecting soul will come along to rescue her, but it won't be me. Sorry world...
Today I thought I'd be charitable and give a call back. Planned to limit the time. I ended up putting the phone on speaker for 20 mins while she rambled...
I must admit I often finding listening to people who act like they have go everything figured out, they know everything, they have done everything very annoying.
Example - I listened to one person tell me that opening a chain of restaurants would be easy, all you would need to do is employ the right people, have the money - I pointed out you have no practical experience in this Business and people who have been doing this all their lives struggle to run more than one restaurant never mind a chain.
I just can't bear people discuss another person career or job in sweeping statements like they know more about than the person who has been doing it everyday.
We live in a culture of over educated know it alls, where everyone is a pseudoexpert on everything.
Everyone can talk the talk, but few people actually become millionaires.
Deal with them - I guess don't take what people say too seriously.
The turbulent relationships, estrangement from her only child, complete lack of insight into her own behavior and pinning the blame for her problems on others, alomg with multiple losses and an inability to sustain employment,or relationships, dramatic nature as well as a few other traits, all seem to point to Borderline Personality Disorder...Her also guilt tripped me into feeling that I was not doing enough, and opting out of family responsibilities.
I really could not take her dramatics...She has a certain superficial charm, wit, and superficially warm and engaging personality that initially endrears her to others. It never lasts, however...She has,in fast become scarier with age.
She will not see a therapist and instead pins her problems on others, never once looking inward for a solution.
I didn't know how to respond to this thread initially because of its title...as I read the OP and the subsequent comments, then I had an "ah hah" moment.
I've known two people like this. One a former friend, the other, my sister. Or shall I say, sisters (two of them). The sad thing is they will never change. They do not believe they have a problem. And, they will surely make you believe the problem is YOU!
My friend, was abused as a child and had anger issues growing up. It took me close to a decade to end the relationship with her. She had me thinking I was the one with the problems and would say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way." Drove me CRAZY! She always had crappy relationships and the one guy who finally married her, I feel sorry for him, they worked together and she was very manipulative. She didn't tell anyone she got married either... People found out by chance. Not Normal.
My two sisters. They are definitely not well. They get worse with age, and more irresponsible too! They are constantly blaming others for their problems, borrowing money from my parents and not paying it back (they are both nearing 50 years of age!) They love to tell me I'm the "know it all" because I call them on their bullsh*t and don't give into their demands. Now, my mother doesn't either, so this makes them really angry. Yep, been hung up on, ridiculed, patronized, lied about to other family members, lied to about other family members, yelled at, etc. You name it, they've done it.
It is toxic. End it while you can or at least keep her at arms length!
I didn't know how to respond to this thread initially because of its title...as I read the OP and the subsequent comments, then I had an "ah hah" moment.
I've known two people like this. One a former friend, the other, my sister. Or shall I say, sisters (two of them). The sad thing is they will never change. They do not believe they have a problem. And, they will surely make you believe the problem is YOU!
My friend, was abused as a child and had anger issues growing up. It took me close to a decade to end the relationship with her. She had me thinking I was the one with the problems and would say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way." Drove me CRAZY! She always had crappy relationships and the one guy who finally married her, I feel sorry for him, they worked together and she was very manipulative. She didn't tell anyone she got married either... People found out by chance. Not Normal.
My two sisters. They are definitely not well. They get worse with age, and more irresponsible too! They are constantly blaming others for their problems, borrowing money from my parents and not paying it back (they are both nearing 50 years of age!) They love to tell me I'm the "know it all" because I call them on their bullsh*t and don't give into their demands. Now, my mother doesn't either, so this makes them really angry. Yep, been hung up on, ridiculed, patronized, lied about to other family members, lied to about other family members, yelled at, etc. You name it, they've done it.
It is toxic. End it while you can or at least keep her at arms length!
I agree with Jaded. This is not going to change! She is way worse than a Know It All. That is just a symptom of her pathology.
Being obnoxious in any way, though; should be enough for you to want to keep your distance.
When it comes to the extreme forms of "know-it-alls" I take the path of puffing up their ego's even furthur, as I know too well that a bruised ego is harder to heal than a physical injury. And one day it will happen!
Say something on this order:
"I have an extremely low IQ, so, please, don't come down so hard on me! I had to repeat every year of high school and this idiot didn't graduate until 21! I so envy you!"
"I have an extremely low IQ, so, please, don't come down so hard on me! I had to repeat every year of high school and this idiot didn't graduate until 21! I so envy you!"
LMAO...this is good!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
People found out by chance. Not Normal.
