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I'm actually really curious about this and I've actually given up. But every single guy friend I've had always seems to want to be more. I've seen quite a few girls who have guy friends but whenever I make one, they become very invested in me and begin to want to hang out and often imply romance and a relationship.
I don't think there's anything wrong with hanging out, but it's that hanging out always seems to become something more than that. They want to pay for me, they want to drive me there, they want to do x,y,z so it becomes more like a subtle date. The moment I let them know I'm not attracted, however, the "friendship" usually comes to an end.
Anyone know why this is? Why can't I have guy friends?
Oh dear. I think a lot of men find platonic relationships hard or maybe they only value it when sex is thrown in ? My European friend finds American men better at handling it than his countrymen,( his delightful wife is American). I believe it's a cultural thing- you need to be of a certain mindset and in a society where the sexes are more equal- can't imagine the tradtional men in my country being capable of any.
Oh dear. I think a lot of men find platonic relationships hard or maybe they only value it when sex is thrown in ? My European friend finds American men better at handling it than his countrymen,( his delightful wife is American). I believe it's a cultural thing- you need to be of a certain mindset and in a society where the sexes are more equal- can't imagine the tradtional men in my country being capable of any.
I'm american and live in the U.S. I've tried every which angle to be honest. I tried ignoring my instincts ( which resulted in them becoming more aggressive and persistent), I tried calling their attention to it (they never denied it, same thing happened), in the end, the line gets crossed or they just stop pursuing me and the friendship dwindles.
I know you are American, just wanted to give a European perspective of it. Don't like to ask but do you happen to be attractive- to men (women have different intepretations of what that entail sometimes)? I' m more the girl-next-door , not the sexy type so no guys falling over themselves to be my ''friend'' :P
I know you are American, just wanted to give a European perspective of it. Don't like to ask but do you happen to be attractive- to men- women have different intepretations of what that entail sometimes? I' m more the girl-next-door and not the sexy type so no guys falling over themselves to be my ''friend'' :P
lol I think I'm attractive but I don't wear make-up or dress up, wear heels or anything to make myself stand out. I'm "pretty cute" from what I'm told? lol
I've never had a male friendship where the male didn't think there was a minimal future possibility that it could turn into something else.
Don't upset yourself over this. It is a fact of life.
I've had very good male best friends and had some great memories that were quite hard to let go of. I have to admit, oftentimes, I'd pride myself on having great friendships with both genders. For many years I thought it was bogus that platonic relationships between the genders couldn't exist.
One of these was my roommate in college for years. He was best friends with my college boyfriend, he had a girlfriend throughout college and we had tons of people over all the time. Years later, when I moved to NYC and I found out he was working there as well, we met up a few times with a group of friends. Neither of us had a significant other, and I felt quite safe that I was hanging out with just a good friend. After a few drinks, he made a move and confessed to having had an attraction for years. For some idiotic reason I felt betrayed and hurt. In retrospect, I overreacted. It wasn't some sort of deep betrayal - it was simply an attraction.
Even once married, I kept some old male friends. On one visit back to Miami, I met up with an old friend. He prodded a bit about my marriage and said "If you tire of your husband or he steps out of line, just let me know. I'm always interested. And I'm fine with kids, by the way." (I had one son at the time.) That was the last time I met up with him. We obviously had a different idea of why we were meeting up.
So after many years and many friends, I am done thinking males are fine with being just friends. You can have a friendship for years and that possibility will always exist for a guy who has an interest.
Now, about the men who don't want any type of friendship if you're not interested: they probably don't want to have to suppress an attraction. Be considerate of this and enjoy developing friendships with women
I've never had a male friendship where the male didn't think there was a minimal future possibility that it could turn into something else.
Don't upset yourself over this. It is a fact of life.
I've had very good male best friends and had some great memories that were quite hard to let go of. I have to admit, oftentimes, I'd pride myself on having great friendships with both genders. For many years I thought it was bogus that platonic relationships between the genders couldn't exist.
One of these was my roommate in college for years. He was best friends with my college boyfriend, he had a girlfriend throughout college and we had tons of people over all the time. Years later, when I moved to NYC and I found out he was working there as well, we met up a few times with a group of friends. Neither of us had a significant other, and I felt quite safe that I was hanging out with just a good friend. After a few drinks, he made a move and confessed to having had an attraction for years. For some idiotic reason I felt betrayed and hurt. In retrospect, I overreacted. It wasn't some sort of deep betrayal - it was simply an attraction.
Even once married, I kept some old male friends. On one visit back to Miami, I met up with an old friend. He prodded a bit about my marriage and said "If you tire of your husband or he steps out of line, just let me know. I'm always interested. And I'm fine with kids, by the way." (I had one son at the time.) That was the last time I met up with him. We obviously had a different idea of why we were meeting up.
So after many years and many friends, I am done thinking males are fine with being just friends. You can have a friendship for years and that possibility will always exist for a guy who has an interest.
Now, about the men who don't want any type of friendship if you're not interested: they probably don't want to have to suppress an attraction. Be considerate of this and enjoy developing friendships with women
Yeah, I'm currently in a relationship now and often times they inquire about the health of my relationship or just act like they don't care.
I think I'm done trying to be friends with the opposite sex overall and I'll just try to focus my time and energy on personal development.
Yeah, I'm currently in a relationship now and often times they inquire about the health of my relationship or just act like they don't care.
I think I'm done trying to be friends with the opposite sex overall and I'll just try to focus my time and energy on personal development.
Some guys can be friends only with women.
But, Many many guys in this situation are there because they are waiting for the chance to date a woman, or hook up with them.
Many people will deny it, but many people find it difficult to be 'just friends' with the opposite sex.
I'd say its at least 50/50. 50% of guys can handle friends only, and 50% of guys will always eventually attempt to convert a woman friend into more.
IME, the older the guy, the more possible it is to be friends only. BUT, I know many people that have a friendship for 10+ years, and then they hook up.
All of this is why many guys have problems with their gf being friends with guys. Cause we know that at least half of the 'friends' would hook up with a woman, any woman, regardless if friends for 10 minutes, or ten years.
I'm actually really curious about this and I've actually given up. But every single guy friend I've had always seems to want to be more. I've seen quite a few girls who have guy friends but whenever I make one, they become very invested in me and begin to want to hang out and often imply romance and a relationship.
I don't think there's anything wrong with hanging out, but it's that hanging out always seems to become something more than that. They want to pay for me, they want to drive me there, they want to do x,y,z so it becomes more like a subtle date. The moment I let them know I'm not attracted, however, the "friendship" usually comes to an end.
Anyone know why this is? Why can't I have guy friends?
Well, I think when a male and female hang out, there will be at least one thought, even if just brief, of Hey, why not go for it?. This could just be hormones, desperation, or whatever. But it could also be that the guy is misreading your intentions. I once worked with a woman who was very outgoing, friendly, touchy, and all smiles. She was like that everyone. She also had a best friend (female) who she owned a home with. On top of it all, she smoked a lot of pot, too. It was hard to discern if she was just naturally flirtatious, if she was hitting on you, if she was a lesbian, or if she was just stoned. I am still friends with her after all these years and have since learned that she is not a lesbian and she sometimes wonders why no one ever tried to hook up with her.
I have another female friend, this one of about 20 years. When we first met she was trying to hook up with me, but I blew her off. We still hung out, though, always with mutual friends. At some point, I realized I had the hots for her, too, and decided to tell her about it. Well, I went over to her place to break the great news, but, she told me she was moving to another city to be with a guy she had met. They were married five years later and are still together to this day. At some point we have overcome those feelings, at least I did, and have become great friends. In fact, she is one of my all-time best friends. I have come to think of her as a sister and the thought of hooking up with her now would seem wrong.
Another great female friend of mine is an ex girlfriend. Now, before anyone tells me I am full of BS, let me assure you that we drifted apart physically, but remained close friends. We broke up because we realized we were good friends, but physically there was nothing there. It was mutual and a clean break. No one had hurt feelings and we had both hoped the other would start dating first so we wouldn't have to break the news to the other person.
I have other female friends, too. Personally I think it would be weird to hook up with someone I have known as a friend, in particular since we know so much about each other. With some, it would feel awkward to show them that side of me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gudra
Oh dear. I think a lot of men find platonic relationships hard or maybe they only value it when sex is thrown in ? My European friend finds American men better at handling it than his countrymen,( his delightful wife is American). I believe it's a cultural thing- you need to be of a certain mindset and in a society where the sexes are more equal- can't imagine the tradtional men in my country being capable of any.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Royalite
Yeah, I'm currently in a relationship now and often times they inquire about the health of my relationship or just act like they don't care.
I think I'm done trying to be friends with the opposite sex overall and I'll just try to focus my time and energy on personal development.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006
Some guys can be friends only with women.
But, Many many guys in this situation are there because they are waiting for the chance to date a woman, or hook up with them.
Many people will deny it, but many people find it difficult to be 'just friends' with the opposite sex.
I'd say its at least 50/50. 50% of guys can handle friends only, and 50% of guys will always eventually attempt to convert a woman friend into more.
IME, the older the guy, the more possible it is to be friends only. BUT, I know many people that have a friendship for 10+ years, and then they hook up.
All of this is why many guys have problems with their gf being friends with guys. Cause we know that at least half of the 'friends' would hook up with a woman, any woman, regardless if friends for 10 minutes, or ten years.
No, men and women cannot just be friends. Never, ever, ever have they been able to just be friends. Every single last man has tried to get in my pants at one point. This happened very recently and when I told him no, he's acting like moody baby boy and won't even talk to me anymore. Guys always misinterpret my friendliness as a sign of "oh yeah she wants me!" Even when I spell things out clearly and up front!
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