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You don't have to forgive her. No child should ever have to be made to feel that way. You can however put a new spin on her behavior by thinking of her as being tragically flawed, and missing out on knowing a fabulous person. Think of it as her loss, not your burden to understand crazy. Be grateful that you had a good family life some of us never even had that.
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Originally Posted by germaine2626
I am so sorry that happened to you and your brother.
Your family is the perfect example why sometimes a family needs to cut off contact with a "toxic relative".
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Originally Posted by Aztecgoddess
I feel your pain, time pass but memories... Memories linger.
Have you tried writing a letter to your late grandmother, expressing your feelings and all the awful memories she gave you? In may case, writing a letter helps release the emotions and makes anger go away. Not instantly of course, but with time.
Tell her everything you got for her, don't keep anything, otherwise it'll keep poising your heart.
Take care
Thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate them.
What i meant lily was if you forgive her ur not saying her behavior is ok. What u will be doing is releasing urself from the resentment etc that you have had for years and unfortunately has hurt you, not your grandmother. Just a suggestion for your welbeing.
What i meant lily was if you forgive her ur not saying her behavior is ok. What u will be doing is releasing urself from the resentment etc that you have had for years and unfortunately has hurt you, not your grandmother. Just a suggestion for your welbeing.
Yes, I tried to forgive her. I am very thankful of the people who do love me in my life. But her anniversary is coming up, just a lot of mixed emotions.
Just dread the day that I have to go to the memorial park with my mother in one month. I have nothing to say to her.
Well, don't go. It's as simple as that. Why honor or pretend to grieve for someone who tried to hurt you your entire life and of whom you have such bad memories? You are entitled to your feelings.
If your mother insists on knowing why, tell her what you've told us in this thread. It might do you good to let it out, instead of keeping it inside. Maybe then you can finally begin to let the past go.
Well, don't go. It's as simple as that. Why honor or pretend to grieve for someone who tried to hurt you your entire life and of whom you have such bad memories? You are entitled to your feelings.
If your mother insists on knowing why, tell her what you've told us in this thread. It might do you good to let it out, instead of keeping it inside. Maybe then you can finally begin to let the past go.
I agree.
You do not need to go with your mother to the gravesite and you should tell your mother exactly how your grandmother treated you & why you do not want to "honor her" after her death.
I know this is going to sound odd, but this has been the conversation between my mom and I.
me, "I really don't feel like going."
mom, "Why?"
me, "you know why."
mom, "I can't believe you are still thinking about this. She is not a good grandmother, she is not a good mother, I myself don't really have that mother daughter bond with her, but this is her anniversary. You pay respect to her and that is it. Just let it go."
I can't win. I love my mom dearly, sometimes I am thinking maybe I do make a big deal over nothing. After all, it has been such a long time and my grandmother is such a tiny part of my life. But why am I still so angry? I just don't have any love towards her.
Even though my experience is painful, I am kind of glad that I am not the only one who has experienced this.
I just don't get it. I've done some online research and I think my grandmother might have suffered from some kind of mental issues. It has to be mental illness. Not being able to bond with her own grandchildren just cannot be healthy and normal in my opinion. I understand she has been cheated on, but seriously, hate us?
You know, she even gave away MY birthday gift to her "favorite" grandchild. MY birthday gift, can you believe that? My favorite aunt gave me a little kitty cat purse, and my grandmother gave that purse to my cousin. In front of my face on my birthday!!!!! If this is not emotional abuse, I don't know what is.
My brother and I both can draw like there is no tomorrow. In her eyes, we were just useless. When I was a little girl, I would like to show my paintings/drawings to my family members and friends. I expected them to say, "Wow, that is great, I am so proud of you." My grandmother never gave me any compliments.
She called my brothers and myself useless, stupid, worthless, UGLY! WOW, are you kidding me? Strangers wanted to take our pictures everywhere we go because we were adorable kids. I can't believe she had the nerve to put us down like that.
She died of a heart attack at age of 81. In a way, I am glad that I never have to deal with her again, on the other hand, there are just so many unresolved feelings and issues. I don't want to "fix" the relationship, I don't. But I want to let her know how her words have hurt my brothers and I. I don't think she even realized that. I don't think about her daily, but when I do think about her, I am normally in really bad mood.
Thank you for sharing your story, I really appreciate it.
Take care.
With the birthday present incident not only was she disrespecting you but she was disrespecting your favorite aunt as well. I can't believe that no one was able to stop & correct grandma & give the purse back to you.
Although, I suspect that either she had everyone else terrified about her behavior (and worried about being on the receiving end of her ill will) or she did many of these mean things in private/not in front of adults who could step in to stop her.
With the birthday present incident not only was she disrespecting you but she was disrespecting your favorite aunt as well. I can't believe that no one was able to stop & correct grandma & give the purse back to you.
Although, I suspect that either she had everyone else terrified about her behavior (and worried about being on the receiving end of her ill will) or she did many of these mean things in private/not in front of adults who could step in to stop her.
I can't win. I love my mom dearly, sometimes I am thinking maybe I do make a big deal over nothing. After all, it has been such a long time and my grandmother is such a tiny part of my life. But why am I still so angry? I just don't have any love towards her.
I think the reason for your anger is that you and your brother didn't have the same grandmother your cousins had. You feel cheated and left out because of it. It's one thing to show a little favoritism to some family members, but to outright treat others as second class is totally unacceptable. It was totally out of line to use the two of you as whipping posts for her dislike of your grandfather.
I think it might help if you go on to prove your grandmother wrong. Become a successful artist (maybe you already are). By success, I don't mean you need to be the next Picasso (only artist I can name off the top of my head, besides Dali), just realize there are people out there who want to buy your work. Your personal success will prove your grandmother wrong.
I think the reason for your anger is that you and your brother didn't have the same grandmother your cousins had. You feel cheated and left out because of it. It's one thing to show a little favoritism to some family members, but to outright treat others as second class is totally unacceptable. It was totally out of line to use the two of you as whipping posts for her dislike of your grandfather.
I think it might help if you go on to prove your grandmother wrong. Become a successful artist (maybe you already are). By success, I don't mean you need to be the next Picasso (only artist I can name off the top of my head, besides Dali), just realize there are people out there who want to buy your work. Your personal success will prove your grandmother wrong.
My brother is a very successful industrial designer, I have my own business, I am a freelance artist, Art is something I do for fun.
She's dead now, I just want this month to go away. I know I will be fine.
Thank you for your kind words.
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In front of my face on my birthday!!!!! If this is not emotional abuse, I don't know what is. 
