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If you are a kid, do you want to spend hours in the car instead of playing with your new toys?
Maybe your brother listened to his kids and made HIS family his priority.
Since family is important. try to find a non-holiday weekend when the entire family could get together. Much less stress and cast in iron traditions. Also, what about your sister? Does she attend these Christmas Eve and Christmas morning events? You didn't mention her being there. If not, why does your Mother allow her an out?
I don't know, I'm in the minority here I guess....I don't blame your mom for getting bent, because what the child said about throwing money away on gifts just isn't something a child that age would ever say. Ever. The child heard it from someone else, no doubt about it, and it probably was his father. Who on earth has ever heard a child say anything like that? Children that age are just happy to get gifts -- unless someone has put something like that into their head and made them see it differently.
That said, I don't believe in making anyone do anything they don't want to do. I don't believe it's your place to wade into this fray and try to cajole your brother into bringing his family around or into mending fences with your mother. I realize you and your family are affected by this rift too, but I think it's pretty clear that the people involved are more interested in themselves than in making other people happy. That's their prerogative.
I think you should create your own traditions now. If you want to invite your mother and/or brother & his family, please do, but don't tolerate anyone else ruining or dictating your holidays. Do what YOU want. I realize what you want is for your family to be together and get along but that's not always possible.
Barring anything else, accommodate your brother's family if they'd like to visit separately without your mother there, but not to the point where you are scheduling your whole day around them.
Something that rarely if ever gets mentioned during these types of feuds:
So when the grandmother was 15 years old, she had a house that everyone came over to for Christmas?
No, she didn't.
At some point the grandmother was herself abiding by the tradition of someone 'above' her in the family and at some point THAT tradition was broken and she began hosting.
You gotta actually pass down the traditions for them to get...you know...passed down.
I don't know, I'm in the minority here I guess....I don't blame your mom for getting bent, because what the child said about throwing money away on gifts just isn't something a child that age would ever say. Ever. The child heard it from someone else, no doubt about it, and it probably was his father. Who on earth has ever heard a child say anything like that? Children that age are just happy to get gifts -- unless someone has put something like that into their head and made them see it differently.
I agree that the child heard it from someone else but I would have guessed the mom. Either way...he's a child let it go. And probably the child heard it in a format not exactly as he re-expressed it. Just a guess.
What seems clear is that the daughter-in-law hasn't been able to enjoy Christmas with her family the way she wants for years. Would a reconciliation mean she'd have to continue to sacrifice her Christmases foryears to come for the sake of her mother-in-law?[/quote]
I loved my MIL and FIL dearly but after many years of making a thousand mile plane trip a day or two before Christmas to celebrate the holiday THEIR way, and only their way, I finally put my foot down. We started celebrating our immediate family Christmas at our house and flying on Christmas day or a day or two later to see them after the holiday.
In my own extended family we celebrate Christmas another weekend not on Christmas. That has worked out well for over thirty years. Originally it was the first weekend in January but once more and more of the children grew up and moved away we changed it to summer. This year we celebrated together one weekend in August and had children and grandchildren and other relatives come in from ten different states. Could you even imagine coordinating that for Christmas Day?
Something that rarely if ever gets mentioned during these types of feuds:
So when the grandmother was 15 years old, she had a house that everyone came over to for Christmas?
No, she didn't.
At some point the grandmother was herself abiding by the tradition of someone 'above' her in the family and at some point THAT tradition was broken and she began hosting.
You gotta actually pass down the traditions for them to get...you know...passed down.
I don't think anyone can assume whom the child heard it from (if that was even the case - i Have a 4-year old great-nephew who says things that amaze me). I don't think it was that big of a deal regardless, why is your mom so bent out of shape over it? I think your mom should give your brother the benefit of the doubt when he says he did not say it and doesn't know who did.
Two things regarding the "tradition": My ex spent a lot of time with his family, to the point it came between us in the end. I don't want to have to spend every holiday with someone else's family, even though I liked them.
The second thing, is that by tradition, I spend the night at my nephew's on Christmas Eve. It started 30-some years ago when he and my niece were small, I was the "Guardian of the Tree" and kept them from trying to sneak down and get a peak at their presents. Now I do it for his kids. The thing is, I am kind of tired of doing it! I have to sleep on the couch, and they are up half the night so I get no sleep, and I am 51 and just want to sleep in my own bed, lol. But I continue doing it because I feel guilty and don't want to disappoint anyone. I just don't think you should make your brother feel guilty because he has broken tradition, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you guys as much.
Christmas has always been a traditional event at my parent's house. My brother and his family live about 2 hours away and I live nearby so for as long as I can remember we always gather at my folks house for Christmas eve and of course Christmas day. A few years ago my brother and his family decided to try something different and they decided to celebrate Christmas eve at their own home and then come over the following afternoon. Well this made things a bit awkward that year. Christmas morning had been about the grand children getting up early and opening gifts and it had been a fun and special event. Well that year it was pretty quiet since it was just my son, who was a little over a year old at the time, so we still did the gift openings as always but it just seemed kinda odd since we were missing the other 2 grand kids. It got even more unusual when my brother and his family came by later that afternoon and they opened up their gifts but by then the rest of us were over it and they basically opened their gifts alone while my son played in the living room with his toys from that morning.
Last year my brother and his family came for Christmas but left almost immediately after gifts were opened and didn't stick around for dinner claiming he had to work the following day. This upset my mom because she had planned on cooking a big feast and although she knew my brother had to work the 26th she had assumed they wouldn't head home till after dinner like they always had in the past. Then came the real icing on the cake. Mom was having a conversation with the oldest grandchild, who was 6 at the time, and the grandchild was being quite blunt and honest (as most kids are) and she mentioned to grandma "Boy grandma you sure like to throw your money away on all those gifts huh?". Needless to say this did NOT go over well with her since my parents are very generous with their kids and grand kids. My mom pulled my brother aside and just went off on him even though he claimed he never said such a thing but she claimed "Well she obviously heard it from somewhere!" and then proclaimed that her generosity was over and no more gifts for anyone ever again.
So they left before dinner even though I tried to convince him to just stick around till after dinner but he wouldn't hear of it. It was a very quiet dinner with my parents being visibly upset and it pretty much made it a very uncomfortable evening.
So this past year we haven't seen my brother and his family at all. Mom still gets calls every now and then but she keeps things short and sweet. The only way she knows what goes on with her other grandkids is through postings on Facebook via my sister in law but that's about it. It's pretty obvious that with the approaching holiday season that my brother and his family will not be coming for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas either so once again it's going to feel like a slightly off holiday without the other grandkids around to share in the joy of the holiday.
I've tried to talk to my mom about just sucking it up and inviting them over but she refused. My sister made things worse by just telling my mom she should just apologize to my brother and my mom feels she shouldn't need to apologize since she did nothing wrong.
I know I should probably just stay out of it and let things work themselves out but I just want this silly little feud to end. Life is just too dang short for this kind of thing and our parents aren't going to be around forever and the kids won't be little forever either so it's important to me that we cherish the holiday traditions we have had in the past and enjoy being with each other while we still have each other.
So any helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated
The reality is, your Mom's expectations were out of line.
It's time for her to step up and make the first move by contacting your brother.
She could make things a lot smoother by apologizing for not "getting it" before now and assuring your brother that she respects his right to have his own Christmas traditions with his wife and kids going forward.
You'd be helping your whole family out if you could get Mom to see this.
Traveling on the holidays is not something anyone with kids wants to do.
At some point traditions should change. Grandmother has to let it go.
Exactly.
Once our kids were school age we made a new rule - no traveling at Christmas because we wanted to establish our own traditions and build our own precious memories before it was time for them to be off on their own with their own families
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Now I do it for his kids. The thing is, I am kind of tired of doing it! I have to sleep on the couch, and they are up half the night so I get no sleep, and I am 51 and just want to sleep in my own bed, lol. But I continue doing it because I feel guilty and don't want to disappoint anyone. I just don't think you should make your brother feel guilty because he has broken tradition, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you guys as much.
