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My mother offers to buy things for us, and afterward it's like she's bought herself a free pass to refrain from any kind behavior afterward. Like any normal thing a human would help another human with, she will just not do it unless it would be a public social faux-pas.
She used to purchase things for us and then tell us those items belonged to her or were in her name, so we had to do what she wanted. But it's not like we begged her, we usually didn't even ask for the items she was using to control us (her three children.)
MY husband and I moved far away so our kids didn't have to be around my parents (obviously this is only one of MANY reasons but a huge perk). So when she finally gets around to calling us and finds out that we aren't coming for Christmas, she offers to buy us tickets. $2500 worth. Which is really a drop in the bucket to her by the way.. not that she would admit it.
I couldn't refuse the chance to have my kids see their relatives for the first time in 6 months so I took her up. Now I was just talking to her about when we could arrange to have my grandmother over to my mom's house so we could see them before Christmas. Went like this:
Me: "Would Nana be up for breakfast on Thursday or Saturday?"
Her: "Nope. You'll have to make those arrangements"
Now this may sound normal to you but given the context- the "Nope" really got to me. We're staying in HER house, so you would think she would want some involvement in helping my children to see their great grandmother, and all the circumstances concerning the event since its happening in her house... right? Or is this her first move of "Nope. I already bought you tickets so I don't have to do another damn thing for you."
She wasn't even concerned about when I wanted to plan it, as if she wasn't going to even be there. I'm sure she will contribute the socially acceptable amount of involvement with me planning a breakfast in her kitchen and thats it. Let's just say she has a strange relationship with my grandmother as well.
Thoughts?
(I don't know if it helps, but her main line of attack when we got angry about her control over us using our possessions, she would go into tears about how ungrateful and unloving we were. Not just to us, I've realized several of my distant relatives think i'm a spoiled brat who's never worked a day in my life.)
My question is, what is she doing?? What do you think her likely next move would be so I can be proactive? As an abused child, if I'm not prepared to counter her manipulative behavior, I get confused and can't THINK when these things are going down. So I typically have no mental or emotional resources to counter with.
My mother offers to buy things for us, and afterward it's like she's bought herself a free pass to refrain from any kind behavior afterward. Like any normal thing a human would help another human with, she will just not do it unless it would be a public social faux-pas.
She used to purchase things for us and then tell us those items belonged to her or were in her name, so we had to do what she wanted. But it's not like we begged her, we usually didn't even ask for the items she was using to control us (her three children.)
MY husband and I moved far away so our kids didn't have to be around my parents (obviously this is only one of MANY reasons but a huge perk). So when she finally gets around to calling us and finds out that we aren't coming for Christmas, she offers to buy us tickets. $2500 worth. Which is really a drop in the bucket to her by the way.. not that she would admit it.
I couldn't refuse the chance to have my kids see their relatives for the first time in 6 months so I took her up. Now I was just talking to her about when we could arrange to have my grandmother over to my mom's house so we could see them before Christmas. Went like this:
Me: "Would Nana be up for breakfast on Thursday or Saturday?"
Her: "Nope. You'll have to make those arrangements"
Now this may sound normal to you but given the context- the "Nope" really got to me. We're staying in HER house, so you would think she would want some involvement in helping my children to see their great grandmother, and all the circumstances concerning the event since its happening in her house... right? Or is this her first move of "Nope. I already bought you tickets so I don't have to do another damn thing for you."
She wasn't even concerned about when I wanted to plan it, as if she wasn't going to even be there. I'm sure she will contribute the socially acceptable amount of involvement with me planning a breakfast in her kitchen and thats it. Let's just say she has a strange relationship with my grandmother as well.
Thoughts?
(I don't know if it helps, but her main line of attack when we got angry about her control over us using our possessions, she would go into tears about how ungrateful and unloving we were. Not just to us, I've realized several of my distant relatives think i'm a spoiled brat who's never worked a day in my life.)
Sounds weird but not that strange. I mean based on that story she just sounds indifferent about the whole plan.
Have any other examples? Maybe list some things she gave you, how she tried to "control" you with them and then didn't do. To some extent that's a pretty normal way of getting kids to do things and maybe you wanted her to do more than she felt she had to. I think how normal this is depends on to what extent it happen(ed).
Since your mother has behaved this way for your entire life, why would you have any realistic expectation that it would be different? Do you believe that behavior patterns that have lasted a life time are going to somehow miraculously change simply because you want them to? Of course not.
Knowing what you know, you either accept the tickets for what they are and take care of yourself, or you graciously decline the offer. It's as simple as that. I'm sure that you would like for your mother to be a different person, but it's not going to happen. Your denial and refusal to accept this is what is causing your pain. As soon as you understand that HER behavior has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, and you quit trying to seek her approval and have a loving, squishy mother, your life is going to be much better. As far as your children, when they ask you "Why" she does something, simply tell them "that's how she is", and make plans to deal with it accordingly.
You know how she is, why would you accept anything from her? She's not going to change and I think you're mistaken for putting your family in the middle of this. Go visit when you can afford to on your own dime.
I accepted this tickets from her because we would do anything to see the OTHER half of our family, and I have parts of my family I really need to see as well. My great grandmother for example. And my husband needs to see our father.
We moved across the country for reasons that don't apply here but getting away from my parents was a huge plus. I didn't expect her to change- I'm just trying to "take care of myself" here since I needed the tickets. I am not concerned with changing here. My question is...... What is this behavior? How can I prepare myself to confront her when she does this "Nope" thing again during the trip? I'm trying to take care of myself by sending obvious clues to her that I will not be bullied ad that I disapprove of her childish disinvolvement when she is unable to bully me.
Another example would be when she gave me a car for my sixteenth and seventeenth birthdays, and when they sent me off to college (on crutches at the time) and when we got to campus she took the car back with her, saying I could have it back when I got a job. That's right...I was suppose to hobble around a large campus AND find a job with no car... on crutches.
It's not that my original example is out of ordinary for a normal person, but I can recognize this behavior in her as being a little more manipulative than usual and it will only escalate.
You're basically using her and she knows it. You don't want to see her - as you said above - you want to see the other half of the family and so you think you are doing her a favor by accepting her kind offer.
Entitlement much?
If you don't like it, try paying your own airfare and staying in a hotel.
Are you basically saying your mother is an "Indian giver"?
When it comes to gifts like that, with strings and all, and you knowingly accept the gift... you are no longer in the position to confront that behavior. You simply accept that her actions is the price you must pay for such "gifts".
You're basically using her and she knows it. You don't want to see her - as you said above - you want to see the other half of the family and so you think you are doing her a favor by accepting her kind offer.
Entitlement much?
If you don't like it, try paying your own airfare and staying in a hotel.
This could be some of it but the thing with the car sounds weird. Did you guys actually work out plans for what is happening with the car? Was it actually yours or were they just letting you use it?
What I'm trying to understand here is if she's actually doing this on purpose and has some sort of motive, if she's just careless and terrible at planning and communicating, or you think you're entitled to these things. Maybe its some combination of all three?
Also not saying this is the case because I really don't know the whole story but her kind of behavior would make sense if you were a bit of an entitled bratty child and she had to keep you on a short leash. Ultimately you could say its your parents fault for letting you grow up that way if that's the case. It sounds like your parents paid for your school, loaned you a car for two years, and are paying for you to fly out while really not expecting you to actually do anything for them, which is way nicer than anything my family ever did or does for me...
Based on what I've heard so far it sounds like she is going to keep doing this because it sounds like its something in her character. Can't say what it is or if its good or bad but unless something changes expect the same results, which to me just sound like really poor planning. Maybe you could talk to her more and make sure you get the full scoop on everything before anything happens? I know I have to do that in my family because we all tend to be careless at times.
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