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If you have never had a friend who habitually did this, the OP doesn't make sense to you. I admire that you stood up to your friend. I put up with this for years, adjusted my time for her, and did everything I could to understand. I have heard every excuse in the book, from the dog wouldn't come in to I lost track of time. If it is habitual, it is lack of respect. The person feels they are more important then you and you can wait for them.
If the person is only late occasionally, then their excuses are probably true, but every time is a control issue. You will see it in other ways also. My time is valuable, and if they value the friendship, they would try to be on time. If not, I move on.
If the person is only late occasionally, then their excuses are probably true, but every time is a control issue. You will see it in other ways also. My time is valuable, and if they value the friendship, they would try to be on time. If not, I move on.
I agree, it is a control issue. Them trying to control you. I've had two friendships in my life that both pulled this kind of behavior on me. Left me waiting many times for an hour past the time we'd agree to meet. Lots of excuses. My only excuse for putting up with it was a bad time in my life and I felt glad to have these jerks as friends. I look back and realize that it was a form of disrespect that I allowed to let happen.
I'm happy to say I've changed in that I will no longer put up with anyone making me wait an hour for them. I'll leave after 20 minutes and text/call them to let them know where they can find me, if they care.
I don't think that's true. My mother has been one of those "late" people her whole life. If we tell her we'll pick her up at 1:00, she'll be ready around 1:45. It's not that she doesn't care, she just has some kind of mental block around it for whatever reason. I think every time, she intends to be on time, but something falls apart in the process for her. We just lie about what time we want her ready, problem solved. I'm certainly not going to waste my energy getting upset about something I know in advance is going to happen. Just assume when friend says 1:00 she means 2:00, problem solved.
And yet, if she HAS to be somewhere at a particular time, such as work, or to catch a plane, or to go to a movie, I bet she's on time.
I told a chronically late relative the Christmas dinner was at 2:00. He said he would be there. I would estimate he came at around 5:00. He always seems to come just as we are eating. He "took the wrong freeway." Naturally, I asked "why," because he's been to this party numerous times over the years.
He is just rude and entitled. We had a sit-down dinner at the dining room table, and everyone but him cleared their plate afterwards.
He also expects people to serve him coffee as soon as he arrives and dessert when he is ready. He's horribly sexist, but more maddening is the clueless rudeness.
Some people are just punctuality-challenged. It's very important to me that I arrive places on time, but I understand that everyone doesn't think that way.
I used to have a friend who would show up late habitually. Sometimes she would request that I pick her up at a very inconvenient time and because I always try to be a good friend, I would agree to it. Half the time when I would arrive at her door, she would either still be in bed or otherwise engaged. She would pop in at my house at any time that was convenient for her and expect me to drop everything to entertain her. She was never, ever on time. In DECADES never did she respect me enough to actually be on time or do what she said she would do. I stopped making plans with her once I finally decided to respect myself and my own time enough to say, "That's NOT okay." She was outraged when I finally spoke up after years and years of allowing myself to be a doormat. The "being late" thing must be a personality trait that goes hand in hand with entitlement. She always had to be the one who was in control. And that is not how an authentic friendship works.
If I say I am going to be somewhere, I am there. If I know I am going to be late, I let the other person know that I am detained. I don't expect them to sit and wait for me. If they do wait, I am appreciative and I apologize for my being late.
I was supposed to meet a friend yesterday between 4:15 and 4:30 for an early dinner. (I hadn't had lunch.) I texted her at 3:30 and told her I'd be there closer to 4:15, she read my text. I got there at 4:10, texted her again with the exact location. She texted back at 4:23 that it took longer to scrape the ice off her car than expected. I thought I knew where she was leaving from, so assumed she'd be there in 10-15 minutes. She didn't show til 4:50, just as I was leaving. I was really pi$$ed by then, so I let her know and left. Would you have waited that long? Was I unreasonable?
Does it make a difference that she frequently does this? About a year ago, she called me an hour after she was supposed to meet me to let me know she was leaving the house. She lives an hour away from where we were meeting. I told her not to bother.
Is this habitual? Hey, if it's once in a blue moon, then relax. But if this happens all the time then, yes, you are dealing with a thoughtless person. Some points to remember:
1) The most precious thing someone has is time. It is the stuff of which life is made. People who don't your time seriously don't take you seriously as a person.
2) People who are habitually late are people who are self-entered or, even worse, are controllers who want you to dance to their tune. Forget what they say and pay attention to what they do.
3) People who tell you "Oh, I'm incapable of being on time" are almost always liars. They just are. They manage to be on time to job interviews. They manage to be reasonably on time to work, funerals, or weddings. They just don't think you are important enough to care.
4) The few people who really are chronically late to everything are addled nitwits who can't be trusted to manage their own lives like actual grownups. The world is filled with devices and software that remind any responsible adult of appointments and upcoming events. The people in question just don't think about it. That means, sooner or later, you'll be dealing with their dysfunction. You don't want to be that person. There is no reward in their friendship.
5) If the late party thinks that you're anal for getting steamed as you cool your heels for 45 minutes to an hour, then you are dealing with a supremely self-centered person. Avoid. Any person with a sense of decency would be very apologetic for making you wait that long. There is no rationalization for this. They are about them at all times. Without even reading this thread, I'm sure that are a bunch of people who are wanting to depict you as the person in the wrong for actually expecting the other person to be on time. These are people who want to justify their self-centeredness by pathologizing your own considerate behavior.
6) Five minutes late? No big deal. Ten minutes late? Okay. Fifteen minutes late? What, your mobile phone doesn't work? Twenty minutes? Walk.
7) The first time she did this to you, it was her fault. The second time she did it to you, it was your fault. People who are always late have a way of being punctual when they realize you won't put up with it.
Not necessarily, people are often late for all these as well.
Yes, but they don't stay employed very often (their employers drop them), they often aren't allowed in the movie for fear of disturbing other patrons or they'll miss part of the movie (the movie doesn't wait), and they miss their planes (the planes leave without them.)
So . . . why should the rest of the world accommodate to their tardy ways?
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