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Hello all. I know I just posted a different thread, however, this thread is urgent as I am at the end of my rope with my mother.
My mother and I see the world from completely different views. If she sees red, I see blue. If she sees a situation one way, I see it in a completely different light. However, I admit, I am hardheaded and she is hardheaded, and we always try to prove that our view is the right one. Over last summer I had sort of a life-altering experience. I decided I wanted to change my deteriorating relationship with my mother, however, we both sort of relapsed to our old ways. However, since she is my mother, she is apparently always right and my opinion surmounts to nothing.
The real issue is, my mother is two-faced with me. One day she is telling how much she loves me, how she is so proud of everything I have accomplished. The next day, she is cursing me out telling me how horrible I am in a way, in my opinion, a mother should never tell her child.
What brought me here was an incident tonight. She for my birthday had bought me a nicer fleece/sweatshirt that I had begged her not to buy me. I had told her when she told me she wanted to buy it for me that I wouldn't wear it, to please not waste the money, that I would much rather wear a regular sweatshirt. But despite everything I tried to tell her. I told her that wasn't the way I dressed, that I always put on my casual clothing. She wouldn't listen and bought it anyways. Tonight, my parents and I were going out to dinner, and she was desperate for me to wear the sweatshirt/fleece. In hindsight, I should have put it on, but I really didn't like this piece of clothing, and I just wanted to wear the regular sweatshirt, as that is my style (we weren't going out to a fancy dinner or anything). After some arguing, she called me a: "miserable person", "a slob", "a piece of ****", and told me she was at the end of her rope with me while dropping the f-bomb a couple times in the process. She will also hold the things she does for me against me.
I just don't know what to do. I realize I will never have a good relationship with my mother, and I am tired of this "game" where she is nice for a day then mean for a day, etc.. What should I do? I don't think I deserve to be treated like this.
It is difficult for two hard-headed people who have to be right to get along.
It seems to me that, yes, she could have listened to what you like and bought you something you would wear. On the flip side, you wanted to wear a sweatshirt and she bought you a sweatshirt. Unless the one she bought had little pink bunnies on it, would it have hurt you to wear it for the couple of hours you were with her? A sweatshirt IS a sweatshirt.
I am in no way condoning what she said to you. I have never been swore at by my mom, however I would never have swore at her either. What makes either of you think that is okay? Do either of you treat other people that way?
Both of you need family counseling and/or individual counseling. Or just leave each other alone.
She's not going to change and she shouldn't have to.
You're not going to change and you shouldn't have to.
I HAD a friend like her. This woman knew what was best for everyone; what they should/shouldn't do with their lives; what they liked/didn't like; etc. She would also do things even if you begged her not to.
I cut her out of my life and haven't spoken to her in over a year. We were actually friends for over 20 years. She never really tried the stuff on me and I basically ignored most of her nonsense until she did something that caused HUGE problems for me. That was the end of it and I haven't spoken to her since.
As for you and your mother? What does your father think of the situation? Or does she do this to him, too? You have to sit down and speak with both of them in a calm manner and explain that you TOLD her not to buy you the sweatshirt because you didn't like or want it and don't understand why she would buy it. If she gets all crazy, invite her to family counseling. If she refuses, there is not much more you can do.
I am in no way condoning what she said to you. I have never been swore at by my mom, however I would never have swore at her either. What makes either of you think that is okay? Do either of you treat other people that way?
I have never sworn at her in my life. She loves to tell me to grow up, but yet she still curses me out like a middle schooler. It just boggles my mind.
If that sounds enigmatic, I'm sorry, but the honest truth is you're willingly playing the game with her. Instead, kiss her on the cheek, laugh out loud, and say "hey mom, you're kind of weird but, know what? I love you anyway", all your problems will go away. Guaranteed. Not a one time fix, you have to keep doing it over and over, but that's no problem because it's really how you feel, right?
Don't know if you're a parent but this is similar to when a toddler or teen-ager tells the parent "I hate you" and the parent laughs and says "That's OK, I still love you."
It works.
Has this gone on for nearly your entire life, or is it something that started more recently, maybe in the past few years?
Talk to your father: Has he noticed unusual behavior/attitude changes in your mom? I wonder if a physical exam is in order? There are all sorts of medical conditions that be linked to this, could be triggering things that under normal circumstances she'd be able to hold in check.
When I read your accounting of events I see two unreasonable people. There was no reason to curse and get upset. There was also no reason for this argument to have ever occurred because you should've put the sweatshirt on with no arguing. I think everyone has had the experience of a relative giving a gift that wasn't particularly to the recipient's tastes. In fact, this features as a theme in nearly every TV program you see involving parents or in-laws. No one is saying you have to wear that sweatshirt every day, but as a gesture of love for your mother, it would've been nice to put it on and wear it in front of her (every once in awhile.) To have it descend into any sort of argument (particularly when you wanted to wear a sweatshirt, just a "different" sweatshirt) was petty. Whether or not she chooses gifts you like, she IS the woman who gave birth to you and raised you, and that deserves a gesture of respect, particularly one as small and inconsequential to you as putting on a darn sweatshirt.
When she gave you the sweatshirt, if it came with a gift receipt, you should have exchanged it for something you like. If it didn't come with a gift receipt, you should have donated it to charity.
Then, when she started harping on you, you could have told her what you did. She probably would have carried on like a jackass, anyway, but then she'd probably never get you another gift you don't want. She may also not give you anymore gifts at all, but from the sounds of it, you wouldn't be bothered by it too much.
If the OP is under age 18, then I think he should realize that he can soon move out and live on his own and just go along with things -- including the wearing of the shirt.
If the OP is over age 18, living on his own, no way should he wear a particular shirt because his mom told him to. Mom needs to accept that adult children have their own styles and if she insists on buying him something he doesn't like, then he should give it to Goodwill. Remind her that he tries to buy her something she would like and he'd appreciate the same in return.
And stop going out to dinner with your parents until they accept you as an over 18 year old, fully independent and self-reliant adult.
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