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Old 04-08-2014, 09:08 AM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,764,332 times
Reputation: 25416

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Quote:
Originally Posted by kwhitegocubs View Post
Indeed, if you don't care about someone who has had far worse life struggles than you, then why should I, internet person, care about your issues? He's as much a victim as you are; nobody wants to end up a drug-addicted jailbird trying to scratch by on side construction jobs. I'm sure that's an unpopular opinion because we (in America especially) love to blame people who descend into crime for their actions, as if they have no internal demons or struggles, as if we would be any different if we experienced every one of the things (individually) that they did.

Put another way, nobody becomes that way in a vacuum, and while you may not be able to muster empathy for him (understandable), I'm certainly not going to help you try to destroy his last chance, especially given that recidivism for older felons is statistically near zero regardless of the crime. Nothing you posted about sounded like it was bad at all; he doesn't beat the girl or the daughter, doesn't commit any crimes, etc...
B.S. The brother isn't a victim. He's made choices just like the OP has. And even if he wasn't a violent, drug-abusing ex-con she still doesn't have to live with him.

She's not "destroying his last chance," she's trying to create a secure environment for herself and her elderly mother.

Did you read the part about how in the past he's broken into their home, held a knife to her throat and stolen things to support his drug habit? And now you think she's supposed to welcome him with open arms?
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Old 04-08-2014, 09:15 AM
 
1,459 posts, read 2,215,609 times
Reputation: 3108
Unbelievable. This poster is getting crap for not rolling out the red carpet for a multiple felon who previously held a knife to her throat?
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Old 04-08-2014, 09:17 AM
 
4,787 posts, read 9,244,776 times
Reputation: 12632
OP- This is your second thread on this topic. Your first thread was from when before your brother moved in. You got lots of advice on that multi page thread on how to keep your brother from moving in. Yet, now there is your brother in the apartment, drinking heavily and wanting to move others in with him.

I really think you have absolutely no control over this situation. Your mom is making the decisions and she is too weak minded to do anything to keep your brother out. She likes to complain about it, but seems unwilling to take the steps to get anything done. Evidently your input is disregarded..

So the questions I have for you are- are you calling the landlord today and telling him that the lease is being violated ? Are you calling elder services today, reporting the situation with your mother ? Are you calling your bother's parole officer today and telling him he is drinking, maybe not going to drug rehab, etc.

When are you going to do something ? If you're not willing to be proactive, then there's no much people on the internet can help you with. You've got to do this stuff now. I have a feeling nothing is going to get done as you don't want to be the the one doing the reporting. You're venting on the internet, which is fine, but it solves nothing.

I really think the best thing for you to do is to move out. Try to find a shelter, friends, other family, etc. you can stay with for the time being . Leave this dysfunctional mess permanently behind. Your mom is not going to change. Your brother is going to leech off your mom and she is going to permit it. The baby daddy is likely to make trouble. It's a disaster and is only going to get worse. You can't save them, but you can save yourself. Good luck

Last edited by willow wind; 04-08-2014 at 10:40 AM..
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Old 04-08-2014, 09:47 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,472 posts, read 43,550,710 times
Reputation: 47208
Once somebody gets into the cargiver position and attitude it is very hard to break free. OP's mother has come to depend on her for all sorts of things and i bet even going on interviews at this oint is difficult.

OP You will be held responsible for rent since you are on lease. if you move out because this jer and his entourage are moving in you will still be on the lease and legally responsible. Don't turn your back on that.

Tell your mother you are willing to ask the landlord to remove you from lease and move out and will no longer be able to help her if she allows the man et al to move into YOUR home. Then grow a pair and call the landlord, parole officer and CPS if this woman tries to bring her child into your home with this low life. You half brother and his friends are not your responsibility. Just screw up your nerve and do what you know you have to do. You need to stand up to your mother in this ASAP.
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Old 04-08-2014, 11:00 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,764 posts, read 2,322,669 times
Reputation: 1871
I'm sorry you are going through all this. In my experience, the "favorite" child can get away with murder and we are just expected to pretend like everything is normal. It doesn't matter how outrageous, illegal or inappropriate their behavior becomes.

With that said, however, I would do anything/everything I could to not allow my mother to get taken advantage of even if it meant contacting the brother's parole officer, calling the police on him randomly or making life a bit too annoying for him to want to stay there. It might sounds a bit unfair, but so is his assumption that everyone wants to endure him, his gf and her child especially when there is potentially physical harm from her ex. It's all an equation for disaster. Keep in mind, though, most felons know other felons and he will not be happy with your choice to stand up to him. You have to think of your and your mother's safety with whatever you do.

In the meantime, can you apply for some type of elderly care for your mother so an independent person is coming in and assessing the situation? Does she belong to a church? If so, can you talk to the church leader for help and direction? What about other family members? Does she have a sibling or other relatives she may be willing to listen to about the danger of this situation? Pull out all the stops and ask anybody for help that you think might be willing to listen and reason with your mother.

Good luck to you.
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Old 04-08-2014, 11:05 AM
 
460 posts, read 407,298 times
Reputation: 1111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
Did you read the part about how in the past he's broken into their home, held a knife to her throat and stolen things to support his drug habit? And now you think she's supposed to welcome him with open arms?
Those things happened decades ago, from the way I read the post. Moreover, he has been out on parole for five years now without a relapse into crime. Finally, his drinking was described moderately (wine coolers have the alcohol content of a beer).

Of course, the last part is harder to say "yes" to. I think she "should" because, as I posted a couple of times, criminals very rarely lapse into recidivism at that age or older. He's almost certainly not the same threat he was 20 or 30 years ago. But even if it is rational to be supportive and attempt to mend fences despite his past, that doesn't change the way she may react and feel about him. I was unnecessarily judgmental on that point. I am sorry. For what an internet apology is worth, I overreacted and am sorry.

I also see - from her post - that she was looking for help and advice for him. She just can't trust him personally. I get that.

But the NIMBY concept for ex-felons in America is nearly universal. Employers don't want to employ them, people don't want to live with them or near them, family members don't want to forgive them, and the law is always harsher for repeat offenders even though the deck is stacked more against them economically and socially. I sympathize with criminals a great deal because the fundamental attribution error is wielded against them (and their associates) consistently. People believe ex-felons are "fundamentally" a separate and inferior class of people even though study after study shows that most of one's propensity to commit crime is entirely controlled by childhood poverty, parental education level, and a handful of other non-chosen demographic factors. Much of society believes that "their" actions represent a fundamental quality of their being that non-criminals don't possess, and so they are left on the outskirts of society and subjected to steep odds of ever integrating once that first conviction occurs. This merely reinforces the vicious cycle.

That's all. :/
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Old 04-08-2014, 11:26 AM
 
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,069 posts, read 2,888,445 times
Reputation: 1930
Original poster, since you said it is not legal for your half brother to be there, why not call the police so they can remove him?
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Old 04-08-2014, 11:38 AM
 
1,729 posts, read 1,487,643 times
Reputation: 886
Hes a practicing alcoholic and a drug addict. You and your syrupy BS about the poor creep would get laughed out of your nearest AA meeting.

When hes done 12 steppin then I listen to his BS. until then he needs to start making amends to those hes harmed in his addicted alcoholic felonious past
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Old 04-08-2014, 12:06 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,562,924 times
Reputation: 26189
Wow, just Wow! What a mess. I have to say...YOu seem to be attacking your elderly, bedridden Mom for not standing up...What are you doing? Tell this loser to hit the road...He can go stay with his girlfriend. You could always call his parole officer if he gets ugly.
Your poor Mom...I do not blame either of you for being afraid of this guy....scarey. But, call the state ombudsman and discuss this. You certainly need to be employed, or at least on some sort of assistance too..or you are at least part of the problem....You could at least check on whether you can be paid to be your mothers caregiver...most states have some sort of program like this.
Get very familiar with laws in your area regarding elder laws, elder abuse etc. If he is stealing....you will likely get blamed if you are responsible for helping pay her bills. Protect yourself and talk to someone about this situation asap. That is my opinion.
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Old 04-08-2014, 12:21 PM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,764,332 times
Reputation: 25416
Quote:
Originally Posted by kwhitegocubs View Post
Those things happened decades ago, from the way I read the post. Moreover, he has been out on parole for five years now without a relapse into crime. Finally, his drinking was described moderately (wine coolers have the alcohol content of a beer).

Of course, the last part is harder to say "yes" to. I think she "should" because, as I posted a couple of times, criminals very rarely lapse into recidivism at that age or older. He's almost certainly not the same threat he was 20 or 30 years ago. But even if it is rational to be supportive and attempt to mend fences despite his past, that doesn't change the way she may react and feel about him. I was unnecessarily judgmental on that point. I am sorry. For what an internet apology is worth, I overreacted and am sorry.

I also see - from her post - that she was looking for help and advice for him. She just can't trust him personally. I get that.

But the NIMBY concept for ex-felons in America is nearly universal. Employers don't want to employ them, people don't want to live with them or near them, family members don't want to forgive them, and the law is always harsher for repeat offenders even though the deck is stacked more against them economically and socially. I sympathize with criminals a great deal because the fundamental attribution error is wielded against them (and their associates) consistently. People believe ex-felons are "fundamentally" a separate and inferior class of people even though study after study shows that most of one's propensity to commit crime is entirely controlled by childhood poverty, parental education level, and a handful of other non-chosen demographic factors. Much of society believes that "their" actions represent a fundamental quality of their being that non-criminals don't possess, and so they are left on the outskirts of society and subjected to steep odds of ever integrating once that first conviction occurs. This merely reinforces the vicious cycle.

That's all. :/
It's rare to see someone say "oops, I was wrong" in a forum so kudos to you.

I think he got out of prison this past December and moved in with the OP and her mother last week, rather than having been out for 5 years. If he'd been out for 5 years without any trouble that would be a different story.

I agree with you that ex-felons find themselves in difficult circumstances and are often not supported by family members. I also agree that they are not fundamentally different from the rest of us, but often are a product of their environment.

Nevertheless, if I were caring for my elderly disabled mother and my brother who had a history of drug addition, thievery and violence wanted to move himself, his girlfriend and her child into a 3 bedroom apartment in violation of the lease, I wouldn't let him past the front door. He's working and his girlfriend can get a job and they can get their own place.

My heart goes out to the child in this situation and I'd be much more interested in helping her out than my brother.
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