I keep losing friends; I need help figuring out what I'm doing wrong (jealous, wife)
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I think I need some help to figure out why I seem to lose friends/can't make many friends. I was thinking about the concept of a friend coach--maybe where a therapist helps you figure out why you're not succeeding in relationships and coaches you on how to change things in order to make friends. I think I need one to help me figure out my problem. But I've never heard of a friend coach, and do't know if a therapist could even help me with this.
Here's a little background on this problem. I think I am a nice, normal person. I'm a woman in my early 30's, happily married for five years, no kids, have a good career, a great hubby, well-educated (graduate level), and am drama-free. I have a nice personality, and don't have any weirdness to my personality. I am a non-smoker, non-drinker, and am clean-cut. Height/weight proportional. I have a great, small group of friends from college who are scattered throughout the country, so I rarely see them, but I am in touch with them freqeuntly. So I can make friends and have successfully done so in the past. Before college I had lots of friends, from school, camp, activities, etc.
However, with the exception of one gal, who is really more of an acquaintance, I have not made a new friend in over six years despite trying really hard. My husband and I moved to our current city three years ago. To meet people, I have joined multiple community social groups, regularly ask people out for lunch, etc., am friendly with my work colleagues, etc. I take adult ed classes as well in my areas of interest. We do not feel any sense of social connection here after three years. We are both really active in terms of trying to make social connections.
Recently, there have been three incidents that have really bothered me regarding losing friends. All three are completely inexplicable. One involves a gal who I met and we really hit it off, we started hanging out, emailing, talking on the phone, for a couple months. I was thinking the relationship was going well and that she was turning into a real friend. Then we went out on a double date with our husbands, and after that she refused to speak to me anymore. Wouldn't return my calls, emails, never spoke to me again. This was 5 months ago. I was really upset about it, because I have no idea what I did wrong. She refused to speak to me after a double date with our husbands. Nothing controversial or offensive was discussed at this dinner. I have no idea why she ended our friendship. My hubby says that either she didn't like him, or her husband told her not to associate with me anymore. But why? I don't get it.
Fast forward to two months ago. My husband and I went on vacation and had a layover in the city of my aunt. So as a nice gesture, I made special arrangements to have dinner with this aunt who I had only met twice previously because she lives very far away, but started having a nice email relationship with over the past year--emailing every week, sharing photos, etc. My husband and I went out with my aunt and uncle and their child. My aunt is about 15 years older than me, but we have a lot in common. The dinner went really well. I sent her a thank you email and sent her all the photos I took of her and her family that night. However, after that, she no longer speaks to me. This is my own family member--I am so upset. I don't know what I did wrong. She refuses to return any of my emails, calls, etc. My husband has no idea either. I mean, it was only a 3-hour dinner, consisting mainly of small talk. We've gone from her emailing me once a week to her not returning any of my emails/messages. She clearly wants nothing more to do with me. My parents are also confused as to what could be going on here. Again, hubby says that maybe she didn't like him. But she's my aunt--again, I don't get it.
Then, three weeks ago, I Facebook friended a new cousin who just got on Facebook. I was excited by the idea of staying in touch with her. She denied my friend request. My own cousin refused my friend request. I'm upset about this. I haven't had that much interaction except at family reunions with this cousin, and I was excited by the prospect of keeping in touch more often with Facebook. But for her to blatantly refuse her own cousin's friend request? I have never refused family friend requests--how can you? It's a slap in the face, and when you see those people next, it would be awkward.
There have been other similar incidents too where I lose friends or am completely unable to make friends. I am normally an outgoing person who loves to be around people, but each of these incidents are chipping away at my desire to reach out to others, because of all this rejection.
I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what the problem could be. I am not the kind of person who has an extreme personality. I also feel that I have really high emotional intelligence so I don't say offensive things to people and am really sensitive to social cues. I don't think I'm doing anything overt to turn people off. I've asked my husband, who has been there with me at these things, and he says there is nothing I'm doing that could be construed as offensive.
But clearly the problem is me. I am turning people off with something I am doing. How can I figure out what this is? My husband has no idea. I have no idea. It is very distressing and I think about this all the time.
Any thoughts on this?
Last edited by kibblesandbits; 07-20-2009 at 09:00 AM..
Well, I have to say this. There's something going on here that you're not telling us, for none of this adds up.
I know, it makes no sense on why I keep losing friends/can't make friends. I lie awake in bed at night re-playing the events in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong so that these people want nothing more to do with me. And my aunt is the most upsetting, honestly. How can your own family member decide they want nothing more to do with you after one three-hour dinner that seemed to go incredibly well?
I think I need some help to figure out why I seem to lose friends/can't make many friends. I was thinking about the concept of a friend coach--maybe where a therapist helps you figure out why you're not succeeding in relationships and coaches you on how to change things in order to make friends. I think I need one to help me figure out my problem. But I've never heard of a friend coach, and do't know if a therapist could even help me with this.
Here's a little background on this problem. I think I am a nice, normal person. I'm a woman in my early 30's, happily married for five years, no kids, have a good career, a great hubby, well-educated (graduate level), and am drama-free. I have a nice personality, and don't have any weirdness to my personality. I am a non-smoker, non-drinker, and am clean-cut. Height/weight proportional. I have a great, small group of friends from college who are scattered throughout the country, so I rarely see them, but I am in touch with them freqeuntly. So I can make friends and have successfully done so in the past. Before college I had lots of friends, from school, camp, activities, etc.
However, with the exception of one gal, who is really more of an acquaintance, I have not made a new friend in over six years despite trying really hard. My husband and I moved to our current city three years ago. To meet people, I have joined multiple community social groups, regularly ask people out for lunch, etc., am friendly with my work colleagues, etc. I take adult ed classes as well in my areas of interest. We do not feel any sense of social connection here after three years. We are both really active in terms of trying to make social connections.
Recently, there have been three incidents that have really bothered me regarding losing friends. All three are completely inexplicable. One involves a gal who I met and we really hit it off, we started hanging out, emailing, talking on the phone, for a couple months. I was thinking the relationship was going well and that she was turning into a real friend. Then we went out on a double date with our husbands, and after that she refused to speak to me anymore. Wouldn't return my calls, emails, never spoke to me again. This was 5 months ago. I was really upset about it, because I have no idea what I did wrong. She refused to speak to me after a double date with our husbands. Nothing controversial or offensive was discussed at this dinner. I have no idea why she ended our friendship.
Fast forward to two months ago. My husband and I went on vacation and had a layover in the city of my aunt. So as a nice gesture, I made special arrangements to have dinner with this aunt who I had only met twice previously because she lives very far away, but started having a nice email relationship with over the past year--emailing every week, sharing photos, etc. My husband and I went out with my aunt and uncle and their child. My aunt is about 15 years older than me, but we have a lot in common. The dinner went really well. I sent her a thank you email and sent her all the photos I took of her and her family that night. However, after that, she no longer speaks to me. This is my own family member--I am so upset. I don't know what I did wrong. She refuses to return any of my emails, calls, etc. My husband has no idea either. I mean, it was only a 3-hour dinner, consisting mainly of small talk. We've gone from her emailing me once a week to her not returning any of my emails/messages. She clearly wants nothing more to do with me. My parents are also confused as to what could be going on here.
Then, three weeks ago, I Facebook friended a new cousin who just got on Facebook. I was excited by the idea of staying in touch with her. She denied my friend request. My own cousin refused my friend request. I'm upset about this.
There have been other similar incidents too where I lose friends or am completely unable to make friends. I am normally an outgoing person who loves to be around people, but each of these incidents are chipping away at my desire to reach out to others, because of all this rejection.
I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what the problem could be. I am not the kind of person who has an extreme personality. I also feel that I have really high emotional intelligence so I don't say offensive things to people and am really sensitive to social cues. I don't think I'm doing anything overt to turn people off. I've asked my husband, who has been there with me at these things, and he says there is nothing I'm doing that could be construed as offensive.
But clearly the problem is me. I am turning people off with something I am doing. How can I figure out what this is? My husband has no idea. I have no idea. It is very distressing and I think about this all the time.
Any thoughts on this?
Has your husband done something to offend any of these people? Did he possibly act inappropriately when your back was turned or something? Sounds to me like he is the missing link here.
There may be a spiritual reason -- now, don't flame me -- but, consider it as well. God is a jealous God and maybe you're making your pursuit of friends the end all be all in your life -- making it your idol. Just sayin'. I can't think of any other reason. "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and He will give you the desires of your heart."
I know, it makes no sense on why I keep losing friends/can't make friends. I lie awake in bed at night re-playing the events in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong so that these people want nothing more to do with me. And my aunt is the most upsetting, honestly. How can your own family member decide they want nothing more to do with you after one three-hour dinner that seemed to go incredibly well?
You may be trying too hard, and appearing desperate. Relax, enjoy yourself, and keep doing the activities you like.
There may be a spiritual reason -- now, don't flame me -- but, consider it as well. God is a jealous God and maybe you're making your pursuit of friends the end all be all in your life -- making it your idol. Just sayin'. I can't think of any other reason. "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Oh please Go back to Bible study if you think that God is really and truly jealous - he made us to be social creatures and to need one another - he is not jealous when we have friends. You have misinterpreted the Bible.
I know, it makes no sense on why I keep losing friends/can't make friends. I lie awake in bed at night re-playing the events in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong so that these people want nothing more to do with me. And my aunt is the most upsetting, honestly. How can your own family member decide they want nothing more to do with you after one three-hour dinner that seemed to go incredibly well?
I have an aunt like that, actually. She took a dislike to me from the age of five onward. To this day, she can't spend Thanksgiving dinner with our family without ripping me over some incredibly innocuous remark. Heck, my wife, my mother, my brothers, and my sister can't figure it out either. However, we remain on speaking terms. I am cordial and she is tepid at best.
However, given that I get along with almost everybody and have lots of friends, I can chalk up my aunt's dislike to an aberration. You seem to have a more fundamental problem. I would ask that one acquaintance for her honest-to-God, no-holds-barred opinion. Ask her to not spare your feelings, but rather help you by giving the information you need.
There may be a spiritual reason -- now, don't flame me -- but, consider it as well. God is a jealous God and maybe you're making your pursuit of friends the end all be all in your life -- making it your idol. Just sayin'. I can't think of any other reason. "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and He will give you the desires of your heart."
I am a Christian, and nonsensical posts like this give us a bad name. You deserve flaming.
Has your husband done something to offend any of these people? Did he possibly act inappropriately when your back was turned or something? Sounds to me like he is the missing link here.
I had a friend who had a spouse with a mental disorder, and that is exactly what happened. Finally, the friend left to have a chance at having a normal life.
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Go back to Bible study if you think that God is really and truly jealous - he made us to be social creatures and to need one another - he is not jealous when we have friends. You have misinterpreted the Bible.
Finally, the friend left to have a chance at having a normal life.
