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She is not a nice person. She is extremely passive-aggressive and has inserted herself in things she had no business doing. She speaks on my dad's behalf and has sent numerous emails to my mom that were hateful and critical of her as our mother, constantly telling her what she has done wrong.
No. Don't use that term. It doesn't mean what you think it means.
Passive-aggressiveness is just the opposite of "inserting oneself in things." It's a behavior of avoiding or resisting the requests of others or avoiding confrontation. Say your mom asked you to take out the garbage and you don't even knowledge her. She asks you again later and you say, "Whatevs." Then she asks the next day and you shrug.
That's passive-aggressive behavior. A lot of people seem to get it wrong these days.
Now for your stepmother.
She speaks on your dad's behalf because he wants her to handle communication with you and your sister. The same for the hateful emails she sends your mother. Saves him the trouble. And she enjoys doing it.
I would cut off both your father and stepmother instantly and never look back. They are toxic. Your best bet is to go completely no-contact. Do you want these people in touch with the family you'll have some day? Do you want Evil Stepmom harassing your kids?
You've done the right thing if you don't want your father in your life anymore. Not making any attempt to be with him after his mother died is a pretty big blow.
With the information presented I don't see your stepmother's email as being out of bounds. I don't pretend to know your family dynamics, but in my family it would be unimaginable for a grandchild to miss a grandparent's funeral.
In my opinion it comes down to what sort of relationship you think you can have, and what sort of relationship you want with your father. If you do want to keep him in your life I personally think you owe him an apology. Even if your grandma didn't mean that much to you, she probably meant a lot to him. If you care about him this should be reason enough to mourn.
What in the world would the OP owe her donor an apology for?
Being born?
Making numerous attempts to be part of his life?
Expecting him to be a real Dad?
The OP owes no one anything, especially an apology to a non interested donor.
You've done the right thing if you don't want your father in your life anymore. Not making any attempt to be with him after his mother died is a pretty big blow.
With the information presented I don't see your stepmother's email as being out of bounds.
I don't pretend to know your family dynamics, but in my family it would be unimaginable for a grandchild to miss a grandparent's funeral.
In my opinion it comes down to what sort of relationship you think you can have, and what sort of relationship you want with your father. If you do want to keep him in your life I personally think you owe him an apology. Even if your grandma didn't mean that much to you, she probably meant a lot to him. If you care about him this should be reason enough to mourn.
While that is true for most families that grandchildren always attend their grandparent's funeral, when grandchildren live far away, it is not always possible for them to them to attend the funeral and that is even for a grandparent who they loved, respected and spent a lot of time with over the years (not the case for the OP). \\
My own children had only recently saw their grandfather, while he was alive, so there was no reason for them to fly 1,000 miles to see him when he was dead. We had also supplied plenty of "support" at that time. In fact, he passed away before my daughter and I even got home (1,000 miles away) from visiting him in the nursing home & hospital for a week. We did not return for the funeral.
IMHO, you don't owe Dad an apology. Frankly, I can't even imagine anything that the OP needs to apologize for. Dad should be apologizing to the OP BIG TIME!
OP, if you think that it may make your dad or step-mom feel better, perhaps just put one ort two sentences on your Facebook acknowledging that your dad's mother passed away. But, I don't understand why either of them are even friends with you or sister on social media.
No. Don't use that term. It doesn't mean what you think it means.
Passive-aggressiveness is just the opposite of "inserting oneself in things." It's a behavior of avoiding or resisting the requests of others or avoiding confrontation. Say your mom asked you to take out the garbage and you don't even knowledge her. She asks you again later and you say, "Whatevs." Then she asks the next day and you shrug.
That's passive-aggressive behavior. A lot of people seem to get it wrong these days.
Now for your stepmother.
She speaks on your dad's behalf because he wants her to handle communication with you and your sister. The same for the hateful emails she sends your mother. Saves him the trouble. And she enjoys doing it.
I would cut off both your father and stepmother instantly and never look back. They are toxic. Your best bet is to go completely no-contact. Do you want these people in touch with the family you'll have some day? Do you want Evil Stepmom harassing your kids?
That is something I've always struggled with. I'm a nice and overly-forgiving person, but when is enough enough? As I've stated, I've made numerous attempts to try to make things better. If my grandfather was still alive, I would ABSOLUTELY have him walk me down the isle when I get married, but since he's not, I've thought a lot about who would. I've told my mom that I would feel like I HAD to have him walk me down the isle, when I don't even want him or my stepmom at my wedding. And then to have them interact with my children one day? So they could treat them the same way they treated me? No thanks! I couldn't trust them to not do that.
While that is true for most families that grandchildren always attend their grandparent's funeral, when grandchildren live far away, it is not always possible for them to them to attend the funeral and that is even for a grandparent who they loved, respected and spent a lot of time with over the years (not the case for the OP). \\
My own children had only recently saw their grandfather, while he was alive, so there was no reason for them to fly 1,000 miles to see him when he was dead. In fact, he passed away before my daughter and I even got home from visiting him in the hospital. We did not return for the funeral.
IMHO, you don't owe Dad an apology. Frankly, I can't even imagine anything that the OP needs to apologize for. Dad should be apologizing to the OP BIG TIME!
OP, if you think that it may make your dad or step-mom feel better, perhaps just put one ort two sentences on your Facebook acknowledging that your dad's mother passed away. But, I don't understand why either of them are even friends with you or sister on social media.
I couldn't agree with this more. I can't help I'm in Boston for final interviews. I can't just leave to make a funeral of someone I didn't have any type of relationship with.
In regards to social media - I accepted them as friends on FB to keep the peace. But I'm also not someone who posts must about personal issues going on in my life. Most of my posts are sports related, or something humorous. When my grandfather passed away, I did post on social media because he was such a huge part of my life. Most of my friends knew him. He played a huge role in their lives as well. But to tell me to post about someone I don't even know? What am I supposed to say? No one even knows who she is. And I don't like being told what I need to post on my personal social media accounts.
That is something I've always struggled with. I'm a nice and overly-forgiving person, but when is enough enough? As I've stated, I've made numerous attempts to try to make things better. If my grandfather was still alive, I would ABSOLUTELY have him walk me down the isle when I get married, but since he's not, I've thought a lot about who would.
I've told my mom that I would feel like I HAD to have him walk me down the isle, when I don't even want him or my stepmom at my wedding. And then to have them interact with my children one day? So they could treat them the same way they treated me? No thanks! I couldn't trust them to not do that.
Obviously, your mother should walk you down the aisle. She was the one who raised you. There is absolutely no reason to find a random male or use your sperm donor to "give you away".
When my son got married, my husband and I walked him down the aisle and both of the bride's parents walked her down the aisle.
I personally have attended weddings where the mother walked the bride down the aisle. It really is not that unusual.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetjess1951
That is something I've always struggled with. I'm a nice and overly-forgiving person, but when is enough enough? As I've stated, I've made numerous attempts to try to make things better. If my grandfather was still alive, I would ABSOLUTELY have him walk me down the isle when I get married, but since he's not, I've thought a lot about who would. I've told my mom that I would feel like I HAD to have him walk me down the isle, when I don't even want him or my stepmom at my wedding. And then to have them interact with my children one day? So they could treat them the same way they treated me? No thanks! I couldn't trust them to not do that.
The bold is answered by the underlined.
That is when I cut off contact with my bio mom. When she started to pull the same crap with my kids. I thought it would be different and yes I was one of those that would keep trying. You can pull crap on me but don't you dare pull crap with my kids.
We want to believe that our parent will magically change. That they will someday become the parent we always dreamed about. Sadly, in Most cases, that never happens. It's that tiny percentage that keeps us going back and getting hurt... over and over and over again.
I wouldn't respond to the Step, in fact I would consider hiding her posts or even putting her on a list that can't see your posts.
First, congrats for having a great mother - and grandfather on her side. I like germaine's idea of having your mom walk you down the aisle - she earned that privilege, not the donor.
As to your sperm donor and his minions, I would allow them to fade away. Disconnect and don't allow them further contact. There is never going to be be anything good for you there.
I don't understand why you didn't cut your dad, and everyone involved with him, out of your life completely a long time ago.
I didn't because I felt guilty - not sure why. I felt like if I kept trying, maybe he would come around. There were times I was SO close to cutting all ties, but my mom would tell me to try to have a good time and that she wanted me to have a good relationship with him. So I kept trying for her. But she has even come to terms that she has kept telling me to try and I always return home from my visits upset.
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