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OP - Don't let feeling guilty about what you wish was keep you from dealing with what is. I've spent decades doing that and what I've come to realize is that most people are either unwilling or incapable of changing. Don't continue to allow him to hurt you in hopes he'll suddenly become a loving dad.
Sometimes cutting people out of our lives is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves.
That is something I've always struggled with. I'm a nice and overly-forgiving person, but when is enough enough? As I've stated, I've made numerous attempts to try to make things better. If my grandfather was still alive, I would ABSOLUTELY have him walk me down the isle when I get married, but since he's not, I've thought a lot about who would. I've told my mom that I would feel like I HAD to have him walk me down the isle, when I don't even want him or my stepmom at my wedding. And then to have them interact with my children one day? So they could treat them the same way they treated me? No thanks! I couldn't trust them to not do that.
Oh my god. That should be the last of your concerns... If there's no good figure to walk you, it's totally wrong to invite people you DON'T want to be there at all. People got married without walking down the isle (and people live happily ever after even without marriage ceremony, btw). Your father won't shell out a dime on your marriage, so don't spend a dime on his food there.
sweetjess, anyone can walk you down the isle, your mother, a cousin, a sister, a close friend, anyone who your close to and has been there for you...it doesn't have to be a male fatherly image, that's all it is, is an imagine.
I believe who ever you ask to do that when the time comes would be more then honored to do so....
and you are right about not wanting them to interact with your kids...I'd feel the very same way.
The only thing I'd do is ask how much she spent on the flowers so I could send it to her because I, as a grown adult, would feel very odd having someone else pay for flowers on my behalf.
Then I would stop interacting with them.
Also, tons of women walk themselves down the aisle. Or have someone who is close to you do it.
If it were me, I'd have cut them loose, un-friended them/blocked them from any electronic contact, and gone on with my life. However, I tend to be a "scorched earth" kinda person when it comes to people who have treated me THAT poorly. Took a long time to get this way, but I found out the hard way that trying to change things doesn't work. I've learned that you can't change them, you WON'T change them, and nothing you will do will change that fact. I would think it's time to move on with your life - surrounded by people who DO care and who won't hurt you the way these people have.
I was going to say that you seem like a very nice, together person but you beat me to it when you said that you were nice and overly forgiving. I can see that you're a giver and givers get taken advantage of by takers if they're not careful. You're still very young dear one and you haven't developed the skill of who is deserving of someone like you and who isn't. I'm afraid that these will be hard and hurtful lessons to learn until you develop a stronger defense system. Not all people deserve to be forgiven. Not all people deserve to be given to.
I worked in heath care for over 20 years and I used to feel sorry for the seniors with children and family that never had visitors. Then I had to wonder why. People reap what they sew, and as sad as it was to watch them die with a health care worker only by their side, I have to also understand that they were probably total rectums while they were alive. We only saw a tiny glimpse of who they were.
In the end you have to decide for yourself if you want to deal with your father, or continue to hope that he will change for the better. I think with a little more age and wisdom you will be able to look at it through wiser eyes. One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes was "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." More brilliant words were never spoken.
If it were me, I'd have cut them loose, un-friended them/blocked them from any electronic contact, and gone on with my life. However, I tend to be a "scorched earth" kinda person when it comes to people who have treated me THAT poorly. Took a long time to get this way, but I found out the hard way that trying to change things doesn't work. I've learned that you can't change them, you WON'T change them, and nothing you will do will change that fact. I would think it's time to move on with your life - surrounded by people who DO care and who won't hurt you the way these people have.
can't agree with you more Missy
it takes some of us, more time to do so than others...
I was going to say that you seem like a very nice, together person but you beat me to it when you said that you were nice and overly forgiving. I can see that you're a giver and givers get taken advantage of by takers if they're not careful. You're still very young dear one and you haven't developed the skill of who is deserving of someone like you and who isn't. I'm afraid that these will be hard and hurtful lessons to learn until you develop a stronger defense system. Not all people deserve to be forgiven. Not all people deserve to be given to.
I worked in heath care for over 20 years and I used to feel sorry for the seniors with children and family that never had visitors. Then I had to wonder why. People reap what they sew, and as sad as it was to watch them die with a health care worker only by their side, I have to also understand that they were probably total rectums while they were alive. We only saw a tiny glimpse of who they were.
In the end you have to decide for yourself if you want to deal with your father, or continue to hope that he will change for the better. I think with a little more age and wisdom you will be able to look at it through wiser eyes. One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes was "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." More brilliant words were never spoken.
brings to mind, we had a couple living in our community, and for the 6 years I was there, no one, but no one, ever came to visit them. Then the husband died, and My God, all four kids, which I didn't know they even had, come to check on her every single day, twice a day. Now, she will never say a bad thing about him, she just sits and says she misses him, but the children have said that he mistreated her and their kids...so?
I also found that email from "Stepmother" underhanded with a patronizing attitude. Really, is it HER business to tell you how much the grandmother supposedly loved you?? I would be very put off by that.
I would ignore the request for any mention on FB, and I would go further and eliminate their access to your social media entirely in the near future. Be happy that you had a wonderful grandfather and have a terrific mother and sister - they are your family! Don't let negativity drag you down.
As far as the walk down the aisle, that could absolutely be with Mom. I have seen that several
times recently - times have changed. My daughter is planning to have no bridesmaids at all, but have her brother stand up for her and the groom's sister for him. Their friends will all be guests at a small, intimate wedding and they are thrilled (too many have experienced a Bridezilla experience). Who cares if it breaks with "tradition"?
The only hang up is the payment for the flowers - I think Stepmother totally overstepped the boundaries by not at least asking you about that. I would probably send a curt note asking for the payment amount, and if it is not forthcoming, let it go.
If anything else comes up about how loving the grandmother was, be honest - you didn't really know her, but you do remember her critical attitude more than the "love". It irks me when some people try to rewrite history, especially your own.
I'd post the truth of it all on FB and elt people know the truth of this horrible experience you had...
Revenge CAN be sweet!
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