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Ok, wow. I guess we are going to agree to disagree. Did you even read my original post? Your opinion is your opinion, but my dad and my "grandma" have not been active in my life and when they were, were critical and hurtful.
After 29 years of attempts on MY part (not his), with no acknowledgement of my feelings or attempts to make things better, do you think I want to have a relationship with my father? His has missed out on so many events and achievements and didn't care. My grandfather on my mom's side was my father. He came to all my softball games, proms, graduations, etc, not my dad. There was NEVER an attempt on his part. So when is any responsibility put on him?
I read your post and tried to come off as understanding. I never said he wasn't responsible for anything, nor did I say he was a good father. I was simply saying that if you want a relationship with him it is important that you acknowledge things that are important to him. It sounds like he is a selfish so it sounds like this would require you always being the bigger person.
My wife's father is a terrible person. A decade ago she more or less decided that she didn't need that toxic relationship in her life anymore. She completely cut him out. He wasn't informed when we got married, and he is probably unaware that he has grandchildren. This isn't a decision to be made lightly though.
What in the world would the OP owe her donor an apology for?
Being born?
Making numerous attempts to be part of his life?
Expecting him to be a real Dad?
The OP owes no one anything, especially an apology to a non interested donor.
I don't think she necessarily owes him an apology. I was implying that if she cares about him and wants him in her life she owes him an apology. If she doesn't and thinks that he is an unrepentant piece of garbage she does not.
I don't think she necessarily owes him an apology. I was implying that if she cares about him and wants him in her life she owes him an apology. If she doesn't and thinks that he is an unrepentant piece of garbage she does not.
I still do not understand exactly why she would owe him an apology.
In the words I read she has tried everything to keep the relationship going and hopefully improve and
he has done nothing.
So what logical and reasonable reason could there be for her to apologize?
I still do not understand exactly why she would owe him an apology.
In the words I read she has tried everything to keep the relationship going and hopefully improve and
he has done nothing.
So what logical and reasonable reason could there be for her to apologize?
The logical reason would be that if she cares about him she should show more concern for what is a great loss to him. It's called empathy.
If she doesn't care about her father then she owes him nothing.
I didn't because I felt guilty - not sure why. I felt like if I kept trying, maybe he would come around. There were times I was SO close to cutting all ties, but my mom would tell me to try to have a good time and that she wanted me to have a good relationship with him. So I kept trying for her. But she has even come to terms that she has kept telling me to try and I always return home from my visits upset.
OP - Don't let feeling guilty about what you wish was keep you from dealing with what is. I've spent decades doing that and what I've come to realize is that most people are either unwilling or incapable of changing. Don't continue to allow him to hurt you in hopes he'll suddenly become a loving dad.
Sometimes cutting people out of our lives is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves.
The logical reason would be that if she cares about him she should show more concern for what is a great loss to him. It's called empathy.
If she doesn't care about her father then she owes him nothing.
I know what empathy is but you appear to be assigning all of the groveling, play nice part of this
*relationship* on the OP when the OP has already shown concern for him and his feelings numerous times over the years and he has done nothing to make the situation better.
The actual victim of lack of empathy is the OP not her donor.
I am not sure how you are not understanding the dyamics of this situation as presented clearly by the OP.
She has nothing to apologize for, feel guilty of and no need to acknowledge his feelings as being much more important than hers.
Anyway, I am off this round and round ride, carry on, take care, bless your heart.
When my grandfather died, who was more than a father to me than him, I got a "Sorry for your loss text" and my stepmom sent flowers. That's all I got.
That is pretty low and gives you plenty of reason to want to cut ties.
There is also the chance that losing his mother could have a major impact on him and that he could reexamine his life. Sort of like a drunk getting sober. If you still want to build a relationship with him now might be your best chance. I know that when my mom died it really changed my perspective on a lot of things in life.
I'll shut up now because I don't want to dominate your thread. Your relationship with your father is clearly complicated and you have a lot to work though. I was just offering my viewpoint.
I didn't because I felt guilty - not sure why. I felt like if I kept trying, maybe he would come around. There were times I was SO close to cutting all ties, but my mom would tell me to try to have a good time and that she wanted me to have a good relationship with him. So I kept trying for her. But she has even come to terms that she has kept telling me to try and I always return home from my visits upset.
Another thing to consider is that things may change (somewhat) in the future. Perhaps if he divorces his current wife or she dies Dad may change. Or things may be different 10 or 20 or 30 years down the road.
Perhaps, severely limiting communication to a phone call at Christmas and on his (or your) birthday will help you. If you accept that is the complete amount of your contact & you do not expect or give more perhaps it would work out.
There have been a couple of threads on CD where dead-beat Dads or Moms tried to reestablish contact with their biological kids when they were elderly and/or very sick. In at least one case, the dead-beat Dad truly expected the person who they had abandoned as a child and completely ignored for decades to drop everything, leave their spouse, job & children, move to a different city and become their fulltime, free caregiver. BTW, the adult child would not do that.
However, at least one poster did agree to become the fulltime caregiver of her abusive, estranged parent (I have been following her story for over a year on the Caregivers forum and it is NOT pretty.)
Brief (hopefully) background - my parents divorced when I was about 5 years old and it was super messy. My dad constantly bashed my mom to my younger sister and me, blaming her for everything that happened.
My mom was a flight attendant and was out of town 3ish days out of the week. The court order was that my sister and I would spend every other weekend with my dad, but my mom offered for him to keep us while she was out of town for work. He refused since that would save her money on babysitters. I'm sure you can imagine what it was like to have a kindergartner and 2nd grader staying with college-age babysitters for multiple days/nights, so my mom moved us from Georgia to North Carolina so my grandparents (mom's side) could watch us while she was out of town.
Without going into a lot of detail, my relationship with my father did not improve. He refused to help pay for anything. We saw him maybe once or twice throughout the year, which always consisted of us going to see him, not him visiting us. He never called or wanted to know or be a part of any of the things going on in our life.
I got more involved in the issues between him and my mom when my dad remarried when I was in high school. My stepmom thought it was her business to stick her nose in what had happened between all of us. My mom did her best to financially take care of my sister and I, but had to file bankruptcy because the debt kept growing. We both played softball on a competitive level and the pitching lessons, equipment, tournament fees, hotels, gas and so on, were adding up. The few times my mom asked my dad and step mom to help out, they scolded her for not planning ahead. The lack of financial support wasn't what really affected me. The lack of a fatherly figure and support was worse. In fact, when I played in the state championships for softball, he didn't find it important to come.
As I entered college, I became more vocal about my feelings. He didn't help pay for college. He never reached out to me. He didn't do anything. I tried on multiple occasions to let him know how I felt and how hurt I was. He didn't even acknowledge it. A few times I chose to forgo my Christmas visit to see if that would make a difference. It didn't. I was to the point where I wanted to just cut ties. Even though my mom witnessed every ounce of hurt and pain I experienced my whole life, she still tried to remain positive and told me to keep trying to go with a positive attitude.
It never failed that I always left his house feeling worse about myself. I'm a college graduate. I worked 3 jobs while I was in college to pay for my expenses. I am currently employed, making pretty good money. I bought my own car and condo (well, with help from my mom on the condo), yet it never seems good enough. When I told my dad I got in to grad school, he responded "Why do you need to go to grad school?!". This past Christmas when I went to visit, my step mom's family stepped on their judgement game. After I said I bought a condo, one of them replied "Do you even have a job?!".
Now to my current situation -
My dad texted my sister and me this post Monday to tell us "Nanny" had died. She is his mom and our "grandma", but was not really present in our lives. When we saw her more when we were younger, she wasn't very nice, telling us things like how we needed to lose weight. I responded to the text that I was very sorry to hear that and to please keep us updated. I honestly didn't know what else to say. I'm unfortunately not sad, just because I didn't really know her.
My step mom then sent an email to my sister and me about funeral arrangements, and to let us know she sent flowers on our behalf. I thanked her and told her that I would be unable to make the funeral since I am in Boston for final interviews for a job. My sister is unable to make it as well. She just started a nursing job and does not have any accrued PTO to take off.
This morning I woke up to an email from my stepmom that was sent at 12:30am last night. It reads "Your dad doesn't know that I sent the flowers for you. I don't want his feelings hurt so please don't share that. It would be nice if each of you mention something on FB about Nanny's death. The funeral is at 10:00 tomorrow morning - maybe say a little prayer for her at that time. I shared lots of pictures of you both with Nanny on the DVD that was played tonight at visitation. I'll share the pictures with you later, but they were very cute. You know that she loved you both very much even though she wasn't able to see you often".
I'm a little heated about this email. Everyone grieves in their own way, and I'm sorry that she passed, but what am I supposed to do? Fake cry? She wasn't a part of my life. I don't understand why she is trying to make us feel guilty regarding the flowers. Its like she only offered to send them on our behalf to turn around and throw them in our face. When my grandpa on my mom's side, who was more of a father to me than my dad, passed away, I didn't send any flowers. Its like its a competition. Since my sister and I both shared on FB about my grandfather passing, we must do the same for someone we didn't even know. And why does she think she can tell me what to post on my personal FB page? I'm 29 years old. I'm an adult. She has no right to speak to me like a child or tell me what to do. And no, I don't know that she loved me. Everything she ever said to us was critical or hurtful. She never reached out or cared to know what was going on in our lives.
I want to respond to her email and tell her how I feel - in a nice way of course. I'm almost to the point where I want to completely block them out of my life. I'm tired of subjecting myself to this just to play nice.
I'm not sure if its worth it to send an email or what to even say. Just looking for advice.
My advice is this....first and foremost, you are important and significant, no matter what, believe that and believe that you deserve better, which I'm sure your aware of but need reassurance.
It's so difficult when a parent acts like this, believe me, rejection is one of the most difficult human hurts especially when it's a parent rejecting you.
Know this, I believe your wise, and you'll figure it out....it took me most of my life, to put my mother out of it...b/c we are raised with the concept of, respect your parents, and we do....otherwise you wouldn't have reached out.
I believe you know what to do already, but you need verification from others that it is the right thing to do...
Don't ever continue to keep toxic people in your life, and there are a lot of them....believe me.
Your life had value and worth and to waste it wishing that something good is going to happen, only hurts you more.
My suggestion is, you've got to start believing that this man will never ever change. He wants you when he wants you and that is as far as it goes.
I'm sorry they have treated you like this, I'm sorry for any child who is hurt by their parents, but I'm also thankful to know, that even from this something very positive will come and that will be, when it's time you have your own children, you'll most likely be the best mom a kid could ever have.
Hugs
Creme
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BTW, the adult child would not do that. 
